Freaky scratched out faces

I know it's risky to show myself, but whatever - life's short. Scroll down to see me in my Halloween costume :)

Jeez Lousie, a LOT can happen in a week! Remember coworker J. who I was crushing on? Turns out he is a drug-addicted dud; I'm hoping he gets canned. Mean, I know. Never said I was nice.

On the happier hand, another J. (good guy friend) dropped the bomb and admitted that he "likes" me. He's older and just bought a house, so I'd be foolish to ignore this. Even though I told him straight up I wasn't looking for a relationship. He took it well and we're playing things by ear and seeing how it goes.

Enough about men, there will ALWAYS be men.

I need to get out of this depressed state. You are surely familiar with the "waves" of depression...I am riding low, real low lately. Smoking weed in the morning and at night, declining invites with people left and right, sabotaging myself by going to chill with an ex-boyfriend, ignoring my desire to organize. I have paperwork piled up on my desk. I have a floor that needs vacuuming. I have at least 2 loads of laundry that need to be done. 

I have plans to make and execute. I have a life that needs to be lived. So where the fuck is my head? There has been a noticeable difference in me since I stopped therapy and I'm ashamed of that. I'm mad that I can't beat this. But really...I'm not even trying. I'm floating. 

Nothing seems right. My life feels like a joke. I feel lost all the time, like seriously confused about who I am and where I'm supposed to be. I'm 25 and beyond unsettled, but I'm watching close friends get married. Have babies. Buy houses and brand new cars and large grills.

What the fuck am I doing?

Drinking coffee and smoking a bowl before work. Yesterday I ate many "fun-size" candy bars...fuck you Halloween!! Wish I was wearing a costume to work, but we're "not allowed".

Think thin - I haven't ate yet today and maybe I won't because I need to punish myself for yesterday's fantastic failure. 

Stay strong.

xo~Sar

P.s. Here's me (on the left) and my bff last weekend in our Halloween costumes:

Sorry for the freaky scratched out faces. 

If you happen to recognize me...hello and thanks for reading! 

*Happy Halloween*

The drama I create to entertain myself in this riot called Life

Somehow I made it through this ridiculous weekend. First of all, nothing went as planned. LOL. My life is such a joke at times...do I make it that way? Perhaps I do create drama for personal amusement. Not a great idea. Especially when people's feelings are involved.

Let me back up to Friday...I was leaving work early. I chose not to take a lunch and instead went outside to smoke with J. We had a nice talk, he shared some serious things with me about his marriage to his ex-wife and how he's doing now. I talked to him about C. It felt right to share such things, the moment was real.

I decided to get bold. As I was walking out past his desk, I slipped him my phone number on a scrap of paper.  We said bye and I headed out to my car.

I wanted to call C., because he had texted me saying he invited his cousin to the party we were going to. We had exchanged a few vague and sort of off-putting texts throughout my shift, and I figured I'd just call to clear stuff up. I was calm, cool, and collected.

It didn't last...he didn't answer the first time I called so I hit redial. He answered the second time and I could immediately decipher his tone as cold and angry. I was instantly thrown back and nervous. I tried to talk and he was quiet. Finally, he exploded...telling me how I am "argumentative" with a "short fuse" that "frightened him" and he felt "too scared to get involved with someone like me".

I was obviously defensive, but my heart knew what to do. I sat back, took a deep breath, and let him rail into me. He stopped for a split second and I spoke up. I basically said that he gets "scared easily" and not to worry about getting involved, because I didn't want to see or hear from him. Ever again.

I hung up the phone, walked into the store I had been sitting in front of, and bought a six-pack of beer. I was shaking and upset. I went to my friend's house and chugged two of those cold ones before driving us to see the band. It was a good show. The singer that I briefly mentioned last time was looking cute, and after their set, we had a tiny little chat. I feel like I can safely put him behind me, knowing that he's living in another state and what we had was just a one (or three) time thing. It was lust and that's it. Lust won't sustain a distance.

Remember how I gave J. my phone number? He had called me right after work so I figured I'd call him back and ask him to meet us for a drink elsewhere. He immediately agreed, and we decided to meet up.

