Well it's the fifth of April and the end of the day is here. I've been depressed this week. My family is dysfunctional. But I won the March Madness bracket at work! And today took a very long walk in the rain.
Why depressed? My parents are completely checked out and refused to coordinate a visit home with my brother who lives abroad. He told me he wasn't coming this Spring so me and my man booked our trip. Days later, I got a call from my sister saying that our brother apparently had a long heart to heart talk with our parents and they ended up working it out for him to come home. And my sister will be there as well (driving from another state). Where will I be?
On vacation with my guy. It's crazy, really. My brother confirmed he wasn't coming back to the States. We booked our trip. And then everything changed and is now overlapping. My first instinct was to reschedule our trip. No, that's not true. My first instinct was pure grief. I love my siblings and very rarely get to see them. I would normally be there, for the reunion. And I could make it happen, if we rescheduled flights and hotel reservations and time off requests less than 30 days out. This is all happening next month.
But I'm not going to fucking reschedule. I have always been the one to come around, and be there. I have always put others' feelings first. Especially when it comes to my family. My family is big and troubled. I was raised thinking that family was important and have acted accordingly. My parents have reversed course and now act like family is nothing. Their noncommittal wishywashyness has led to a real conundrum for me. Something that feels very personal. I'm not saying they did it purposely, but they certainly acted recklessly. This all could've been avoided. But selfish people can't accommodate.
**
Anyway, today is 13 years since the fire. Damn! How do I feel? Better than last year. My relationship with K. has stabilized my mental health in certain ways. I can be open with him and last year I was. I cried to him and was very open about what the anniversary raised within me. This year, I mentioned it briefly. He gave me that space to fill with venting or tears or whatever I needed... I took it graciously and remained calm. I am trying to accept things.
I accept that the fire happened. I accept that I will always be affected by it. I accept that I handled it to the best of my ability and I recognize that I achieved something. I learned to persevere.
I am ok. I am safe. I survived.
It's over. It's in the past.
All I have to do is let it go.
**
I accept that my parents are two people living their senior years out with little concern for me.
.
.
Do I?
Hell no! I think it's ridiculous and unfair and hurtful and and
But what can I do? I'm doing it. I'm lowering my expectations with them. I'm working on accepting what is. I'm keeping myself afloat. I'm living in the moment. I'm planning for the future.
**
13 years ago my world came crashing down around me. I was, briefly, homeless. The feeling of never being able to return home stayed with me for a very long time. I had nothing but myself and my cat and the clothes on my back. It forever changed me.
I am continuing to pick myself up, day after day. A lot has happened since then. A lot has changed. I have changed. But what I want to focus on is my resilience. I am not giving up, even though days like yesterday, where I'm texting with crisis services, show me that life is arduous, and I must keep my strength up. I must continue the inner work. Day in, day out. Affirmations. Routine. Healthy food. Enough sleep. Less substances. I believe in my ability to be the best Sar I can be. I understand I'm not there yet but there is joy in the journey.
So maybe this is all a long winded way of saying that I kick ass! And I must continue kicking ass. It's the only way. I can't be what my parents want and I can't be the perfect girlfriend or employee but I can be me, authentically, doing me, living mindfully and within my means, intentionally improving self-awareness, enjoying the days and resting at night, traveling, reading, listening to music, all of it. Whatever sounds good. With whomever is lucky enough to join me. Hopefully K.
We walked tonight. We fucked. We talked. He's sending me reels after he leaves. God I want real lasting love so much. More than anything in the entire world.
Thanks for commenting on the last post, you guys. Can I just say how truly awesome it is to be back and feeling that sense of community! Lots of love.
Xo,
Sar
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