The space between our wicked lies

Look away, look away

As April comes to an end I can look back and say with certainty that I've changed. Maybe not a lot but enough. When this month started I was coming off a high. I was hooked on Z. That faded fairly fast, and now I've almost forgotten him. I've realized the truth; I remain logical.

Instead of regret or remorse I am numb.

Today is Tuesday and it's raining. They are calling for rain all week. I got drunk on Sunday. I didn't even mean to. The funny thing with me and drinking is that I never can tell when I'm drunk until it's way, way too late. And the realization doesn't happen half the time. Usually I just do my best to keep the spins at bay and keep my voice under control. No one can tell I'm drunk. Not even me.

I live in a constant altered state. The waves and blips of levels of inebriation do not resonate.

I am running out of money and it's brought aboard my old friend panic. A familiar feeling of stress and anxiety and worry; I am almost comforted by the drama of it all. It's sick. I need to find a job. I will find a job.

God, sometimes I just hate myself! And everyone! I am so concerned always with what everyone else is doing or thinking. I want to know and control it all. But I can't and it eats away at me. I have therapy tonight, good thing. Weekly is working. Tonight will be my third visit and I hope so sincerely that she will see past my facade of wellness.

Time for work. Love love love you.
XO
sarah