well hello

well hello

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Scarlett letter A

Tomorrow is the big day. I have done a lot of reading and research this week, a lot of talking and crying and over thinking...but I am not in denial. I understand that I was supremely irresponsible, and for that I must pay the consequence which is making an impossible choice.

I know that I am not ready for a baby. I do not want to have a baby this year. Yes, I am 28 years old and plenty old enough to have one, but it is not what I want right now. As you all know, I like doing what I want. Isn't life just a series of decisions regarding what you want next? Hell, they even say if you want happiness you've got to choose it.

As for me, I choose life. MY life.

Of course it is heartbreaking to feel me and D.'s unborn embryo in my tummy. I can definitely feel it, I am a changed woman. I have been able to say aloud "I am pregnant" and know that it is as true as you and me.

It sucks to know that I am choosing not to let our unborn embryo live. It sucks that this had to happen now. It sucks that I was so foolish regarding birth control. It sucks that I will have to live with this choice for the rest of my life.

But maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I will be ok.

I believe this is happening for a reason. What is the life lesson here Sar?

Tomorrow is the big day and I am nervous as can be but also excited for it all to be over. I don't want to be pregnant right now. I don't like feeling nauseous (all day sickness - not just morning). My boobs KILL. I have no sex drive. I have no appetite and then I'm ravenous but nothing sounds appealing. I haven't been able to touch coffee and sushi sounds like the worst thing in the world, two of my previous faves. My mood has been all over the place. My emotions are...insane.

Tomorrow it ends. Tomorrow I walk out of there a free woman. Tomorrow I have to face reality and face myself and forgive myself and love myself and forgive the universe for dealing me this hand.

D. is going with me. It was luckily never a question. He has fluctuated between handling it great and totally freaking out. He is scared of course, and the timing could not be worse as he is leaving the country for a 5 week backpacking trip through central america on monday. We will miss each other and he will do his best to support me over the phone but for the most part I will be leaning on myself.

My parents do not know, nor my siblings. They may never. I have told three close friends and my boss. I am being called on to be strong right now and it will be a real test for D. and I's relationship. I can do this. I will be ok.

I am not in shock anymore. I am borderline accepting of the entire thing. Therapy this week helped a ton. D. is helping a lot. Music and maryjane help.

Thanks for the love and for reading about my life. Tomorrow is the big day and I am asking for your prayers/good vibes that everything goes smoothly. I never wanted to make this decision, you guys. I never wanted any of this but it's here and all I can do is what's best for me and hope to eventually forgive myself.

I'm sorry baby. Mommy is not ready for you yet. I hope and believe that your beautiful and innocent soul will be sent to someone loving, mature, present, financially stable, and ready to devote her life to you. I'm sorry it is not me, not yet.



K1064 said...

Good Luck! Be strong...this is not the right time for you and you're doing the right thing. :)

Katie Elizabeth said...

As heartbreaking as this post is, and maybe it's because I'm having my post pregnancy hormones, it makes me extremely sad. And in no way am I going to guilt trip you because I have been there too, I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I was barely 13 when I got mine done, and it really fucked with me. Of course I was still "developing" (with my mind) and couldn't fathom what I had just done.
I hope things went smoothly and that you are doing ok. If you ever need to talk, feel free to email me. holdensmommy89@gmail.com

Miranda said...

If you feel strongly about doing this then it's the right choice for you and there is nothing wrong with that! Emotionally it is a difficult thing but you are going to be okay and it's great that you have BF support.