I was drunk (and driving, yes I know) and bummed about C. I am not sure why I thought it was a good idea to meet up with J. under those conditions. But, when you're drinking you're doing silly stuff. We got there before him and I went to the ladies room to freshen up. Of course he came when I was in there, and I could hear him talking to my friend.

The night was weird. I was quiet. J. was flirting with my friend. I lost two games of pool, and a little respect for myself. I barely talked to J., and my friend is really bubbly, so he naturally was drawn to her.

We said goodbye in an uneventful way. I texted him when I got home, and also the next day, and never heard back from him. 

In two hours I will be at work and seeing him. I am nervous.

***

So the next day was Saturday, the big Halloween party that C. was supposed to come with. He obviously didn't, and I got real dressed up. Maybe I'll post a pic if you want to see one.

The party was awesome, but I ended up flirting with the host, a good friend; Jeff. The problem was that his newish girlfriend from another city was there. She's a LOT younger. It was my first time meeting her and her boyfriend was all over me. Awkward embarrassment and a lot of drunk conversations commenced.

I ended up getting a ride home from my brother, and Jeff texted me saying he needed to talk to me and could we meet up for a drink this week? I said yes.

Facebook says they're still together, so I definitely didn't ruin anything. But I feel bad. About the entire weekend, honestly. I was a hot mess both days, I pushed two guys away, and I quite possibly caused another couple some problems. I need to not hate myself but I really can't stop.

I'm sitting here alone - doing laundry, drinking coffee, feeling stoned. I have no idea what to expect from J. today at work, and I'm feeling fat because I ate and drank a lot this weekend. My nails are magenta and my stomach is in knots.

I'm just going to play it cool. I'm trying like hell to just stop caring. Wish me luck.

Stay Strong

~Sar

XO

Let the madness begin

My coffee's gone cold and I'm paralyzed in my chair. 

It's Friday, and I've got an event-packed weekend at my fingertips.

Tonight: Leave work three hours early. Get all dolled up. Go to see band at bar. Lead singer of band is J., a guy I messed around with six months ago. We haven't seen each other since and this is the first time in awhile that his band is playing here again. He is the one who got rough with me...my fantasy. I have a scar on my arm from our last night together. A literal scar. From being pushed into the wall or washing machine, who can remember?

Tomorrow: Big Halloween Party. C. is coming, even though I blew him off last weekend. I am wearing a slutty/sexy costume. It's tight and revealing, so I've been eating less the past few days. As for C.,  well, I don't know. I wish I didn't invite him but maybe we'll have a good time.

Boys boys boys! My days and nights are filled with them!

At work, J. and I have been talking more and more. We exchange fleeting longing stares. He is beyond sexy. It makes work kind of fun and reckless. This could go on for awhile.

***

Time to get ready. I only have to work for five hours today! The sooner I get there, the sooner I leave :) 

Think super-thin today. Say NO to dessert and second helpings. Not worth it.

Being thin and gorgeous will get you places, and as much as I'd like to deny that in favor of equal rights, I can't. 

It's a fact. Be thin. Think thin. Stay strong.

Be amazing.

***

XO

~Sar

Remorse

"I cheated myself, like I knew I would."

I relate to those words right now because I canceled on C....just texted him with some excuse.
His reaction surprised me. He said, Sarah... We'll have fun! Who knows, maybe you'll even be happy. C'mon, please?

I explained that I had of stuff to do and that I must get to it, hinting that I'm extremely busy working full time which is something he does NOT do. Which, honestly, if I'm being real, is unacceptable. If I'm going to work then any guy I date will have to work just as much. It's how I was raised, it's what I deem manly, it's the American way.

When asked about it last time we hung out, he said he did "landscaping", and he was very vague about it regarding hours, winter options, etc. Plus, he said that thing about us "hanging out for the sake of seeing each other" which I truly don't get.

I'm just falling and flailing for excuses for my behavior. I'm just a big fat scaredy cat who got her period today. It's a cold, blustery day and I don't want to drive 45 minutes to see someone who seemingly only wants to be friends. Fuck that.

Plus, after last night...I'm positive that my single heart is where it belongs. Here's why!

At work last night, J. and I had a few short talks and the chemistry was a-sizzlin! On break it was determined that we were both going out for drinks after work.

