Last day of the month

My cat knocked a full glass of ice water on my laptop and it's been dead ever since. Typing this at work.

I miss blogging. I have had such a busy summer and my coping skills still suck. I feel that I've put on five or six pounds and look disgusting. Things with D. are still off and on. Our one year "anniversary" was last week. He choked me lightly during sex the other day. I sometimes long to die. I keep waiting for him to save me.

I need a new laptop, to renew my license (my birthday is this week), to go clothes shopping, to clean and organize my life, to stop smoking cigarettes and weed. I need everything good for me right now but I'm treating myself like shit.

I hate myself too much. I am starting to hate my job. I don't know what to do. I am about to be 29 years old and it almost feels like I'm regressing back into a child. I can't handle any criticism. I have lost touch with important friends. I have lost my spirituality.

Help me Sarah, you're the only one who can.

Until next time...

xo

The feels

He's been gone for 21 days and we've had a terrible fight. I just blocked him so we have no contact. I am listening to the Rain Song by Led Zeppelin. I barely ate today. Or yesterday. Fuck food.

I have maintained my new low of 134 pounds. I am 5'8 so I'd say that's pretty fucking good.

Too bad my heart is alone and the pain is striking. We love each other and yet fight so desperately, so madly. We pull out the guns. It's sad. And it lowers my self esteem, which already has been affected by the abortion.

I have drank 4 beers, smoked 2 bowls and about 5 cigarettes since I've been home from work. I am trying to numb the pain. The weird thing is how the pain doesn't get numbed, it lingers. I miss D. terribly. This trip of his, the timing of it, the love/hate we've been experiencing...is just...incredible. Incredibly hard.

Peace to all,
Sar

Emotional

Well today was my last day at work in the office. The past two weeks have absolutely dragged and so did today, it all culminated to a very emotional goodbye. I breathe in ragged sobs, my heart dances across my chest, and my head spins on its axis. And yet...I know this is right. I still do not have another job but I will find one. I am not scared or even numb...just indifferent. It's sad saying see you later to nice people but I will not miss the industry.

What's next for me?

Where will I go from here?

Is it up to fate? Or do I have free will?

***

Loaded questions for a Friday. I think I'll do the dishes and get myself pretty because my friend is headed over and we're going to happy hour. The happiest most bittersweet hour.

Peace.
xo
Sar*

Hurt

Happy birthday to me.

Every single one of my friends blew me off.

Thank God for family. My family cared enough to have dinner with me. My parents bought me a necklace. I had a great weekend with my sister.

But my friends? My friends clearly don't give a shit about me and don't give a shit that it's my 25th fucking birthday. I was supposed to hang with my "bff". Just found out she's still gone, camping with my two other "friends". FUCK THEM.

So, I'm sitting here. Alone. In my room. Crying.