It's been a banner year

 Good morning,

I haven't posted in forever. I have been doing a lot of "chatting" with AI so I suppose that has become my outlet. What a futuristic concept. Anyway, I'm doing alright. I'm married now!!! Yes that's right, I am a Wife. It's somewhat recent. I am married to K. We had a whirlwind year of reconciliation and wedding planning. Our microwedding went off without a hitch. We planned everything and even wrote the ceremony and our own vows. It was very unconventional. We got lucky with the weather. Nearly all of both of our families were there. I felt honestly like a supermodel. My hair, makeup, and dress were all so beautiful. I did look very thin on my wedding day. Admittedly, I had big plans to tone up but life got in the way. I just ate clean the weeks before and it worked out. Was scared to see the pics but relieved that my body looks good on camera. 

I am 40 now!!! All these years posting here. I am growing up. Or at least, growing old. I'm glad about it. 

My best friend and soul cat had to be put to rest a few months ago. It was completely devastating. I have been grieving intensely hard. He lived 17 years. He was so beautiful. He was so fragile and yet strong at the end. He used his litter box his last day and even ate a treat for us at the emergency vet. I miss him so much. I miss him every day. I cry about him regularly. The loss of my emotional support cat shocked and changed me. I knew it was coming, the way a mother always knows, and I thought I was "prepared". Lol. No, I was not prepared. There is no preparing you for being someone's voice. There is no preparing you for him being there one minute, squirming around in the blanket, to gone the next. An empty space where his body was. A hole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon. His last days and moments have haunted me ever since. RIP buddy. God I miss and love you so fucking much.

I'm off work on medical leave. I started having crazy panic attacks at the beginning of summer, after my baby died, and I moved to K.'s house. A lot of change and then work got so busy and stressful and I was treated with such disrespect. I have not worked in 3 months. I am healing. It is kind of K. to support me through this. He wanted me to leave the job for years, but we had no clue the timing would work out this way. He actually started a new job the week I went out on leave. He is doing well but it's slow going (sales). We have been through SO much.

It's late October and I am recognizing that I'm a little bored, and I'm pretty out of touch with myself. I've had so many external distractions this year. Moving in together, a milestone birthday, a job change, my husband's job change, a major death that dismantled everything, a wedding... We have also done some traveling! NYC, Colorado, Pittsburgh. I returned to Central America. We are going to Florida again soon. We are hoping to honeymoon in 2027 somewhere wild. Maybe St. Lucia. We love to see the world (well, the Western hemisphere so far) and explore together. So grateful for this man but need to come into my own. I need to get a life. I need to get back to work.

I need to talk about my family but maybe later. Just wanted to post a quick life update. Is anyone out there?

Love, Sar

New year, same old me

I'm depressed. It's 7 days into the new year and I've been sick the entire time. It started New Years Eve. And this was after a HELL of a year. 2025 was wild. It's 2026 now. I'm realizing that I spend a lot of time and energy reading about other people's lives. I scroll reddit, I scroll Twitter. I see what's happening with thousands of people every single day. Well, what the actual fuck is happening in my life? This is the "calm" after the storm. I've been picking up the pieces of what I blew up for months now. I'm becoming stagnant, it truly feels. Or is this because I'm sick and LITERALLY just existing right now? Every day is sleep, eat, work, scroll, smoke, bed. Every day I think "wow I should do this" and most days I don't do shit. I struggle not being productive. I know I'm not alone in this, in this capitalistic culture we're chained to.

Yes, life these days is bleak. And yet, there's so much good if I try and focus on it. For one, me and my fiance are back together!! The wedding is back on! I'm returning to Central America for ANOTHER retreat! I have concert tix. My cat is healthy. My parents are healthy. I ... well, not so much. I feel unhealthy at this point. Smoking weed every single day will do that to an almost 40 year old. God, I hate being sick. This has truly sucked. I had very high hopes for the new year. Sure, there's a lot coming up. But this cabin fever and cold weather and sickness AND my period came early has me feeling quite sorry for myself, and also kinda beating the shit out of myself mentally. Calling myself a bitch, a little baby, pathetic, a victim, but no... I'm not those things. Ok am I am That Bitch but this mindset where weakness is not allowed is so exhausting. I'm exhausted.

I shouldn't be, because I have been so inactive, but here we are.

UGH.

It's just a depressive episode. I'm in it. I'm riding the wave but at a very low point. I'm nauseous. I'm sick of living like this. But what else can I DO? Work is all I do. Work is NOT all I am. But it is DAMN HARD trying to figure out "who I am" outside of my job title.

Meanwhile, K. is over there on a regimented work out program. He's doing amazing and I am so proud of him!! Also, worried that he will see that I AIN'T SHIT.

Oh the tone of this blog is a sad one indeed. That is what my life has become. Sad. I need to get a hobby. Guitar? Haven't touched it in almost a year. Writing? Lol, rarely. Reading? On the toilet. Walking? It's freezing and dark and I live in the city. Not happening outside. I do have a walking pad that K. got me last winter. It was a godsend before I got sick. I was walking every day. I thought I could get on it last night but taking down the decorations used up all my remaining energy. Yoga? I fell off the wagon. WHAT ELSE DO PEOPLE DO???

