Friday, January 6, 2012
I'm in a funk, trying to snap out. It's 2012 but I forgot it's a new year, forgot to change something about myself. I woke up in a bad mood, exhausted, cold, with a headache. My thoughts are negative.
I'm trying to turn my mind around. Figured I'd try blogging. I'm totally uninspired.
Lately I've been sliding into Self Pity Mode. It's a rotten place to be and yet it's my go to.
Also, I've been so fucking hungry this week, it's literally affecting my mood. Every day I've ate only veggies and hummus for lunch and I've come home from work positively starving, bitchy, and ready to eat anything. It's not good. The madness starts about two hours before work is done for the night. My coworkers are avoiding me and my bitchy self. At least I think so, the paranoia is encompassing. I think everyone is looking at me funny.
Where was I going with all this? Nowhere, really.
There's got to be some good. Ok, J. We like each other. Our time together is fun. He just doesn't text/call me enough! He has said before that he "doesn't want to bother me". I'm not sure what I said, but it doesn't bother me! I miss him! Or am I just getting attached? We text at least once a day and talk on the phone maybe twice a week. But I want more. Do I? Am I so confused that I don't even know if I want more or I'm just programmed to want more or maybe society is telling me to want more? Maybe I want less? No. That can't be it.
I've just always been a sucker for instant gratification.
I cannot not not not turn to J. as an answer to my sadness. I will not use him as a shrink. I know deep down that our pace is fine, albeit a little slow. But slow is better than fast, at least for me, at least right now.
I went to get the mail and my train of thought has slowed.
Think Thin Today. Tomorrow. Always.