Boys

A familiar heartbreak I haven't felt in weeks. It's twofold this time. Here's why:

C. and I had been taking a break, not talking or hanging out, under the guise of "perspective". Last night after work I bought two beers and a pack of cigarettes. I decided I wanted to get messed up. The beers were 22oz. I drank one and then texted C. to see if he wanted to join me. I went over there and we were alone for the first time in awhile. He sat there in silence. I attempted intellectual conversation. He asked to smoke and I provided. He played music and I sang along while he sat in silence. Getting the pattern? He is boring. I was getting drunk so I made the executive decision to put the moves on him.

I slid closer to him on the couch, he didn't move. I faced him and began running my hands over his body and saying sultry things like, "wanna have some fun?". His reaction? A boner and "I don't want a commitment." Uh, me neither. I was trying to lighten the mood. I tried to kiss him he gave me the cheek. Mortified, I turned to leave. We texted after I was home. I was upset for awhile but seeing him last night was like the final act of our play.

I am no longer interested in the slightest. I RARELY make the first move. I tried because of our history, because the moment maybe called for it, and because I was drunk and felt like having an adventure. He essentially rejected me. So...if we're not friends, and we're not fuck buddies, then we're nothing. And I'm ok with it, finally. Last night I was bored by his company. Last night I was reminded of how toxic he is. The only thing he even talked about was tripping on mushrooms last weekend. He is a dead end.

I mentioned that my heartbreak is twofold. Partly because of C. And partly because of Jake. As I mentioned, him and I have been talking for the past few weeks. A lot. I thought things were progressing nicely. Until yesterday. He and I were texting about getting together. All of a sudden he was being really unclear, saying he wasn't sure what was going on because some friends were coming into town. So I said something back via text that he didn't like. I said, "I'll make it easy for you - forget it, I'll make other plans." It was a moment of defiance. I was getting ready for work and just wanted to know if we were hanging or not, like he said we were. And...I haven't heard anything back since. I even texted him again later last night apologizing if I offended him. Still nothing.

Which brings me to today. I'm hungover from drinking on an empty stomach. I have nothing here to eat except for some random canned goods. I had my last potato this morning, stir fried breakfast-style with a little olive oil and garlic powder. Served with hot sauce. Also coffee. Needless to say I'm so hungry it's making me tired. I will spend a few dollars tonight after work on something. I have to get something in this house. I'm just so damn broke. Maybe tortillas and frozen mixed vegetables. It shouldn't cost too much.

My bank account hasn't been this low in a long time. It's getting scary. I just paid $318 for a traffic ticket which realllyyy hurt me this month. I can't pay any bills at all for a few weeks and they're all coming up being due next week. FML. Probably asking my parents for some money again. *sigh*

I have to get ready for work. I'm not doing anything tonight. Peace.

xo
Sar

Hello June!

It's a new month and I'm another day wiser. I'm about to get really superficial but you know I keep it real. I'm feeling good about myself, my looks, and my weight. I went to a house party the other night and weighed myself secretly upstairs in the bathroom on the digital scale. I'm down five pounds since the last time I weighed in. I feel really happy about that! The number could be even lower considering at that point in the night my stomach was full of alcohol!

Last night I went to a sweet show with a sweet guy. At one point I caught my reflection in the mirror and felt beautiful. It felt so rare; I'm cherishing it. I wore a really cute dress and felt very confident in it. I've been cutting my own hair and it's growing out really nicely. My face looks way better when I'm thinner. Seriously dropping those few pounds gave my face a chiseled glow that I appreciate and crave to keep.

The plan is to keep it up. Restricting just a little to feel the pleasure of the burn.

I'm high on life.
It has been a great weekend.

Love,
Sar

Let the Sunshine in

That glorious moment in the dressing room with a couple pairs of pants, sizes two and four. They both fit. I go with the four because the size twos remind me of leggings, they cling to my leg fat. Leg fat? Girl you fit in a size two. That's one size away from zero.

I weigh less and look thinner. I'm in my high school weight range. Interesting. The correlation between starting my job and losing the weight is somewhat clear, though I've been on this journey for awhile.

There are two women at my work. They are so unbelievably thin. They are thinspiration, so close, five days a week. I wonder if they notice me.

I'm moving in four days. I am about a quarter of the way packed. I'm SO excited!

I won't have internet for awhile, which seriously sucks. I have no idea how to get it, it's always been included with my rent in apartments prior. Any advice on this?

J. and I continue to see each other. Things are going good and I have hope that this could last. He visited me at work on my lunch break today and brought a single red rose. He asked me if I knew what it meant. I said no. It means true love. To me, it is just a flower. If you love me, J., tell me.

Thank you, Miranda, for the sweet comment about my big move. You and I could be kindred spirits.

It's almost midnight, and I have to wake at six. Good night.

XO

Sar

Roller coaster ride

Well that was one long, drawn out, messy, painful, stupid breakup with J.

Over a month of fights, tears, texts, two random hook ups, awkward encounters around our friends (because YAY we have all the same friends!! note to self: never date another friend), more tears, misplaced hope that we would reconcile (we didn't but came close), and perhaps most importantly....weight lost.

Today I weighed in at 132. A couple months ago I was in the low 140's....success??

My relationship failed but I'm really thin. ALL of my clothes are baggy...it is interesting. I keep buying size 6 jeans like it's still my size...it's not, they are too big!! Guess I'm a 4 now. My shirt size is small. Even my fat thighs are shrinking a bit, which is wonderful. I'll take some pics one of these days, before and after style.

As for me? Well...I'll be alright. I cried this morning when I woke up, because it does hurt. It fucking HURTS. But J. does not like me anymore. I ruined it by fighting with him and acting crazy jealous insecure you name it. Also I think there could be someone else...

Learn from me. Don't make my mistakes. You all know how much I liked him, how happy I was for a "normal and healthy" relationship....that didn't last. Nothing lasts forever and I'm telling myself that this HAD to happen, in order for me to achieve a higher level of understanding about men, myself, life, etc.

Right?? Isn't that all you can really do? Hope it all happened for a reason? I'm grasping at strings, as per usual.

***

Sorry I haven't blogged more about it, faithful readers. I've been avoiding the clarity that comes with writing because I've had tunnel vision. I am now in serious need of perspective, so I'm back to bare it all.

Work is going well. My family is doing alright, my Dad is feeling a little better (all tests thus far have been inconclusive) so THANK YOU for your prayers and well wishes!!!! I actually bought a new (2010) car a few weeks ago! It's red :) That's what hard work gets me. A feeling of accomplishment.

A new car is something I've wanted (and needed) for awhile, but I had to wait for the right time to purchase. Since I'm still living at home and trying to save money, it seemed ideal for me to just jump the gun. So far so good.

I'm still smoking up every single day. I'm in therapy still. My therapist told me that I need to stop smoking and learn to "self soothe"...seems great but in reality I'm still pretty fucking addicted.

Like right now, I'm smoking and drinking coffee. Just had 2 pieces of buttered rye toast.

See, that's the weird thing! (Sorry, tangent time) I do eat! Fatty shit! But my taste for food is just....gone. It's hard to swallow. My stomach is constantly turning and tumbling. It could be the stress from this month and half long break up drama with J. But isn't that giving him too much credit?

I'm the one with the discipline here. When did this blog make the switch from normal to ana? 2009? This has absolutely been a work in progress!!! I've found success, despite the avenue that inspired me the most.

Maybe J. just doesn't like skinny girls. The other night he fucked me from behind, his hands holding my bony hips.

***

Much to think about, as always. How are YOU?

XO
Sar