On the eve of the new year

New Year's Eve.

Guess who ended up black out drunk and making out with my friend's brother at the party last weekend? I'm a fucking mess sometimes, man. Just didn't eat enough and was mixing liquors. Definitely regret it. Apparently I called D. when I was blacked out and was rambling on about how guys were hitting on me...and who knows what else.

Needless to say I feel like a cheater. I am technically not but this is a big secret I'm keeping from him. I feel like I betrayed him. Which I did. The first couple days after "the incident" I was extra sweet, because I felt bad, and then we fought and it was like a flip switched, like I had to be as nasty and terrible as possible, because I'm so fucking guilty and my only option is to make him leave me for good. Or so it feels.

I've been drinking a lot, too much. Bought champagne and vodka for tonight (I'm staying in, alone) and look forward to forgetting the madness. Hoping to pick up some pot which is why I haven't poured a drink yet. We'll see. If I don't hear from him by 8 it's booze time.

A little good news..I found out today that I'm traveling for work again in January. We are going to Florida! I'm from the cold northeast so this will be great. Hoping against hope there will be an hour or two for me to sneak away and be by the ocean. I crave the ocean so much, I dream of it. We'll see though. It's just gonna be me and my boss.

I feel like I'm gaining weight in my stomach. It's bothering me and I don't think it's all in my head. Drinking
+

Zero exercise

=

Fatty

Therefore, I pledge to GET MY ASS IN SHAPE. Hello 2016! Yes I still wear XS but that doesn't mean I don't have a gut. I need to look great especially since I'm single and turning 30 this year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, LOVES!

Thanks for listening and being a decent part of my life. Be safe tonight! Think thin! Also, think positive! It really does help..

LOVE, PEACE, XO

~Sar~

Headed to a party

It's Saturday night and I'm drinking a glass of wine listening to music getting ready and about to leave for a Christmas party! Gonna stop at the store and grab some chocolate covered popcorn first as a party gift. And some alcohol too obviously. I'm excited but tired, I could easily skip it but it's important for me to get off my butt and go socialize every once in awhile. I need to get out of my head.

I had a decent Christmas, didn't overeat but my pants feel tight today. Could all be in my head. I got some cool gifts including a kitchen food processer/blender. I'm going to make protein shakes with veggies and fruits etc. Trying to start getting more nutrients. I'm so damn tired all the time, and it's not just from the anemia. Still taking iron and my color is better but the fatigue is a burden.

Saw D. xmas eve we fucked as per tradition. 5 times last year 4 times this year. I have decided that whatever this is is working for me. I can't do super serious and responsible right now. I just need to get laid once in awhile and have someone to talk to. So I'm cool, for now.

Gotta go, will update again soon.

Peace, XO
Sar

Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity..

or don't, because as good as my intentions are I am one lazy motherfucker and would totally get it if you read that and said nice idea but fuck it.

Quarter to nine at night and I'm getting high. Went shopping with my mom after work. I picked out two sweaters for Christmas. She also got me a hat, scarf, and slippers.

I am trying to be in the spirit of things, but it is an effort. The weather has been unseasonably mild, which has been great, but usually around this time of year there is snow. It is a cue that the holidays are here.

Ah, 2015. I am glad you are coming to an end. My grandmother died last month. Two months ago my brother moved to California. I am officially the last sibling left in our area. The most intense complex and difficult relationship I've ever experienced recently ended. It has been a troubling year.

No New Years Eve plans...yet. We'll see what happens.

Yes, of course I have talked to D. since I last posted. We ended things but the conversation hasn't stopped. I should despise him, but I don't. I can't. He has said some cruel shit to me. And here I am, still hooked in a way. I am not being Sally Girlfriend to him but I am loyal to our non existent relationship and him. I haven't touched anyone else and have no plans to. I'm telling myself to keep an open mind. It's been stressful, needless to say. Some days are tearful, others destructive.

I haven't been taking the best care of myself. Eating like shit kind of and drinking wayy too much. Smoking both cigs and pot constantly. Spending money recklessly. Not exercising. Always exhausted. Abusing coffee.

My period was right on time this month. For a solid two weeks prior I was convinced that he knocked me up again. My boobs were killing me. Took a test, it was negative, I burst into tears.

I hoped it would be positive. The smallest tiniest voice in my soul wanted it and I could barely admit it to myself but I knew. I know me. I've wanted for months to redo my mistake. I want another chance.

THERE ARE NO SECOND CHANCES. You fucking idiot.

I did what I did and now I pay.

I can't hate myself forever but holy shit am I punishing myself and grieving like fucking crazy.
It was this time last year. I found out the day after Christmas.

