well hello

well hello

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Diamonds in the sand.

I'm inspired by you all. Your comments highlight my day neon yellow against the usual bleak black and white disordered thinking. I know that my words make a difference. I know that my posts spark a light in you sometimes, compelling you to click "Add Comment", and I love that about you and me. So thanks for that.

Today has been weird. I slept until almost 4 pm. That will happen when I stay up until 6:30 in the morning. My sleep schedule is BEYOND fucked. Last night I went to my best friend's house. We watched a corny movie called "Adventureland" and drank a bottle of wine between the two of us. It was refreshing, just me and my girl, chit-chatting. I needed that and I'm going to really miss it when I return to CollegeTown. I do not look forward to the isolation but I will bury myself in my classes because hell, it's my last semester. I might as well do good and finish with a bang. I mean, my GPA sucks, like completely blows, but whatever. I'll do what I can to raise it a point or two. Hopefully. It's real fucking easy to say that now, sitting in the safety of my parent's house, away from the madness. Ah well, I'll get there when I get there. I'm not making sense: I'm going to hit 'Enter' and start over.

Oh hey, yup I'm still here, blogging. My fingers are flying fast over these damn keys and all I really want to do is tell ya what I ate today, because it's gross. Don't you want to be grossed out? Think thin! Ok, here we go: Starting with this morning: an egg and cheese on english muffin. a peanut butter and jelly on 2 slices of whole wheat bread. After I woke, I had an apple. At dinner I ate a large chopped salad and a baked potato with salsa and cheese.

Good Lord that's a lot of carbs. What the fuck? I am the carb queen most days. *My stomach nods in agreement*.

I'm sitting here, wanting to text T. SO BAD!!!!!! But what would I say? Great advice Flushed, I really do need to CHOOSE to let him go. I just haven't reached that point yet. I don't necessarily want to let him go. I even changed his name in my phone to 'No Texting' LOL I am so sad about this. I know myself, I am only holding on for the hell of it. It's a little rush of excitement, it's the idea of maybe seeing him at work or school once I'm back, it's his eyes, it's everything. It's me being the girl who wants what she cannot easily have. It's the fact that he has a girlfriend and I would like nothing more than to break them up. It's the fact that I hate his girlfriend for being short and skinny and straight-haired (compared to my tall, "curvy", curly-haired self). It's the fact that this October I'll have known him for a whole year, and my stupid ass actually thinks that MATTERS.

Is this borderline obsessive? Am I getting scary? Jeez, lock me up!

Alright, decision made. I just texted him. SIGH!!!!!!! The things I do, but I am a firm believer in Love. I believe that if at first I don't succeed, I should try again. And really, I do want this guy's friendship. My last semester at school will be a lot easier if I'm not fearing running into him. It will be great if we can be like, "Hey, how are you?" in passing.

Oh, who am I kidding??

I want him back, goddamnit damnit damnit damnit!
It's NOT happening right now, Sar! Get a fucking grip, girl!!!!!!!

I need to do what ST suggested, and FOCUS ON ME! What does Sar need? Sar DOES need a pedicure. Sar also needs to organize her stuff. Sar also would reallllly like to kiss a boy. So you know what? I'm going to make that stuff happen.

My head is fuzzy. I am high on living life. I hope it's all going to be ok, I really do.

Think thin, please. I am TRYING TO! Thin is in. Thin = Discipline.

But remember, there IS such thing as "Too Thin". I've seen it. I just want to feel sexy and comfortable with myself, I will never be a walking skeleton, and that's ok! I know what my limits are! Do you?


Charr. said...

I probably should know my limits but I don't.
Sad thing is I'll probably never even be able to push my limits-- too fucking fat to even get near them.
Good luck with T :3

Stick Thin said...

I've learned my limits and i regret that i tried to ever be a walking skeleton. I'm 21 years old, but I feel a lot older. My body is weak and I hope I didn't ruin my life because I wanted to be too thin. Its nice to hear a fellow blogger understand that we can never weigh 0 pounds, going to thin = death.

I hear you on the discipline though. Ugh. I can be very good with disciplining myself, and I can also be very lazy. What scares me is giving up the discipline to some strangers with nice smiles and soft voices, telling me i can recover...sorry...tangent.

I want to be sexy too, like you said. Thanks for helping me out yesterday. I love you!