I was alone in the office yesterday so I weighed myself on the digital scale. I am officially down ten pounds since April (last time I was weighed for a physical). Unbelievably happy about that. I knew I had lost but I didn't know how much. *smiles*
My appetite has just been...gone. I know why too. Part of it is being so poor. I don't/can't spend a lot of money on food. When your shelves are stocked with canned goods and your fridge holds american cheese and bread and your freezer has frozen vegetables it's like what the fuck, I don't want any of this.
So I just...don't.
On the other hand is my roller coaster relationship. Yes, the fights have continued to the point of us almost ending it. Did I mention to you guys that I had been skipping therapy? Well, it affected me big time and I have spent the past couple weeks dumping so much shit on my man. Anger, jealousy, insecurity, etc.
Thankfully I realized I needed to see my therapist asap and went twice in the past week. I was able to analyze my *fucked up* behavior for two helpful hours. Can I apply what I learned? Time will tell.
Gotta believe in myself. This isn't my first rodeo. It feels like it though. I am all butterfingers and awkwardness. I am holding back and being inauthentic as a weak attempt to avoid vulnerability. The problem is, relationships require it. I am desperately afraid of putting my heart on the line. Afraid of what, you ask? Getting hurt. Lame, huh?
To break it down further, it seems that I avoid pain/discomfort. Hence, the heavy marijuana use and isolation from people who could potentially harm me.
The solution? Stay. In. Therapy. Do some thinking, walking, and drinking. Love myself. Trust D. with my heart. It'll either work out or it won't but if I don't get a handle on the fights I start then I will be alone for real.
PTSD is a motherfucker.
Think thin, loves.
xx
Sar
well hello
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Friday, September 26, 2014
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Positive conclusions despite the darkness
Well, that didn't last long. I deleted the link off my Twitter bio. I'm not ready for that yet, apparently. I'm feeling guarded. Which I'm sure is a direct result of Jake completely blowing me off last night. Yep. Here's what happened:
As you know we had made tentative plans to watch the fireworks together. I say tentative because no actual physical plans were made, he just said he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant that we would be seeing each other.
Yesterday I was trying my best to be cool and carefree. Not knowing what time or any other details was definitely driving me crazy. I like to plan things a little. I was going out of my way to stay relaxed, to trust that it would all work. I took a long ass walk, a couple miles, all the while talking to myself, telling myself it's fine.
While I was out walking he texted me that he "should be home around 8:30". That's it, no other information. My blood immediately boiled. Apparently he was out of town at his roommate's parent's house. After considering the best way to cover my ass I sent him a text asking if he was thinking of staying out there and if so let me know so I can make other plans. Because 8:30 ish is kind of late for the fourth.
He responded with a vague "I'm not missing the fireworks but logistically it might be better for you to make other plans and we could meet later". Logistically my ass.
At this point I had a feeling of doom in my stomach so I bought a pack of cigarettes at the gas station with my credit card (bad!). Thankfully I did have somewhere else to go, my new friend/coworker Denise had invited me over.
I texted Jake back "I see" for him to interpret however the fuck he wanted. Then I showered and had a glass of wine. I put on a beautifully patriotic outfit, looked myself in the eye in the mirror and felt pretty, said to myself, "he's a fool", hopped in the car and drove 25 minutes to her townhouse in the suburbs.
There were four of us: two guys and two girls. Always a good mix. Her boyfriend shot off a bunch of fireworks in the street and we enjoyed the show their neighbor put on! There were fireworks in every direction it was actually really nice. The other dude was def hot.
But in my heart and maybe in my head I was feeling vulnerable and defensive. I talked more to Denise and her boyfriend then the other guy. We were drinking and smoking weed and cigarettes a lot, me on a completely empty stomach. The drunker I got (we were drinking whiskey with full fat cola) (I cringe when I consider the calories), the more I wanted him to hit on me and for us to hook up. Nothing at all happened and I passed out on the couch, alone.
