Slightly stupid

Stoned. At home. Sipping a glass of wine. I agree, I need to get this coworker sex fantasy out of my head. The problem is that I'm shy. The other problem is J.- I care for him. I have a feeling that I'm subconsciously self-sabotaging.

Work is done for the week. It's officially Saturday morning and today is the last day of the year. I'm going to get a hair cut. I need to do (everything) right.

Today D. (guy at work) and I didn't really talk. But there was this weird eye contact on break. He is a mystery, and I'm up to my old tricks. What will it take for this wandering eye to die?

And here I am, texting my ex-boyfriend. What the fuck is wrong with me?

-Sar

2011 is old news

Doll-thin, non-reality, fucked priorities.

New year's eve eve. I'm listening to music, schmoking some schmoke, and haven't even made the coffee yet, even though it's 12:30 in the afternoon. Fuck.

Ok, the situation has been remedied! It's a-brewing. I really need to clean. My room is messy. It's driving me crazy. I just want a few hours to do it! So tonight or tomorrow, I'm buckling down. I'd like to start the new year with an organized space. And a organized mind.

I watched "Melancholia" two nights ago. What a movie! The music is gorgeous and appropriate, the visuals are haunting and Kirsten Dunst plays a very convincing depressed woman. She will probably win some sort of award. Her sister (actress Charlotte Gainsbourg) is Ana-thin. Her bones stick out in every scene. Oh, movie thinspo, how I enjoy thee.

Mmm coffee. I've been cheating and drinking it with creamer. Every guilty sip is an inch around my waist.

***

New year's eve last year was a shit show. Same with the year before, actually. Wow. Ok. So this year is going to be normal. I hope, I pray. I am going to a free concert in my area. I have no clue who's joining me or who's driving. I might go have dinner at a friend's first. Might. Any occasion involving food makes me nervous. I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

J. has to work tomorrow and Sunday, unfortunately. He will be getting out at quarter to midnight tomorrow. We want to see each other and kiss at twelve so it will be a race against time, trying to get together for a lip lock...how romantic. Then we'll get wasted. How not romantic.

Today is going to be one of those days, I can feel it. Too much on my mind and I've been fighting off a sickness. I am nervous about tomorrow and hope everything goes well. The rest of the year depends on it!

Do you believe in karma?

***

On one last, final, note. There is a guy at work. *Sighs* I am really into J. and pleased with what's happening with us, but this guy!

I don't know if I invent this shit to keep myself entertained at never-ending work, or what. But I'm thinking there is some chemistry between us.

For some reason, I can hardly look at him. My eyes give me away and I blush so I avoid him. This was innocently going on for months, but he recently (2-3 weeks ago) switched to my department! So I see him every day, alll day.

I guess maybe I'm just super horny. I haven't had sex in awhile. And my sex-with-a-coworker fantasy is always present. I mean, I'm not technically tied down or with a ring on my finger. I can do what I want.

What do I want? Does anyone ever know?

***

Think thin today. Be strong. Be thin.

X
O

S
A
R

Baggy clothes are a mixed blessing

Hope you all had a great holiday! I celebrated Christmas in a big way: NFL game on the Eve, lots of food and drink all weekend, and good times with family and friends. I gave and received nice gifts. I haven't stepped on the scale since last week. That all changes tomorrow. I allowed myself some indulgences but for no longer. It's time to get serious.

Although, some days I feel too thin. Can you believe that? My clothes are just too baggy! I'm not exactly complaining but I like to look good, and no one looks good when their clothes are hanging off. I'm not rich so I can't keep shopping for new stuff...I'm just not buying jeans for awhile and the dryer is my new best friend.

Oh, and last week I bought a shirt from bebe, size XS. That's extra small. Because I'm apparently shrinking back to my high school body. It looks super cute on me and I wore it to J.'s when we exchanged gifts. We are still dating. He gave me a Vera Wang necklace and a purse. I gave him a hat and a lava lamp. We're too fucking adorable.

Be strong. Peace.

XO

~Sar~

Peace frog (not for closed-minded individuals)

Hey hey. I've been losing more weight. About 4 pounds since I've last blogged. This makes me happy, I'm getting there...but not there yet. (The elusive "there"). I need to lose about 8 more pounds before I'm completely happy with my body. That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it.

Last night I took LSD. By myself. In my room, after work. It was good stuff and the "effects" kicked in right away. I was seeing some incredible things. Acid is a weird drug. It tricks you. I'd be looking around, thinking, "Ok, it's fading, maybe everything is back to normal" and then I'd look to my left and see my scarf-covered mirror melting off the wall like a Dali clock five feet away from me. It was beautiful, it was surreal. It happened, and I won't forget it. I'll never forgot what I saw. What I've seen.

I've taken LSD (3 or 4 times) before so I was prepared for it. I hid my full length mirror, put pretty dresses and scarfs over items to captivate my eyes, and kept my thoughts light and happy. It was a peaceful trip. 

