well hello

well hello

Friday, July 15, 2011

Crazy + Black Swan pics

Finally Friday. This week has been long and exhausting. Work is getting the best of me. My various disorders and mental health issues are thriving. Today I ate a (small) brownie for breakfast. I am sipping coffee now, doing laundry. I have to shower in the next 20 minutes. And then leave. I don't wanna.

Wow, can I be any more ridiculous? I went so long without work, why am I complaining? Why do I hate this so much? It's an awkward job, it really is. I work with a bunch of dudes and they all talk and throw balls around and get away with murder, basically. I work my butt off while thinking depressed thoughts and growing slightly more miserable by the minute.

Lunchtime in the cafeteria is weird. A lot of people "order out" from pizza places and the like, daily. As in every day, 5 days a week, 20 days a month. Ew. Not me. I have brought my lunch every day except for one day where I was feeling fat so I didn't eat anything, just drank some diet pepsi. I definitely got a lot of stares. 

I bring fruit (always) and a sandwich (usually). Or a string cheese and granola bar. I try and hit up a few food groups, for energy. Water to drink. I TRY to eat slowly and normally. I TRY not to stare at other people's pizza and pasta and subs. I TRY not to hate myself for wanting to ask for a bite.

OK, 8 hours, Sar. 8 hours until the weekend. You can do it, you can! You got this! You can go back there, just get though today.

Pep talk, over.

I want another job. So much. So I need to start looking. There is an Olive Garden opening up here, anyone ever serve there?? How is it?

My Dad and I haven't talked in about a week, maybe more. This happens a lot: we get in a fight and ignore each other's presence for a reallllly long time after. Weeks, months....until my mom intervenes or one of us forgets about it. It's fucking stupid and it's no fucking wonder I seek approval and attention from men all the time. Daddy issues up the wazoo.

How do I change my personality?? I hate been so socially awkward and shy at work. I HATE IT! Please help, what can I do to change the way I am and the ways in which I interact with (semi) strangers??

Listen to Adele "Crazy For You". Can her voice be any more beautiful? Don't think so. I love her!

Ok hotties, I must end this. I would give anything to not have to work today but there really is no option there. I need to keep in mind that I got paid today, direct deposit style. Money is a decent motivator, but I am seriously not getting paid enough to sit through the torture that is my job.

Think thin today and everyday. I'm supposedly going to the beach tomorrow, *looks down at stomach*, gasp! Hopefully I don't look like a hippo. Well at least I'm thinner than some of my friends. What a pathetic existence I live.

I am holding steady at 142. I need to get out of the 140s, what the fuck is WRONG with ME??? Just end this freaking post Sar no one cares about your pity party. This is how I talk to myself, so nastily. I hate me. I'm trying not to but I really really do.


p.s. I watched "Black Swan" again last night...I love Natalie Portman in that film, she is so thin, so goddamn thin. I want to be that thin. I want to look like that. I will. I FUCKING WILL!!!


Love her thin arms, shoulders, and chest

Those ribs stick out wonderfully

Thin, perfect

Fragile neck looks amazing

Gorgeous bony beauty

Tiniest waist ever

Collarbones and fearful eyes


Think thin. Be thin. Stay thin.


Anonymous said...

Doesn't it suck that we have to work? I swear. There are some people who have a vacation for life. I freaking wish. I'm not big on lunch either. I eat "snacks." You keep it up you will so reach your goals.

Lina (of Flushed) said...

Work, work, work, coming across a person who genuinely enjoys working and going to work is rare. We all do it for the dividends! It IS a motivator! Clothes, SHOES, jewelry... and fun stuff :)

Also, it's great that you bring your lunch and don't succumb to conforming and eating out. You are definitely doing your body a favor :)

Lunch/Snack Ideas: Bringing fresh veggies is always good too. Grape tomatoes with string cheese is a fun snack. Broccoli and Cauliflower marinated (I throw it in a ziplock the night before and it's tastey by the next day!) or with dip. Greek yogurt with frozen fruit and a sprinkle of nuts. Simple, easy and healthy.

I know you hate eating, it does suck that we need to but doing it healthy is doing it right. Your body is worth the investment.

Anyhow! Adele's voice = BEAUTIFUL! Agreed. I'm shy myself, but I find that I need to get out of my head and fake it til I make it. I try to smile more or just say a simple "how are you?" "how was your weekend?" simple and vague but you would believe how people respond by something so simple coupled with a smile and a lil eye contact.

Watch movies or shows with friendly people that you want to be more like and mimic them. Practice makes perfect, gotta break out of that brain bubble shell!

Like I said, I'm shy too, stuck in my thoughts, but at some point I've gotta step back and have a rational thought, remind myself that these people are not concerned about my weight or whatever Hamster Wheel thought I'm stuck in because they probably have their own Hamster Wheel. NBD.

WOw, preacha preacha! Sorry for the post of a [preachy] comment. If a lil resonates with you then it's worth it :)

E-mail/gtalk me anytime. flushedagain@gmail.com
(if you want to text, email for my #-sometimes texting helps the day go by faster!)

Kat not Jas said...

Black Swan is such an awesome movie! AND it pretty much makes me never want to eat again. ;)