I do not know if making CNN.com my homepage was a good idea or not. Every single day there is a tragic, horrific headline. I am filled with disgust. I can not believe the people in this world. I am so sad. I am so angry. I hate the fact that there is so much hurt, suffering, pain, sorrow, fear. There are accidents that could have been prevented. There are wrongful deaths. There are shootings, stabbing, murderers, people being sentenced to death who in fact are innocent. There are school shootings, drownings, suicide, illegitimate practices; I could go on but I am in no mood to think.
I can't concentrate. My hands are shaking. The keys are being tapped so hard I keep making mistakes and going back with the back space and attempting to fix the word and my original thought gets fucked because my brain is in fight or flight mode and I cannot for the life of me remember what it is I wanted to say. I am so sad. I am so mad. Why. People are so ignorant are stupid and dumb and thoughtless and unintelligent and trivial and superficial and rich and poor and hurting and suffering silently. There is no out. No release. Nothing nothing nothing. I hate this planet sometimes. I hate myself too, for my many imperfections. I screw up like crazy. I make mistakes; I punish myself. I cry and ache and scream and yell and hurt others. I am good at ignoring or just plain forgetting about people. Because I do not always care. I never care. I rarely care. I choose when I care.
My hands are filled with ice and shooting pain, my fingers clenched as if I just braced my entire body for the jolt and breaking glass and screaming silence of a car wreck. My shoulders are tense, my heart is rapid, my breath is ragged. I am tired. I am wired. I have so much to do with no chance of getting it done adequately. This fear and knowledge of failure is propelling me to do what? Not thrive. That is for sure. I am procrastinating and skipping things and will certainly pay for my ridiculous behavior this semester. I do not know where the fuck my head is. I can't feel my heart. I take pride in nothing. Or something so damn simple and superficial it is not worth mentioning, but I will do it now, just to prove myself right. I take pride in getting a guy to notice me or talk to me or buy me a drink or bond with me over scraped knees. The meeting of the eyes, the Cheshire cat smile, the inviting gestures, the hair flip, booty jut, hair twirl, winking, blinking, snickering bitch that I am.
My roommate is another one of those. ^^
She is seriously immature and I have two more weeks and all I am thinking about is suicide or killing her. God bless our souls. I am sorry for my evil thoughts but I am sick and tired and just ready to make moves. I just went to press "Publish Post". I stopped myself. I should not end this post here, that would be too dramatic and too like me. So my last comment tonight will be this. I just watched the film adaptation of "The Hours" by Michael Cunningham. It thoroughly depressed me. I am now sad. I am crying tears like raindrops that wash away this world's innocence and laughter and covers it instead with muddy acid rain. That did not even make sense.