I was tired the whole time, which kind of sucked. I worked 8 hours, ate very little all day (about 400 calories - if that), came home and stayed up another 7 hours. It was just a long day and I absolutely think LSD is better in a daytime summer setting. I didn't even go outside. It was late, dark and freezing cold out there. But I liked my little oasis. It was soothing, in a way, to chill out in my room and not have to think about going anywhere or doing anything I didn't want to.

Being around nature is integral while tripping. You can really notice the intricacies as you gaze in wonderment at the natural world. If I ever do it again, it will be outside in the summer.

I have two houseplants in my bedroom and that's as close to nature as I got (this time). It was all gravy, baby.

Are you experienced?

Tripping brings you outside of your body for a bit. I realized that my body is a vessel; my soul is possessing it to experience life on Earth as Me. Someday, when I die, this body will be cast away, long forgotten and dispensable, and I will be free to fly.

I am not looking forward to that day, I want many years to live my life and fulfill my purpose here on Earth as Sar. I truly hope I can make a difference in the lives of others, in fact I know that I already have, and will continue to do so. Forever changing, gratefully learning and loving. 

And when 'D-day' comes, I will shed away my skin like a snake. I will burst out of my cocoon like a bold breath-taking butterfly. I will jump into the abyss, naked.

And it'll be ok. I'll be ok. You'll be ok.

***

The Beatles are the best band I've ever heard. The message of peace and love combined with their incredible musical talent is something I choose to connect with on a deeper level. Their music is timeless, riveting, and speaks to me like nothing else I've ever heard. I wish I lived during the 1960's-70's so I could've had the chance to see them live.

I listened to "Yellow Submarine" in its entirety on my trip. What an amazing album! I was overwhelmed with love for the group and their music. I was struck by how the songs flowed perfectly together. It just made sense, and I was thankful to have ears to be able to hear such wonderful music.

I love love LOVE music!

Do you? I am ALWAYS looking to hear new bands! Let me know!

***

Time for a shower and perhaps coffee. I only slept 6 hours but couldn't/didn't want to be in bed all day. I just needed to blog about my trip. I'm glad I did it.

Yes, most drugs are "bad", addicting, and dangerous if you're out driving but I've done my research. I feel comfortable with the fact that LSD doesn't hurt my body or brain. Not that I'll be doing it again anytime soon. Don't get me wrong - it is a very powerful drug.

You have to accept it, you need to have some idea of what could happen so you don't get a little freaked out by the emotional cutting board and stuff moving in the corner of your eye and the thoughts, oh the thoughts come hard and fast. You must know this, be ok with it, embrace it, remember that it WILL end, and you'll be set.

Ahem. Not that I'm giving drug advice. LOL.

***

Shower time for real. I need to get out while it's still light out! Have a good weekend and love yourself.

Think thin, too. 

XO

~Sar~

Secret Santa

My hipbones keep poking through my jeans!

Today: coffee. water. 1 small apple.

Later at work we are having a holiday luncheon. It's an hour long distraction from work so I'm grateful for that. I have no clue what will be served but I'm pretty much fasting in preparation. It's at 7. I will keep my portions small and hope there isn't much for vegetarians. No one will see me going up for seconds or stuffing my face like a fat ass.

My outfit is cute and my outlook is (somewhat) positive. I got in a fight with my mom on the phone but I will not let it ruin my day. We are doing a "Secret Santa" gift exchange at the luncheon, I got a cute gift for this girl and hope I get something cool in return from whoever my "Santa" is. I'll let ya know.

Just want to say think thin always!

Be someone's inspiration thinspiration.

XO
~Sar

*

In need of fresh air

Ever hear of Gotye? I can't get enough right now.

So. Another day, another dollar. Last time I blogged I mentioned apprehension about going to work...well guess what I did? Called in. Sick. Like the liar that I am.

I had a day of shopping with a little binge on Mcdonalds french fries. I went back to work the next day refreshed. Saturday was our party, and I had a great time! My new size 6 cocktail dress was just a little baggy on me! It felt great and I looked incredibly beautiful. Haha conceited much? Ah well, tis my blog, my curse.

Me and J. are dating for realz. It's scary. My response to fear is restricting food and sleep. My throat is feeling a little sore but not from purging. It could be from the constant bowl smoking. Or maybe lack of rest and nutrition is finally catching up. Dammit.

I've been maintaining a lower weight. I'm pleased but exhausted. I keep chewing the inside of my cheeks and lips like an obsessive. I'm filled to the brim with anxiety over everything.

Time to shower and get ready for work.
This coffee isn't waking me up.
This weed is making me wacky.
Maybe I'll pop an "airborne".


Stay Strong Against Temptation.

&

Think Thin Always.

XO

Sar

December blues

Currently listening to the Nutcracker. Drinking black coffee. Smokin' up. Down another pound.