Please, someone... help me. =(

In a mood

 God I'm in a shitty mood today. I shouldn't be.. it's a beautiful sunny October day. Yesterday I decided to commit to returning to Central America to attend the wellness retreat again in March 2026. I am going out tonight to a concert with a friend. Life is good. But holy fuck I am in a pissed off shitty bitchy mood, and I feel tired.

My washing machine is a piece of shit. My body aches. I didn't take a walk yesterday. I feel fat. I feel angry. I feel like work is a pain in the ass. It's so fucking busy. Every time I delete an email, another one comes in. My cat is being annoying. I have a stye on my eye for the first time ever and it's been there a week so I'm only wearing glasses and I want this shit to heal and it's taking forever.

I'm 29 days into Sober October and haven't had a drink and just last night told my therapist how great that feels. So why the SHIT MOOD today?

WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!!

I suppose it could have something to do with the evil anti-christ leading the country. The cold weather coming on. My inability to be as disciplined as I want. It could also be the whole bag of candy corn I ate in about 3 days. I'm disgusting.

Haven't heard from T. in a month. He's had me blocked that entire time. Fuck him. That whole thing was a joke and a waste of energy.

It's only 12:30 in the middle of my workday and I am so tempted to get high. I know it would "help". But I guess I'll wait until maintenance looks at my piece of shit washing machine this afternoon. I hate the appliances here. I hate everything!!!! Andddd there's another work email. Tell these people to shut the fuck up.

Quick update

I'm back! It was great! Not so great to go right back to work but that's life for us middle class folk. I did NOT see T. We are not going to be friends. He is blocked and behind me. I have no tears left to cry for him. I will just say that he is a total asshole and finding that out took me by surprise but there were signs and red flags. I want to say I "should" have known. But the truth is, I knew when I knew. I gave him one chance to be friends. And that will be it. I don't regret wanting to see the good in someone. I don't regret falling for an illusion. I'm only fucking human. I love that I want to love someone. I have a huge heart that still has hope and I'm proud of that. T. would be lucky to be with me. It is his loss 100% and it never had to be this way. He talks this huge game about being so evolved but it's a complete fabrication. He is a fraud and I feel duped. Trying to feel compassion for myself, first and foremost, and I can see myself eventually getting there with him. But not now. His actions have been too shady. 

I got distracted so I'll be back later.

Birthday trip

It's my birthday eve! I'm all packed and ready to go. Less than two weeks ago I decided to plan myself a long weekend away to enjoy a solo birthday. I'm headed to the beach. Flight leaves in the AM, bright and early. 

I'm excited. I will be about two hours away from, and probably having dinner with T. When I booked this trip in the back of my mind I imagined telling him about it as a reason to see each other. A last ditch effort if you will. Well, it worked. That said, we've been talking for awhile. The correspondence never fully stopped. It ramped up again last week. We want to be friends. The circumstances under which we met were just too rare. He said he can't imagine me being near him and not getting together. I agree. I have no idea how it's going to go.

I'm not going to sleep with him. At least that is what I keep telling myself. I know that won't help anything. The offer is on the table, of course. We both acknowledged attraction exists. But I need more than that. Sex gets me attached. Not worth it when he lives so far away. Even if it is somewhere I like to go. 

But enough about him. I'm going to my happy place. It is somewhere I've visited 5x already. When I booked it, part of the draw was the familiarity. I longed for comfort. 

Few more hours.

It feels good to take a break from reality. Get on a jet and enjoy the beautiful views. Land somewhere completely different than here. Step back from the daily grind a bit. Embrace the feeling of freedom..

Good night all. 

Lessons learned

Oh, it hurts. My heart has been broken by a man I barely even knew. It was all just a few months.. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. A blip in the radar. In my present reality, this is everything. My memories of this summer are him. My attachment has wrecked my weeks lately. 

Let me back up. Things started so promising. We connected. I felt seen and attractive. I felt curious and open. He told me he loved me when he came here. He said it in such a sweet and earnest way. "There's no other word that describes what I'm feeling so I'm just going to say it, I love you S.". (Turns out, there are plenty of other words such as infatuation, desire, limerence, but I digress...). I was taken aback but flattered. I didn't say it to him because I didn't feel it, but I didn't necessarily question his feelings. I trusted that he was being honest. Why would he not be honest? 

LOL. Girl. Can you tell I've been out of the game for awhile? Why would he not be honest? Why indeed.

We spent our days together, we spent our nights together, we slept together. And then he went home. We had our first fight. And then our second. And then our third. Things changed. But we had a special trip coming up, something he had planned for us. First class flights across the country for a romantic weekend in a fabulous city. It got cancelled. And then it was back on. Things grew volatile. Finally, the night before the trip, we called it off again. It was 4pm on a Thursday and I was supposed to get on a plane Friday morning at 6am. I was devastated. But my heart had been busy falling in love so there was a tiny voice inside that said maybe we could still pull it off.

So off we went. And it was great at first. The first hug when we saw each other. Holding hands. Kissing. A kiss that felt just unfamiliar enough. Long distance is so weird. But the cracks began to show. There was a moment where his ex popped up on his phone. There was a moment where I felt PMS and hangry. We were together 24/7 so far from home and we made the best of it. There were some beautiful romantic moments that I have never experienced until him. These are the moments my heart still holds with so much bittersweet pain and sorrow.

