I'm scared of what I might do..

What is wrong with me??

I just ordered a large veggie pizza. It will be here in twenty minutes. I am telling myself right now to stop eating after two slices. If I do this right, it will last me for the next few days, and then I won't have to buy junky campus food. In all honesty, I know that an emotional binge is coming on. I guess it's because one my (kinda close) friends S. is choosing to NOT spend my birthday with me; she is going to a concert instead, that she "can't miss". It bothers me, I'm not going to lie. I think she is being selfish. Or am I selfish for assuming one of my friends would want to see me/ take me out for my birthday? Probably, it's just me. I just don't get people. R. has basically ignored/avoided me since last week when he came over and got smoked up. wtf. My family is um... should I say depressing? I love them, but the tension is all consumming. Sometimes I think I feel more than others. I feel like I take on other's pains sometimes, maybe I am just super empathatic. Or maybe I am just distracted.

Either way a pizza is coming. With a side of bleu cheese. At this point I will never have to discipline to become vegan. Fuck my life.

On a positive note, I went to both classes today. No skipping this week.

Today I ate: salad, veggie stirfry and rice, cookie - lunch. organic z bar, dairy queen mocha "moo latte" (minus whipped cream)- dinner. Now pizza. What the FuCk!!!??

What a pig. Way to pig out on junk food you OINKER!!! Oh my, this blog is slowly turning very self-deprecating. Poor me. / not. I need to grow the fuck up. I am about to turn 23 yet I have the smarts and wits as a 16 year old.

[pray I don't eat half of this pizza]

[love]

[peace]

[think][thin]

sad soul and survivor's guilt(less)sar.

Lazy Sundays off. Love it. I need these "do nothing" hours where I can choose to be productive or choose to lounge and take cat naps throughout the quiet afternoon. My kitten is sleeping next to me on the couch, how freaking cute. All I ate today was one gummy vitamin, and one bowl of store brand instant oatmeal made with water in the microwave. Oh, and two bottles of water so far.

I should be with my family today. I am someone who thinks for herself first most of the time:: I sat here for a moment just now with my fingers poised over my laptop keyboard, my heart still, my breathing slowed, and thought about how my heart was breaking.

Binged last night on three medium sized WHOLE GRAIN dinner rolls..with butter.gag. A palak paneer frozen dinner (didn't eat the whole thing). candy bar/I have a nasty sweet tooth .. organic "tortilla dippers" and salsa.

I didn't even try to purge and I felt nasty. I am not horribly bloated from all of that terrible sodium, but drinking tons of water today won't hurt.

I am going to get back to leaning back and being lazy.

Later babes.

xo.

Think Thin!!!

Shadow covers me.

I am so thankful that nothing serious happened to my brother and mother in the car accident they were in today : (

I feel sick (again). I cleaned out my kitten's litter box and felt the need to vomit. I didn't, but could have easily and speaking of my kitten he is thinspiring. I feel his bony back and neck bones. So small, fragile. I feel some of my bones, not nearly enough of them stick out. Soon, though. Merlin (my new kitty) walks away from his food. I love it. I pour it in his dish, he eats 'til he is satisfied, then walks away.

I shall practice that. Smart kitty.

The scale is holding steady at 131-132 ish. At all times of the day : ) I am 5'8, so how bad/fat is this???

Think thin/ Stay strong.

The Beatles rock.

Tired today. I am filled to the brim with anxiety. Knowing that R. was here, in my apartment, looking at my belongings, perhaps judging me on them? seeing my dishes in my sink, seeing my bathroom, the disarray, the kitten, smelling the air, even. People make thousands of tiny observations in minutes. Subconscious, lingering musings. I wonder what he thinks of me.
This post wasn't supposed to be about him. But I feel different today. I ended up writing just one of the two due summaries of the readings. It was decently done, but I just could not make myself read and write about the second one. I went to bed for approximately 2 1/2 hours. I woke, showered, shaved my legs (?), took bus to school, went to my favorite class so far, Metaphysics, stayed awake & took notes, got food (1/2 veggie panini, no cheese, handful of chips, pickle, cut up fruit...ugh fat ass), walked home, facebooked, passed the eff out. Woke an hour before my second class to get ready, used the bathroom, literally sleep-walked upstairs and into bed. For 3 hours I slept, then woke again pissed at myself and knowing that R. coming over at 2 in the morning on a school night was a bad, bad idea.