Work has been awful. I'm "not where I should be at 6 months" according to my boss. Cue huge blow to my self esteem. HUGE because I take everything personally. I have to. That's how I roll. And the worst part is that he's right. But I am not the only one to blame. My trainer has been such a slacker. Everyone in my department is, really. I feel like I have no friends there. I feel like a stupid idiot. I feel like escaping, quitting, bouncing out, leaving them high and dry.

I can't remember a worse work week. I have no choices here unfortunately. I can't quit. I can't take a sick day. I need the money so I need this job. I'm going to get serious about looking for another in the new year. Until then I must stick it out.

This time of year is complex. The kid part of me is excited to get presents.  I enjoy the holiday lights and our festive Christmas tree. The adult part of me is bummed because the magic is gone. Expectations are diminished. I'm broke, working a shitty job and driving a shitty car.

For God's sake! Why can't I just look on the bright side?

***

Time to get ready for work. 2 more shifts until the weekend. Hoping today goes a little better.

\Think thin and Stay strong/

XO
Sar

She told me I looked skinny

Hey there sexy reading machines!

I haven't stopped in weeks. I've been so damn busy. I'm living life and enjoying my days...this past weekend especially! I hung out with J. both nights but on Saturday some friends joined us for a (totally awesome) concert.

We were in the bathroom and I was looking in the full length mirror, harshly criticizing myself internally, when my friend said, "You look really skinny!"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, someone freaking NOTICED and said something to me! I've been waiting for this! Thank you thank you thank you for the compliment!!!


Back to the bathroom - I beamed brightly and said, "Thanks! I've been trying to lose weight!"

End of conversation...it's days later and I'm still thinking about it, letting those few words propel me through my journey to thin.

Time to get ready for work. I will post a longer update one of these days hopefully...if stuff slows down.

Well, ok. One last thing...this coming weekend is my work holiday party! I bought a sexy new dress and J. is coming as my date! Reason enough to think thin this week! I'm going to look slamming!

Stay Strong.

XO

Sar

***

Smile

Going back to work after a long holiday weekend is never easy, but today I am content knowing that instead of eating like a fat pig (like my family members), I was strong, disciplined and my hard work payed the fuck off...because I'm down another pound.

:-)

Have a good day. Think Thin.

XO

Sar

Barbie car pink nails

I have officially lost an inch around my waist. 29 inches baby. Is that too big for someone who is 5 foot 8? Inquiring minds would like to know..

I'll admit: I'm thin. I look alright. Right now I'm shaking from hunger and too much coffee. I guess I'll just continue to starve myself because it gets me high. I (obviously) enjoy escaping from reality.

It's Monday and a short work week, thankfully. It's going to be crazy. We have out of town relatives coming in and drama galore! I'm already mentally preparing for the sheer amount of food that will be available. I refuse to let Thanksgiving wreck my body. I'm disciplined. For the most part :)

Think thin, darling readers.

XO
Sar

Addiction / Restriction

Somehow my life has slid out of control. I don't recognize myself. I have become the worst part of me.

I am so unbelievably addicted to smoking weed. Just weed, most say...it's all good. But it's not good at all actually. I smoke when I wake up, before work. I smoke when I get out of work. I am subdued and moody in between these two daily sessions. I'm scared.

And I'm smoking right now. My habit is not cute and I'm scared that I'm always going to choose to be alone with my weed and eating disorder. When did it get this bad?

It's been building up for years. I woke up today with anxiety. I remembered that at one time I wanted to be a model. 6-7 years ago.  I even went to casting calls. With my mom. I had the clearest image in my mind this morning of my mom and I sitting in a waiting room in some fancy corporate setting, watching the movie they played, not knowing what to expect. What I didn't realize is that I was at a crossroads.

Around the same time, I met my ex and fell in "love". We moved in together and brought each other down...the experience completely depleted any plans of mine to do something great while I was still young and hot.

I'm recalling this and thinking about the choice I made and feeling...not regret, just a deep sadness and sorrow for what could have been. I could have been better, done better...but I chose to pursue a chance at love.

It didn't work though!  Moving in with him was most likely the biggest mistake I've made to date. And I'll always know why I did it. The real reason...I needed to get out.

It's something I'm still dealing with, because I'm back here, living.

Living at home is making me crazy. "Home". "Family". It all makes me sick and angry. I'm using drugs to cope. It's a vicious fucking cycle. And I'm scared to death that I'm trapped.

***

Unfortunately, the pot has kicked in and things don't seem so bad.

Hold the phone while I grab a cup of coffee.

Yum. So hot.

***

I've been restricting all week as much as possible, but last night I did eat a fast food bean and cheese burrito. I added vegetables, obviously, but according to their website, one of those babies is 420 calories. Fitting.

