Belly

Going out drinking two days in a row is a good way to get a beer belly. Even if you starve yourself before drinking, the beer sticks to your stomach and inflates it disgustingly. I hate beer but I'm drinking one now to pregame. Going to a show with Jake. We've been talking every day. Should be an interesting night.

Cheers!
xo - Sar

Ever been to Oslo?

I'm feeling quite thin today. It had to be noted. See Sar, you are not a fat failure all the time! The only good thing about stress is lack of appetite. I literally cannot binge when I'm stressed. It's just not fun.

Yesterday: bagel (breakfast), salad (lunch), wine (dinner).
Today: tortilla (90 cal) and carrots w/hummus (90 cal). This was brunch.

Plus coffee, obviously.

I don't feel hunger, just hipbones.

OH! I tried on my bikini yesterday for the hell of it. It's an old one, I've had it for about three years, but it's still cute and not faded or anything. Anywho it looked pretty damn good on me. I must say, for a 27 year old. I will not be embarrassed on the beach or by the pool, I will be confident. Righteous!

I'm going to finish a couple of chores. get ready, gas up the vehicle, and hit the road for my day drive. It's a nice sunny day and I'm feeling alright with the world. Later!

-Sar

Shine bright like a diamond

Yesterday I wrote a poem for the first time in months. I'm not going to share it here but I just reread it and think it's pretty good.

Today is alright, better than most. I slept decent. The sun is out. I took myself to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast (had a gift card to use) and it was tasty. "Stole" a bunch of napkins (because I'm poor). Returned a sweater to Target because I didn't really like it and needed the money back in my account. Bumped into my two girlfriends at the store which was cool.

Now I'm finishing my coffee and about to shower. Work tonight. Off work completely Sunday and Monday which is groovy. I plan to take a little drive and clear my thoughts, possibly down to my old college town (about an hour away). I need it! My mind is muddled. My mind's eye is blurry. My mind's voice is lost in translation.

I sometimes shake my head, as if to clear it, but the numb murkiness remains. So the plan is to drive, completely sober, and let my thoughts wander. I need to figure out a job plan. I truly believe that I will not find something I like until I know what exactly it is that I'm looking for. Sounds cliche but it's true for me right now.

I'll probably stop at the waterfront. Scratch that, I WILL stop at the waterfront. I love water. I love lakes. I love the peace I feel being near nature. The sound of the waves and wind. The sand and driftwood. The sun!

Have a great rest of your weekend =)
Love, Sar

Get real

I've been on a depressive low. Had an interview yesterday set up through the temp agency which I bombed. My facial skin is still itching like crazy. Not sure if it's nerves or something more. Too scared to find out for certain. I didn't eat at all yesterday and then went out drinking. I ordered two vodka shots right off the bat and a beer. Downed it all asap. Ordered another beer. It was a nice buzz. But then I came home and ate.

I had a salad (90), french fries (500), a granola bar (180), fruit snacks (70), chips (200) and dip (150). Like a fat ass.

Which brings me to today. It's early, I'm pmsing, and I need to get to work. Still only working part time and money worries loom over me and weigh upon my neck. I'm drinking my coffee black again to save calories and money on cream. I feel so fat you guys but I just can't tell if I am or not. It SUCKs.

I know realistically that this is the most I've ever weighed. I can wear all of my size 6 jeans but I'd prefer them to be looser. The best part of this time of year is skirts and dresses, which make me feel pretty (usually). I haven't been exercising much. The poor person diet shall suffice for now.

I go back and forth with wanting to buy a scale constantly. I just can't do that to myself though. It's unnecessary torture.

No action lately, not since M. tried to kiss me two weeks ago or so. Haven't heard from him since.

Every time C. and I talk we fight so we decided yesterday we are no longer friends. He cried. I thought about death.

My other neighbor Jake has been coming around a lot. He's younger but he's alright. Who knows.

Other than that, I'm as single as ever. Which is fine actually. There's a lot of eye candy out there and I cannot be tied down. I don't want to be tied down.

I guess that's enough for today. Peace.

--Sarah

Weird though

I haven't had anything to eat in twenty five hours. The weird thing is, I felt really fat last night. I tried on a million outfits, staring each time at my stomach and deciding I look unacceptable.

I've been good lately...no sweets, no binging. But I look at my stomach and just see layers of fat. It's confusing and stressful. I know my stomach is empty but that's not good enough. I want it to *look* empty.

But I must be doing something right... I went out last night with a guy "friend" Jake (are they ever really friends?) who kindly paid for my cover admission and drinks at a show (thank god because I'm broke). M. was there. His band played an acoustic set, which rocked, and there were two other really great bands!!! My fav.

It was super hot. I was wearing a tank top and a skirt and sandals. Everyone was sweating and dancing and drinking fast to cool down.

After the set, I drunkenly asked M. to come over and blaze. He called me as we were walking home. Jake is actually my neighbor. We live a few blocks from the bar. I answered the phone and M. was like, "I'm here". Jake and I were about twenty feet away at that point. The three of us had an awkward conversation where I invited Jake to join and he said no and then M. and I went inside without a look back.