I woke up at 6AM cold and alone. I drove my fat ass to mcdonalds and bought a egg and cheese biscuit and a hashbrown. I ate in my car while exhausted and still drunk. It sobered me just barely enough to drive down the center of the highway with tunnel vision. I stumbled up the steps of my apartment, put on pjs and thought I would get sick. I didn't, and fell back asleep.
I feel shame about buying fast food. I should've known better than to drink whiskey on an empty stomach. I hate doing that. I just needed not to feel.
At some point in the middle of the night last night I texted Jake asking where he ended up. He responded that he fell asleep and missed the fireworks. I have no idea absolutely no clue if this is the truth. He has no reason to lie. But seriously, if you didn't plan to see me why the hell would you ask to? Or if your plans changed why couldn't you just tell me? I'm so confused by him. Why can't he be real with me!?
So of course this afternoon when I woke up wide awake and remembering the events of the past twenty four hours I had to text him. I sent him one of my famous mean texts. I held back, a little, because I'm trying to be more aware of what I say in anger. I tend to regret it later.
I said: Thank god I didn't stick around waiting for you. Don't say you want to see me and then blow me off..especially on a holiday? You're not even a friend, you're untrustworthy."
Harsh. Reading it again to copy it verbatim from my phone, I can feel the frustration. It has been an hour and a half and he has not responded.
It's fine. Probably for the best. We are both pushing each other away, that's how it feels. We have a great time together and then one or both freaks out and reclaims mad distance until the other is forced to form fucked up conclusions. And of course it all happens over text, the shittiest form of communication there ever was.
It's sad. On the bright side, I did have fun last night. I like having a new friend. It was cool to be out in the 'burbs because I'm a city girl now. There was a lot of air, a lot of wide open space. Trees, nicely paved roads. It was a good time and I'm glad I went. I made the best of a bad situation and sometimes that's all you can do.
As for Jake...well sucks to be him. He missed out. I have no clue if he'll respond to my message and he really doesn't even need to. Unless it's an apology. Or he could just...pick up the phone and call.
I'm trying so hard not to feel bitter.
This turned into a really long post. I wonder if you're still reading? Loneliness is a terrible thing. Good thing I like myself lately. Sometimes I'm ok. Therapy is helping.
Have a groovy weekend.
Sar
As you know we had made tentative plans to watch the fireworks together. I say tentative because no actual physical plans were made, he just said he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant that we would be seeing each other.
Yesterday I was trying my best to be cool and carefree. Not knowing what time or any other details was definitely driving me crazy. I like to plan things a little. I was going out of my way to stay relaxed, to trust that it would all work. I took a long ass walk, a couple miles, all the while talking to myself, telling myself it's fine.
While I was out walking he texted me that he "should be home around 8:30". That's it, no other information. My blood immediately boiled. Apparently he was out of town at his roommate's parent's house. After considering the best way to cover my ass I sent him a text asking if he was thinking of staying out there and if so let me know so I can make other plans. Because 8:30 ish is kind of late for the fourth.
He responded with a vague "I'm not missing the fireworks but logistically it might be better for you to make other plans and we could meet later". Logistically my ass.
At this point I had a feeling of doom in my stomach so I bought a pack of cigarettes at the gas station with my credit card (bad!). Thankfully I did have somewhere else to go, my new friend/coworker Denise had invited me over.
I texted Jake back "I see" for him to interpret however the fuck he wanted. Then I showered and had a glass of wine. I put on a beautifully patriotic outfit, looked myself in the eye in the mirror and felt pretty, said to myself, "he's a fool", hopped in the car and drove 25 minutes to her townhouse in the suburbs.
There were four of us: two guys and two girls. Always a good mix. Her boyfriend shot off a bunch of fireworks in the street and we enjoyed the show their neighbor put on! There were fireworks in every direction it was actually really nice. The other dude was def hot.
But in my heart and maybe in my head I was feeling vulnerable and defensive. I talked more to Denise and her boyfriend then the other guy. We were drinking and smoking weed and cigarettes a lot, me on a completely empty stomach. The drunker I got (we were drinking whiskey with full fat cola) (I cringe when I consider the calories), the more I wanted him to hit on me and for us to hook up. Nothing at all happened and I passed out on the couch, alone.