Tremendous, exploding, trailing stars...

Be still my heart.

I am visibly trembling. R. just left. I can't believe he was here, I just can't believe it. I am shook.

We had sex 3 times. Months apart. Last time being July, and then 2 weeks later he got a girlfriend. We stopped talking completely; we were never "talking" before (just fucking & playing games) so it was easy to stop.

My heart is racing, it is starting to cease. It it 3:18 am and I have class at 9:30 and at least 17 more pages of reading and two reading summaries to complete. To start, actually. Fuck. I feel sick. My stomach is twisting and turning. I was jumpy around him, as usual. Shaky. But cool. I mostly listened. We smoked a lot, then a cigarette each. The first two cigs smoked in my apartment. Anything for him.

He makes me want to stop eating. He always has. He is tall, skinny, gorgeous. Thinner than my curvy self, that's for sure. But he said once that I had "great boobs" and I "felt good". Idk. Now my head is starting to split with exhaustion. And stress. And to be honest, hunger.

I ate today: apple, lentil soup, carrot sticks, slice of thick bread, slice of cheese pizza (with bleu cheese), salad (no cheese or croutons, MINIMAL fat free italian dressing, green tea, black coffee, 60 cal juice box, fiber one yogurt. * I am not even going to bother adding the calories because the sheer size of it will surely devastate me. Fail for food for the day. I need to do something now, either go to sleep and say fuck the homework, or do the homework and say fuck sleep. I am truly to tensed up to sleep at the moment, but I am sure that the moment I hit my bed I will pass the eff out.

Shout out to my followers : ) Thanks for reading.

Love <3 Sar

Think Thin.

It's early.

Second day of class. I already saved some homework to do before it starts at 9:30. Typical of me, I go on and on about how I want to prepare and follow my routine. Well I am not off to a great start. Yesterday I didn't eat until lunch, then has salad and half of a veggie panini at school. Then nothing until about five hours later, when I ate 3/4 of a Luna bar. Yum. Then I went shopping with my friend and got high before and after. Needless to say that is where I fucked up. I got the munchies and ate a bag of apple chips (not terrible), a Cliff Kids bar, SHELLS AND CHEESE, tiny bag of sunchips...what the hell happened there?? It just goes to show..when I don't eat breakfast I get super hungry and weak towards the end of the night.

Then I threw up. : /

It was easy, but I really feel like I stopped it sort of early. It is exhausting and terrifying, this power I have over my body. Mind over matter. I am so tired today. My stomach feels incredibly full still. No food today. I WILL get to school early enough (I walk!!!) to grab a black coffee before Philosophy. That is my morning plan. I will be out of class at 11, so here's hoping I don't cave and get lunch again :( Maybe if I keep it tiny, low cal, and low fat...like an apple, or another salad. We will see..I have a 3 hour break between classes, so how about I try to NOT fuck up today?

Oh one good thing, last night I passed on dinner at the buffet style dining hall on campus with some friends. I knew that it would be hard to resist the deliciousness that awaits me there. Ok, got to go unfortunately. I need to shower and do this homework; I love reading your blogs, and my own, day and night, first thing in the morning (to check for comments). It is thinspiring. I will do good today. I do not want to b/p..it is so not worth it. Ok STAY STRONG & THINK THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN.

p.s. my kitten is totally hyper this early in the morning, I wish I had his energy..

Can't you see?

I'm feeling quite strange. I talked to my mom for awhile, she tries to make me feel better, and I love her for it. But there is no consoling my lost soul. I hurt. I am literally damaging myself. And for what? To be thin. What will that do for me? Shall I consider this, I will be more confident in my skin, I will be less self conscious. I will be able to wear all of my clothes. There are so many shorts, jeans, tank tops, and shirts that I just can't wear. I look to fat in them. They don't fit right. It is sad to say but the last six months or so I definitely gained weight. It is a fact. It is not in my head. Early this year, when I was dating B., I was so skinny. I wanted him to feel my bones and he liked it. He would cup my hip bones, rub my ribs and shoulders. Ugh, but I can't think about his touch. I am horrified that we dated, but that is another story for a different time. The memories of that time in my life are jagged and sharp; they hurt my brain, they hurt my heart.