So maybe that's why I don't feel too festive. It's just everything lately.

xx

Hysterics and Thanksgiving part two

I finally bought myself a laptop. Brand new. On black friday for $150!!! Not bad, not bad. I am connected to my neighbor's wifi and getting used to the keys. It is working well so far.

It is one on saturday afternoon and I woke an hour ago. I have called D. approx 40 times and texted him like 28 times in the past hour. He sent me one text waking me up calling me names and that all was my response. Nothing back. His usual cruel games. We broke up so why do I keep falling for this shit???

I am supposed to be en route to my mom and dad's house but I haven't even showered. Like I said, been making a lot of hysteric calls, crying, smoking a cig outside in the chilly air, and drinking coffee. And now, blogging.

My parent's are having ANOTHER thanksgiving dinner for her side of the family today (we went to my dad's side on the actual holiday) so this basically means TWICE the family madness, TWICE the wine, TWICE the calories. Blah. I have been constantly full with all this family togetherness because my sister is also in town. We had spaghetti the other night, pizza last night, etc. I just gotta be strong and smart.

Maybe I gained a pound, maybe not. I'll hop on the scale when I get there today. I am still thin. I am not too worried. Just want some alone time with my new computer.

I gotta just breathe. And go get ready. Fuck I love when my sis is in town but it's 25 min to and from their house so a lot of driving and GOD KNOWS I am not sleeping there on the couch, even though it would be easier. Fuck it! I need to come back to my chill apt and blaze, man. Be back tonight. Have a good day, all!

I'm back bitches!!!!!


XO
Sar

Hello, old friend

I didn't bother to read my last post here. It was probably more of the same woe is me crap. Depression, anxiety, addiction, and heart break - same as it ever was. For the last time I am writing these words: me and D. are done. It is finally official. How am I feeling? Pretty alone, but pretty fucking fed up. Our relationship was shitty from the start, with good points scattered here and there. Those good times kept me going for 14 months, and now, to quote girls everywhere, "I can't even.".Of course I am hurting. I feel a raw dull ache deep inside. I feel alone. But I know I am not, really. I have friends, family, and coworkers who care. Hell, the patients that come to our office even care. Is it enough? We'll see.

Just smoked my first cigarette of the day. Sipping coffee, feeling my pulse quicken, my fingers are hesitant over the keys, as if I've never typed before. It's been far too long since I've blogged here, though I have been writing, in a notebook of all places.

Man it just sucks. All of it sometimes, being alive, being a woman, being single now. It is hard to believe that we will not work, that he is just a part of my past, a crappy chapter in the book of Sar. Hurting so much, fuck.

I wanted us to work. For awhile, after the abortion, I needed us to work. I could not let go of the fact that it was with him, that he was there for me during the months of complications, the months of me bitching and crying, the hell I put him through. My heart breaks thinking about it. THIS FUCKING BLOWS.

I have heard nothing from him since Monday night. This isn't new, he loves ignoring me. But this time there will be no billionth chance. I don't know how he is, and it's hard to stop myself from worrying and caring. The thing is, he doesn't care. He doesn't worry. He is not concerned if I am alive or dead. In fact, the last time we talked on the phone, he said he hopes I die.

Are there good men out there? Will I ever move on? Time will only tell.

I'm sorry guys. I'm sorry my blog sucks now. I feel like I'm a downer.

Good things, good things, happy thoughts, positive energy...um, let's see. I am still very thin. My thinnest since early high school. I am wearing juniors jeans, extra small tops. My boobs still look great. My face has aged but...HAPPY THOUGHTS ONLY SARAH. My hair is growing longer. I have made new friends this year, one GREAT friend, my neighbor Eva. She is AWESOME. We chill and talk and blaze so much. We play board games and watch movies with her son, who is adorable and gives me hugs every time he sees me.

I had a fire dream last night, my first in awhile. I got out though. I got my cat and I got out. My ptsd is a struggle but I am fighting it.

I need to end this, eat lunch, and go to the bank before work. I am just getting over being sick and my period, despite the heartache this is the best I've felt in a week.

My laptop died back in August so my dad gave me his ancient one to use. It's SLOW AS FUCK but hey, I'm blogging. I'm online. It's something, for now.

Hope all is well with you. I miss you. Take care, and stay strong. I'd love a comment, if you get the chance. Update me, send advice, anything. Please :-/

XO
Sar

Last day of the month

My cat knocked a full glass of ice water on my laptop and it's been dead ever since. Typing this at work.

I miss blogging. I have had such a busy summer and my coping skills still suck. I feel that I've put on five or six pounds and look disgusting. Things with D. are still off and on. Our one year "anniversary" was last week. He choked me lightly during sex the other day. I sometimes long to die. I keep waiting for him to save me.