I woke up at 6AM cold and alone. I drove my fat ass to mcdonalds and bought a egg and cheese biscuit and a hashbrown. I ate in my car while exhausted and still drunk. It sobered me just barely enough to drive down the center of the highway with tunnel vision. I stumbled up the steps of my apartment, put on pjs and thought I would get sick. I didn't, and fell back asleep.
I feel shame about buying fast food. I should've known better than to drink whiskey on an empty stomach. I hate doing that. I just needed not to feel.
At some point in the middle of the night last night I texted Jake asking where he ended up. He responded that he fell asleep and missed the fireworks. I have no idea absolutely no clue if this is the truth. He has no reason to lie. But seriously, if you didn't plan to see me why the hell would you ask to? Or if your plans changed why couldn't you just tell me? I'm so confused by him. Why can't he be real with me!?
So of course this afternoon when I woke up wide awake and remembering the events of the past twenty four hours I had to text him. I sent him one of my famous mean texts. I held back, a little, because I'm trying to be more aware of what I say in anger. I tend to regret it later.
I said: Thank god I didn't stick around waiting for you. Don't say you want to see me and then blow me off..especially on a holiday? You're not even a friend, you're untrustworthy."
Harsh. Reading it again to copy it verbatim from my phone, I can feel the frustration. It has been an hour and a half and he has not responded.
It's fine. Probably for the best. We are both pushing each other away, that's how it feels. We have a great time together and then one or both freaks out and reclaims mad distance until the other is forced to form fucked up conclusions. And of course it all happens over text, the shittiest form of communication there ever was.
It's sad. On the bright side, I did have fun last night. I like having a new friend. It was cool to be out in the 'burbs because I'm a city girl now. There was a lot of air, a lot of wide open space. Trees, nicely paved roads. It was a good time and I'm glad I went. I made the best of a bad situation and sometimes that's all you can do.
As for Jake...well sucks to be him. He missed out. I have no clue if he'll respond to my message and he really doesn't even need to. Unless it's an apology. Or he could just...pick up the phone and call.
I'm trying so hard not to feel bitter.
This turned into a really long post. I wonder if you're still reading? Loneliness is a terrible thing. Good thing I like myself lately. Sometimes I'm ok. Therapy is helping.
Have a groovy weekend.
Sar
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Saucey
Everything changes all the time. Whenever I go to write in this blog I realize that so much has happened it's impossible to put it all down in a few paragraphs. So I don't bother.
I'll leap into last night. M. asked me to chill and I went over there. It was groovy. We were doing lots of laughing and then we made out. He actually has me kinda hooked still.
Then I drove home and texted Jake. We went for a long walk. And...kissed. Not quite a make out sesh. He was super shy and actually shaking.
I kissed two guys in one night and that was not the first time in my life. I think it's normal to hook up with a few people at the same time when you're single.
In comparing the two, I prefer M. tenfold. There is just so much more chemistry.
Jake and I are friends but that's it.
I had therapy today, tuesdays every week. It's been going good. My therapist, Shannon, is a smart lady. I appreciate her guidance.
I've had such an insane craving for bbq sauce. I actually bought some today. Also vegetarian "chicken" nuggets to dunk in the bbq sauce. I had one serving (300 calories) with lots of bbq sauce. I have no idea why this craving is here but it's not gone yet.
New neighbor downstairs with loud ass barking dogs. At least two. Haven't met her yet. Already planning to move because I'm so annoyed by them.
As soon as I get a job.
Have a great day.
xx S
I'll leap into last night. M. asked me to chill and I went over there. It was groovy. We were doing lots of laughing and then we made out. He actually has me kinda hooked still.
Then I drove home and texted Jake. We went for a long walk. And...kissed. Not quite a make out sesh. He was super shy and actually shaking.
I kissed two guys in one night and that was not the first time in my life. I think it's normal to hook up with a few people at the same time when you're single.
In comparing the two, I prefer M. tenfold. There is just so much more chemistry.
Jake and I are friends but that's it.
