well hello

well hello

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

One day I'm going to lose the war.

What a day, and it's only 4:20 pm. I woke at 6 to be at work by 7:15. I ate a Fiber One oats & chocolate granola bar. [140]. Then on my break I indulged in an apple cinnamon Nutrigrain bar. Delish at 130 cal. During work I drank about three cups of black coffee. I'll say 35 cals.

I was doing well, until after work I randomly bought f r i t o l a y corn c h i p s. salsa. & celery. I quite predictably binged on the chips & salsa. So I am quite ashamed to give that a mess a total of 450 cal. *It doesn't end there* I eat an apple (45). I eat a tiny pack of nutter butter bites. (130) Then, licorice. (300) bringing me to a grand total of 1,230.

Luckily I noticed what I was doing and went downstairs (2 flights) to take out my garbage, bringing the rest of the licorice. So that is gone and I am free from it. I don't even know why I bought it. It my weakness, I love the chewiness. Picture me: I am lying in bed trying to read this great book called "Perfect", and my mind keeps flashing to last night. My stomach is churning and I feel sick. I lay there debating and contemplating. All of a sudden everything goes white, I jump up, grab a half full liter of water, and hightail it to my bathroom. I close the door, standing stock still in the semi-darkness, and open the lid. I am gouging my throat with sharp nails attached to strange fingers. It's not working, I chug water, then more water and more gouging. I am thinking "there is no way you are going to give up. you can't stop halfway through. try harder. don't think about what you are really doing. don't listen for your heart to beat hard in your chest. get the food OUT!" I grab my toothbrush out of sheer frustration and stubbornness. No clue what to do with it, so I shove it down my throat and tickle the back of it. then go in and out like I'm giving head. Disgusting. Gagging. Spitting. Coughing. and then it happens. puke. and I feel like I chickened out. I feel like there was more in me that could of come out but I stopped it because I was scared. What a baby. But damn I'm bold too. If I can manage to not consume any more calories for the rest of the day I will be so happy.

and now I am sitting here. I already smoked a cigarette and a bowl. The Allman Brother's are playing and I am typing and this is me; please comment. I would love the encouragement and quickly proceed in reciprocation. : )

Think Thin!

Nothing tastes as GOOD AS THIN FEELS!

StAy sKiNny or aLwaYs be SorRy.

Food sucks!

1 comment:

Sar said...

Wow, Sar. This is fucking triggering.