I need a new laptop, to renew my license (my birthday is this week), to go clothes shopping, to clean and organize my life, to stop smoking cigarettes and weed. I need everything good for me right now but I'm treating myself like shit.

I hate myself too much. I am starting to hate my job. I don't know what to do. I am about to be 29 years old and it almost feels like I'm regressing back into a child. I can't handle any criticism. I have lost touch with important friends. I have lost my spirituality.

Help me Sarah, you're the only one who can.

Until next time...

xo

Sirens of Your Toxic Spirit

I AM A FUCKING MESS!!!

Now that that is out of the way: ok. I am home from work and the weekend is here and mine. I'm drinking a beer. SO MANY PEOPLE are commenting on my weight loss, including, most recently today..my boss. He is a doctor and asked if I am losing weight in a "healthy way". I blamed it on the abortion, stress, being poor. Everything but the cigarettes and weed and desire to be thin that I've battled for over a decade.

Truth: I am the thinnest I've been since early high school. Not gonna lie, I look great. I am thin. I have what we want. I didn't have to puke, or starve for days. I just stopped binging and kept up the "I want to be thin" mindset so much that it became a lifestyle. Truth: I eat whatever the fuck I want. Pizza. Chocolate. Sandwiches. Chocolate. Whatever the fuck I want. Just not a lot. I get full super easy.

My relationship with D. has been so fucked. On, off, on, off, on, off. Fuck. Fight. Love. Etc. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting but I am completely dependent on his love and validation. I have stopped recognizing myself. I do not know how to be without him. Whenever I think I can, he squirms back into my good graces and I fall, helplessly, back into his strong arms. I fucking love him. I want us so bad. I keep screwing up though, and showing my crazy. Looking back over the year, I have fucked up more times than not. I have been jealous, insecure, horrible, accusatory, and cryptic; I've lied, held back, told half truths and done whatever the hell I want while always making sure he did what I want. Essentially I tried to make him my bitch. It did not work. All I've done is rub my depression off on him. And I do feel guilt.

Work is ok. I am bored by my job and resentful of my boss's success. He makes a lot of money and pays me low, offering no benefits. If I'm honest with myself there are perks though. We've traveled (once). He has given me different projects which have definitely enhanced my experience. He has bought me lunch and brought me breakfast soo many times. It's been a year now. I will try to stay for at least six more months. I feel that familiar restless itch, which makes me switch jobs and move so much, but perhaps the itch is me. In me. My inward battle of the self.

I'm on beer number two and about to blaze. Talk later. Love and Peace.

xx,
Sar

Friday daze

The weekend is here! I have had a decent day. Took a walk with my friend and her dog. Went to the bank and grocery store. Had some delicious ice cream and a toke. The evening hour is nigh. I'm back in pjs. No plans but if someone comes at me with something I'd consider getting dressed and going out.

I'm surprisingly calm even though me and D. did another get together - break up this past week. At this point I am numb. I barely cried this time. We were texting a little today. He is weird. He says he wants a breakup but he comes back constantly. I don't get it.

Work had been going ok but I screwed up the other day. Long story, costly mistake. Still not entirely sure how it all happened, just apologized and took the blame. Luckily my boss is super cool.

I've been eating a lot.I still look thin though.

I do miss D. but we've reached the point of no return. There is no way in hell we will be able to repair us without considerable time apart, maturity and reflection. I don't know. It's not up to me I guess. We are either meant to be or not. Trying to worry about me. Fix me.

Too high to write. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

xo

Sar

My laptop is my friend

Saturday morning and I'm blazing and drinking coffee, making ambitious plans for the day in my head, sitting all curled up so my legs cramp. I had reached a total and complete new low level of loathing for my self. I have been trying mantras...I am loved, I am healthy, I am wealthy. I start saying it when the negative self talk becomes too unbearable. It is a weight pressing down on my chest, sometimes it's hard to breathe.

I have no food here. My cat does not have food. I need to go to the store. I am going shortly. Just wanted to write a bit.

Saw some old friends last night. I felt so lonely in their presence. Like I didn't fit in, or belong. I am different now, I realize that. I am noticeably thin and withdrawn. Forced smiles and laughs. I was not present, I was either buried in the past or floating in the future or tied to my worries and imagination. I suck sometimes.

I am so fucking addicted to weed it is taking over my life.

Found a new therapist and went for my initial visit. Don't go back for two weeks since he's going on vacation. Looking forward to continuing weekly sessions if my insurance allows. Speaking of insurance they sent a "wellness card" that I can use for massage therapy, supplements, etc. Looking forward to getting my first ever massage. 

It's crazy getting older, seeing the changes in my skin and the grays in my hair.