I had therapy today, tuesdays every week. It's been going good. My therapist, Shannon, is a smart lady. I appreciate her guidance.
I've had such an insane craving for bbq sauce. I actually bought some today. Also vegetarian "chicken" nuggets to dunk in the bbq sauce. I had one serving (300 calories) with lots of bbq sauce. I have no idea why this craving is here but it's not gone yet.
New neighbor downstairs with loud ass barking dogs. At least two. Haven't met her yet. Already planning to move because I'm so annoyed by them.
As soon as I get a job.
Have a great day.
xx S
Saturday, October 20, 2012
I have been floated
Oktoberfest party today...food and beer. Just what I need. I'm getting dressed up though, because there's gonna be boys there. And we all know how I'm desperately seeking the male gaze and approval. My weight is steady. My mind not so much. Our road trip last week went very well, we are now seeing each other (C. and I), however he struggles with both depression and addiction like moi. So are we good together? Or a terrible influence? Only time will tell.
I'm rereading The Bell Jar and wallowing in Sylvia's sadness. I'm unable to go a day without weed, my decade-long addiction has reached a new level and it frightens me. I legitimately feel like I cannot stop. Yes, my therapist is aware, and we're going to work on it. I'm proud of myself for sticking it out (talk therapy) for six straight (somewhat successful) months. I believe it's making a difference on my mood. I am still stagnant however, and long for growth, but am frozen by fear. I can be helped, I hope.
Take care and think thin, lovely people of the world.
XO
~Sar
I'm rereading The Bell Jar and wallowing in Sylvia's sadness. I'm unable to go a day without weed, my decade-long addiction has reached a new level and it frightens me. I legitimately feel like I cannot stop. Yes, my therapist is aware, and we're going to work on it. I'm proud of myself for sticking it out (talk therapy) for six straight (somewhat successful) months. I believe it's making a difference on my mood. I am still stagnant however, and long for growth, but am frozen by fear. I can be helped, I hope.
Take care and think thin, lovely people of the world.
XO
~Sar
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Roller coaster ride
Well that was one long, drawn out, messy, painful, stupid breakup with J.
Over a month of fights, tears, texts, two random hook ups, awkward encounters around our friends (because YAY we have all the same friends!! note to self: never date another friend), more tears, misplaced hope that we would reconcile (we didn't but came close), and perhaps most importantly....weight lost.
Today I weighed in at 132. A couple months ago I was in the low 140's....success??
My relationship failed but I'm really thin. ALL of my clothes are baggy...it is interesting. I keep buying size 6 jeans like it's still my size...it's not, they are too big!! Guess I'm a 4 now. My shirt size is small. Even my fat thighs are shrinking a bit, which is wonderful. I'll take some pics one of these days, before and after style.
As for me? Well...I'll be alright. I cried this morning when I woke up, because it does hurt. It fucking HURTS. But J. does not like me anymore. I ruined it by fighting with him and acting crazy jealous insecure you name it. Also I think there could be someone else...
Learn from me. Don't make my mistakes. You all know how much I liked him, how happy I was for a "normal and healthy" relationship....that didn't last. Nothing lasts forever and I'm telling myself that this HAD to happen, in order for me to achieve a higher level of understanding about men, myself, life, etc.
Right?? Isn't that all you can really do? Hope it all happened for a reason? I'm grasping at strings, as per usual.
***
Sorry I haven't blogged more about it, faithful readers. I've been avoiding the clarity that comes with writing because I've had tunnel vision. I am now in serious need of perspective, so I'm back to bare it all.
Work is going well. My family is doing alright, my Dad is feeling a little better (all tests thus far have been inconclusive) so THANK YOU for your prayers and well wishes!!!! I actually bought a new (2010) car a few weeks ago! It's red :) That's what hard work gets me. A feeling of accomplishment.
A new car is something I've wanted (and needed) for awhile, but I had to wait for the right time to purchase. Since I'm still living at home and trying to save money, it seemed ideal for me to just jump the gun. So far so good.
I'm still smoking up every single day. I'm in therapy still. My therapist told me that I need to stop smoking and learn to "self soothe"...seems great but in reality I'm still pretty fucking addicted.