Needless to say, I feel bloated. I'll pop some midol and skip breakfast. We're ordering Chinese food at work today. I haven't had it in months and have a craving for my mixed vegetables and white rice.  It's not too crazy calorie-wise. At lunch I will only have a few bites, then put it in the fridge to take home later. It's bad, I'm aware. But so good.

My period was about 2 days long this month, and very light. I know this to be a sign of not enough food intake and calorie stores. My body hates me. I hate my body.

***

Think thin.

XO
Sar

***

<3

Peace

<3

Meow

Nothing kills your appetite like coming home to a cat that puked and pooped. On the floor and bed. Hope my little buddy is going to be alright. Luckily I wasn't hungry after all that.

Fragments

Hello love.

There's never enough words to describe life.

My legs hurt from crossing and uncrossing them.

My bony body is disturbing my sleep. My head is light; my eyes are blurred.

I'm waiting for my friend to come over, so we can smoke a blunt. At 1:45 in the morning.

I am already high. I couldn't wait. So I smoked a bowl.

I am actually doing alright.

Work was ok.

I'm restricting.

I'm dating.

I'm reading again.

I am reaching out to my mom.

We talked all weekend and visited my grandma.

I needed that, I needed to connect. I heard old stories that make me grateful for the present.

I am searching for another job, but I won't quit this one until something is set and sure.

There's so much to do. All the time. The list never ends.

One day at a time. One moment.

Breathe.

XO

Sar

Was it a nightmare?

I wasn't going to blog about it, but I think I need to. Let me back up. Happy Hump Day! Ugh that expression creeps me out every time I hear, say, or type it.

I am so incredibly emotional today. I've already starting crying twice - once after talking to my father and once after trying to talk to my brother - they both just completely brushed me aside with the abrupt rudeness they've been cultivating for years. The men in this house make me sick. All men do, actually. It's enough to go lesbian. Not really though. Instead, I'll continue to rely on myself.

So I'll get to the nitty gritty. Last night was not good. I restricted during the day, but after work I went to the store. I pathetically bought a bag of organic cheese puffs and a box of Velveeta mac and cheese. I came home and desperately ate the entire bag of cheese puffs. I didn't stop to breathe and barely chewed. I was starving and needed something. My tongue actually started burning towards the end. I finished the bag and felt so full...so gross...but I wanted more. After all, what I had really been craving was the mac and cheese. I decided to make it, even though I had just ingested 750 calories.

I turned the water on to boil, and quickly ate a small apple (for the "nutrients"). I made it, filled my bowl, and went to my room to scarf it down. Well I couldn't finish it. My stomach was hurting so bad and I was so unbelievably full. I lay down in the fetal position on my bed; my stomach gurgling; my thoughts racing. I decided to purge.

This was about one in the morning and I didn't want to wake anyone up. I grabbed my glass of water and headed to the bathroom. I turned on the fan and the shower, took a sip of water, bent over, and scratched my throat with one finger. My nails are long. I instantly puked, it came out so fast. All of it. I barely splashed the wall. It was all so quick, so easy. Too easy.

I wiped the toilet off, flushed twice, turned off the shower. Walked calmly back to my room, packed up a bowl of weed, and smoked. I was up later than usual but did not eat anymore. I still haven't ate. I had one cup of tea and currently drinking my first cup of black coffee. 

And now it's time to get ready for work. The idea of eating is grossing me out, so I probably won't. Fuck food. Seriously. I hate it. I hate how I feel about it. I hate what it does to me. I hate how I have no control. I hate hate hate it all.

I should be asking myself, why?. Why binge and purge? What emotion was I feeling? The sad thing is that I know the answer. I was in a good mood! I was feeling positive! But my desire to self-sabotage is just too strong. 

Oh, and I weighed myself this morning when I woke, and I'm down. Again. Am I smiling? No.

Think thin . Stay strong .

XO 

Sar

Good-ish news

Apparently, I've lost weight. My belt is on the last hole. My brand new size 6 jeans are too big.

Am I happy? No. I'm gross. When I look in the mirror I feel gross.

I cannot dwell on this. I need to keep shrinking.

I need to be thinner.

Who else [admits to] eating in parking lots?

Hi all. It's Friday! "A day like any other". I'm feeling good, mostly because yesterday I called in sick and declared it a "mental health day". Phuck yeah! I hung out, and drank tea, and took a nap. Then I wandered the mall. Didn't have much luck. My one and only purchase? Cute pink and black pajama pants that were on sale at Old Navy. Clothes just don't fit me right, I'm pretty sure I'm between sizes. Totally annoying place to be.

After the mall I was feeling considerably bad about myself, so I drove to a local grocery store. This was the turning point, the climax. Because I had been so good all week, so restrictive. I was seeing the pounds go down on the scale. I looked thin in clothing store mirrors, which barely happens. I needed a treat.

Would it turn into a binge?