We smoked, we talked, we laughed. I was wasted and stoned and avoiding emotional topics, which M. *will* get into. He tried to kiss me I looked away. He tried again and I kissed him back. I mean, guys, he's fucking hot. He's in a band. We all know I have a weakness for boys in bands.

It was great for a minute, and then I got the spins. I pushed him away and said some dumb thing about how I wasn't sure about it. I couldn't even tell the truth, which was that I was way too messed up to hook up. I'm embarrassed to admit it even to myself.

Next thing I know we are "going to bed". Him on the couch. At this point I obnoxiously went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and everything else that I like to do before bed while blatantly ignoring him. I got in bed, alone, wanting to go to him, wanting him to come to me, but then I passed out.

I woke to the sound of him going to the bathroom. I pretended to be asleep. I heard the jingle of his keys off the table and the door open and shut and he was gone. Not a word said to me.

I waited a little bit while trying to fall back asleep and then called him! Lol. He didn't answer. Then he sent me a text saying he wanted to be in his own bed, thanks for the couch. Perfectly understandable.

Weird though.

xo
Sar

Hang on to your ego

I feel like I'm never warm. My hands get so cold they start to hurt. I've been curling up into a little ball while I sleep at night only to wake to a stiff spine. I long for strong arms wrapped around me.

I'm off today. No school for the kids means no work for me. It's 1PM and I'm sitting here in my pajamas sipping tea. I have been struggling the past few days with stress. I told my therapist I wouldn't buy weed (well I said that I'd try) and on Sunday I gave in. It was a significantly less amount than usual. Really it's just a little taste to hold me over until...today? Just ran out.

A familiar panic sets in. Smoking is the most complicated relationship I have right now, the biggest time suck currently, my lover and my master. I love it. I love the smell, the taste, the buzz. And I hate it. I hate how it holds me back, how I hate myself for giving in to it, how much money I've spent on it over the years. 

It is my crucifix. I carry it everywhere and prop it up when I'm ready to stop and die a little. 

Oh, and it's not just the grass. Drinking has become a bit of an issue as well. Mostly because I don't know how or when to stop and end up blitzed, saying shit the very next day I wish I didn't. It sucks. 

Last Saturday I went to a sweet show, I love live music. I was drinking, of course, and then J. showed up. J. is a friend of a friend. We have met once before and kinda swing in the same circle. We had also been doing some friendly facebook messaging. 

I was already drunk when he got there. I was also high. I was in another world, living in another time. Anyway, he shows up and I say hi and run outside. I mean, run. I lit up a cigarette and talked to a self-proclaimed "reiki-master" who told me I have nothing to fear but fear itself - a cliche I hate.

I appreciated the alternate perspective though, so I went back in to talk to him. We flirted a bit, had some fun with our group and then it gets to be closing time and hey why not? let's head back to my place! It wasn't just us two. Two other friends came as well. And it was fun. Except...I was drunk. I said some stupid shit. I'm embarrassed.

I have not heard from J. since. Well, he "liked" a picture of my cat I posted on facebook on Sunday and that's it! No more messages. I messaged him Sat. night after everyone left saying thanks for the ride but nothing back. He doesn't have my phone number...didn't ask for it or anything. I mean, he could obviously get it very easily from anyone if he reallyy wanted to.

I am disheartened. I thought we were clicking. I haven't given up all hope but it's already almost 3 days later. Unless he's playing some serious game I sort of have to take the silence as disinterest. #bummed

My thoughts torment me, telling me it's my fault. It's always my fault. 

xo

S

Better

Beautiful

Well you guys. I'm doing it. I've had this blog for about six years. I've read my poetry at open mic nights. Writing is my release. At the urging of my therapist, I've placed ads on this blog. Yes, I sold out.

So effing click on them why don't you? ;) Just playing, loves. Don't click. Screw the man!

In other news, it's Friday night and I'm home alone. I walked to the store to buy a can of cat food and grabbed a beer. I sat on my stoop and drank my bud lite and smoked mad cigarettes and texted so many people. And now I'm inside, upstairs. In an hour my friend Jessup is coming over to blaze. I'm out, so I'm excited.

Love life? What love life! Kidding again, there are a few dudes I could have sex with, if need be. The need hasn't quite been there but that's ok. It's all about having the option.

Things with C. are tumultuous as always. He is supposed to be my best (guy) friend but our (mostly my) emotions get the best of us. Every. Time. It's actually a mess right now. Our "friendship" hangs precariously on the line. I am attempting to smooth shit out but I have a temper, ya know?

Which reminds me!! Thanks for the nice words about my pic. I know it's not exactly close up but it's me! xo

I met with the temp agency today. I'll be starting a part time gig next wednesday. It's not much, but it'll help pay the bills right now while I finish my contract at the school. The temp lady loved me, she's going to be looking for full time work as well for me, which would be fantastic. As long as I like it!

And we all know...I'm picky!

Have a great weekend, peeps! Thanks for reading my humble little blog. Think thin ;)

I have no green which means no munchies which means me being thinner than I was yesterday. It's a decent feeling. Especially with summer coming up. Are you ready to bare it all in a bikini? Me neither, let's work it!!!!!!!!!!


LOVE,
Sar

PS. Happy May!!!!!!!! Can't wait for some warm weather holy crap.