Like right now, I'm smoking and drinking coffee. Just had 2 pieces of buttered rye toast.
See, that's the weird thing! (Sorry, tangent time) I do eat! Fatty shit! But my taste for food is just....gone. It's hard to swallow. My stomach is constantly turning and tumbling. It could be the stress from this month and half long break up drama with J. But isn't that giving him too much credit?
I'm the one with the discipline here. When did this blog make the switch from normal to ana? 2009? This has absolutely been a work in progress!!! I've found success, despite the avenue that inspired me the most.
Maybe J. just doesn't like skinny girls. The other night he fucked me from behind, his hands holding my bony hips.
***
Much to think about, as always. How are YOU?
XO
Sar
Over a month of fights, tears, texts, two random hook ups, awkward encounters around our friends (because YAY we have all the same friends!! note to self: never date another friend), more tears, misplaced hope that we would reconcile (we didn't but came close), and perhaps most importantly....weight lost.
Today I weighed in at 132. A couple months ago I was in the low 140's....success??
My relationship failed but I'm really thin. ALL of my clothes are baggy...it is interesting. I keep buying size 6 jeans like it's still my size...it's not, they are too big!! Guess I'm a 4 now. My shirt size is small. Even my fat thighs are shrinking a bit, which is wonderful. I'll take some pics one of these days, before and after style.
As for me? Well...I'll be alright. I cried this morning when I woke up, because it does hurt. It fucking HURTS. But J. does not like me anymore. I ruined it by fighting with him and acting crazy jealous insecure you name it. Also I think there could be someone else...
Learn from me. Don't make my mistakes. You all know how much I liked him, how happy I was for a "normal and healthy" relationship....that didn't last. Nothing lasts forever and I'm telling myself that this HAD to happen, in order for me to achieve a higher level of understanding about men, myself, life, etc.
Right?? Isn't that all you can really do? Hope it all happened for a reason? I'm grasping at strings, as per usual.
***
Sorry I haven't blogged more about it, faithful readers. I've been avoiding the clarity that comes with writing because I've had tunnel vision. I am now in serious need of perspective, so I'm back to bare it all.
Work is going well. My family is doing alright, my Dad is feeling a little better (all tests thus far have been inconclusive) so THANK YOU for your prayers and well wishes!!!! I actually bought a new (2010) car a few weeks ago! It's red :) That's what hard work gets me. A feeling of accomplishment.
A new car is something I've wanted (and needed) for awhile, but I had to wait for the right time to purchase. Since I'm still living at home and trying to save money, it seemed ideal for me to just jump the gun. So far so good.
I'm still smoking up every single day. I'm in therapy still. My therapist told me that I need to stop smoking and learn to "self soothe"...seems great but in reality I'm still pretty fucking addicted.
Like right now, I'm smoking and drinking coffee. Just had 2 pieces of buttered rye toast.
See, that's the weird thing! (Sorry, tangent time) I do eat! Fatty shit! But my taste for food is just....gone. It's hard to swallow. My stomach is constantly turning and tumbling. It could be the stress from this month and half long break up drama with J. But isn't that giving him too much credit?
I'm the one with the discipline here. When did this blog make the switch from normal to ana? 2009? This has absolutely been a work in progress!!! I've found success, despite the avenue that inspired me the most.
Maybe J. just doesn't like skinny girls. The other night he fucked me from behind, his hands holding my bony hips.
***
Much to think about, as always. How are YOU?
XO
Sar
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Far Out
It's the witching hour and I can't sleep. I am going on a date in the morning with a guy I met my first semester of college. We have always got along well and kept in touch. He (very) recently admitted that he's interested and so tomorrow we are meeting up, and I'm nervous. Cue a smoke session.
Still unemployed, but I've got a lead at my friend's work. It would be full time work. *Fingers Crossed* I've already applied, just waiting for a call.
