|Look away, look away|
Instead of regret or remorse I am numb.
Today is Tuesday and it's raining. They are calling for rain all week. I got drunk on Sunday. I didn't even mean to. The funny thing with me and drinking is that I never can tell when I'm drunk until it's way, way too late. And the realization doesn't happen half the time. Usually I just do my best to keep the spins at bay and keep my voice under control. No one can tell I'm drunk. Not even me.
I live in a constant altered state. The waves and blips of levels of inebriation do not resonate.
I am running out of money and it's brought aboard my old friend panic. A familiar feeling of stress and anxiety and worry; I am almost comforted by the drama of it all. It's sick.
God, sometimes I just hate myself! And everyone! I am so concerned always with what everyone else is doing or thinking. I want to know and control it all. But I can't and it eats away at me. I have therapy tonight, good thing. Weekly is working. Tonight will be my third visit and I hope so sincerely that she will see past my facade of wellness.
Time for work. Love love love you.