well hello

well hello

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Empty eyes

I did it. I wrote 11 pages in about 6 hours yesterday morning, fueled by the 67 messages J and I had sent to each other throughout the night and also by the Adderall chugging through my system. I attempted to drive to campus so I could print it out and turn it in and got stuck in the snow leaving my driveway. Luckily, my neighbor's ex was dropping off their kids just at the moment and he pushed me out. So I get to campus and all the computer labs are closed. The minutes are ticking by and I'm panicking, but getting lots of exercise due to my fast walking from building to building. Finally I get the paper printed out and run to my classroom; I get there and it's empty and dark. I'm sweating and flushed at this point. So I ran to my teacher's office. She was there; she gave me attitude, but whatever...it's turned the fuck in.

I headed home after fueling my car and proceeded to get STUCK AGAIN in the snow, this time pulling into my driveway. Omg. So I kept trying to get out and kicking the snow under my tires but nothing was working. I called the snow plower guy who does our driveway and he was able to come in about 20 minutes. It was ridiculous. I went inside and kind of crashed, but didn't sleep.

J. ended up coming over. We smoked and had 3 glasses of wine (finishing my bottle). I didn't realize he had to partake in a conference call last night, and he left way too soon. We hugged, so briefly. I don't even remember it because it happened so fast. So I'm sitting here after he left; over-tired, drunk and high, and I started crying real tears. I rarely cry. I am crazy about him but he just wants to be friends.

So OF COURSE I was dumb and pulled out my phone and said "come back!" and he said "what why I can't." and I said "after your conference call." and he said "i can'tttttt and i have no gas in my car." and i said "so get some." (In his defense he lives 20 minutes away)

He never responded. I passed out for maybe 30 minutes and then picked up that devil, my phone, again. I sent him a semi-long message about feelings and shit and he never got back to me. It is now the next day (Wednesday) around noon. I just texted him AGAIN saying "hope you made it home safely last night." and that's going to be it. I realize that he needs to be in control, well I am more than willing to sit back and let him be. I seriously would do anything for him, and he might know that. I am starting to get to know him better though and I realize that I can't bug him with millions of messages. The ones I've sent since he left were sincere enough that I'm not worried about it.

Did I mention that I gave my two weeks notice at my job and he did it the same day? Him and I are going places, but not together :(

In other news I've been basically starving myself. I look pretty thin today. My appetite is not here. I think of food and then realize that NOTHING sounds good. Yesterday I ate about 500 calories, if that. Actually more than that because I had some wine last night, which hit me like a sack of bricks, dang.

Today so far has been nothing and the day is already half over. Food is not looking appealing at all and I'm grateful for that. I think it's just a combination of stress, exhaustion, adderall, and heartache. Yes my heart aches for J. I've never met anyone like him. I hope he is always in my life.

I am sooo tired. I got about 8 hours last night but wish I was still in bed. UNFORTUNATELY I have ANOTHER project due today, my God, let this week be over already, please. 2 things stand in my way of graduating: this project and my final exam on friday. I can do it, right??

Thanks for the nice comments. It really is encouraging that you have faith in me. I <3 you for that. And for reading all this madness. My fingers fucking hurt from all this typing lately (blogging and papers plus my usual internet searching). OK. Time to end this.

Think thin today. I just keep reaching down and feeling my hip bones. Those little guys motivate me to keep pushing hard on this journey to thin. I am thin but I want to be thinner. Stay strong, please. Don't be gross.

Xo Sar

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