This guy I'm seeing in the morning is N. He is my ex's friend. I remember fucking my ex on N.'s front porch one drunken night a couple years ago. I remember going to a concert with N. and a friend of mine; I ditched them to mess around with one of the band members. I am thinking of these things and wondering what N. thinks about it all. He clearly doesn't care too much if he wants to take me out. But who knows. I shouldn't worry what he's thinking, what anyone's thinking. But I do.
I've been in therapy for a few weeks. It's not helping much. Yesterday I just cried and fidgeted my fingers and blew my nose like crazy because I've been fighting off a cold. My therapist is kind and smart, but a different ethnicity, and sometimes she is hard to understand. Sometimes I am not sure of her point. I don't say anything, I just nod my head. I have said nothing about my disturbed eating. I am trying to just rid myself of the depression.
I'm sort of freaking out right now. I hope tomorrow goes well but if it doesn't, that's ok too. I can do this. Wish me luck.
I wouldn't mind having a guy friend that could lead to something more. It'd be a nice distraction. Maybe it's the last thing I need. Whatever, I'm doing it.
Think thin!
Xo
Sar
***
Still unemployed, but I've got a lead at my friend's work. It would be full time work. *Fingers Crossed* I've already applied, just waiting for a call.
This guy I'm seeing in the morning is N. He is my ex's friend. I remember fucking my ex on N.'s front porch one drunken night a couple years ago. I remember going to a concert with N. and a friend of mine; I ditched them to mess around with one of the band members. I am thinking of these things and wondering what N. thinks about it all. He clearly doesn't care too much if he wants to take me out. But who knows. I shouldn't worry what he's thinking, what anyone's thinking. But I do.
I've been in therapy for a few weeks. It's not helping much. Yesterday I just cried and fidgeted my fingers and blew my nose like crazy because I've been fighting off a cold. My therapist is kind and smart, but a different ethnicity, and sometimes she is hard to understand. Sometimes I am not sure of her point. I don't say anything, I just nod my head. I have said nothing about my disturbed eating. I am trying to just rid myself of the depression.
I'm sort of freaking out right now. I hope tomorrow goes well but if it doesn't, that's ok too. I can do this. Wish me luck.
I wouldn't mind having a guy friend that could lead to something more. It'd be a nice distraction. Maybe it's the last thing I need. Whatever, I'm doing it.
Think thin!
Xo
Sar
***
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Throwing stones
I'm listening to "Let's Dance" by David Bowie and smoking a little. My therapist says I should find "new coping mechanisms". I've been meaning to tell you about all that.The other day she asked how the past week had gone for me. I took a breath and recalled the binging and purging. It stuck out in my mind; I thought, "just admit it, just say it". I didn't though. I couldn't bring myself to discuss these food "problems" with her. So instead I spoke about how feeling rejected by men is making me depressed.
I think it will help in the long run. I need to keep at it if I want to feel better.
I have an overdue library book. I have not been reading nearly as much. Reading was always that thing I did, the thing I could turn to in times of stress. I just don't read as much these days. Part of depression is losing interest in things once loved. I suppose reading could be my new "mechanism for coping". New but old. I'd rather start something different. Something new and fun and exciting.
Well I've got to get up off my ass and move. Think thin.
<3 Sar
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Chill out
Hey thanks for the encouraging, supportive comments on that last post. I thought I'd update because the binge was truly not commonplace, I mean, I've been being really strong and disciplined. Something happened that night though, it was like a flick of a switch.
The next day I woke feeling full, bloated, and fat. I didn't eat for a good 12-14 hours so then when I finally did, it was an apple. Then candy [350] and some chocolate almond milk [120]. This was yesterday. Doing good, doing great, and then my parents both went to bed (never at the same time though, I'm always waiting later for my dad to go upstairs). I busted out of this house and brushed so much snow off my car and left. I smoked while I drove, thinking I wanted food but then *panicking* hardcore about food, with the binge memory near and clear. I was shaking and couldn't drive right. The green could have something to do with this, but the thought of food was hatefully ripping my soul to pieces.
I compromised with myself, ended up at Wendy's, ordered a "value" fries and donated a dollar to Hunter's Hope so now I have these coupons for free fries and frosties from Wendy's. Wonderful.
