Uninspired

I'm in a shitty mood (again). I tried to go to sleep early, but lay there thinking about everything for hours. This is rare, I usually can fall asleep fast. But there's just so much going on. I'm leaving for vacation in one week - I should be happy! I should be excited! And somewhere deep down, I am. It's just that work is crazy, and life is crazy, and I am crazy. Hence, chaotic instability abounds.

My hands are freezing. We had one beautiful Spring day, and the rest have been so damn chilly. I spend too much time alone at home. Working remote enables my laziness. It's also quite isolating. I have to go in to the office the next two days and dread it. But that's only because it means I am leaving the comfort zone of my safe cocoon. Nobody is looking at me. Nobody is making noise. I am completely alone at home. I love it but I sense it's damaging my mental state.

What to do? Nothing. I'm coasting. A job is a job is a job. I'm not trying to leave. I'm sure as hell hoping to never have to sit in an office for five days a week again. That feels incomprehensible at this point, three years into the pandemic with its associated changes. I just need to do a better job in life. I need to be more motivated. I need to be more disciplined.

No one is watching me and the freedom that comes with that is sweet and tempting. But I am the only one responsible for keeping a roof over my head. I can't say "fuck it" and lay around all day.

It took me nearly two hours to proofread a seven page article. My head feels foggy. I'm tired and stressed. I feel so alone. K. tries to help. But my depression is bigger than us. I have therapy tonight, thankfully. It's very much needed.

Still gotta pick up his last birthday gift, wrap everything, and get a card. I got the baby shower gift for this weekend but need to also get a card for that. I need to do a laundry load of whites and my sheets. I have to clean the cat litter, vacuum, do the dishes, color my hair. I need to try on outfits and pack. Oh yeah, and I need to complete the financials on a work spreadsheet by the end of the work day. We are supposed to hit the gym tonight. My car needs inspection and I have to take out some cash for the cat sitter. 

God, I'm exhausted by life. There's always something to do. And I say I want children? I can barely take care of myself. I feel like such a failure sometimes. I know I'm technically not, but I guess I don't fully believe that I'm not. Constantly seeking external validation that I'm good enough. Constantly fighting insecure thoughts. Constantly making the wrong choice. Like last night for example. I went grocery shopping (finally) and made a great dinner (salad with falafel) and ran the dishwasher but did literally nothing else but smoke weed and read. I should've done more. And now today, it's 1:11PM and I need to do my job but I just don't fucking feel like it. I will though. I'm gonna end this blog and sit down at my desk and figure out these fucking financials. After that, I'll take a break. Maybe a nap. I also need to shower, considering it's been two days. I am disgusting.

Sorry this is such a downer. Thanks for reading and the kind comments. It means a lot to know there is someone out there listening to these unfiltered thoughts. 

xo

Sar

Nobody knows what's coming

It's half past noon on Sunday. Me and K. talked on the phone for two hours about nothing, just joking around. Getting in the shower in a minute and then we're meeting up. His appointment didn't go very well the other day, he has a health issue. More on that in a bit.

My head is pounding from the coffee. Just slammed a glass of water. I took one hit off my vape pen. No music is playing, all I hear are the loud but silent jumbled words in the endless stream of consciousness babbling like a brook in my mind. Hence, typing this blog.

My uncle passed away the other day. Heart attack. 65 years old. He had been estranged from our family for years, since my grandma died and he and my aunt got into it over the estate. It's not like there was any money left behind. But people are strange. I didn't feel super sad but my soul recognized another loss to our family. In the last six years I've lost two aunts and now three uncles. 

I went with K to his medical appointment. K. is facing an organ transplant in his near future. Much sooner than we thought.  I found out about my uncle on the way home.

We were both shook by his news and then to get that call, well let's just say that I ended up taking the next day off work and me and K. have both been going through the stages of grief. At first, I was super strong while he was in shock and denial. Then I crumbled and felt waves of sadness about his mortality and how this will affect our future. He was strong for me, reminding me that more tests are needed to determine exact timelines. My sadness grew into optimism, and his strength collapsed into anxiety and hopelessness. Then anxiety hit me hard. We are both reeling. We've been bickering too much. But today feels ok so far. Looking forward to seeing him. We were together Thursday night and Friday night but I had a "me" day yesterday. Didn't do much. But I slept good last night.

It figures, doesn't it? I broke up with my ex for a lot of reasons but the major one was that he didn't want children. K. does. He and I have talked many times about having a family. But if he is facing a major surgery pretty soon it forces us to make some hard decisions. Delay the family? Start it before we even marry? I don't know. Neither does he. We are going to figure it out. Or we won't, and life will be what it becomes.

I'm high. This vape pen is no joke, it's a new one. 

I better get ready. Have a great rest of the weekend!

-S.

It's 4/19 - got a minute?