Onward. I truly need to do so much. I think about it all, and it weighs on my mind so heavily. I am moving tomorrow. I have barely packed; all my posters are still hanging, all my drawers are full, and my clothes are folded in my dresser and hanging in my closet. Ha. Sigh. Pause in thought, a quick look up. I can't believe this whole b/p thing. It only started a couple of months ago. It is seriously gross, but I kind of like it. I don't like when I can't fully do it. I do like when it happens fast, it is relieving. How fucked up is that?

I think I need to quit smoking pot for awhile. I have no money anyway. It is out of hand as well. I smoke all day every day. I just smoked my last bowl. I have no more, and no cash. I am going to take a quick resin hit, hold on. That was so not worth it. Ahh. This blog is a weird thing. I share more here than I would ever share with anyone. I do feel quirky urges to tell people I throw up my food, almost as if I were proud of such a horrendous act. Like they would be worried for me or something. Lol.

I am listening to Hanson on YouTube. "Thinking of You" to be exact. Talk about a throwback band. I used to looove those boys. I was constantly made fun of for it. Come to think of it, looking back, I was always getting picked on. No wonder I have mental issues and an eating disorder. No wonder I am an anti-social, pot-addicted hermit. No wonder when I get someone one on one I start babbling away as a desperate way to impress and/or make a friend.

I hurt. My heart is inside me, I can't feel it beating right now. But it is, it is keeping me alive for some reason. I have anxiety-ridden dreams and fears that today or tomorrow will be the day that I die. You guys reading won't know. This blog could just be another unfinished work of non-fiction floating through the world wide web. But I will be gone. All of my stuff will be looked through, wow this is getting depressing, I can't even finish that thought.

I need to get off my ass and pack. At least I haven't eaten anything since earlier's b/p session. My stomach aches. This is kind of a long post, oh well, at least I am "writing". I don't work again until Friday, which sucks. Note to self: remember how bored I feel when there is nothing to do. Come next Monday, when college starts back up, I will be frantic and busy every day. I need to stay on top of it, therefore I need to cut back hardcore on the pot smoking.

I also need to do the dishes, fuck. There are all of these stupid fruit flies swarming me that just want to feast on the congealed and soggy food in the sink drain cap. Well fuck you flies, I will windex your ass. It feels good to kill those fucks. Wow, violent?? If you have read all of this, then God bless you. These rambling antics of mine are out of order and nonrelevant to my "pro ana/mia" blog. Good night to you!

Fail.

Today has been the worst day. I started out right, by sleeping very late and then eating two bananas and some weight control oatmeal. I should have stopped there. I wanted to stop there. Except, in the apartment above mine a new carpet was being nailed down. This means all day long I was listening to banging and stomping and loud noises. My head still hurts... I wanted to escape and go spend money I don't have. So I drove to the grocery store. My credit card was burning a hole in my wallet. I have been using it sooo much haha, and here is why I am a pathetic waste of life: I buy food, stuff my face, then purge. What. the. fuck. Here is what I ate : bulk candy, a "guiltless gourmet" microwavable wrap, watermelon, and 3/4 of a whole grain baguette (dipped in butter). I am such a fat ass. I did everything wrong. I should have ate the watermelon first. But I ate it last. So of course throwing up any of that disgusting, carb-filled bread was an IMPOSSIBILITY. I am so mad at myself. I am so weak. I am terribly lazy. I have packed nothing for the big move tomorrow. God, I hate myself right now. I couldn't even purge right. The only thing that came out was the watermelon, figures..the healthiest thing comes out. The bread stays in. AHHHHH.

I need to be thinner. I need to stop this "omg I need to eat" thought process. Honestly I WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY this afternoon when I got back from the store. I hate you, bulimia. I truly do. I am now finally figuring out the fact that throwing up is not going to make me thinner. It is just making me feel SICK. So here I am, sitting here feeling awful; I tried purging for a good 30 minutes and FAILED.

I hate me.
I hate food.
I hate me.
I hate food.

I especially hate FAILING AT LIFE. I can't even fucking puke, for god's sake. I need to FAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now I have all this food here! Because I spent another $30 today that I DON"T HAVE. My credit card bill is going to be through the roof....if only half of the food I bought actually stayed in my body.

No food for the rest of the night. None. No excuses.

Remember Sar, how you feel right now. Worthless, FAT, full, FAT, disgusting, FAT, weak, broke, and FUCKING FAT.

Eating did this. Damn food. I hate you I hate you I hate you Ihateyou.

I am gritting my teeth, my muscles are tense. I need to scream.