So that little snack was 220 calories, but my gluttony does not stop there. I drove myself to that 24 hour coffee place and bought a donut at 250 calories. I was so hungry, I really was. I didn't eat anything else once I got home besides some gum [20]. Here's the thing, there is just not a lot of vegetarian food here. It's a good thing, for sure. It's just that my body starts craving sustenance. It sucks. I've lived here two weeks and a pattern might be forming. I don't eat much during the day because nothing here looks or sounds good, so I restrict. But later on, I start getting that feeling in my stomach of real emptiness. I should be embracing it but instead I'm panicking and thinking about food.
What the fuck.
So on a different note, I played wii for a bit today. Wii sports. Good workout! Especially the tennis and boxing :) I need to exercise more for sure, because just doing it gave me a little motivation. I threw a load of clothes in the washer. Some of them had been sitting in my hamper since before Christmas. I haven't done laundry or anything useful really. This has been a somewhat depressing start to the new year. My attitude is alright but my drive to succeed at life is slipping. My point is that exercise helped, even stubborn old me can admit that.
I can't stop listening to "Bridge over troubled water"...what a beautiful, uplifting song.
I keep having dreams about moving. I'm DONE moving...for awhile. I need a job then an apartment. That's the plan. Ok I have a freaking plan and my back hurts from 10 minutes of exercise and I'm sitting here smoking weed and blowing it out a crack in my childhood bedroom window. LOL. Life shouldn't be taken so damn seriously! I have been taking EVERYTHING so seriously lately and I want/need to chill.
It's snowing again. I need to hit up a store for some things for my cat. Take care everyone.
<33
Sar
Ps Think thin duhhh!!!!
(:
The next day I woke feeling full, bloated, and fat. I didn't eat for a good 12-14 hours so then when I finally did, it was an apple. Then candy [350] and some chocolate almond milk [120]. This was yesterday. Doing good, doing great, and then my parents both went to bed (never at the same time though, I'm always waiting later for my dad to go upstairs). I busted out of this house and brushed so much snow off my car and left. I smoked while I drove, thinking I wanted food but then *panicking* hardcore about food, with the binge memory near and clear. I was shaking and couldn't drive right. The green could have something to do with this, but the thought of food was hatefully ripping my soul to pieces.
I compromised with myself, ended up at Wendy's, ordered a "value" fries and donated a dollar to Hunter's Hope so now I have these coupons for free fries and frosties from Wendy's. Wonderful.
So that little snack was 220 calories, but my gluttony does not stop there. I drove myself to that 24 hour coffee place and bought a donut at 250 calories. I was so hungry, I really was. I didn't eat anything else once I got home besides some gum [20]. Here's the thing, there is just not a lot of vegetarian food here. It's a good thing, for sure. It's just that my body starts craving sustenance. It sucks. I've lived here two weeks and a pattern might be forming. I don't eat much during the day because nothing here looks or sounds good, so I restrict. But later on, I start getting that feeling in my stomach of real emptiness. I should be embracing it but instead I'm panicking and thinking about food.
What the fuck.
So on a different note, I played wii for a bit today. Wii sports. Good workout! Especially the tennis and boxing :) I need to exercise more for sure, because just doing it gave me a little motivation. I threw a load of clothes in the washer. Some of them had been sitting in my hamper since before Christmas. I haven't done laundry or anything useful really. This has been a somewhat depressing start to the new year. My attitude is alright but my drive to succeed at life is slipping. My point is that exercise helped, even stubborn old me can admit that.
I can't stop listening to "Bridge over troubled water"...what a beautiful, uplifting song.
I keep having dreams about moving. I'm DONE moving...for awhile. I need a job then an apartment. That's the plan. Ok I have a freaking plan and my back hurts from 10 minutes of exercise and I'm sitting here smoking weed and blowing it out a crack in my childhood bedroom window. LOL. Life shouldn't be taken so damn seriously! I have been taking EVERYTHING so seriously lately and I want/need to chill.
It's snowing again. I need to hit up a store for some things for my cat. Take care everyone.
<33
Sar
Ps Think thin duhhh!!!!
(:
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