At the end of our shift standing by the time clock, in the 30 seconds we were waiting before punching out, he asked where I was going (like what bar). I told him and he said where's that and I tried to explain. Then I said (as we were walking out the door) that he should suggest it later to his friends and come by, because I'll be there and wouldn't that be cool? He said see you later and I said maybe.

I got in my car, and he got in his. I sped out of the parking lot, and he followed. I drove to the bar and parked, he pulled up next to me and got out; glasses off, big grin. It was weird, because I was planning to reapply my deodorant but couldn't exactly do that with him standing there.

So we went in and a bunch of my friends were there, I was expecting 2 or 3 but there were 8 or 9 people and I had to use the ATM! So J. stood at the bar and ordered a beer. After withdrawing funds, I squeezed in between 2 girlfriends and took a shot with them, and then ordered a beer. J. disappeared. Then I went to the bathroom. We lost each other but met outside for a cigarette.

I started talking to this guy, well, I was coerced into the conversation. J. was talking to my friend, who also works with us. Then we made a circle and talked about Halloween costumes. J. remembered my costume and we shared a smile. He answered his phone, put down his beer, and announced that he was leaving to pick up his drunk friends. We made eye contact, said bye, and that was it. He was gone.
'
Pretty weird, huh? It's definitely got me wondering, that's for sure! Why would he literally follow me from work and then only stay for one beer? And bounce? I guess I just assumed that he was staying for at least a half hour! That's why I took my time...getting money, having an (unelaborate) shot with 2 girlfriends, using the bathroom to freshen up. I suppose he was looking for me to start talking right away. Well, I'm not really like that. I like to enjoy the chase, tease a little. He was going straight in for the kill?

Men are confusing! So here I am, it's a wide-open Saturday all of a sudden. I have a list of stuff to do, yes...but it's not exactly pressing. I'd like to put together my costume for next week's Halloween party. I'd like to get a pair of boots!

And just like that, I feel extremely guilty and sick. C. just texted me and said he's still going and that he hopes I change my mind and come too. WTF. There's nothing I hate more than a guilt trip. I hate all of this actually...my fears, my betrayal towards C., my aloof self last night with J.

I'm pushing people away but I'm semi-ok with it because I truly cherish my free time. Though the cravings for love are strong, they do not overpower my mind's voice that tells me to be selfish.

Have a better day than me.

Think thin.

***

Amy Winehouse:

XO

~Sar~

Friday

Welcome to the weekend! I'm chillen before work with a coffee and a smoke. It's raining and the sky is gray. The grass is bright green with leaves scattered about. The trees have dark rough trunks and graceful golden red-tipped leaves.

My window is cracked and I can hear the rain. I can also hear Do you miss me Darling? by The Guess Who and the click click sound of my long natural nails tapping away at the keyboard. I just ate two gummy vitamins and the sweetness lingers in my mouth. I keep running my tongue over my teeth trying to make the taste go away. I don't want to taste sweet because then I crave sweet. More. Sweets.

It's sick. I bought a container of candy corn on Tuesday...BIG mistake. Why did I do this? Simple. I like candy corn, for the most part, it was cheap and I'm premenstrual so it happened. Impulse buy. I've been eating it all week. The good news is that it's not gone yet. This has less to do with my restraint and more to do with the amount of candy corn involved.

Ouch, my teeth hurt just thinking about that.

***

Tomorrow is the big date with C. We're both driving quite a distance to meet at the Botanical Gardens (He lives about an hour and a half away). This is an afternoon date but will it lead to anything? An evening beverage? Or will we just go home after? I think this is just another test for us though. I think we both felt this wave of longing for the other person after the last time we hung out because it was just that special. We both want to recreate that feeling. Or maybe that feeling was real and it'll just occur naturally.

I'm scared. I have this sinking suspicion that he is the one. The One. But that doesn't sense, really, because I always think guys are the one. I'm either being super predictable or I'm right! And isn't that the best part...the wondering/uncertainty?