The day we got home is the day it ended officially. But have you ever had one of those breakups that drag out for weeks due to one or both providing mixed signals? Yeah, that happened. I will just say that I have cried every days for weeks and the tears seem to be endless. The pain is so harsh. I think at this point I am grieving both relationships ending and maybe this was always going to be my fate. Alone and crying. Heart aching and no one to witness my pain. Limited support from the outside. A brain that won't shut the fuck up. A heart that feels confused over the emotional whiplash of being loved and then abandoned and treated with the utmost disregard. A newfound knowledge of "avoidance". A list of things I don't like about him. An empty bottle of wine on a Tuesday. A dwindling supply of smoke. Puffy eyelids. A frown and eyebrow furrow. Pain in my breasts because my period is coming again. That's how long it's been since I've seen him, almost a full menstrual cycle.

Jesus. It feels like there is no way out of this pain. I wake up, sobbing. I let it out for a bit and then smoke to dull the intensity. Which it does, briefly. My eyes well and my nose gets stuffy and I let out a few tears every once in awhile. I wail "fuck you T." I lean my body and head against the wall and press hard. I pick up my cat and hug him. I walk around aimlessly, with no motivation to do anything. The dishes pile up. The dust collects. I don't crave much, but I have binged on some candy. The sugar hit briefly gives me a lift and then I'm falling back down, into the deep dark pit of despair where I currently reside like a rejected troll.

Please let there be light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know how much more I can take.

Tomorrow on my mind

...and it has been for days. He's coming to see me. I'm picking him up at the airport. This man I've met twice is getting on a jet to visit yours truly. It makes me smile. It sends a sparkle through my body. It's unbelievable. Just last night we talked about this lingering sense of disbelief.

There's stuff I want to do to prepare, but in typical fashion, I've procrastinated. Sure, I've cleaned up a bit here and there. But it's already past noon and I'm chillen on the couch with my coffee and last night's half a joint, dicking around on the interwebs like I've got all the time in the world. 

He'll be here in less than 24 hours. We won't be together the whole time - he'll be working from his airbnb. I'll be working from home. We'll see each other tomorrow all day obviously and then just in the evenings going forward.

Looking further, this coming weekend is the holiday and he has mentioned me flying BACK with him and spending the weekend at his place. I think I mentioned he lives somewhere quite lovely. I want to go. We could watch fireworks from the boat. He offered to use miles to buy my flight. Is this too good to be true?? It would mean staying at his place. The compromise I came up with (in my head - haven't said this to him yet) would be only staying two days. That is long enough to celebrate the holiday but short enough for my comfort levels. 

But, we'll see! Anyway. Just wanted to share my excitement. I'm enjoying single life A LOT. I went out with my friends the last two nights and got hit on three times! Not that I care about being hit on by randoms especially with T. but it means my confidence is back, baby!!

The retreat changed everything. Or maybe, I attended the retreat, and I changed myself. Hmm. Yeah. I like that even better.

I'm a bit too restless to blog, after all. It felt good to get some of this out on paper. Sending love and joy!

Sar 

Who am I?

I don't recognize my life or myself. The funny thing is, I've said this before. It's happened a lot over my nearly four decades. Fresh starts. Spontaneous life altering decisions. Last week I flew 1500 miles to visit a man I met while in Central America. 

I just bust out laughing and muttered what the fuck. It's so bizarre. But yes. That happened. We had a great time! It was emotional. We bonded. Went boating and out to eat. Watched tv on the couch and took walks. Had our first kiss floating in the ocean under the sun. We talked nonstop. There were also moments of sacred shared silence.

He offered for me to stay with him, but I stayed in a hotel. 

One month ago I was engaged to someone I had been dating the last three and a half years.

Life works in mysterious ways.

Currently: I am sick as a dog. Sickest I've been in a long time. Coughing. Tired. Nauseous. Losing weight from no appetite. I think it's my body's way of saying "slow the fuck down". But you can't stop a speeding train.

T., my new "friend", is coming to visit me next weekend. The turnaround time on all this is giving me whiplash. Neither of us knew this was going to lead to what it has, but the feelings are real and we're living in that undefined space. That said, dude is booking flights and ready to commit. My ex is regularly reaching out updating me on all the work he's doing to heal. I could go back to him, if I wanted. He wants another chance.

But do I want that? In a different world, yes. I love(d) him. K. and I had fun and we were very very close. Truth is, I gave him/us so many chances. It feels like history now. Which still feels very surreal. This disbelief and sense of suspended reality has upended my daily life and it's no wonder I'm sick.

I've done nothing this week. I got home from T.'s and fell sick. I worked and slept and that's it. I'm not even unpacked and he's coming next weekend. First thing on the list: get better! Then I'm going to clean my apartment lol. He's staying in a hotel and some of the days he'll be here I'll be working. He said he wants to take me on a date. He's sweet and I have heart eyes for him..

More later. I'm trying to post more. Send me healing vibes pretty please! Love to all.

-S

Alone again

After 3 years, and so much travel, and multiple family deaths, and a major operation, holidays, and an engagement - I've ended it. I broke the engagement and I broke up with K. I am alone again. The hardest part isn't even the pain of a relationship ending or the ache of my heart, it's having to tell people and attempt to explain why. Everyone is so shocked. Even my best friend said, why didn't we ever talk about any of this? And all I could say was, I was trying to figure it out on my own.