I have seen D. a couple times. My period came which means my body is FINALLY back to normal working order. This was my first period since November, before I was pregnant. Jesus. It's so wild saying that.

I am going to try and stop smoking weed, just as soon as this bag runs out.

I have to try. I have to do it. I live in a perpetual haze and I'm sick of it, I need to see who I am underneath this shit. I miss me and am curious about her, how she's doing without the drugs.

I ate a lot last night at my friend's house. We ordered out, and I've been kind of regretting it even though I'm basically starving again and still look thin. I got a whole eggplant parmesan sub. I ate half at a time but finished it except for a small bite at the end. It was a large sub roll, battered eggplant, mozzarella, marinara sauce, spices. It was good but SO UNHEALTHY. I don't know what I was thinking. Ugh. 

Then after a blunt we all had a small ice cream cone.  Then I had a handful of popcorn! Plus wine!!!

But it's ok. Because I can really eat whatever the fuck I want. The truth of the matter is I just don't eat enough and it keeps me small. All of my friends are fatter than me. Which is bitchy to say but the truth.. 

Well that was weird, my phone just rang. It was a friend I haven't talked to in awhile and I'm feeling relaxed and open so I answered. Said "hello hello?". Nothing, I could hear that I was in a pocket or a purse. Butt - dialed. All of a sudden she picks up saying "I'm so sorry didn't mean to call you! Great to hear you but I didn't mean to call.".

Of course not. Ugh I'm just feeling sensitive. We talked for a second and got off the phone, she was out of breath, about to drive to another city. I can't take it personal. It's not like I call her. I isolate myself so pointing fingers is pretty fucking weak.

Ttyl, blogger.

Peace and love,
Sar*

Thoughts

Weighed in twice now at 120. Guess that's my new weight. I am thin. I am not particularly happy or any which way about it. I am turned off by how baggy all of my clothes are. It makes me look bigger than I am to wear baggy clothes. I need to go shopping so bad for work clothes but I can't seem to make myself. It is a mix between sheer exhaustion and nervous about spending money. Silly reasons huh. I'm a girl, I should love to shop.

D. and I are still off. Shit got better, briefly...then very bad. The cops were involved. It sucked but no charges or anything, just warnings. I have been on tinder, a dating app for your phone. I chat with a couple dudes, one more than most. Nothing serious and half of my heart (honestly) still belongs to D.

I am playing with fire is how it feels. D. and I had unprotected sex several times in the last few weeks and now I am waiting again for my period to come. It is supposedly coming next week-ish. There is no way in fuck I am pregnant again. If it happens...well. No. I refuse to think about it right now. No need to stress myself out. Fingers fucking crossed though. It's funny how, after everything, the months of bleeding, etc..how I could be hoping for the blood. Life is weird. Hope so bad I'm just being paranoid.

Still smoking bundles of weed and cigs. Insurance again soon and I'm ready to get back in therapy. I need it.

Work is going well. I've had some fun times with friends. Bridal showers and weddings to go to this summer. My hair is growing out a bit. I've lost thirty freaking pounds. Needless to say, this may be the best I've looked in quite awhile. I was looking at some older pics of myself. From like two to five years ago. I was definitely heavier and very clearly needed to lose weight. I think that is partly why it shed off so fast too. I have always been thin, tall and thin. Skinny as a kid. Stick girl they called me in middle school. This may just be my natural body type.

Let's be real here too, I have had a pro ana and mia mindset for EVER. At some point that shit sticks. It changed the way I look at food, how I think about it, my portions, my restaurant ordering, eating with a significant other or friends, what I buy, what I "don't eat", what I "crave"...it goes on and on. It's everything and for me I have just accepted that I will never "binge" (like I was doing) again. I will CERTAINLY never throw up again. That was too awful.

I'm at my happy weight. 120. Not bad.

xx

Fuck this

Well, Me and D. are done again. WEIRD RIGHT? That relationship is so fucking toxic. I need to be strong enough to walk away for real. Every time this has happened I've pathetically contacted him over and over begging him to see my worth, saying I miss and love you, blah blah blah. Well not this time. Fuck him. I need some fucking space.

What means the world to you?

Sunday nights are chill around these parts. I'm on the couch, on the computer, on weed...I've been watching "Six Feet Under". Thank you Bella for your considerate and kind comments lately. I feel a deep appreciation for life tonight. I'm alive and that's really all that matters to me right now. Maybe decisions don't have to carry such a weight. Maybe I am letting myself get a little too stressed.

D. and I are back on. I feel good about it. We have managed to rack up quite the history in our nine months "together". I put it in quotes because we did have a break up, but nothing ended. It was amazing to spend more time with him. We have a rhythm. We can finally have sex again, the bleeding was just getting too bad so we had to stop. It was amazing to get laid this weekend after so long without and all the other crap.

