Sunday, November 30, 2008
Here I am sitting at my desk in my dorm, looking at the keys on my laptop keyboard, feeling the hot flow of rich expresso in the form of a starbucks americano. i am here. Here I am. lol. the sun shines during the day, then leaves real early these days. it is all gone by 5 pm and i miss it. i miss the sun and light and warmth. that is all a human really needs, just love and lust in the midday sparkle and glittery sun shining down on the sidewalk, maybe drying up some lingering rain, maybe baking a worm into a tough little turd or changing the chemicals in mayonaisse to something poisoness and not so tasty on your tiny little ladyfingers made with chicken salad, mayo, lettuce, celery, chopped cranberries, and this glorious combination (which i would never eat) is resting atop a tiny piece of sourdough or even toasted italian bread. today is sunday. tommorow is monday. i am sarah. you are you. i like this. i hate this. i like to type hard and let loose my anger on this stupid keyboard which taunts me and tease me throughtout this fucking day! i just want to be able. i just need to do it. why cant i do it. why.why.why. why. tell me why! or at least DO SOMETHING make something happen, even a page, A PAGE, afucking single solitary page of writing for one of my HUGE PAPERS due tomorrow that i havent even started but managed to kill myself with stress this past week just thinking about it, and building this huge mountain in my mind, and not doing one damn thing to relieve this STRESS. JUST STRESSING ABOUT IT. THAT IS ALL I DO. I AM A FUCK UP A FAILURE I AM TIRED OF ME I AM TIRED OF SCHOOL. LAST WEEK AT THIS TIME I HAD OVER A FUCKING WEEK AND WHAT DID I DO? OH THATS RIGHT. NOTHING! NOTHING! GOT HIGH! DRANK! HAD SEX WITH A MAN WHO CONFUSES ME AND FRUSTRATES ME YET GIVES ME JOY! enough is enough my neck is strained and tense my breathing is jagged. my heart is irregular i feel nothing only pain and sickness and sadness. this depression is eating me alive. omg.oh my god. why. why? and yet i am still able to look at the other hand that stupid other hand which saves my sanity. at least i am not a a crack addicted bum sitting on the side of the boulevard begging for handouts and feeling regret when someone hands me an apple because all i really want is money for more crack! at least that is not me but who knows what my future holds because i swear it, i swear, i do not know where i am headed: down the drain or up the path of righteousness. who the fuck even knows any more. seriously. freaking the fuck out. here, now. i am here. it is now. it is time. i am doing this. I HAVE TO DO THIs. i need a reprieve oh wait bad idea because if i get a few hours to myself all i do is surf the internet, eat, do drugs, distract myself. i am so fucking DISTRACTABLE i swear if my head was not attached it would float away and i would worry about getting it back for one second until, i dont know, a giant panda leaps across my view and im like, "oh joy!" and forget the real world and what is REally going on with me.