It IS sad of course. I miss him a little. I still love him. I wonder how he's doing. I care about him. I don't consider the last 3 years a waste. I don't consider him an enemy. I learned a lot from our relationship about life and about myself. I'll always be grateful for that.

Sometimes, there is not one reason you can point to and say THAT'S why you left. Truth is, there's tons of moments that have led to this. Primarily the fact that we tried 6 months of couples counseling and our communication and fighting didn't improve. He struggled to meet my emotional needs.

WTF are emotional needs? Good question. It's been wild trying to understand all that. I don't know how deep I'm going to get here. Let's just say that I've been feeling emotionally neglected for a long time, tried to speak up about it more than once, and nothing fundamentally changed. It got to the point in couples counseling where our counselor advised us that we are different communicators and that I will likely always feel unheard with him. 

I couldn't unhear this. I started listening to the previously stifled tiny voice inside my head. I followed my inner truth. I debated and overanalyzed and made lists. Ultimately, I knew I couldn't stay. The hardest part was the days in between accepting that and telling him. I felt sick over it.

When I finally gathered the balls to advise him - it was a sad conversation. We both cried. He was desperate for another chance. It tugged at my heart but I was resolute. It's officially been a full week now. Yesterday I finally blocked him.

Oh, and I booked a long weekend to unwind and visit T.

More later.

XO

I started this post in January

It's a new year, and it's cold and dark. This weather blows, but 2024 ended on a super positive note... I'm officially engaged to my fiancée. *Grins* First time ever. It's been a long time coming, and it's what makes sense, and it's made me the happiest most excited person ever!!!!

For a couple weeks, that is. Now almost a month has passed, and I'm in the doldrums of winter. I feel more present. We are going to enjoy engagement, and plan our wedding for 2026. It's honestly surreal, but it feels sooo right. I'm excited to marry him, and feeling a very calm certainty about it all.

THAT SAID, life is rough. My job is the worst.

^^^ that was January 14

It's now May 21, and I am just getting back to this draft. I read the most recent blog posts from last year and was slightly discouraged to see how negative they were. 2024 sucked though. Luckily, things have stabilized. 

It is now May 23, and I'm coming back to this draft again. It's Friday night. I'm sitting here in my pjs, same ones I've been wearing for days. I'm depressed. My engagement is on the line. I am thinking of ending things. But I'm so fuckin torn. I love him so much. He's a wonderful person. We have been through a lot of serious life stuff together. It's just that I'm exhausted. 

I have to really back up. Last month I attended a wellness retreat and nothing has been the same since. When I was there (in Central America), I was calm and happy. Doing daily yoga and meditation. Eating healthy food. Engaging in healthy conversations. Peace. Warmth. Time to breathe. It was perfect. I was super emotional though, and we did some hard mental work. I was actually FEELING my feelings. Sharing circles and vulnerability and holding space for the group.. it was like nothing I've ever seen or experienced. I am so grateful I went and it was worth every penny.

Coming home was jarring. There was tension immediately with K. when he picked me up from the airport. I chalked it up as me being tired since it was a long travel day. The next day, I was good. Still feeling the calm. The day after that I went back to work, and shit fell apart. Me and K. started fighting. We're always freaking fighting it seems. Work was overwhelming. At one point I reached out to a friend I made at the retreat for support. "T."

He was super kind and we've kept in touch. He is significantly older and lives in another state. At the retreat, we bonded over a joint. We talked a lot and often sat next to each other. Nothing happened and he was aware I'm in a relationship and engaged to be married.

But we connected. And now we're texting all the time. He's so mature. He sees the real me. He said point blank that he doesn't think my relationship is healthy or destined for the long haul based on how I've described it, which was really off-putting for me to hear. In fact, it made me mad to hear it. What does he know? He's been married and divorced more than once. But he is also on a wellness journey. He has gathered wisdom. He is emotionally intelligent.

Here's the other part: me and K. have been in couples counseling for 6 full months. We almost broke up in the Fall. I insisted on couples counseling and he was open to it so we started it. We got engaged over the holidays. So, as T. eventually pointed out, the timeline of almost breaking up > counseling > engagement is a little sketch.

I'm going to admit that I'm a little infatuated with T. Yes I know, it's horrific. I've judged myself and have been feeling guilty as hell. Importantly, I'm not just letting this ride. I'm taking action. I asked K. for a break. He took it hard. I'm trying to hear the inner voice inside of me. It's whispering words I don't want to hear, but honestly they are nothing new. I love K. I love him so very much. But is love enough?

I don't know. I'm hurting pretty badly. Our relationship is in limbo. It sucks. I was hoping posting would give me clarity. But I guess I already know what needs to happen. The fact alone that I'm crushing this much on T. is giving me pause. I've been doing a lot of thinking.. It's like the emotional void I've been carrying around was easily filled by T.'s warmth and depth. I'm an empath, and it's not every day I click with someone like this. In essence, it could be anyone who comes along and clicks with me, heart to heart, as long as the void exists. That's dangerous for someone in a relationship. K. is clearly not meeting my emotional needs. He is very stoic. He doesn't react when I cry. He doesn't easily offer a hug or encouragement or reassurance. It is always me asking.

But I know that no one can fill every need for me!! I have to fill my own needs, right?? It's just that there have been so many times when I am vulnerable with K. or confide something with K. and I don't get much back. T. responds with ease. I'm not saying T. is prince charming. But he is showing me that it's possible to connect like this. And I cannot unsee it..

