well hello

well hello

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Poof & disappear.

It's all so complex now.
I am at my parent's house and just binged on: (2)pieces of toast with I can't believe it's not butter spread. 2 nature valley crunchy granola bars (1 package). a couple pieces of chocolate. Earlier? doritos. Whatta pig. Kill me. Please.
I can't do anything right. I am at battle with the queen bee, that bitch, fuck you mia.

I am so fucking fat and not fit and a failure and a freak and fuck you Sar die die die.

T. is out of reach, I feel.
I am having weird pains throughout my body.
I am a bad influence on everyone around me.
I can't control anything, let alone myself.
I can't even be around food without wanting it when I feel like this.

((Like.This.))

hatehatehatehatehatehatefatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat

I went shopping with my mom today, for clothes. OH GOD. Size 9 fucking skinny jeans KILL ME NOW. They fit comfortably. 7 was tight and I was feeling full and not prepared to buy them. I fucking should have. Talk about a reason to lose. B/c obvious my current reasons AREN'T FUCKING WORKING!!!!!!

It is 2:10 am. I am leaving my parent's house to go smoke pot with a friend. I need a cigarette so bad. Can't wait to light one up.

Peace, everyone. Hope you're doing better than me.

Think thin.

2 comments:

Flushed said...

You are stronger than you know Sar.

Mia is a bully, you know better because you are conflicted about it all but it is easier to just be bullied. We're all there but we don't have to be bullied, you can stand up for yourself. For your body. For your mind.

Don't LET this get the best of you, being fat and bulimic is easier but we all know it takes work to get what you want and be what you want to be.

Be Strong Sar! You know you want to!

Stick Thin said...

Sar you need to give yourself some credit. You are strong! I am so sorry that things are going poorly. I hope they get better :( Try and enjoy the holiday? I'm here for you. Shit. I wish I could to more. grr