I'm so fucking angry, all the time. Every day is a new adventure.. will I be ok? Or will I wake up in a shit mood, thinking shit thoughts, treating people and myself like shit? Today it's the latter. I didn't want to get out of bed (I never do). I didn't clean up at all last night so my kitchen is a mess. I didn't go grocery shopping last night so I have no coffee or yogurt. I did smoke tons of weed, and now I'm out. I did lay around staring at the internet, and now my eyes feel strained. But I rose, and got up, and wiped down the counter, and drove my ass to the coffee shop for a large coffee and a croissant, and came home to start work. 

I'm fed the fuck up with work to be honest. I want to be happy at my job, but I am feeling ignored by my manager. I had attempted to negotiate my raise again, like I successfully did last year, but so far have been ghosted. It has been almost three weeks. I followed up once. My motivation has tanked. I am doing the bare minimum at a slower pace. I have so much to do and I know I'm slipping up. Even now, it's 1:30PM and I should be at my work desk, but I'm here on the couch on blogger. Cat sleeping next to me. He looks so comfy and cute.

I wish I could be happy. I started a fight with K. We are not speaking. My neck hurts - I have chronic neck pain. My period started this morning. It was two days late. Every time it has been late, ever since I got knocked up in 2014, I always wonder if I'm preggers again. But nope. Never again. Period always comes. It's probably for the best. It's not like we're trying to get pregnant. But I do want kids someday. Except, that window is shutting fast. I'll be 37 this year.

It hurts, to say that out loud and internalize the very real repercussions. I likely won't have children of my own. It's weird, because as far back as I can remember, way back to when I was a little girl playing "house", I always wanted to be a mom. I was always the mom. I have a innate nurturing ability. I care about stuff.

Just not, apparently, my self. I have neglected chores and work and a shower. I have been in a major depressive episode for what feels like months. I'm taking care of my cat, barely. Just dialing it in for the rest.

Do you ever check your ex's socials? We broke up in late 2021. He came crawling back in Summer 2022. Haven't seen or spoken since. But yesterday I checked his twitter. Dude has become one of those thirsty "reply guys" and liking girl's selfies. It's gross! He looks so pathetic! Why do I care? Why did I check? Why does it bother me?

Well, probably because I didn't take the time to really get over him and the relationship, as I met K. very quickly after we split. Yes, me and K. took things VERY slow and really built our relationship from the ground up, and yes he knew I was fresh out of a relationship. But I still feel this slight tug within, that tells me I probably should've waited longer before going on dating apps. Can't take it back, and I was very transparent with K. about not wanting him to be a rebound. I don't think he was. But I do think that we probably met too soon. But that's how life goes sometimes. And last summer, when D. came back, telling me he loved me and wanted us to give it another shot, I was open with K. I was open with myself. I took space from K. and realized that he was the one I wanted to be with. I tried my best to be authentic and honest with both of them, and also myself. I made my choice.

I'm only human and it's exhausting to be. I want to be better. I want to be the best. But I am so fucking far from it, it's disgusting. I really unleashed on K. today. We have terrible fights sometimes. We both struggle with past demons. Sometimes it brings us closer, sometimes it pushes us apart. It's hard. My gut is hinting to me that I should suck it up and call him. But I literally told him not to call or text me today, I told him I hated him, I hung up on him. Why, you might ask? Because I was punishing him. I felt that he was acting distant last night. Truth is, we talked all day yesterday, he's having a rough go with work too, and he's stressing about his doctor's appointment tomorrow. He shut down a little last night and I was hurt, because I tried to be there for him. Encourage and support him through it all. And it felt like he didn't acknowledge or appreciate it. That triggers me.

I'm tired. I gotta work but all I want to do is get in bed and shut my eyes and wake up in a different life or in a different place or just wake happy and rested. *huge sigh*

Just had to vent. 

-S.

Listening to Rockdale

Friday! It is beautiful out, the first real warm sunny spring day, and I am loving it! I've been wearing a smile most of the day because of it. I thrive in the warmth. 

It's been a hell of a week though. (Aren't they all?). I've had issues with the HR department at work. In a word, they are incompetent. Which is a shame really, because the rest of my job is good. I've dealt with a lot, most recently a late W2 and receiving an incorrect 1099-SA due to their mistaken excess contributions from last year. In both instances, I was the one who caught it and initiated correction. HR made excuses and delayed things unnecessarily. It all boiled over on Wednesday, because I was still waiting for the amended tax form, and the deadline was approaching. I was panicking and emailed them asking for confirmation they'd pay any penalty fees due to their error and this enormous disruption. I also asked if they would advise that I request an extension. A couple calls and hours of my life later, it was resolved.

It was a huge weight lifted off me. I had been feeling so alone and frustrated. I've been in a prolonged depressive episode, and the lows "peak" during times of bullshit.

It's over though. I'm ok. The whole reason I even came here is to make a list:

Brunch with Aunt C tomorrow

New couch coming next week

Baby shower gift for K by end of month

Birthday gift for K by end of month

Buy a bigger suitcase (Macys?) asap

Dress for wedding by end of next month

Vacuum upstairs & down

Laundry (clothes & sheets)

Clean bathroom & bedroom

Color hair (before trip)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ugh, that's a lot. It's because I did nothing earlier in the week except obsess over the tax situation and try to stay afloat at my job. Each night I binge watched below deck. However, Wednesday night, we went to the gym, and last night, we took a walk. As I mentioned, me and my man are trying to incorporate movement into our routine. I'm not really trying to lose weight, I'm semi comfortable with my weight which varies between 131-133. I just really want to tone up. I am thin but soft. I look ok naked but I could look better. I'd be cool with a constant 130 and a firmer body. Might as well be hot if I can. 