On the other, more devilish hand, I have a crush on this guy J. at work. Yesterday something REALLY embarrassing happened! I was working on a computer with a coworker who has been training me and J. wandered over to watch (since he's fairly new as well). My trainer was asking questions fast, in a quizzical manner, and all I could do was try to appear poised in front of J. But I basically froze and couldn't think of the answer and could feel my face starting to blush. J. noticed and walked away...thankfully. I stumbled over my words, telling my trainer that I don't like being put on the spot. It was awkward.

Of course this happened pretty much as soon as I got there. So for the next four hours I avoided his eyes and kept to myself. Lunch cheered me up after a good conversation with a friend of mine. So it was flirty eye contact for the rest of the night. I don't know why I feel shy around him. Maybe because he's older. Maybe because we're at work. Maybe because my heart desires C. more.

So I'm sure you can relate to my conundrum. Two guys, one Sar!
Do I try to keep things going with C. or just keep it cool with him while enjoying my attraction to J.?

***

Thanks for reading, like always. It does my heart good to know that I'm sharing bits and pieces of my life with YOU!

STAY STRONG! & Skinny.

XO
~Sar~

Dream Lover

This week is flying by. Literally. Look, there it goes.

Like all the pink around here? I'm always considered myself a "girly-girl". I enjoy wearing dresses and skirts in the summer. I always wear jewelry and carry a purse. My style is "librarian chic" aka "trendsetting traditionalist". I love clothes, fashion, and makeup. It's all fun to me! Here's some pics of fit women in pretty outfits, to inspire you:

***

To work, I mostly wear cardigans in cheerful colors with tank tops and fitted jeans or when I'm feeling blue, black sweaters and dangly earrings three days in a row. I am the girl who sways her hips when she walks through the cafeteria, who smiles coolly and looks mad sometimes. I avoid eye contact with the office hotties...screw them, they can squirm. I do what I want, whenever I want, is what I said today, outside, smoking cigarettes with coworkers. With pride and a sense of superiority I haven't felt in awhile.

Things are ok. It's after one in the morning and I'm exhausted with a backache. I ate, unfortunately. At least I was hungry and not just stuffing my face because I'm sad. Which has certainly happened before and will probably happen again. Such is life with a fucked up mind.

Work is ok now that I've decided to start playing lovegames to pass the time. This dude J. is super hot and (5 years) older, but he has an "ex-wife" and a child. We haven't talked too much or really had a chance to sit down and get to know each other (how could we, at work?) and I feel something. I enjoy the thrilling eye chase. I look at him and then look away. He looks and I look back and past, at the clock or a person walking by. I feel his hot gaze on my cheek. I blush...and feel horny. A mid-work tryst is on my bucket list.

I'm also talking to C. still. We are hanging out again on Saturday...on a date type thing. We're going to the Botanical Gardens. I'm excited, this has been an ongoing flirtation for awhile with him. We actually met in College Town. He's interesting and good looking...we'll see how it goes though. We're just trying to hang out as friends with no romantic undertones. Apparently. Which works for me.

I've also been texting back and forth about random serious shit with P. My ex from forever ago/Prom Date. We literally didn't talk for 7 years and then met at the bar, friends again instantly.
I ain't a player I just crush a lot!

***

I'm. so fucking. full. Why did I eat tonight?
Hope you're all staying strong.
Think thin!

XO,
Sar

Vent

If I had a dollar for every one of my issues I'd be a rich woman. I think the combination of my ednos, being without therapy, working a job that drives me so crazy the stress manifests physically, living at home with my dysfunctional family, my overactive mind, my drug use, the genes passed down from my mentally unhealthy parents, the way thing are going in this country, the amount of money I'm making (which is considerably less than the U.S. "poverty" line), etc., is really starting to get to me.

How can I come out on top? And more importantly, why am I such a bitch?

My mood swings and lack of sleep contributed to my snarky mouth and foul attitude this weekend. My sister was visiting from out of state and whenever she comes my mother gets all competitive for her attention, and it makes me feel like shit.

I get that my sis is my mom's precious firstborn and I try to be understanding, but when I feel burned or done wrong, it's almost impossible to keep my mouth shut. So my mom and I were mad at each other all weekend and my sister is just not the same. Is that what marriage and having a one year old child does to people? Makes them lose all sense of self? If so, then I'm happy as fuck to be single with no chance of getting knocked up any time soon.