Can I be tiny?

I don't need friends. Just family. I am so glad I introduced my two friends..and that they spent the whole day together, and are now going to the bar. I was invited, yes. But being anti-social comes a little more naturally. I would rather just be alone. Is it hard to tell if I am being sarcastic? It is to me, I don't know how I feel. Kind of numb. I just cried my eyes out to my mom. It felt good, draining but helpful. I needed to get some stuff out, my buyer's remorse, my issues, blah blah. This past weekend was insane. Busy and chock-full of drama. I suppose I prefer it this way. Gives me something to focus on other than myself. Eating has become foreign and impossible. I feel as if I never ate normally, or thought of food without thinking of calories/how fat it would make me. Today: chocolate covered macadamia nuts (prob 600 cal worth). sugar free licorice (100 cal). one minute brown rice cup (230 cal). I am so disgusted with myself. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FASTING DAY. wtf??

I was doing well. No food at work this morning, none after. Then I remembered I needed to fill my prescription (for ocd/depression/anxiety). Definitely don't want to miss one of those babies, it messes with me. So I drove to the drug store in the scorching heat and started craving candy while waiting for the refill. This is when I purchased the chocolate and licorice. I also got gummy vitamins!! One of those a day will hopefully keep hunger pains at ease!!

I ate two laxatives a few hours ago. They have already taken affect, but not with the results I hoped for. I am bloated, partly because I got my period early since I missed a pill, partly because I filled up hardcore on those chocolate covered macadamias. They were expensive, but goooood.

Fast tomorrow for real. Today would have been good if I didn't get those macadamias. At least I am hungry now. This means my stomach is empty :) This puts a slow, sly smile on my face.

I love MGMT!

t hi n k th i n

starve tomorrow, your body needs it, to detox, to purify, to feel freedom.

Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels.

Nasty chemicals in all processed food make you fat and lazy. They make you crave that shit. And then it kills you. It's called 'population control'.

TO DO: Lots of stair climbing to melt the fat and cellulite on my tHiGhs!!!!!
Finish laundry!
Move!
Blog!

<3

peace peeps, just so you know it feels great to type out all of this, thanks for reading :)

Mad.

I hate being so weak. I do good, then bad. Wtf was that last night? I totally binged out...I am so sick of it. Why can't I be content without stuffing my face so late at night? If I would have went straight to bed I wouldn't be so exhausted right now, before work. But noo... I had to go nuts on string cheese, ww cookies, broccoli, and spaghetti-o's mixed with mushrooms???? eww..I remember after shoveling several large spoonfuls in my mouth that I started to feel grossed out. Luckily I didn't finish the bowl. But still. God. I can't even begin to calculate/imagine my total number of calories yesterday. Ahh. So what I deserve is to starve. Fast today. No food. No more being a fatass. Oh my, I am so bloated, I hate life!!!!

Ahahihifdhsgihai honlaoa js

No food today. Nothing. Nada.

Eric Clapton Unplugged.

Hey, today is the day, I have a hair appointment at 2 pm..yay! No I cannot afford it, but I desperately want to liven up my look, so highlights should do the trick. I have so much shit I should be doing, it is terrible. I am lazyyy. Oh to be internally motivated. I rely on devices such as pipes. I went grocery shopping last night and spent $40. I got a lot..but not a ton, I just like the healthier, pricier food. Amy's organic tv dinner, weight watchers 90 cal cookies (ha), bananas, body lotion, tp, whatev. It's all just stuff, isn't it? Stuff to eat or use. If I never ate I would save so much money.

I need to clean this place so bad, I am living a sloppy life. Right now I am sitting here wearing only a thong and tee. I need to be reminded of these thighs though..fuck, they are flabby. Gross. If that is not motivation right there, then what is? I haven't touched my guitar. I haven't worn ANY of the clothes that I've bought recently. The two skirts I bought honestly don't fit right. They are tight. I feel like I keep rhyming, but I ain't no rapper, word.

If you were wondering yes I am high right now. My writing is scatter-brained. I am nervous about taking the blonde plunge. I like my brown hair, it is comfortable. I suppose stepping outside of my boundaries is potentially scary. Seriously, Sar. Get a grip, it's just hair. I just have these worries, I don't want to damage my hair by the bleach; it is a genuwine concern and I have to ask, what the fuck? I am lost. I don't know what I am saying. I am just moving these fingers in short directions, quickly and tediously. I should remove my half off toenail polish, perhaps that will jumpstart my morning.

