well hello

well hello

Monday, January 12, 2015


It's been a week and three days since I aborted my baby. I thought I was coping decently. Today, stupidly, I watched a video explaining the life stages from conception to birth with accurate and fascinating pictures. I stared at the seven week picture out of curiosity and the need to feel reconnected. I watched this in the last hour of my workday.

On the way home, driving 60 mph on the thruway, I could feel that tight hot ball of grief-guilt-anger-sadness forming in the pit of my stomach. A tear slid out, my face hardened, enough crying, dammit just drive. Another tear. An escaped sob to assuage the poisonous emotions wrestling to release. I made it home through blurred vision. My cheeks hurt from frowning and holding back tears. My arms, my heart hurts.

My baby is gone. I killed it. No Sarah, you didn't kill anyone. You made a choice to end a life. Ok that sounds a lot like killing.

I need D. Well sorry, he's out of the country. There's no one else you can really talk to. Not family. Friends don't understand.

I killed my baby. Stop. Just fucking stop goddammit.


It's been a week and three days since I aborted my baby. Life has gone on. I recovered, physically, quick. I took my antibiotics and ibuprofen. I hung out with my boyfriend, the only person who has any inkling of knowledge of what I'm going through. He's gone now, away for another month. I've survived a week without him. We've chatted over facebook every day, thank god. I need him so bad right now.

Work has been a decent distraction but it's been too slow with all the snow and the time to think is getting to me. Time is crawling by.

Last week I drank. This week? Hell, maybe I'll write.

Thanks for listening.


K1064 said...

It's difficult.....don't know what else to say other than you will get through it. You have to. Because of this baby, you have to be the best you can be....honor life. Your life. I feel for you and thinking of you. I hope the month goes by fast so you can see your BF again.

Bella said...

I know I don't comment very often, but I just want to reach through the screen and give you the biggest hug. I don't know what to say, I'm just so sorry you're going through this pain. Please let yourself cry if you have to. You need time to grieve and work through things. I just wish there was something I could do to help because my heart aches for you.

Always listening <3