Listening to Rockdale

Friday! It is beautiful out, the first real warm sunny spring day, and I am loving it! I've been wearing a smile most of the day because of it. I thrive in the warmth. 

It's been a hell of a week though. (Aren't they all?). I've had issues with the HR department at work. In a word, they are incompetent. Which is a shame really, because the rest of my job is good. I've dealt with a lot, most recently a late W2 and receiving an incorrect 1099-SA due to their mistaken excess contributions from last year. In both instances, I was the one who caught it and initiated correction. HR made excuses and delayed things unnecessarily. It all boiled over on Wednesday, because I was still waiting for the amended tax form, and the deadline was approaching. I was panicking and emailed them asking for confirmation they'd pay any penalty fees due to their error and this enormous disruption. I also asked if they would advise that I request an extension. A couple calls and hours of my life later, it was resolved.

It was a huge weight lifted off me. I had been feeling so alone and frustrated. I've been in a prolonged depressive episode, and the lows "peak" during times of bullshit.

It's over though. I'm ok. The whole reason I even came here is to make a list:

Brunch with Aunt C tomorrow

New couch coming next week

Baby shower gift for K by end of month

Birthday gift for K by end of month

Buy a bigger suitcase (Macys?) asap

Dress for wedding by end of next month

Vacuum upstairs & down

Laundry (clothes & sheets)

Clean bathroom & bedroom

Color hair (before trip)

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Ugh, that's a lot. It's because I did nothing earlier in the week except obsess over the tax situation and try to stay afloat at my job. Each night I binge watched below deck. However, Wednesday night, we went to the gym, and last night, we took a walk. As I mentioned, me and my man are trying to incorporate movement into our routine. I'm not really trying to lose weight, I'm semi comfortable with my weight which varies between 131-133. I just really want to tone up. I am thin but soft. I look ok naked but I could look better. I'd be cool with a constant 130 and a firmer body. Might as well be hot if I can. 

Quite frankly, I'm trying to look and be the best I can. I want someone to want to marry me. I want to want to marry someone. I want a family. Will it all be with K.? Only time will tell. It has felt possible before but I'm experienced enough to realize that nothing lasts forever. 

It feels good to come back here and make my list. The evening is young, it's barely 6pm. I'm not 100% sure how much motivation I will have this weekend to take a crack at that list, but hopefully I do. If anything, I am lightyears ahead of where I was when the week started. 

I am going to be ok. I have to just be strong, stable, and focused. I have to continue to work hard and especially with my mental health. I am learning to feel myself becoming triggered. It's HELLISH WORK. But it's needed. I get triggered so easily. It's honestly heartbreaking. It is clear as day to me at this point in my life just how much emotional damage has been done. But I'm not giving up. I can heal. I'm healing. I've already healed so much.

Lots of love to this community. Hope the weather is beautiful by you!

xo Sar