Quite frankly, I'm trying to look and be the best I can. I want someone to want to marry me. I want to want to marry someone. I want a family. Will it all be with K.? Only time will tell. It has felt possible before but I'm experienced enough to realize that nothing lasts forever. 

It feels good to come back here and make my list. The evening is young, it's barely 6pm. I'm not 100% sure how much motivation I will have this weekend to take a crack at that list, but hopefully I do. If anything, I am lightyears ahead of where I was when the week started. 

I am going to be ok. I have to just be strong, stable, and focused. I have to continue to work hard and especially with my mental health. I am learning to feel myself becoming triggered. It's HELLISH WORK. But it's needed. I get triggered so easily. It's honestly heartbreaking. It is clear as day to me at this point in my life just how much emotional damage has been done. But I'm not giving up. I can heal. I'm healing. I've already healed so much.

Lots of love to this community. Hope the weather is beautiful by you!

xo Sar

13 years ago, my life changed forever

Well it's the fifth of April and the end of the day is here. I've been depressed this week. My family is dysfunctional. But I won the March Madness bracket at work! And today took a very long walk in the rain. 

Why depressed? My parents are completely checked out and refused to coordinate a visit home with my brother who lives abroad. He told me he wasn't coming this Spring so me and my man booked our trip. Days later, I got a call from my sister saying that our brother apparently had a long heart to heart talk with our parents and they ended up working it out for him to come home. And my sister will be there as well (driving from another state). Where will I be? 

On vacation with my guy. It's crazy, really. My brother confirmed he wasn't coming back to the States. We booked our trip. And then everything changed and is now overlapping. My first instinct was to reschedule our trip. No, that's not true. My first instinct was pure grief. I love my siblings and very rarely get to see them. I would normally be there, for the reunion. And I could make it happen, if we rescheduled flights and hotel reservations and time off requests less than 30 days out. This is all happening next month.

But I'm not going to fucking reschedule. I have always been the one to come around, and be there. I have always put others' feelings first. Especially when it comes to my family. My family is big and troubled. I was raised thinking that family was important and have acted accordingly. My parents have reversed course and now act like family is nothing. Their noncommittal wishywashyness has led to a real conundrum for me. Something that feels very personal. I'm not saying they did it purposely, but they certainly acted recklessly. This all could've been avoided. But selfish people can't accommodate.

**

Anyway, today is 13 years since the fire. Damn! How do I feel? Better than last year. My relationship with K. has stabilized my mental health in certain ways. I can be open with him and last year I was. I cried to him and was very open about what the anniversary raised within me. This year, I mentioned it briefly. He gave me that space to fill with venting or tears or whatever I needed... I took it graciously and remained calm. I am trying to accept things.

I accept that the fire happened. I accept that I will always be affected by it. I accept that I handled it to the best of my ability and I recognize that I achieved something. I learned to persevere.

I am ok. I am safe. I survived. 

It's over. It's in the past.

All I have to do is let it go.

**

I accept that my parents are two people living their senior years out with little concern for me. 

.

.

Do I?

Hell no! I think it's ridiculous and unfair and hurtful and and

But what can I do? I'm doing it. I'm lowering my expectations with them. I'm working on accepting what is. I'm keeping myself afloat. I'm living in the moment. I'm planning for the future.

**

13 years ago my world came crashing down around me. I was, briefly, homeless. The feeling of never being able to return home stayed with me for a very long time. I had nothing but myself and my cat and the clothes on my back. It forever changed me.

I am continuing to pick myself up, day after day. A lot has happened since then. A lot has changed. I have changed. But what I want to focus on is my resilience. I am not giving up, even though days like yesterday, where I'm texting with crisis services, show me that life is arduous, and I must keep my strength up. I must continue the inner work. Day in, day out. Affirmations. Routine. Healthy food. Enough sleep. Less substances. I believe in my ability to be the best Sar I can be. I understand I'm not there yet but there is joy in the journey.

So maybe this is all a long winded way of saying that I kick ass! And I must continue kicking ass. It's the only way. I can't be what my parents want and I can't be the perfect girlfriend or employee but I can be me, authentically, doing me, living mindfully and within my means, intentionally improving self-awareness, enjoying the days and resting at night, traveling, reading, listening to music, all of it. Whatever sounds good. With whomever is lucky enough to join me. Hopefully K.

We walked tonight. We fucked. We talked. He's sending me reels after he leaves. God I want real lasting love so much. More than anything in the entire world.

Thanks for commenting on the last post, you guys. Can I just say how truly awesome it is to be back and feeling that sense of community! Lots of love.

Xo,

Sar