I found a "Boston cream parfait" in the bakery. It was big, and filled with creamy deliciousness, cake pieces, chocolate ganache, whipped cream, even one maraschino cherry. I grabbed a plastic spoon from the cafe, used the self-checkout, and high-tailed it to my car, where I struggled to open the thing. Finally spoon hit dessert and then mouth and then happy joy time took over, a pink glow around me, my aura lit with pleasure, the back of my eyes seeing fireworks, the public parking lot around me was gone - I was alone, free, and easy.

For about 10 seconds.

And then guilt crept over me. Followed by panic, shame, and disgust.

But I kept eating. Eating eating until it was almost gone. I left about 10% in the container and put it in a bag to toss in my back seat, to be thrown away later. Just realized it's still in my car. Gone bad for sure. Probably smelly and stinky. My car needs to be cleaned out.

I'm feeling bad just remembering this, but I forgot that there is a happy ending! I am down a pound today. So I'll chalk last night's binge up as a metabolism boost and get on with my life.

Today:
hot tea, water, vitamin
3/4 of a banana
spoonful of peanut butter
whole wheat english muffin
some earth balance butter

**

I'm going to get ready for work. Have a good day!

By the way, I went on a date last night with J. (friend that confessed his feelings last week). It went really well :) We shall see where this goes. If it goes anywhere.

Think thin, lovelies!

Thanks for your comments on my Halloween costume picture. No one mentioned how fat I am though...

Think thin.

XO
Sar

Freaky scratched out faces

I know it's risky to show myself, but whatever - life's short. Scroll down to see me in my Halloween costume :)

Jeez Lousie, a LOT can happen in a week! Remember coworker J. who I was crushing on? Turns out he is a drug-addicted dud; I'm hoping he gets canned. Mean, I know. Never said I was nice.

On the happier hand, another J. (good guy friend) dropped the bomb and admitted that he "likes" me. He's older and just bought a house, so I'd be foolish to ignore this. Even though I told him straight up I wasn't looking for a relationship. He took it well and we're playing things by ear and seeing how it goes.

Enough about men, there will ALWAYS be men.

I need to get out of this depressed state. You are surely familiar with the "waves" of depression...I am riding low, real low lately. Smoking weed in the morning and at night, declining invites with people left and right, sabotaging myself by going to chill with an ex-boyfriend, ignoring my desire to organize. I have paperwork piled up on my desk. I have a floor that needs vacuuming. I have at least 2 loads of laundry that need to be done. 

I have plans to make and execute. I have a life that needs to be lived. So where the fuck is my head? There has been a noticeable difference in me since I stopped therapy and I'm ashamed of that. I'm mad that I can't beat this. But really...I'm not even trying. I'm floating. 

Nothing seems right. My life feels like a joke. I feel lost all the time, like seriously confused about who I am and where I'm supposed to be. I'm 25 and beyond unsettled, but I'm watching close friends get married. Have babies. Buy houses and brand new cars and large grills.

What the fuck am I doing?

Drinking coffee and smoking a bowl before work. Yesterday I ate many "fun-size" candy bars...fuck you Halloween!! Wish I was wearing a costume to work, but we're "not allowed".

Think thin - I haven't ate yet today and maybe I won't because I need to punish myself for yesterday's fantastic failure. 

Stay strong.

xo~Sar

P.s. Here's me (on the left) and my bff last weekend in our Halloween costumes:

Sorry for the freaky scratched out faces. 

If you happen to recognize me...hello and thanks for reading! 

*Happy Halloween*

The drama I create to entertain myself in this riot called Life

Somehow I made it through this ridiculous weekend. First of all, nothing went as planned. LOL. My life is such a joke at times...do I make it that way? Perhaps I do create drama for personal amusement. Not a great idea. Especially when people's feelings are involved.

Let me back up to Friday...I was leaving work early. I chose not to take a lunch and instead went outside to smoke with J. We had a nice talk, he shared some serious things with me about his marriage to his ex-wife and how he's doing now. I talked to him about C. It felt right to share such things, the moment was real.

I decided to get bold. As I was walking out past his desk, I slipped him my phone number on a scrap of paper.  We said bye and I headed out to my car.

I wanted to call C., because he had texted me saying he invited his cousin to the party we were going to. We had exchanged a few vague and sort of off-putting texts throughout my shift, and I figured I'd just call to clear stuff up. I was calm, cool, and collected.

It didn't last...he didn't answer the first time I called so I hit redial. He answered the second time and I could immediately decipher his tone as cold and angry. I was instantly thrown back and nervous. I tried to talk and he was quiet. Finally, he exploded...telling me how I am "argumentative" with a "short fuse" that "frightened him" and he felt "too scared to get involved with someone like me".

I was obviously defensive, but my heart knew what to do. I sat back, took a deep breath, and let him rail into me. He stopped for a split second and I spoke up. I basically said that he gets "scared easily" and not to worry about getting involved, because I didn't want to see or hear from him. Ever again.

