Illusive

I get tired of being so cold. I was laying in my bed late last night, alone, thinking how isolated I've felt. It occurred to me that I've made it this way. I've kept people out, refused to let them in.

Remember all the guys I mentioned in my last post? Well I've somewhat successfully pushed them away, squashed their budding interest, painted a bleak picture of me...and for what? To preserve the self? To maintain icy composure? To allude myself into thinking that I've got control? BECAUSE I DON'T.

Here's what I have: a jaded and bitter personality, a frown, a headache, heartache, and a sense of loss that is encompassing. I am worried about me. I am concerned that it is too late for me. What's next? How do I fix this?

I've been so concerned with appearing aloof, cool, nonchalant, serious, smart, and better than everyone. I fear that I have lost my goofy giddiness. I used to be the girl who smiled all the time. People would say, "you sure smile a lot!". People would smile back.

The bottomline is that I hate myself. Still. After everything - quitting so many jobs for "better" ones, writing until my hands hurt, talking it out with friends, hours and hours in therapy, the beginning of a repaired relationship with my parents, the birth of my nephew and the love that I feel for him, moving out and away from my hometown, ending toxic friendships, getting a cat...I could go on but NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING helps. Seemingly.

Perhaps I am making strides, albeit slow ones. I'm talking SLOW. And this is a huge perhaps.

The one guy I *was* talking to (we hung out four times) told me that I "love to play games" and that I am "too illusive for him to keep up with". That hurt. Is he right? What the hell am I doing??

It's the end of the year and I'm feeling contemplative as usual. What's sad is that if you go back and reread my last posts from Dec. 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, and 2008 (I've been blogging a long time), you'll see no change. Or if there is change it's BRIEF AS FUCK. I've been ending the year on a sad note forever.

Will I be ok? Will I improve? Will I find love? I am 27 years old. This is my golden age! What scares me the most is what if I meet the man of my dreams (and it's possible that I already have) but push him away? I don't want to die alone. I want love. I'm just so scared. Of everything.

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I keep dreaming about schools. I'm considering teaching as a life path. It would be a big decision but I need to keep trying. Never give up. On love or life.

2014 will be a better year.
Maybe it will be *my* year.
And your year.

Thx for reading all this.

Love ya,
XO
~S