Crazy that this post started with me being so excited about my engagement to K. 

Life is crazy.

Am I crazy? Probably. But I gotta be able to live with myself. I'm split in half right now. I don't love it. I'm staving off shame by reminding myself that I'm human. I hate the idea of hurting K. I was raised to put others first. (Thanks Mom and Dad!) I've been learning to put ME first. That's why I went on the retreat. I needed to get away and spend time and energy on myself. It changed how I see things. I didn't expect that. I was just expecting a relaxing trip. I kinda fell in love with myself down there. I was confident and calm. I was friendly and cool. I met so many great people including T. who are also on healing journeys. And now that I'm home, living this life, it's impossible not to think about how much better it could all be. It's impossible not to see that my relationship and this engagement might be holding me back. 

XO

Sar

I wanna be in the mountains

It's been a minute since I've blogged. Obviously life here in America has been pretty intense the last couple weeks post-election. I had my days of sadness, wine, and weed. I've since become more accustomed or perhaps even numb to it all. 

Things with my man have improved greatly. We actually started couples therapy together. In a few weeks, we are headed south for a long weekend away. 

Work sucks. They've really put me through the ringer this year and I'm soo over it but hanging on best I can. It's not the best time to job hop with all the instability. I'm open to opportunities still of course, but have tried to change my attitude a bit. 

It pays to play by the rules, sometimes. I need the money after buying my beautiful new car and I'm still chipping away at my thousands of dollars in student loans almost 15 years out of college. Once K. and I move in together I will be able to get rid of these debts much quicker but I recognize that on my own I've really come a long way. My credit score is in the 800s! 

Other good things: my elderly cat is still healthy and very loving. My relationships with my tight "old school" group of girlfriends have all evolved in a positive manner. I am getting better at being true to myself. I am getting better at noticing my emotions. I am making strides in therapy. We have ruled out BPD - for awhile I was sure I had it. But my therapist who I've been with many years has assured me I do not. He reiterated the PTSD diagnosis of my early 20s, which continues to be relevant. I continue to work on improving.

Some bad: I am totally addicted to pot (still). It's dark at 5PM and cold. Relations with my parents have been strained and my dad is very sickly. I'm being under-utilized at my job which results in me feeling bored sometimes. I'm struggling to make even the smallest decisions lately. Like legit torn and it's paralyzing. My body and face are aging sooo much. I look so bad. That's what I'm constantly telling myself. Haven't weighed in a couple months but I have 100% gained 5-10 pounds since January. 

Maybe I'll weigh tomorrow. Just to give myself something cohesive to work with. I want to get a better body. I want to get a better mind. They go hand in hand.

Ta ta for now.

Love & Peace.

Sar

Fog

I'm so torn. I feel like I don't even own my life. I'm just in a fog. Day in, day out. Same stupid brain. Tried for over a week to cut back on weed. Didn't buy any. Downloaded an app. Sucked the shit out of my vape. Struggled with insomnia and moodiness. Legit felt the void in my routine. Last night, after a hellish work experience, with the weekend beckoning, I walked to the dispensary. I bought: another vap, an eight of nug, and a 1 gram joint to share with the girls. My friend is making dinner and we're all getting together later, so figured I'd bring some herbal refreshment.

Did I mention I was intending to do "Sober October"? Of course not, I rarely blog. I started with the best of intentions. Tried to rally my friends. Told K. all about it. But then, as hinted in my previous post, shit hit the fan with us. Two incidents, days apart. And right now there is such tension. I "broke up" with  him and blocked him on everything the other day. He started emailing me. At first it was harsh then evolved into him begging me to talk to him and promising we could try couples therapy. I had my yearly physical and described the depression I've been feeling. They added a THIRD medication. I haven't filled it yet. I ended up unblocking him from the doctor's office just to tell him.

The next day he sent me flowers. Then we got on the phone and he said the wrong thing and I went nuclear and blocked him again. He apparently reached out to his sister basically in tears begging her to talk to me. She messaged and called me, asking me to talk to him. I unblocked him AGAIN just so he would stop involving her.

He's been unblocked ever since but we have not gotten back on the phone. I'm not going to bother going into details about our fight(s) because what I truly want to blog about is how I feel going forward. "Confused" is not a feeling but it's where I'm at. So I figured I would try to figure this out.

Why I want to make it work:

I love him

We can talk through anything

He's in individual therapy and willing to do couples therapy

Shared values

Common interests

He makes me laugh

He is fighting for our relationship

Why I want to end it:

He's an asshole 

His mental health has weaknesses

We fight too much

I feel like I've changed his lifestyle and have lingering guilt

I don't feel good enough for a loving relationship

I wonder if I deserve better

Long term commitment scares me

Having children someday scares me

Fears of being betrayed or lied to

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is a chance I'll add to both lists, but just throwing these together real quick is eye opening. There are more "reasons" to end it, but they are fear-based reasons and insecurity.

FUCK.

I really hate myself sometimes. I constantly have dreams of us breaking up. My neck fucking hurts from being hunched over like this and it's 11:22AM on a Saturday. NOW WHAT?

I'm so fucking lost. I'm so torn. I'm so depressed and anxious and weak and fickle and pathetic. I'm a pothead. I hate my job. I don't know what other job to even get. This year has been SO HARD on me. I'm tired. My nose is runny. My apartment is a mess. I need serious help.