But are we being *safe*???

For god's sake no we are not. We used a condom 1/3 times this weekend. I am not on the pill (yet). We talked about it tonight though, because we do communicate sometimes, and all condoms all the time from now on!

I got a decent amount done this weekend. Paid some bills, cleaned my apartment, organized some shit. Cleaned my car a little. Had a good time at the baby shower yesterday, it was a beautiful day for it and the country club was right on the water!

I guess I'm talked out. Almost bed time and I'm going in to work early. New Mad Men tonight! (I'll watch it tomorrow though) Anyone else like that show?

This is going to be a GREAT week!!!!!!!!! Love and Peace to my wonderful readers!!

xo
Sar

Complications

Good morning. I woke to my cat meowing at 8:30AM and never fell back asleep. At one this afternoon I am going to a baby shower. There is a tiny part of me that feels jealous and sad but mostly I'm excited to do something fun, predictable, kitschy, and chill. I bought two adorable onesies and a cute shirt for when she's a toddler and some fuzzy socks. They need to be wrapped and I have to grab a card.

I had a tough week. I had been bleeding *non stop* for almost four months before I finally found a new doctor and got in for another (my fourth) sonogram. Paying out of pocket because I lost my insurance a few months back. They determined I still had "tissue" in my uterus. Of course, right. I WOULD have a real complication that needs to be fixed. Thankfully, luckily, it wasn't too bad. The other night after work I placed four pills in my vagina. A few hours and some bad cramps later, I passed what I am guessing was part of the placenta.

It is incredible to me that I even just wrote that paragraph. Is this real life? Holy fuck.

Needless to say, the bleeding has FINALLY stopped. I am spotting a teensy bit but I have to believe the worst is over. This ordeal has been terrible, beyond anything I could have imagined. I never thought it would be this bad. But I survived.

There were two days that were particularly disgusting that I want to document here - this will be graphic. At work I bled through my last pad and could feel clots quickly coming out. It started dripping down my leg but I was wearing black pants so you couldn't see it. My clothes are soo loose on me, even my panties are riding low and there just wasn't tight enough fabric to contain the flow. I ended up leaving work early. The other time was at the end of the work day I could feel the same thing happening. I sped home, bled through my pants onto the seat of my car, felt the clots push out as I ran for the door. I got in my apartment, sat on the toilet, and it was a blood bath. Did laundry that night.

This is the result of an incomplete abortion. I am a statistic (again).

Take it from me, never have one if you can avoid it. Mine was done in a busy clinic and it's just not surprising the doctor didn't take extra time to NOT fuck me up. I am pissed but glad it's over. As over it will ever be.

D. and I are not speaking. We had a few great weeks but have been fighting daily since last sunday. I am attempting to move on. We both have insane tempers and just clash. That's all I want to say about that right now.

My weight is low. I am 127 last time I checked. I feel good about it but bad about my baggy clothes. I have zero interest in shopping for myself lately. SO MANY PEOPLE have commented on my weight, expressing concern, blah blah. Idc.

I'm out of steam. Have a good day everyone.
xo - S

ETA: Since posting about a certain controversial hot button topic I've lost a few followers. I don't mean to offend anyone. For my safety I will be removing my picture from the blog.

Labels

More time spent with D. We were texting early and made plans for a walk, as it was beautiful today! Finally..! We got pounded this past winter and the nice weather is much deserved and highly anticipated. I did a load of laundry and took a shower before putting on a cute outfit: flowered leggings, jean shorts, a black Beatles tee, and a black bandana (with black boots). I looked and felt very thin. I drove to his place and we walked to the river. It was so nice, we talked and joked and took pics and had two beers each.

We held hands on the walk back, he made dinner while I did dishes, we watched an episode of "The X Files" while cuddling. I blew him. Then I left. 

Nothing mentioned about our relationship "status". Are we together or not? I do not know and I don't need to know bad enough where I'll bring it up (again). Last time I said something he said he loves me but "can't take me" (can't take being with me). I do not know what to think about that. His actions are contradictory. He acts very loving towards me, both in person and over text. We laugh a lot. We are affectionate.

I am confused about what we are and feeling a little vulnerable. Why do I need a label? Society and social media. The "single" on his facebook stings and bugs the crap out of me. It's on mine too. I cannot be the first to take it down, as he was the one who ended it. So I'm single, but dating my ex. That's my relationship status for now. Everything is temporary, right?