I hung up the phone, walked into the store I had been sitting in front of, and bought a six-pack of beer. I was shaking and upset. I went to my friend's house and chugged two of those cold ones before driving us to see the band. It was a good show. The singer that I briefly mentioned last time was looking cute, and after their set, we had a tiny little chat. I feel like I can safely put him behind me, knowing that he's living in another state and what we had was just a one (or three) time thing. It was lust and that's it. Lust won't sustain a distance.

Remember how I gave J. my phone number? He had called me right after work so I figured I'd call him back and ask him to meet us for a drink elsewhere. He immediately agreed, and we decided to meet up.

I was drunk (and driving, yes I know) and bummed about C. I am not sure why I thought it was a good idea to meet up with J. under those conditions. But, when you're drinking you're doing silly stuff. We got there before him and I went to the ladies room to freshen up. Of course he came when I was in there, and I could hear him talking to my friend.

The night was weird. I was quiet. J. was flirting with my friend. I lost two games of pool, and a little respect for myself. I barely talked to J., and my friend is really bubbly, so he naturally was drawn to her.

We said goodbye in an uneventful way. I texted him when I got home, and also the next day, and never heard back from him. 

In two hours I will be at work and seeing him. I am nervous.

***

So the next day was Saturday, the big Halloween party that C. was supposed to come with. He obviously didn't, and I got real dressed up. Maybe I'll post a pic if you want to see one.

The party was awesome, but I ended up flirting with the host, a good friend; Jeff. The problem was that his newish girlfriend from another city was there. She's a LOT younger. It was my first time meeting her and her boyfriend was all over me. Awkward embarrassment and a lot of drunk conversations commenced.

I ended up getting a ride home from my brother, and Jeff texted me saying he needed to talk to me and could we meet up for a drink this week? I said yes.

Facebook says they're still together, so I definitely didn't ruin anything. But I feel bad. About the entire weekend, honestly. I was a hot mess both days, I pushed two guys away, and I quite possibly caused another couple some problems. I need to not hate myself but I really can't stop.

I'm sitting here alone - doing laundry, drinking coffee, feeling stoned. I have no idea what to expect from J. today at work, and I'm feeling fat because I ate and drank a lot this weekend. My nails are magenta and my stomach is in knots.

I'm just going to play it cool. I'm trying like hell to just stop caring. Wish me luck.

Stay Strong

~Sar

XO

Let the madness begin

My coffee's gone cold and I'm paralyzed in my chair. 

It's Friday, and I've got an event-packed weekend at my fingertips.

Tonight: Leave work three hours early. Get all dolled up. Go to see band at bar. Lead singer of band is J., a guy I messed around with six months ago. We haven't seen each other since and this is the first time in awhile that his band is playing here again. He is the one who got rough with me...my fantasy. I have a scar on my arm from our last night together. A literal scar. From being pushed into the wall or washing machine, who can remember?

Tomorrow: Big Halloween Party. C. is coming, even though I blew him off last weekend. I am wearing a slutty/sexy costume. It's tight and revealing, so I've been eating less the past few days. As for C.,  well, I don't know. I wish I didn't invite him but maybe we'll have a good time.

Boys boys boys! My days and nights are filled with them!

At work, J. and I have been talking more and more. We exchange fleeting longing stares. He is beyond sexy. It makes work kind of fun and reckless. This could go on for awhile.

***

Time to get ready. I only have to work for five hours today! The sooner I get there, the sooner I leave :) 

Think super-thin today. Say NO to dessert and second helpings. Not worth it.

Being thin and gorgeous will get you places, and as much as I'd like to deny that in favor of equal rights, I can't. 

It's a fact. Be thin. Think thin. Stay strong.

Be amazing.

***

XO

~Sar

Remorse

"I cheated myself, like I knew I would."

I relate to those words right now because I canceled on C....just texted him with some excuse.
His reaction surprised me. He said, Sarah... We'll have fun! Who knows, maybe you'll even be happy. C'mon, please?

I explained that I had of stuff to do and that I must get to it, hinting that I'm extremely busy working full time which is something he does NOT do. Which, honestly, if I'm being real, is unacceptable. If I'm going to work then any guy I date will have to work just as much. It's how I was raised, it's what I deem manly, it's the American way.

When asked about it last time we hung out, he said he did "landscaping", and he was very vague about it regarding hours, winter options, etc. Plus, he said that thing about us "hanging out for the sake of seeing each other" which I truly don't get.

I'm just falling and flailing for excuses for my behavior. I'm just a big fat scaredy cat who got her period today. It's a cold, blustery day and I don't want to drive 45 minutes to see someone who seemingly only wants to be friends. Fuck that.

Plus, after last night...I'm positive that my single heart is where it belongs. Here's why!

At work last night, J. and I had a few short talks and the chemistry was a-sizzlin! On break it was determined that we were both going out for drinks after work.