This is my 400th post on Blogger. Damn. That makes me feel...well, nothing really. I'm numb and I'm really starting to forget how to live.

My mom just knocked on my bedroom door and told me I got a bill from my skipped sessions with my therapist. (How ironic, I was just thinking about that). I said, "ok" so she slipped it under my door, with no other words exchanged.

I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed, laptop in front of me, and out of the corner of my eye I can see the white envelope. Maybe I'll just throw it away without looking at it. Maybe I'll look at it and pay it. What I really want is for my parents to pay for it, but how can I ask for favors now?

They probably hate me. I would hate me, if I was them. I am the Daughter From Hell. The one they most likely wish miscarried. What a terrible thought to think and yet I wouldn't be surprised.

I did 4 loads of laundry today. I vacuumed. <-- Every time I type that it looks wrong. What a weird word. Anyway. I ate a lot, and right now I have terrible heartburn. Fun fact, I never had heartburn until I started purging 2 years ago. I'm so sick of food. I'm tired of being responsible for what I eat. I'm done, just fucking done.

Think thin, people.

***

***

Also, any life advice? I'm a bitter, cynical 25 year old child. How can I be happy with myself? How can I stop pushing people away? How can I stop speaking my mind and letting the cold hard truth drip hatefully off my tongue without any sense of remorse or regret? How can I be ok with things as they are? How can I smile without any trace of fake? How can I laugh at jokes, instead of taking them seriously and ruining everything?

Thanks.

XO

~Sar~

This is the Title

Happy October! (I know I'm a little late). This is probably my favorite month of the year because I love Halloween! Anyone already have their costume planned? I do! I plan to be "Mia" from Pulp Fiction (before the overdose)! I just love wigs!

A lot is going on in the world! You've all heard of the Wall Street Protests, I'm sure? I SUPPORT THEM! This country is fucked up...We could use a little change! Starting with the banishment of corporate monetary influence on politics! I will definitely be accompanying my "local Occupy Movement" and I suggest you do the same.

But I'm not here to preach to you. I'm doing my usual smoke and coffee before work. I'm also cleaning my room and washing my sheets because tonight my sister is flying in (and taking over my room)! Lucky me is vanquished to the tiny upstairs bedroom. Oh well, I'm looking at it like a little vacation. It's good for me to change up my routine a bit.

Just took a second to quickly pay a bill. I would complain about it, normally. However I'm actually making money. Not tons but enough to pay my bills. Unrelated but does anyone remember that Destiny's Child song: "Bills, bills, bills"? I think I still know all the words!

I am feeling somewhat positive today. Here's why: I am excited to see my sis. I am happy that I was able to save enough vacation time at work to take tomorrow completely off. And still get paid for it. Just eight hours to weekend freedom! I am getting used to my recently dyed hair...also some of the color faded a tiny bit, revealing auburn undertones. There is a new(ish) cute guy at work who I sometimes check out and it makes work more fun. Just slightly so but still.

As for my weight, well, it's definitely fluctuating. The other day I stepped on the scale and saw a very high number. I panicked, and proceeded to stuff my face. You'd think my reaction would be the opposite. Since then I've been eating less and smoking cigarettes again and the number is creeping back down. It's sad that smoking really does replace food and keep my weight on the decreasing side of the spectrum. Such is life, I suppose.

My brain and deep consciousness are constantly engaged,
I'm figuring shit out, and
reflecting, ruminating.
I'm thinking thinking thinking.
Planning not so much.
Baby steps, right?

I'm bummed to admit that moving out and living on my own means more to me than going back to school for my Master's degree.

This is huge.

But maybe...it's not that big.

Maybe it's just me, I'M ME.

Nobody else can make up my mind, nothing else can defer my dreams. And I long to feel like a responsible adult keeping up an apartment like a champ. I'm thinking January. A fresh start for a new year.

Time to finish cleaning and then get ready for work. I haven't ate yet, maybe I won't. Have I mentioned my fat thighs lately? It seems like fat collects there more than anywhere on my body. Why is this??

Think thin, lovely readers. Thanks for being here. Peace on Earth.

***

***

XO

Sar