I had a really nice time with him today. We do get along quite well and enjoy similar things like being by the water and pizza. I love him and I wish we were together for real. We'll see though. Life is unpredictable and with each new day arises an opportunity for changes to occur. I want what I want and I'll either get it or I won't but I'm starting to accept that there are certain serious things that are completely out of my hands.

I'm blazing alone in my new place, incense burning. Back to work tomorrow and I'm actually going in early.

Am I being naive when it comes to D.?

He knows that I love him. I am leaving the question of us up to him. There were a lot of reasons for our break up. I lied to him and it ended our relationship. Therefore, if things ever do rekindle ideally it will be because we BOTH want it. I believe he should initiate it.

The situation is neutral, I choose how to feel about it. I feel ok. I feel love for D. and acceptance of the ways of the universe.

That is all, good night!

~S

Life update

It's been awhile. I have been purposely ignoring this blog and not writing because writing means deal with it, face it, look into myself and try to come back to the surface without tripping over my troubles. The thing is, I edited this four page letter to the attorney general from my boss today at work and it made me remember that I like writing. So I'm here because I want to be.

A lot has changed, of course. My guilt and regret about the abortion remain current. Yes, regret, as unbelievable as that sounds. Me, with a baby? I am hardly coping with myself. That is, I smoke weed every day and have been chain smoking cigarettes. Barely eating. TRYING to eat more but just...can't. Don't want to.

D. and I broke up a few weeks ago but have spoken via text or phone every day since. Spoken for the most part meaning fight. We've met up a couple times for food and sex. What the hell kind of break up is this?

It hurts. I love him still, I carried his child that we chose not to keep. We shared a life-changing experience. How can I walk away? The truth is that I'm terrified of being without him. I don't want to be with anyone else having had an abortion. I'm not in therapy anymore but last time I was there I mentioned this and she said you can choose to tell the next guy or not, up to you. So either way I'm fucked! Keep it a secret, a lie...or tell them and potentially damage their view of me. With D. I don't have to worry about that.

With D. I don't have secrets. But, the fact remains that we are not together. I am single. And so not ready to mingle.

I moved about a month ago and it went well, really enjoying my new, nicer spot but feeling incredibly isolated. My two closest friends are in the city I just moved away from. I have friends around here but not across the street like how it was before. I've been having fun though. I went to a concert, had drinks, dinner, brunch, etc with friends in the past few weeks.

The drama with D. and dealing with the after effects of the abortion have been my main focus. Still bleeding off and on, cramps off and on, emotional as fuck. Intense and insane feelings for him. Last week in person we both admitted that we still love each other. We just fight so fucking much. We don't work, which sucks to think.

It's a complicated and confusing situation right now. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to function. There are things, serious things, that need to be done (still): my taxes and student loan stuff. I have been literally been putting them off for months! I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

Right now I'm sitting on the couch in my pjs at 8pm like an old lady. Off for the next 3 days. Happy hour tomorrow, headed back to the city to grab some mail, and the bank. Saturday and Sunday are up in the air but hopefully I'll make the best of them. Tonight is me time. Me myself and I, single lady with her cat. Fml.

xo, thanks so much for reading, love to you all.
~S

ETA:
I realized today that I really like helping people by making them feel better, even if it's brief. A patient came in who lost his wife two months ago. He is an elderly man, at first gruff but with kindness. To watch him and his wife was so sweet, he would lead her by arm everywhere, they were an adorable old twosome. Anyway she passed and we just found out when he started coming back (he hadn't been in for a few months). Today I took extra time to talk with him and when I led him to a treatment room I pointed out the large and exquisite painting on the wall. He looked at it, noticed it's beauty and walked to it, touched it and said "I don't think I've ever noticed this before. It IS nice." It was such a cool moment, and I felt very present. I also felt like I had helped him in my own way, by pointing out a little beauty to allow him to become present too, and maybe for an instant not feel intense grief.

Ultimate goal weight, and beyond

Holy shit you guys. I've surpassed my UGW of 130.

People keep commenting on my weight. My boyfriend is like, "you've lost so much weight". A patient at work today asked what I eat and said "you look great, keep doing what you're doing". I keep hearing it. Do I see it?

Honestly I haven't even been trying. I just can't eat. I won't binge ever again. Starving myself has become a way of living, ingrained into my routine.

Cigarettes, lots of sex, rarely eating, lots of stress, and the weight falls off. Yes, I am tired, and cold, dizzy, and forgetful, and just generally out of it.

I am 127 pounds and 5 foot 8 inches tall. My BMI is 19.3 and the underweight cutoff is 18.5 and how the hell am I borderline underweight?? I was soo thin growing up and it's starting to feel like this is just my natural body type.

Which brings me to my next thought...what should my new ultimate goal weight be? It was always 130, so now I'll say 120 which will make my BMI 18.2. Not bad.