At the end of our shift standing by the time clock, in the 30 seconds we were waiting before punching out, he asked where I was going (like what bar). I told him and he said where's that and I tried to explain. Then I said (as we were walking out the door) that he should suggest it later to his friends and come by, because I'll be there and wouldn't that be cool? He said see you later and I said maybe.

I got in my car, and he got in his. I sped out of the parking lot, and he followed. I drove to the bar and parked, he pulled up next to me and got out; glasses off, big grin. It was weird, because I was planning to reapply my deodorant but couldn't exactly do that with him standing there.

So we went in and a bunch of my friends were there, I was expecting 2 or 3 but there were 8 or 9 people and I had to use the ATM! So J. stood at the bar and ordered a beer. After withdrawing funds, I squeezed in between 2 girlfriends and took a shot with them, and then ordered a beer. J. disappeared. Then I went to the bathroom. We lost each other but met outside for a cigarette.

I started talking to this guy, well, I was coerced into the conversation. J. was talking to my friend, who also works with us. Then we made a circle and talked about Halloween costumes. J. remembered my costume and we shared a smile. He answered his phone, put down his beer, and announced that he was leaving to pick up his drunk friends. We made eye contact, said bye, and that was it. He was gone.
'
Pretty weird, huh? It's definitely got me wondering, that's for sure! Why would he literally follow me from work and then only stay for one beer? And bounce? I guess I just assumed that he was staying for at least a half hour! That's why I took my time...getting money, having an (unelaborate) shot with 2 girlfriends, using the bathroom to freshen up. I suppose he was looking for me to start talking right away. Well, I'm not really like that. I like to enjoy the chase, tease a little. He was going straight in for the kill?

Men are confusing! So here I am, it's a wide-open Saturday all of a sudden. I have a list of stuff to do, yes...but it's not exactly pressing. I'd like to put together my costume for next week's Halloween party. I'd like to get a pair of boots!

And just like that, I feel extremely guilty and sick. C. just texted me and said he's still going and that he hopes I change my mind and come too. WTF. There's nothing I hate more than a guilt trip. I hate all of this actually...my fears, my betrayal towards C., my aloof self last night with J.

I'm pushing people away but I'm semi-ok with it because I truly cherish my free time. Though the cravings for love are strong, they do not overpower my mind's voice that tells me to be selfish.

Have a better day than me.

Think thin.

***

Amy Winehouse:

XO

~Sar~

Friday

Welcome to the weekend! I'm chillen before work with a coffee and a smoke. It's raining and the sky is gray. The grass is bright green with leaves scattered about. The trees have dark rough trunks and graceful golden red-tipped leaves.

My window is cracked and I can hear the rain. I can also hear Do you miss me Darling? by The Guess Who and the click click sound of my long natural nails tapping away at the keyboard. I just ate two gummy vitamins and the sweetness lingers in my mouth. I keep running my tongue over my teeth trying to make the taste go away. I don't want to taste sweet because then I crave sweet. More. Sweets.

It's sick. I bought a container of candy corn on Tuesday...BIG mistake. Why did I do this? Simple. I like candy corn, for the most part, it was cheap and I'm premenstrual so it happened. Impulse buy. I've been eating it all week. The good news is that it's not gone yet. This has less to do with my restraint and more to do with the amount of candy corn involved.

Ouch, my teeth hurt just thinking about that.

***

Tomorrow is the big date with C. We're both driving quite a distance to meet at the Botanical Gardens (He lives about an hour and a half away). This is an afternoon date but will it lead to anything? An evening beverage? Or will we just go home after? I think this is just another test for us though. I think we both felt this wave of longing for the other person after the last time we hung out because it was just that special. We both want to recreate that feeling. Or maybe that feeling was real and it'll just occur naturally.

I'm scared. I have this sinking suspicion that he is the one. The One. But that doesn't sense, really, because I always think guys are the one. I'm either being super predictable or I'm right! And isn't that the best part...the wondering/uncertainty?

On the other, more devilish hand, I have a crush on this guy J. at work. Yesterday something REALLY embarrassing happened! I was working on a computer with a coworker who has been training me and J. wandered over to watch (since he's fairly new as well). My trainer was asking questions fast, in a quizzical manner, and all I could do was try to appear poised in front of J. But I basically froze and couldn't think of the answer and could feel my face starting to blush. J. noticed and walked away...thankfully. I stumbled over my words, telling my trainer that I don't like being put on the spot. It was awkward.

Of course this happened pretty much as soon as I got there. So for the next four hours I avoided his eyes and kept to myself. Lunch cheered me up after a good conversation with a friend of mine. So it was flirty eye contact for the rest of the night. I don't know why I feel shy around him. Maybe because he's older. Maybe because we're at work. Maybe because my heart desires C. more.

So I'm sure you can relate to my conundrum. Two guys, one Sar!
Do I try to keep things going with C. or just keep it cool with him while enjoying my attraction to J.?

