well hello

well hello

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Anxiety.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, I'm moving tomorrow. I've been waiting all summer for this and I'm as nervous as can be. Therefore I'm sitting here listening to music, drinking coffee, and smoking a peace pipe. My stomach is in knots. I even had breakfast because I felt so anxious; I made scrambled eggs (2) with some mozzarella & 1 slice of whole wheat bread on the side. I didn't even toast it, I just wanted my nervous stomach to go away.
Well it didn't, and now I am also regretting eating and wanting to puke but not wanting to puke so I'll just sit here and write a little, instead.
I have so much to do. I have so much to organize and pack. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, can I do this? Can I do this? can I do this? Can I do this?
I think so, yes.

In other news, I hung with A. last night :) I dressed up; I wore a strapless blue summer dress with a black short sleeve cover up over it, tied in a loose knot. I also wore flip flops. Haha, it makes me laugh thinking about it - because we ended up taking a hike down through a gorge. I got hot and sweaty, but it was exhilarating. He extended his hand a few times, and brought us both a water. He planned for this, I did not; I only planned on looking pretty.

Lol right?

It was actually really cool. I was a trooper. (Plus it was great exercise). It was a nice night and it gave us both a chance to see how the other handled themselves in such a situation. He is kind and attractive. He is not the best listener in the world, but I can tell he tries. We talk about superficial things, for the most part, but last night he said he wanted to talk about things "that matter" like "life plans".

Whoa.

I have no life plans, really, okay that's a lie. I plan to finish college by December. I plan to work my job until then. I plan to seek a job where I move after I graduate. I plan to be happy and thin! So there! I do have plans.

Ugh, I don't know though. We kissed goodbye, he picked me up and dropped me off in his new jeep. He stays on my mind. There is just something holding me back. It's not T. to my dismay. It's me.
It's me me me me me me me and only me.

I'm my own worst enemy. I sabotage my happiness and feelings of accomplishment. I do this because it is what I know, and I think I may be a tad scared of success. Strange, huh?
Who is scared of success? It's not even that I think I'm so great ... I just worry about it? I worry how I'll handle it? I worry that I'd mess it up.

If I apply these worries to A. and I's imminent relationship, then what? More hurt? I can't deal with that. I am not ready to be hurting again.
I mean, everyone hurts every day, in some way. For me, it is always lurking under the surface - this sadness, worthlessness, fear, anxiety, pressure, pain, poison. I usually don't let it bubble over and ruin me. I usually keep shit in. I don't want this/me to be exposed. It'd be salt to my wound; it would be flesh being ripped off.

These are the things I think about: the pain I may or may not but most likely will be feeling down the road.

Oh Sar...

I haven't taken a hit in awhile, let me clear my head.

[I'm moving out of my parent's house tomorrow into my own place. I will be solitary again. Not completely, I'll be with cat. *I can do this*]

move, work, school, stop thinking stop thinking stop it stop this now.

I just want to live in the present.
Tonight I will be with A. again, and then when he goes to work it'll be a final (for now) rendezvous with my best friend.
And that's tonight ... how about I concern myself with now? Like all the packing!
Alright friends, this is goodbye. For now.

Think thin today. I ate breakfast but that's going to have to be it. I plan to conveniently leave when my family is eating dinner. I hate food. Food sucks.

xo.

1 comment:

Bree said...

Good luck moving tomorrow! I bet you looked super foxy on your date. ;) Form before function when it comes to dressing to impress someone, right?
xoxo