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I'm moving this weekend. I just had a shower beer. Sleep soon.
Take care, loves.

xx
~Sar

Cold turkey

Hey, so, I haven't smoked weed since Friday. Just got home from therapy. Drinking my coffee, feeling anxious. I have a lot to do and a lot on my mind. D. will be home next Thursday.

Why have I stopped smoking? Because I have smoked half my life away and I'm sick of hating myself for it. I have been discussing this with my therapist for months, me stopping. She was proud to hear it's been a few days. Truthfully I cannot afford it because I am moving out at the end of this month. Yup. Out of the city and closer to work, closer to home, closer to D. Big changes ahead.

I am stressed. It's not that I want to pack everything up and move in the winter. It's not that I hate the city or my current apartment. I just am sick of hating myself. I am sick of being broke. The new rent will be $50 cheaper and I'll save on gas money. I don't want to be afraid to walk alone. I don't want to be surrounded by ghetto trashy city dwellers.

As for the weed, *sighs*, I love it. I want to buy some and smoke it. I just don't want to be addicted anymore. The blazing everyday in a constant haze and procrastination is killing me slowly. So are the cigarettes I've been chain smoking as a replacement. My choices are immature lately and I want to change. I want to be better.

I have so many things on my to do list it is driving me crazy! My boyfriend has been gone for five weeks and I told myself I'd accomplish so much! Have I though? Meh. Not really.

Still bleeding from the abortion, yes a straight month of bleeding. Tell your friends, kids. It's not for the faint of heart..I went in for a follow up appointment and tested positive for pregnancy still. I'm chock full of preggers hormones! Fun!!!

God, I am so scattered right now. My therapist encouraged me to blog but the coffee has me fucking hyped. I am sitting with my phone in lap waiting to hear from my boyfriend, pathetically dependent.

I have to pack. I have to renew my health insurance. I have SO MUCH student loan bullshit to deal with. I have to talk to my landlord to see if I can use my security deposit as the last month's rent. (Anyone ever do that?). I have to activate my new phone and mail my old one to them like yesterday to avoid a $500 charge. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I want to do is fly away to the ocean and curl up on the beach and stare at the waves and drink a fruity cocktail and then go running and leaping into the water. I want to smoke, dammit! I want my hair to be beautiful again (it's time for a cut/color). I want my boyfriend home. I want to be strong against my cravings.

At least I continue to lose weight. So many people have said, "hey, have you lost weight?". I haven't weighed in awhile but I'm soo down. 15lbs last time I checked a few weeks ago. I mean, it obviously needed to be lost. All my pants are SO FUCKING baggy. I look like a bag lady. I look like hell. My face sometimes hurts from frowning. My face itches! Damn dry skin. Damn winter. Damn snow.

I am sexually frustrated, stressed, annoyed with life and myself and my boyfriend. I hate food, can't fucking eat anything anymore. I need to vacuum and change my sheets and dust and clean and organize and file my taxes. I have so much on my plate and my inclination is to run run RUN AWAY.

Writing sort of helps. I got stuck in my driveway today, lol. The snow is insane where I live. Why do I live here? Ask myself that every day.

Thanks for listening. I gotta get up and smoke a cigarette or something. Losing my fucking mind. Quitting a lifelong habit cold turkey ain't for the birds. God please give me strength.

Have a good one, loves. Thanks for all of your kindness lately. Means so much.
xo
Sar

The feels

He's been gone for 21 days and we've had a terrible fight. I just blocked him so we have no contact. I am listening to the Rain Song by Led Zeppelin. I barely ate today. Or yesterday. Fuck food.

I have maintained my new low of 134 pounds. I am 5'8 so I'd say that's pretty fucking good.

Too bad my heart is alone and the pain is striking. We love each other and yet fight so desperately, so madly. We pull out the guns. It's sad. And it lowers my self esteem, which already has been affected by the abortion.

I have drank 4 beers, smoked 2 bowls and about 5 cigarettes since I've been home from work. I am trying to numb the pain. The weird thing is how the pain doesn't get numbed, it lingers. I miss D. terribly. This trip of his, the timing of it, the love/hate we've been experiencing...is just...incredible. Incredibly hard.

Peace to all,
Sar

Love

He loves me, he said it and I believe it.

D. has been gone exactly two weeks and there are three and a half more to go. Tonight, he recorded his voice saying, "I love you baby" and sent it to me. I fucking melted.

What we have gone through has been so huge, so life-changing. It is bringing us closer together and I am thankful for that.

Thanks for the comments on my last post. I was extremely depressed that evening. Tonight? Not so much. Work is an excellent distraction. My therapist is amazing. My boyfriend loves me. I have sweet and open-minded readers. Feeling good about life.

