Wow, can I be any more ridiculous? I went so long without work, why am I complaining? Why do I hate this so much? It's an awkward job, it really is. I work with a bunch of dudes and they all talk and throw balls around and get away with murder, basically. I work my butt off while thinking depressed thoughts and growing slightly more miserable by the minute.
Lunchtime in the cafeteria is weird. A lot of people "order out" from pizza places and the like, daily. As in every day, 5 days a week, 20 days a month. Ew. Not me. I have brought my lunch every day except for one day where I was feeling fat so I didn't eat anything, just drank some diet pepsi. I definitely got a lot of stares.
I bring fruit (always) and a sandwich (usually). Or a string cheese and granola bar. I try and hit up a few food groups, for energy. Water to drink. I TRY to eat slowly and normally. I TRY not to stare at other people's pizza and pasta and subs. I TRY not to hate myself for wanting to ask for a bite.
OK, 8 hours, Sar. 8 hours until the weekend. You can do it, you can! You got this! You can go back there, just get though today.
Pep talk, over.
I want another job. So much. So I need to start looking. There is an Olive Garden opening up here, anyone ever serve there?? How is it?
My Dad and I haven't talked in about a week, maybe more. This happens a lot: we get in a fight and ignore each other's presence for a reallllly long time after. Weeks, months....until my mom intervenes or one of us forgets about it. It's fucking stupid and it's no fucking wonder I seek approval and attention from men all the time. Daddy issues up the wazoo.
How do I change my personality?? I hate been so socially awkward and shy at work. I HATE IT! Please help, what can I do to change the way I am and the ways in which I interact with (semi) strangers??
Listen to Adele "Crazy For You". Can her voice be any more beautiful? Don't think so. I love her!
Ok hotties, I must end this. I would give anything to not have to work today but there really is no option there. I need to keep in mind that I got paid today, direct deposit style. Money is a decent motivator, but I am seriously not getting paid enough to sit through the torture that is my job.
Think thin today and everyday. I'm supposedly going to the beach tomorrow, *looks down at stomach*, gasp! Hopefully I don't look like a hippo. Well at least I'm thinner than some of my friends. What a pathetic existence I live.
I am holding steady at 142. I need to get out of the 140s, what the fuck is WRONG with ME??? Just end this freaking post Sar no one cares about your pity party. This is how I talk to myself, so nastily. I hate me. I'm trying not to but I really really do.
p.s. I watched "Black Swan" again last night...I love Natalie Portman in that film, she is so thin, so goddamn thin. I want to be that thin. I want to look like that. I will. I FUCKING WILL!!!
|Love her thin arms, shoulders, and chest|
|Those ribs stick out wonderfully|
|Fragile neck looks amazing|
|Gorgeous bony beauty|
|Tiniest waist ever|
|Collarbones and fearful eyes|
Think thin. Be thin. Stay thin.