Monday, January 4, 2010
Hello. First, thank you kindly for your amazing comments. It does more good than you know. It is a spark in the dark cave my spirit resides in, a spark of flame, a growing light. Maybe I can sleep tonight.
I was called into work today. I knew T. was working tonight so I went in (plus I need the cash). I saw him briefly at the end of my shift, he looked sad. He could barely look at me. He was polite. There are so many unsaid words. Work is not the place to express them. He looked sad, did I say that already? Did I cause this pain? How can I make him smile? I can't anymore.
No tears in my eyes when our bodies were only feet away, just this awful pain in my heart.
My chest is still aching. I have been smoking nonstop, trying to numb myself, my feelings. Trying to slow down my actions.
I figured out why Tom and I kissed: I was craving a connection. He was there, T. was not. It's as simple as that. There was nothing stopping me. So I closed my eyes and jumped.
I made my decision to fuck up what trust T. had for me and now all I can do is learn to trust myself. That is what my mom said. She advised me to learn how to trust myself.
I don't know how.
I can't trust myself around:
I can't even trust myself to take care of schoolwork.
Hell, I forget to water my plants. I forget how many times a day I feed my cat. 3? 4?
I have a lot of work to do.
Keeping with the theme, I texted Tom & asked if I could stop by tonight. He said yes. I am going there in 45 minutes. This is for green, but I am so nervous. I don't know how to act. I guess I have 45 minutes to figure out myself and act like her so maybe I have the chance of at least being this dude's friend. I don't want to lose anymore. I know, I will think of some topics of conversation. One time we started talking about cells, and cancer, and other scientific things. My mind was obviously blown but I was stoned so oh well.
I am all over the place. I love you readers though! Blogging is great.
Time to stand up and figure out what to wear. I am thinking this is going to be a short visit. I am listening to the Grateful Dead right now. fuck yeah man.