Coincidentally, I am out of weed. I am energized without it yet the craving is tremendous. I will most likely be re-upping tonight. I don't dare try to sleep without it. I need to get restful sleep or I'm a bear. My friend will probably deliver some in an hour or so.

I have no food in the house, nothing. I desperately need to grocery shop. I actually stopped at Wegmans today but only bought cat food. #win.

Have a great night babes.
xx ~s

After

It's been a week and three days since I aborted my baby. I thought I was coping decently. Today, stupidly, I watched a video explaining the life stages from conception to birth with accurate and fascinating pictures. I stared at the seven week picture out of curiosity and the need to feel reconnected. I watched this in the last hour of my workday.

On the way home, driving 60 mph on the thruway, I could feel that tight hot ball of grief-guilt-anger-sadness forming in the pit of my stomach. A tear slid out, my face hardened, enough crying, dammit just drive. Another tear. An escaped sob to assuage the poisonous emotions wrestling to release. I made it home through blurred vision. My cheeks hurt from frowning and holding back tears. My arms, my heart hurts.

My baby is gone. I killed it. No Sarah, you didn't kill anyone. You made a choice to end a life. Ok that sounds a lot like killing.

I need D. Well sorry, he's out of the country. There's no one else you can really talk to. Not family. Friends don't understand.

I killed my baby. Stop. Just fucking stop goddammit.

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It's been a week and three days since I aborted my baby. Life has gone on. I recovered, physically, quick. I took my antibiotics and ibuprofen. I hung out with my boyfriend, the only person who has any inkling of knowledge of what I'm going through. He's gone now, away for another month. I've survived a week without him. We've chatted over facebook every day, thank god. I need him so bad right now.

Work has been a decent distraction but it's been too slow with all the snow and the time to think is getting to me. Time is crawling by.

Last week I drank. This week? Hell, maybe I'll write.

Thanks for listening.
xx
~S

Scarlett letter A

Tomorrow is the big day. I have done a lot of reading and research this week, a lot of talking and crying and over thinking...but I am not in denial. I understand that I was supremely irresponsible, and for that I must pay the consequence which is making an impossible choice.

I know that I am not ready for a baby. I do not want to have a baby this year. Yes, I am 28 years old and plenty old enough to have one, but it is not what I want right now. As you all know, I like doing what I want. Isn't life just a series of decisions regarding what you want next? Hell, they even say if you want happiness you've got to choose it.

As for me, I choose life. MY life.

Of course it is heartbreaking to feel me and D.'s unborn embryo in my tummy. I can definitely feel it, I am a changed woman. I have been able to say aloud "I am pregnant" and know that it is as true as you and me.

It sucks to know that I am choosing not to let our unborn embryo live. It sucks that this had to happen now. It sucks that I was so foolish regarding birth control. It sucks that I will have to live with this choice for the rest of my life.

But maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I will be ok.

I believe this is happening for a reason. What is the life lesson here Sar?

Tomorrow is the big day and I am nervous as can be but also excited for it all to be over. I don't want to be pregnant right now. I don't like feeling nauseous (all day sickness - not just morning). My boobs KILL. I have no sex drive. I have no appetite and then I'm ravenous but nothing sounds appealing. I haven't been able to touch coffee and sushi sounds like the worst thing in the world, two of my previous faves. My mood has been all over the place. My emotions are...insane.

Tomorrow it ends. Tomorrow I walk out of there a free woman. Tomorrow I have to face reality and face myself and forgive myself and love myself and forgive the universe for dealing me this hand.

D. is going with me. It was luckily never a question. He has fluctuated between handling it great and totally freaking out. He is scared of course, and the timing could not be worse as he is leaving the country for a 5 week backpacking trip through central america on monday. We will miss each other and he will do his best to support me over the phone but for the most part I will be leaning on myself.

My parents do not know, nor my siblings. They may never. I have told three close friends and my boss. I am being called on to be strong right now and it will be a real test for D. and I's relationship. I can do this. I will be ok.

I am not in shock anymore. I am borderline accepting of the entire thing. Therapy this week helped a ton. D. is helping a lot. Music and maryjane help.

Thanks for the love and for reading about my life. Tomorrow is the big day and I am asking for your prayers/good vibes that everything goes smoothly. I never wanted to make this decision, you guys. I never wanted any of this but it's here and all I can do is what's best for me and hope to eventually forgive myself.

I'm sorry baby. Mommy is not ready for you yet. I hope and believe that your beautiful and innocent soul will be sent to someone loving, mature, present, financially stable, and ready to devote her life to you. I'm sorry it is not me, not yet.

xo
Sar