Paranoid

I put my entire life on hold this year, to help K. through his medical issues and surgery. And I don't even know if we're going to make it. I'm aging by the day, 38 and no kids. This is never where I wanted to be. We have been dating nearly 3 years. We are no closer to marriage then we were a year ago, that's how it feels currently. It's not that marriage is the end goal necessarily, but there are certain tax and economic  protections by being married. Why be in a long term committed relationship without them? We talk about living together, but that scares the hell out of me. I've lived alone a long time.

I don't trust him. And I know how ridiculous and awful that sounds, after being with him this long, going through what we've gone through, and naively assuming we would end up together anyway. It's weird because there is a certain base level of trust that I definitely feel. Like I'll get in the car with him, sleep next to him, give him a key to my place, ask him to watch my cat, etc. But actual trust that he won't do me wrong? Sadly I really struggle with this. I have extreme trust issues. They've been here forever.

My mental health is terrible lately. I'm so fucking depressed. 

After

It's officially been a week since my boyfriend's life saving surgery. He did great. He is healing slowly but surely. I couldn't be more relieved. I want to catalog certain details, so let me back up...

Last Monday, the day before the surgery, the hospital put us in a hotel nearby, as we live in a different city (about an hour away), and he had to be there at 6:00AM. I worked all day Monday, but it was SO hard to focus. I was feeling a million different things. In fact, the days leading up to last Monday were hellish. I had a lot of anxiety. He was hiding behind jokes. His family came to town.

I have been responsible for all the driving, as he cannot drive for at least a month. I drove us all to the hotel Monday night after work. It was a tense drive. It was late, and since we had to be up early, we planned to go right to bed. Obviously we knew sleeping would be difficult.

The hotel had a jacuzzi, which was surprisingly open late. I had brought my bathing suit (like I always do for any hotel stay) and convinced him to go for a late night dip. We thought the heat might help us relax for sleep.

I remember it all so clearly. Trying to keep the mood light. Trying to stay calm. Sitting next to him in this hotel jacuzzi, watching a little boy and his dad swimming in the pool. They had a sauna as well, so once we were done with the jacuzzi, we went in there. The hotel towels were so small and scratchy. The sauna was lovely. But before long it was time to go back to our room. It was nearly 10:00PM.

We got in bed and talked for awhile. I turned the light off and tried to fall asleep. I could NOT get comfortable. I usually bring my pillow for travel but for whatever reason this time I did not. I hate hotel pillows. I kept tossing and turning. And then my allergies ramped up. I sneezed and got up to blow my nose multiple times. This was gonna be a long night. Eventually, I passed out for about 3 hours.

I woke up to him tossing and turning. And basically stayed up the rest of the night. We had an alarm set for 4:30AM but turned the light on and started talking around 4AM. He was so nervous. I was scared but trying to stay calm, supportive, and loving. I reminded him how much better he would feel after the surgery. I told him I would be by his side the whole time. I told him how much I loved him.

And then it was time to go. I drove us to the hospital, in the dark. As we walked in, my panic began to build and I started to feel all the feelings. We took the elevator to the surgical floor and got in line to check in. It was interesting to see that there were about 20 people there at that early hour, waiting to check in for surgery, or with loved ones checking in. Tears quickly filled my eyes but didn't fall. This was all so fucking real. I took a few deep breaths.

All too quickly, they called him back for surgical prep. They had told me I'd be able to go to him once this was complete, before they took him to the operating room. I sat there in the waiting room, bogged down with books, my journal, a cooler, my purse, his water bottle... I got into a conversation with a woman seated nearby. Her son was having brain surgery. We had a nice rapport. It soothed me. Then he texted me, and I went back to him.

He was wearing a hospital gown, with a surgical bonnet around his head. He was hooked up to fluids. We were in a small room with a curtain. Just me, him, and his mom. The time was approximately 8AM. We sat there and talked for hours. Around 11:45AM, the surgical nurse came to ask him some questions and go over the surgery. This is when the panic set in FOR REAL. He looked at me, I looked at him, we both started crying. I bent over the bed, hugging him, telling him to be brave, telling him I loved him. It's a blur but I remember it so well. After just a moment or two, the nurse came back and said to say our goodbyes.

At this point, I'm visibly terrified and unable to stop the tears. I wasn't sobbing, but I was crying and our eyes were locked on each other. Even now, typing this, I feel the pain in my chest from those moments. God, it was so fucked up. For months now, my biggest fear was that he would die on the table. I was truly afraid of this happening. I've gone through so much horrible shit in my life, it seemed like almost a given that I'd lose him this way. But I held on to the smallest bit of courage I could find deep within. I said good bye and see you later and walked away.

Those first few minutes after we left him, I had a panic attack. I could feel it. I was breathing heavy, shaking, my brain was spinning a mile minute, I was in fight or flight mode. I told her I needed to go drop some of the stuff off in my car and off I went. I walked away from her and it was so surreal. People everywhere and my love away from me, about to be knocked out and cut open. I walked to the car and back in record time, then stopped in the bathroom. I was sweating like mad so I reapplied deodorant and took more deep breaths. I knew it was going to be a long day. It had already been a long day. 

I'm going to stop for now. More later.

On my way to you..