***

Thanks for reading, like always. It does my heart good to know that I'm sharing bits and pieces of my life with YOU!

STAY STRONG! & Skinny.

XO
~Sar~

Dream Lover

This week is flying by. Literally. Look, there it goes.

Like all the pink around here? I'm always considered myself a "girly-girl". I enjoy wearing dresses and skirts in the summer. I always wear jewelry and carry a purse. My style is "librarian chic" aka "trendsetting traditionalist". I love clothes, fashion, and makeup. It's all fun to me! Here's some pics of fit women in pretty outfits, to inspire you:

***

To work, I mostly wear cardigans in cheerful colors with tank tops and fitted jeans or when I'm feeling blue, black sweaters and dangly earrings three days in a row. I am the girl who sways her hips when she walks through the cafeteria, who smiles coolly and looks mad sometimes. I avoid eye contact with the office hotties...screw them, they can squirm. I do what I want, whenever I want, is what I said today, outside, smoking cigarettes with coworkers. With pride and a sense of superiority I haven't felt in awhile.

Things are ok. It's after one in the morning and I'm exhausted with a backache. I ate, unfortunately. At least I was hungry and not just stuffing my face because I'm sad. Which has certainly happened before and will probably happen again. Such is life with a fucked up mind.

Work is ok now that I've decided to start playing lovegames to pass the time. This dude J. is super hot and (5 years) older, but he has an "ex-wife" and a child. We haven't talked too much or really had a chance to sit down and get to know each other (how could we, at work?) and I feel something. I enjoy the thrilling eye chase. I look at him and then look away. He looks and I look back and past, at the clock or a person walking by. I feel his hot gaze on my cheek. I blush...and feel horny. A mid-work tryst is on my bucket list.

I'm also talking to C. still. We are hanging out again on Saturday...on a date type thing. We're going to the Botanical Gardens. I'm excited, this has been an ongoing flirtation for awhile with him. We actually met in College Town. He's interesting and good looking...we'll see how it goes though. We're just trying to hang out as friends with no romantic undertones. Apparently. Which works for me.

I've also been texting back and forth about random serious shit with P. My ex from forever ago/Prom Date. We literally didn't talk for 7 years and then met at the bar, friends again instantly.
I ain't a player I just crush a lot!

***

I'm. so fucking. full. Why did I eat tonight?
Hope you're all staying strong.
Think thin!

XO,
Sar

Vent

If I had a dollar for every one of my issues I'd be a rich woman. I think the combination of my ednos, being without therapy, working a job that drives me so crazy the stress manifests physically, living at home with my dysfunctional family, my overactive mind, my drug use, the genes passed down from my mentally unhealthy parents, the way thing are going in this country, the amount of money I'm making (which is considerably less than the U.S. "poverty" line), etc., is really starting to get to me.

How can I come out on top? And more importantly, why am I such a bitch?

My mood swings and lack of sleep contributed to my snarky mouth and foul attitude this weekend. My sister was visiting from out of state and whenever she comes my mother gets all competitive for her attention, and it makes me feel like shit.

I get that my sis is my mom's precious firstborn and I try to be understanding, but when I feel burned or done wrong, it's almost impossible to keep my mouth shut. So my mom and I were mad at each other all weekend and my sister is just not the same. Is that what marriage and having a one year old child does to people? Makes them lose all sense of self? If so, then I'm happy as fuck to be single with no chance of getting knocked up any time soon.

This is my 400th post on Blogger. Damn. That makes me feel...well, nothing really. I'm numb and I'm really starting to forget how to live.

My mom just knocked on my bedroom door and told me I got a bill from my skipped sessions with my therapist. (How ironic, I was just thinking about that). I said, "ok" so she slipped it under my door, with no other words exchanged.

I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed, laptop in front of me, and out of the corner of my eye I can see the white envelope. Maybe I'll just throw it away without looking at it. Maybe I'll look at it and pay it. What I really want is for my parents to pay for it, but how can I ask for favors now?

They probably hate me. I would hate me, if I was them. I am the Daughter From Hell. The one they most likely wish miscarried. What a terrible thought to think and yet I wouldn't be surprised.

I did 4 loads of laundry today. I vacuumed. <-- Every time I type that it looks wrong. What a weird word. Anyway. I ate a lot, and right now I have terrible heartburn. Fun fact, I never had heartburn until I started purging 2 years ago. I'm so sick of food. I'm tired of being responsible for what I eat. I'm done, just fucking done.

Think thin, people.

***

***

Also, any life advice? I'm a bitter, cynical 25 year old child. How can I be happy with myself? How can I stop pushing people away? How can I stop speaking my mind and letting the cold hard truth drip hatefully off my tongue without any sense of remorse or regret? How can I be ok with things as they are? How can I smile without any trace of fake? How can I laugh at jokes, instead of taking them seriously and ruining everything?

Thanks.

XO

~Sar~