I can't remember the last time I blogged. Haven't had much to say, maybe? Nah, that's not it. I just haven't had any energy. The life has been sucked out of me. Too much partying, too many cigarettes, way too much alcohol. Not enough food, then too much food. No sleep, then 12 hours of sleep, then none again. My body is messed up.
I saw T. over the weekend. I went to college town to meet up with him, we got coffee. That was not my purpose for going there, but it sure made my day. The reason I went out there is because Tom (remember him? dude I kissed on Dec.31) invited me to a party. A "retro" party... so I put on a really cute dress and high heels and met up with T. for coffee. And, goddamnit, it was wonderful. He looks as good as ever. He is gorgeous, and well-read, and so nice to talk to. Oh, but he's got a girlfriend. So he's off-limits. FUCK!
It was a mistake, I see that now, because meeting up with him for a little less than an hour made me fall in love with him.
Stupid, stupid Sar.
He gave me some music for my computer, we talked, we sipped coffee. We made eye contact, and oh god his *eyes*. So blue, so perfect.
I made it seem like I was seeing A. Just for leverage I guess. Because I'm definitely not. At the moment I am so sick of every guy I know. I want to feel it like I felt it with T.
And so I'm single. And in my pajamas everyday all day. I am a bum. My room is a mess. My heart has been broken by T. way too many times. He informed me, through text, after we met up, that him and his girlfriend "love each other"...FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER THEN.
Love? Really? I didn't realize you could fall in love after two months. That makes me sick. And jealous.
I've been losing weight since last week's panic. The scale has been going down but I am not satisfied. I won't be, until I hit 130 again. This is fucking ridiculous.
Everyday: I wake up. Do a mirror check. Weigh myself. Hate myself.
Start sipping water. Give in to the hunger pains. Eat something. I've been eating lots of fruits and veggies, luckily, but I also tend to scarf down chips and cookies when no one is watching. It's pathetic.
I'm pathetic. I went and had coffee with another girl's boyfriend. That's all he is, right? It's horrible, just disgusting. If there were no sparks between us it would be so much easier to forget I know him. It would, it really would. But there is that something.
And I can't let it go.
My mom thinks it's because he is attached, unreachable, and committed to another. She says I want what I can't have.
I say, if he's so committed then why the hell did he meet up with me? Oh god, there's holes in my justification and excuses. I am . .. ..... . . . .
I am tired. I have so much to do.
I am in love with a boy who does not feel the same.
I don't understand why this happened.
At least my summer class is done, that's something, I guess. It gave me something to focus on. And now it's over. I am alone. I am avoiding people lately. I am in pain. The fire never leaves my mind. I keep remembering the night it happened. I keep remembering the shock and fear I felt. I also remember how T. was there for me that night...
It's what any friend would do, I suppose. Well no, not just any friend.
I need some advice. How do I forget about this dude? How can I make my heart stop yearning for the impossible?