Well it's been awhile. Things have gotten better in some ways, worse in others. K. is less than a week out from major surgery. The stress has been extreme. We are both irritable and scared. I'm anxious. He's having nightmares. We had a major fight, but got through it. I just want him to be ok. His father passed away a month ago, very unexpectedly. It was awful timing, but when is it ever a good time to die? I did the best I could to be there for him and his family. Luckily, they're all nice people who make it easy to care. His mom is very sweet. She loves me.

Things with my family are alright. There was some drama surrounding my brother's passing and the funeral we finally had. My parents both caught covid and took forever to get better. We're all getting older. My dad actually surprised me with some money towards my student loans, which was a shock and a blessing. I think he is finally softening in his senior years. I am making efforts to stay connected. Truth is, I do need them right now.

I'm super scared about my man's health situation. I am definitely numbing myself with weed but luckily not alcohol. He is really experiencing a lot of bad symptoms. Our sex life has waned a bit. But we're hanging in there.

Work is going better. They are actually being somewhat understanding and flexible with me. They are allowing me to work less hours the next month or so while I care for him. Since we're not married, I don't qualify for FMLA, etc. But I appreciate that I can be allowed a special accommodation. It motivates me to stay longer, absolutely.

Done with work for the day. Just took a few hits off a nice joint. About to freshen up then drive over to my guy. Weekday date night, even though we won't be doing much. I want to see him. I feel really bad about the fight we had. I can be emotionally and verbally abusive to him. I hate it about myself. It's really hard to accept it about myself. Who am I kidding? I should not accept it. Right? I should REJECT it. 

The problem is that I'm so good at fighting. I can rip someone apart. I know this is two fold, one from my profession, and two learned from a past abusive relationship. I'm referring of course to (the first) D., in case anyone has been reading that long. D. was positively evil. We fought constantly. What's scary to me is how I catch myself saying and doing similar things that he did to me. For example, the name calling. Hanging up on the other. Turning phone off or blocking. Evil, evil stuff. And I'm guilty.

It sucks. I've been with my therapist many years and we still haven't managed to get me to be better with this. I go nuclear. There is no other way to put it. Truthfully, I don't deserve to be in a relationship. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

Me and K. always talk it out and make up and he is forgiving towards my fighting style. It's hard for me to understand. He loves me. But love isn't enough to put up with this, is it? I know the answer to that question before I even finish typing it. Love is definitely enough to put up with verbal abuse and all sorts of other crazy shit. People in love tolerate crazy shit. 

But that doesn't make it ok. It's still a problem. He's definitely not perfect. He can be selfish and stubborn. He can fight too. Just not as good as me. 

Meaning, I always win. I tell myself that I don't want to win. It's not about winning. But the reality is that I won't stop until I've won.

Is anyone else like this?

Or am I just damaged beyond repair.

On that heavy note, hope anyone still out there reading is doing well and enjoying their July.  

Until next time.. 

~S

When everything goes wrong

Ending the week on a shit note. I'm depressed. I'm angry. I'm anxious. I'm so unhappy with my life. I hate my life and I hate myself. I hate the world and I hate my job. I hate my boyfriend and I hate my family. Shit is FUCKED right now.

Paid a bunch of money to fix my car, which is a beater. I've gotten ZERO feedback at work, in fact my "manager" is tip toeing around and avoiding me completely. I *was* feeling better about work but not currently - I'm questioning everything. I'm telling myself to keep this job, to hold onto it, FOR THE MONEY. It's alllll about the fucking money, all the fucking time. Everywhere you look. Everything you see. All of what you hear about. It all comes down to money. Money is truly the root of all evil and I'm trapped in hell.

It's Friday night and I skipped lunch. I have a glass worth of wine left in the bottle so I'm slamming that on an empty stomach. Then I'll switch to whiskey. Anything to punish myself. Anything to cope.

I haven't heard from my mom in 8 days and I haven't heard from my dad in 2 months. 

Fuck them. They're practically dead to me. And of course I feel horrible saying that. What kind of daughter am I? How ungrateful. How horrific of me to loathe the people who have spent my entire life ignoring me and downplaying who I really am such that these days I have no fucking clue who I am. I'm just angry.

My boyfriend tries, he really does. I don't know how hard he tries but I would never say he doesn't make an effort. The problem is that nothing he says or does will ever help fill the hole inside me. Nothing he can do to wake the dead. The dead hole that lives in my soul. My brain is the enemy, my heart is a child. My soul I feel detached from.

------------------------------------------------------------

A half hour later. I feel buzzed. The wine is gone. Still haven't ate. Thinking about making a whiskey drink. I feel slightly "better" in that my mood isn't as rageful. 

What the fuck am I going to do tonight? Probably nothing.

I'm such a loser.

Total Solar Eclipse

 Today is the once in a lifetime total solar eclipse and I'm in the path of totality. I'm excited! But - it's cloudy as fuck. Figures. Regardless, I took the afternoon off work and am spending the day with my man. Yes - I still have a job and a boyfriend. I recall my last post detailed some dire times. Things have gotten better and I'm doing alright. 

Spent Easter weekend at my sister's house in another state. She and her hubby are having issues. It was tense and they fought a lot. Hoping they pull through it. We made the best of it.

Went and visited my cousin with the new baby and had a marvelous time - he's adorable and she's doing well.

Hung with my good friend and had many laughs and lots of wine. Much needed girl time.

