oh Monday.

Hello. First, thank you kindly for your amazing comments. It does more good than you know. It is a spark in the dark cave my spirit resides in, a spark of flame, a growing light. Maybe I can sleep tonight.

I was called into work today. I knew T. was working tonight so I went in (plus I need the cash). I saw him briefly at the end of my shift, he looked sad. He could barely look at me. He was polite. There are so many unsaid words. Work is not the place to express them. He looked sad, did I say that already? Did I cause this pain? How can I make him smile? I can't anymore.
No tears in my eyes when our bodies were only feet away, just this awful pain in my heart.

My chest is still aching. I have been smoking nonstop, trying to numb myself, my feelings. Trying to slow down my actions.

I figured out why Tom and I kissed: I was craving a connection. He was there, T. was not. It's as simple as that. There was nothing stopping me. So I closed my eyes and jumped.
I made my decision to fuck up what trust T. had for me and now all I can do is learn to trust myself. That is what my mom said. She advised me to learn how to trust myself.

I can't.

I don't know how.

I can't trust myself around:
food
weed
cigarettes
men (apparently)

I can't even trust myself to take care of schoolwork.

Hell, I forget to water my plants. I forget how many times a day I feed my cat. 3? 4?

I have a lot of work to do.

Keeping with the theme, I texted Tom & asked if I could stop by tonight. He said yes. I am going there in 45 minutes. This is for green, but I am so nervous. I don't know how to act. I guess I have 45 minutes to figure out myself and act like her so maybe I have the chance of at least being this dude's friend. I don't want to lose anymore. I know, I will think of some topics of conversation. One time we started talking about cells, and cancer, and other scientific things. My mind was obviously blown but I was stoned so oh well.

I am all over the place. I love you readers though! Blogging is great.

Time to stand up and figure out what to wear. I am thinking this is going to be a short visit. I am listening to the Grateful Dead right now. fuck yeah man.

Peace.
Think THIN!!!!!

Poof & disappear.

It's all so complex now.
I am at my parent's house and just binged on: (2)pieces of toast with I can't believe it's not butter spread. 2 nature valley crunchy granola bars (1 package). a couple pieces of chocolate. Earlier? doritos. Whatta pig. Kill me. Please.
I can't do anything right. I am at battle with the queen bee, that bitch, fuck you mia.

I am so fucking fat and not fit and a failure and a freak and fuck you Sar die die die.

T. is out of reach, I feel.
I am having weird pains throughout my body.
I am a bad influence on everyone around me.
I can't control anything, let alone myself.
I can't even be around food without wanting it when I feel like this.

((Like.This.))

hatehatehatehatehatehatefatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat

I went shopping with my mom today, for clothes. OH GOD. Size 9 fucking skinny jeans KILL ME NOW. They fit comfortably. 7 was tight and I was feeling full and not prepared to buy them. I fucking should have. Talk about a reason to lose. B/c obvious my current reasons AREN'T FUCKING WORKING!!!!!!

It is 2:10 am. I am leaving my parent's house to go smoke pot with a friend. I need a cigarette so bad. Can't wait to light one up.

Peace, everyone. Hope you're doing better than me.

Think thin.

Tremendous, exploding, trailing stars...

Be still my heart.

I am visibly trembling. R. just left. I can't believe he was here, I just can't believe it. I am shook.

We had sex 3 times. Months apart. Last time being July, and then 2 weeks later he got a girlfriend. We stopped talking completely; we were never "talking" before (just fucking & playing games) so it was easy to stop.

My heart is racing, it is starting to cease. It it 3:18 am and I have class at 9:30 and at least 17 more pages of reading and two reading summaries to complete. To start, actually. Fuck. I feel sick. My stomach is twisting and turning. I was jumpy around him, as usual. Shaky. But cool. I mostly listened. We smoked a lot, then a cigarette each. The first two cigs smoked in my apartment. Anything for him.

He makes me want to stop eating. He always has. He is tall, skinny, gorgeous. Thinner than my curvy self, that's for sure. But he said once that I had "great boobs" and I "felt good". Idk. Now my head is starting to split with exhaustion. And stress. And to be honest, hunger.

I ate today: apple, lentil soup, carrot sticks, slice of thick bread, slice of cheese pizza (with bleu cheese), salad (no cheese or croutons, MINIMAL fat free italian dressing, green tea, black coffee, 60 cal juice box, fiber one yogurt. * I am not even going to bother adding the calories because the sheer size of it will surely devastate me. Fail for food for the day. I need to do something now, either go to sleep and say fuck the homework, or do the homework and say fuck sleep. I am truly to tensed up to sleep at the moment, but I am sure that the moment I hit my bed I will pass the eff out.

Shout out to my followers : ) Thanks for reading.

Love <3 Sar

Think Thin.