Nervous.

In exactly two weeks I will have just completed my first day of college. I am nervous for school to start back up. I want to be thinner and will be. I want to be well dressed with nice shoes. I want to PLAN. I want to be organized. I want to study everyday, just for the sheer joy of learning more and reading constantly. I want to smoke less. Cigs & pot. I want to get up early enough every day so that I can enjoy the energizing 15 minute walk to school, rather than speed walk or take the bus.

I want to participate in my classes, like usual, but more than that, I want to have a deep understanding of what is being taught to me so that my questions are more valid than demented.

I want to be skinny as fuck. Seriously I am not lying when I say that I have love handles. I see them in the mirror, I feel them with my hands. I need to cut them off, or exercise them away. I have a destination, it is the 1.3 miles I walk to T.W. and back. I will walk that tomorrow. Did I mention that I am about to move upstairs, to the 4th floor? Yeah man. Mad exercise, nice leg toners. Hopefully the hips and thighs attached to my detached body will disappear, and remain gone far longer than I am.

I met a boy, Saturday. He is gorgeous, looks like Mick Jagger, without the scars. And much younger {but older than me} and just sexy. Problem? Yep, he has a girlfriend. Ha, just realized I didn't even mention his angelic, sincere personality. What a dreamboat. Oh, to get what I want. Well I swear that next time he sees me I will be looking gooood. He is so skinny. He lives about two hours away, so it should be awhile before I see him, but the goal is defintely to lose 20 pounds. Possible to do in a month? I wonder..

This is unfocused. I have been restricting hardcore. I binged and purged last night; it had been awhile, but again, I was surprised at how easy it was. It is truly horrible to make yourself puke, truly, madly, disgustingly crazy. Why the hell am I doing this? Oh yeah, to lose weight. Ha. It's working a little. My collar bone looks nice. My hips are a daily check and it's either yes or no. They are either pointy and sharp, or dull and fleshy. The latter days are the worse, constant beating myself up and obsessively staring in mirrors. I weigh myself several times of day. I bought a cloth tape measure and have my stats. but am too embarrassed to admit much. But I suppose I can tell you lovely readers my height: 5'8, weight 135, bust 36, waist 30, hips 36 1/2, and thighs 21 1/2. Those stats were all from the last time I checked maybe last week. However my weight was just checked today. I am seeing the scale move, s l o w l y. I want it to creep down five more pounds, then ten.. then twenty : )

I am so restless tonight. My fingers and back hurt. I work tomorrow, yay. Well good night everyone, or good morning; it's fucking late here. Hopefully I'll actually be able to sleep without being tortured by vicious and vivid nightmares.