What I ate yesterday:
1 Amy's vegan dinner (290 cal)
1 ww oatmeal raisin cookie (90 cal)
couple handfuls of candy corn (300 cal?)
2 sargento light string cheeses (50 cal each)
1 bag light popcorn (275 cal)

Ugh... Right now I am eating a banana. Hopefully today will be a real good day.

No sleep & I'm hyped.

Hello there Mr. Blog.

I have addictions. Cigarettes, marijuana and caffeine are my daily vices. Starving* is another.

*or should I say, trying to starve..I seem to give in from time to time.

Tuesday: 2 bananas, 1 frozen applesauce cup (delicious!!!), 2 cappuccinos, 1 dove chocolate pb bar (180 cal), 1 package of swedish fish (150 cal). The candy was a terrible idea, my teeth felt so rotten. But my overall intake was still low. Low calories intake numbers make me feel happy and light and strong-willed.
Wednesday: 1 power bar (240 cal), split fries with my friend at amusement park (350 cal? I did use ketchup), 2 beers, 1 glass of wine. That's it !! Admittedly, it is a lot of empty calories...beer is fattening and wine makes me feel bloated. But I was awake early yesterday, and stayed up all day and night. Seriously, it is 9:30 am and I haven't gone to sleep yet. I will soon though, too bad it's gorgeous outside and I would love to be out there, full of energy, playing frisbee or something. Just kidding, me? sports?

My weight has stayed steady at 135 these past couple of day. I need to get it down, I am so disgusted with my fat stomach, hips, and thighs. They need to reduce! I am pleased with my arms & legs (most of the time) and my neck, hands, and back aren't awful. But my midsection, fuck. Oh sure, "I have a womanely body" .. umm don't want it. Not sure about kids someday so no need for these "child-rearing hips". Gag me with a stick, man.

I apologize, my brain is not working. I can't think, my mind is black and blank. I suppose sleep and a hearty breakfast would fix that..NOT. No breakfast. Wow. I am so pathetic, I only just remembered something bad. On the way home from R. (city 2 hours away), I pulled into a rest stop and got a fruit explosion muffin from Tim Hortons and a black coffee. I ate the whole muffin, this was a couple hours ago now, but let me tell you. It was a tasty treat, and I still feel skinny. As soon as I got home, like always, I stripped naked and examined my body from the front and sides. Looking better, but not quite. Yesterday I saw so many gorgeous, thin, tiny girls. Like I was basically staring at this younger chick's jeans thinking to myself, "My arms could wear those, not my legs though, with these thunder thighs".

I need and want to post pictures soon (with my face left out). If I did, would it be possible to get real, objective feedback??

Nervous.

In exactly two weeks I will have just completed my first day of college. I am nervous for school to start back up. I want to be thinner and will be. I want to be well dressed with nice shoes. I want to PLAN. I want to be organized. I want to study everyday, just for the sheer joy of learning more and reading constantly. I want to smoke less. Cigs & pot. I want to get up early enough every day so that I can enjoy the energizing 15 minute walk to school, rather than speed walk or take the bus.

I want to participate in my classes, like usual, but more than that, I want to have a deep understanding of what is being taught to me so that my questions are more valid than demented.

I want to be skinny as fuck. Seriously I am not lying when I say that I have love handles. I see them in the mirror, I feel them with my hands. I need to cut them off, or exercise them away. I have a destination, it is the 1.3 miles I walk to T.W. and back. I will walk that tomorrow. Did I mention that I am about to move upstairs, to the 4th floor? Yeah man. Mad exercise, nice leg toners. Hopefully the hips and thighs attached to my detached body will disappear, and remain gone far longer than I am.

I met a boy, Saturday. He is gorgeous, looks like Mick Jagger, without the scars. And much younger {but older than me} and just sexy. Problem? Yep, he has a girlfriend. Ha, just realized I didn't even mention his angelic, sincere personality. What a dreamboat. Oh, to get what I want. Well I swear that next time he sees me I will be looking gooood. He is so skinny. He lives about two hours away, so it should be awhile before I see him, but the goal is defintely to lose 20 pounds. Possible to do in a month? I wonder..

