well hello

well hello

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Roller coaster ride

Well that was one long, drawn out, messy, painful, stupid breakup with J.

Over a month of fights, tears, texts, two random hook ups, awkward encounters around our friends (because YAY we have all the same friends!! note to self: never date another friend), more tears, misplaced hope that we would reconcile (we didn't but came close), and perhaps most importantly....weight lost.

Today I weighed in at 132. A couple months ago I was in the low 140's....success??

My relationship failed but I'm really thin. ALL of my clothes are baggy...it is interesting. I keep buying size 6 jeans like it's still my size...it's not, they are too big!! Guess I'm a 4 now. My shirt size is small. Even my fat thighs are shrinking a bit, which is wonderful. I'll take some pics one of these days, before and after style.

As for me? Well...I'll be alright. I cried this morning when I woke up, because it does hurt. It fucking HURTS. But J. does not like me anymore. I ruined it by fighting with him and acting crazy jealous insecure you name it. Also I think there could be someone else...

Learn from me. Don't make my mistakes. You all know how much I liked him, how happy I was for a "normal and healthy" relationship....that didn't last. Nothing lasts forever and I'm telling myself that this HAD to happen, in order for me to achieve a higher level of understanding about men, myself, life, etc.

Right?? Isn't that all you can really do? Hope it all happened for a reason? I'm grasping at strings, as per usual.

***

Sorry I haven't blogged more about it, faithful readers. I've been avoiding the clarity that comes with writing because I've had tunnel vision. I am now in serious need of perspective, so I'm back to bare it all.

Work is going well. My family is doing alright, my Dad is feeling a little better (all tests thus far have been inconclusive) so THANK YOU for your prayers and well wishes!!!! I actually bought a new (2010) car a few weeks ago! It's red :) That's what hard work gets me. A feeling of accomplishment.

A new car is something I've wanted (and needed) for awhile, but I had to wait for the right time to purchase. Since I'm still living at home and trying to save money, it seemed ideal for me to just jump the gun. So far so good.

I'm still smoking up every single day. I'm in therapy still. My therapist told me that I need to stop smoking and learn to "self soothe"...seems great but in reality I'm still pretty fucking addicted.

Like right now, I'm smoking and drinking coffee. Just had 2 pieces of buttered rye toast.

See, that's the weird thing! (Sorry, tangent time) I do eat! Fatty shit! But my taste for food is just....gone. It's hard to swallow. My stomach is constantly turning and tumbling. It could be the stress from this month and half long break up drama with J. But isn't that giving him too much credit?

I'm the one with the discipline here. When did this blog make the switch from normal to ana? 2009? This has absolutely been a work in progress!!! I've found success, despite the avenue that inspired me the most.

Maybe J. just doesn't like skinny girls. The other night he fucked me from behind, his hands holding my bony hips.

***

Much to think about, as always. How are YOU?

XO
Sar

4 comments:

Miranda said...

I thought Pot wasn't addictive...I guess it is. Janelle on Teen Mom is crazy addicted (don't know if you watch that show). Sorry about the break up. Hopefully you did learn something from it and when the next guy comes along it will be better. Maybe he just wasn't the "one."

Holdin27 said...

I had a lot of the same things going on the last time I had a big break up, lost weight because I just didn't feel like eating and I would smoke at night as a way to "fast forward" my life. But I eventually came to the same conclusion that your therapist recommended as well, it was better to face it and be present with a clear head. But to each his own, if it helps, it helps and at least it is a natural medication...

Stick Thin said...

Break ups suck. Heart break is real. I am glad to see you are doing things for yourself though! Like buying a new car. What kind is it? I am sorry. Maybe you need to find some new friends. Ugh.

Xoxo

Willa said...

I was addicted to pot psychologically, and it certainly can have hallucinogenic effects, depending on caliber. It really depends on how much you smoke, what type of herb you smoke, how you're actually consuming it, what purpose you're consuming it for, and so on...

On to more personal matters, I really miss you. You're always an inspiration to me. Stay positive, even when shit gets twisted. It's well worth it, in the end. :)

Love.