My man and I continue to hold on. His surgery is coming fast. I just want to be through it. Taking it day by day is tough. Not being able to plan is tough. We're finding ways to distract ourselves (homemade sushi, many movie nights, walks, talks).

My mental health is somewhat stable at the moment. I've had a week of solid moods. I've been more positive than negative lately. Trying to just be thankful for that.

And yeah. This once in a generation total solar eclipse is worth noting. I hope we get to see SOMETHING through all the cloud cover. Either way, we'll be together. Being with him is everything lately.

Love & Peace.

-Sar

Old phones & the memories they contain - TRIGGER WARNING

Friday morning at the crack of dawn. My cat woke me up about 20 minutes before my alarm. My boyfriend has forgiven me. I don't know why he's so forgiving towards me. I don't know why I deserve his love. My job and attitude towards it have gone from poor to fair. Today is my review. I'm nervous.

I feel like I have definitely gained weight and it's freaking me out. Just another reason to quit weed. The munchies are so real. My aging adult body cannot just write it all off, the way it used to. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I've read that quitting weed zaps hunger for awhile. If only I could be strong enough to really give it a try. 

Weeks ago, I had the realization that I struggle to feel safe in my skin. Last night, I looked through two old cell phones, to see if there were any old text messages from my brother who passed. There was not. But there was a few "locked" messages from my ex. The abusive D. I don't know why I saved them. I guess to never forget. Did I really think that I would?

One of them, in the context of him defending his abuse to me, was him saying that I got hit with a pillow but deserved a cinderblock.

Another said that he wished we kept the baby.

Another said that I was the ONLY beautiful girl in the entire world. And that he loved me so much, "it was hell".

I wish I didn't read them again. I'm glad that 99% of our communications have been deleted. All social media conversations are gone. But those few messages, plus old journals, plus this blog obviously - exist. It's hard sometimes to remember him, and how he was. I don't NEED to remember him. I don't WANT to remember him.

But he was someone I dated for so long. I thought I loved him. We experienced my pregnancy and chose to go through the horrors of abortion together. I'm not going to say it brought us closer because hell no. But it was a MAJOR event in both of our lives. It affected us both and I would never say that it didn't.

I'm just glad I got out. Ugh. Why did I give him so much of me? 

More importantly, why, in the aftermath of his abuse, did I BECOME so abusive? Why did I learn from him? Why do I find myself SAYING similar things, and doing similar things? "The abused become abusive" is something true in my experience. And I completely admit that I have become abusive. It's not ok. I just don't know how to stop.

I gotta get ready for work. Had nightmares last night, as usual.

Hopefully today doesn't suck.

It's tomorrow but still tonight

I'm burning bridges left and right. Skipped my best friend's birthday get together. Ghosted my parents after my brother's death. Earlier tonight, said something unforgiveable to my boyfriend. Not sure how much longer I'll be able to call him that. 

Today was a day of self loathing. I have never hated myself more. My body radiates hate with every move I make. I ache with it.

I tried to go without weed today and failed. Work has gone to total shit. I am in a major depressive "episode' and my thoughts get so dark it scares me.

I can't even call myself thin. As I age, my body softens. You never think it will happen to you... I feel fat as hell and look like shit.

Put on what I thought was a cute outfit and was having a good hair day for the concert we went to tonight. My boyfriend said nothing. We had been tense and in disagreement mode all afternoon. Made the mistake of getting together for a concert we planned to go to. Fought there. Fought afterwards.

It sucks. I long to feel loved and desired. And he usually does. But the problem is that I don't love myself. I lie to myself and say that I do. But I'm admitting here: it's bullshit. I'm fake. I lie to others and put on a show as naturally as breathing. 

I wish I didn't rely so deeply on other's approval. I wish a lot of things. Maybe if I was a different person, life would be better. But the only person I know how to be is me, a gigantic fuck up.

It's late. Good night.

Dazed

My brother passed away. It's been five days. I've drank every night I believe. Puffing away at my smoke. Dissociating. Isolating. I haven't even seen my boyfriend. God knows he's tried. I've rebuked him at every turn. I can't let him see me like this. I can't think straight. I certainly can't act normal. I look like shit and so sad. I'm ashamed of how I'm coping. I even took the week off work.

Tonight: it's Wednesday. I'm drinking. Listening to music. I haven't had much of an appetite lately. My elderly cat sleeps next to me. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. 

Tomorrow: finally will see my man.

I can't think beyond that.

I can't think, period. 

My plan is to finish all the booze in my house (I bought two bottles the other day when I ventured out, numb, looking for further numbing agents). Finish all the pot. Start fresh and sober. I actually had my first weed-free day last week. 24 hours without it. I want to do that again.

I've been out of touch with myself. But I did indulge in some retail therapy, treating myself to a bracelet, a necklace, and a coat. Plus some valentine's day goodies for K.

I want to start some sort of exercise routine and kick my habits. I'm sick of needing to be so fucking "high". Please. I don't get high anymore but the crutch is everything. My brain not firing on all cylinders this week is scaring the hell out of me. I mean, I've grieved before and don't remember feeling this brain-dead. But never before was it a sibling. Who fucking knows.

One day at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day. I must be present. I MUST be present. Presence is everything. The moment is all we really have.

Oh, but my thoughts love to drift...everywhere but here. 

Clearly blogging isn't my focus.

Love & Peace,

Sar