This is unfocused. I have been restricting hardcore. I binged and purged last night; it had been awhile, but again, I was surprised at how easy it was. It is truly horrible to make yourself puke, truly, madly, disgustingly crazy. Why the hell am I doing this? Oh yeah, to lose weight. Ha. It's working a little. My collar bone looks nice. My hips are a daily check and it's either yes or no. They are either pointy and sharp, or dull and fleshy. The latter days are the worse, constant beating myself up and obsessively staring in mirrors. I weigh myself several times of day. I bought a cloth tape measure and have my stats. but am too embarrassed to admit much. But I suppose I can tell you lovely readers my height: 5'8, weight 135, bust 36, waist 30, hips 36 1/2, and thighs 21 1/2. Those stats were all from the last time I checked maybe last week. However my weight was just checked today. I am seeing the scale move, s l o w l y. I want it to creep down five more pounds, then ten.. then twenty : )

I am so restless tonight. My fingers and back hurt. I work tomorrow, yay. Well good night everyone, or good morning; it's fucking late here. Hopefully I'll actually be able to sleep without being tortured by vicious and vivid nightmares.

Quickie.

To do: Get ready for concert tonight (obv).

but later.. pack stuff in boxes. find someone to switch with me for the wedding I was just invited to next Sat!!! By a cute guy ; ) Also, email Dr. G. Ted S. (school shit). set aside $ for credit card (already outta control). work tomorrow at 7 pm. umm. Yeah. can't think. hope this coffee kicks in. Oh man this whole starving, then eating some, then FEELING IT, then starving again, plus coffee, is making me feel s i c k. No energy, horrible, restless nights and nightmares. Smaller smile. Social avoidance. Gah. What to do, how to act, what to eat, drink, smoke...my stomach honestly feels just rotten. Help...

More tomorrow I think, including the details of my fast.

30 hours in ...

Since Wednesday night all I have ate is one low fat pudding cup and about ten blueberries. I am proud of myself, and not going to stop now. Oddly enough I feel no hunger pains. I am smoking right now, so some will more than likely creep up. I know this may occur, therefore I am prepared. No eating. I work until 7:15, so depending on how I feel by then, I may eat. That is a big if I feel like it.

Loving Amy Winehouse's cd "Back to Black"...amazing songs, her voice is haunting. I can't stop listening to these slow, sad songs. Last night was really fun by the way. I definitely got hit on by a handsome 30 year old. Wow 8 year difference..crazyness. He was very tall and skinny, with narrow features and a deep voice. He gave me his number on a piece of paper offered from the bar tender..old fashioned or what...ha.

Think thin people! It is soo inspiring to discover how many blogs there are concerning this type of behavior, whatever that means. I am afraid to say "pro ana"..it sounds so...hmmm. Don't know exactly. But I couldn't imagine being "for" starving. I wish I was normal is what I am trying to say. And at the SAME TIME all I want is to be extremely thin. Whatta hyprocrite.

Time to get ready for work, fun. Just wanted to post a quick one to get some random thoughts out of the way, including my fast! Which, in the time it took to write this, I forgot all about. Muahahaha I am going to lose pounds! Can't wait : )

Proud.

It has been 24 hours since anything solid has passed through my mouth. I apologize, I am drunk. I completed a one day fast! This makes me ecstatic!

Ok 30 minutes later, A. just left, we smoked, how ironic: the other night I had a dream we were fucking. He has a gf. Oh well, it was just a dream, and tonight just a bowl session. Ok it was 2:10 am when we met up. It is now 3. I am so drunk off vodka & soda waters, my new low cal favorite mixed drink. I have not ate. I am thinking about going to bed without eating, therefore stretching my first ever fast into two days. I kind of want to, but my stomach hurts, and thinks food would make it feel better. How about this. Maybe I will just eat something very small. Hmm. I think it would not make me feel better.

I think I will just chug some water and try to fall asleep. I already know I will be puking up alcohol in the morning before work.

I am so fucked up, fuck. A. is hot, but shorter than me (big turn off). I am in need of some action. My body hurts and my tummy wants food. Ow. Blah. I feel powerful, I am so so happy I didn't cave at all today. I drank: water, black coffee, and one diet snapple [plus 1 double vodka/soda h20 and one single]. My head aches right now. I need to stop typing, this is hard to do, any everytime I spell something wrong and the red line appears under a word I HAVE to fix it, I must, or I go a little crazy inside.

Summer blues.

