well hello

well hello

Saturday, October 20, 2012

I have been floated

Oktoberfest party today...food and beer. Just what I need. I'm getting dressed up though, because there's gonna be boys there. And we all know how I'm desperately seeking the male gaze and approval. My weight is steady. My mind not so much. Our road trip last week went very well, we are now seeing each other (C. and I), however he struggles with both depression and addiction like moi. So are we good together? Or a terrible influence? Only time will tell.

I'm rereading The Bell Jar and wallowing in Sylvia's sadness. I'm unable to go a day without weed, my decade-long addiction has reached a new level and it frightens me. I legitimately feel like I cannot stop. Yes, my therapist is aware, and we're going to work on it. I'm proud of myself for sticking it out (talk therapy) for six straight (somewhat successful) months. I believe it's making a difference on my mood. I am still stagnant however, and long for growth, but am frozen by fear. I can be helped, I hope.

Take care and think thin, lovely people of the world.


Olivia Lee said...

I love The Bell Jar, and this really is a perfect time to read it. Thanks for the inspiration.

Fat Piggy said...

Yo, I can sympathise. Obviously you know that physical dependency on weed is not possible. I.e. it isn't addictive. So it is possible. The thing that you need to try make up in your mind is that you can make it through a day without. Maybe just try one day. I found that when I cut back, I was far more focused and a lot less depressed about the world (well part of which was that I got nothing done so felt like all I was doing was converting oxygen into carbon dioxide). I know you can sort this out. :) Xo

Anonymous said...

At least you have hope. Without that there is nothing. Stick with the the therapy! Hope the party was fun.