I am listening to Simon & Garfunkel. I am stoned out of my mind. I took a late afternoon nap and have not ate anything since. It is almost midnight and I feel like a fat whale in my new black yoga pants. They are so comfortable, but not as comfortable as being completely naked. All morning I lay around nude. It is like reverse-thinspo every time I look down or in the mirror, which is quite often. I lose myself in the mirror. Who is this person staring back, right in the eyes? Then she scans her gaze down my body; judging; critiquing. It is a painful process, but it must be done. I need to be aware of my looks every minute. I need to know if my shirt is riding up, or if my thong is hanging out of my jeans, or if I look fat in this, fat from the front, fat from behind, fat from the side, fat face today, arm chunk slipping out of my tank top.

Lord help me. My employer preached the good word to me the other day at work. Ha. He can talk, I will listen, but I do think it is not appropriate at the workplace. I don't need to hear his opinions on this and that; I want to hear, "You're getting a raise". Dreams, without them I would be scarce, invisible. They provide me amusement, seriously something I crave during the day, a little flashback. "Oh yeah, I dreamt this". I wish it were true. I wish I got laid by two different men in two days, nah, only in my dreams.

So here is what I ate today, from the hours of 12 pm to 12 am. I measure my intake by calories:
Banana (60 cal), 2 pudding cups (120 cal), weight watchers yogurt cup (80 cal), veggie chips (300 cal), 3 rice cakes (180 cal),a veggie burger dipped in mustard (200 cal), Reeses snack bites (100 cal), 2 string cheeses (160 cal), oatmeal (100 cal), 2 more string cheeses (160 cal).

Total: 1135 cal for the day. Not horrible, but no good. I am obsessed with dairy lately, this is probably why I am gaining so much. I have been devouring string cheese and yogurt. I crave ice cream. Why am I craving dairy, I wonder?? Another question, what is the lowest fat and best tasting yogurt? [From Walmart or Tops]

I lost my train of thought, I guess seeing that huge number of calories I injested today makes me nauseaus. At least I know I won't be stuffing my face any time soon, I already did that for the day. But hey! It's Thursday now, a new day, a day to fast? I want to try!! I always get hungry after several hours and tell myself that eating a bit is "what's best for me". Well fuck that! I want to get skinny.

When I go shopping I obsess over labels. I should be more specific, food shopping, I always have to buy low fat, fat free, sugar free. Mostly I look for fat free, low sodium, LOW CALORIES. I do not always worry about the sugar content on the nutritional facts, however. Is sugar ultimately fattening? I fear fat, carbs, and sodium the most for sure. How about you guys out there, fellow bloggers??

I can't type, can't concentrate, all I can think about is tomorrow and what I may or may not eat. I work, and at work are so many food options, it's TERRIBLE.

I have been looking at some incredible thinspo today, and let me tell you, I need to be that. I am sick of this. . .

Depressed beyond belief.

What a shitty friday. It is 12:30 am, just got outta work and so hyped up from a red bull and a cappuccino, but not doing anything apparently. My life is a fucking joke. I need some friends. I need a constructive hobby. I need human touch and passion. My forlorn body aches for companionship and from rejection. I hatttteeee this. Why why why why.?.?.? I am anti-social around girls, I am overly aggressive towards guys, I repel everyone. Now all I want to do is get high and forget everything. Oh my gosh I am seriously sad right now. My parents have been fighting like crazy, probably headed for a divorce after twenty-something years; I wouldn't be surprised at all. I am lost. I need to be found. How the hell do I find myself?? Seriously I need answers, guidance, direction..all those good things I try to pass on to my younger brother. I am the one who needs it most..

My teeth hurt from sugary caffeinated beverages..actually my red bull was sugar free, and the capp. was fat free..so that is good at least. And foodwise today I have done decent. Just a diet snapple, a lime fiber one yogurt, a can of corn, some mixed fruit and a bowl of oatmeal made with water. Ok, weird fucking combo I know. My brain is too shot, and too wired to attempt to add my total calorie intake for the day. I am guessing somewhere around 700 (liguid cal.incl).

Not horrible, but next time no oatmeal...e vi ll l ll carbs. Sigh. Time to smoke. I am hungry, but just not willing to head down that complicated path. I really have nothing here to eat anyways. All I know is I am so so sad. And alone, all alone. There is soo much more to say, so much more I could type here, but my shoulders are weary and my head heavy and it is hard to be creative when depression squeezes every part of my body into an unrecognizable piece of twisted, torn flesh.

Hate.