Looks like I won't be seeing J. until after Christmas. I'm not upset. OK, yes I am. Of course I am. This feels all too familiar though. I read some old posts from right around this time last year, and I was pining for T. like I am currently obsessing over J. However with J., it's like a detached attachment. Does that make sense? Maybe I am just using him as a distraction for my ever-changing thoughts. I am focusing on him instead of focusing on my future. It's like I'm willing to sit back, contentedly, while my (future) husband brings in the
Really Sar? A housewife? That's your ambitious plan? HA! What a joke I am.
To be perfectly honest I've been feeling pretty down on myself lately. You wouldn't think so, what with college coming to a close and whatnot, but I really just have experienced so much self-loathing as of late.
Today, my neck is killing me. I slept on it wrong, that's what happens. It's a reminder that my body is in fact aging. Sick.
ENOUGH NEGATIVITY, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!
This post sucks. I don't suck. Nope! Haven't sucked anything in almost a freakin' year. What is WRONG with me? The only action I get is in my dreams. I guess I just push every possibility away.
The farthest J. and I have gone is kiss. A little tiny bit of dirty texting, but nothing more. It just PROVES that he is not as attracted to me as I am to him. Disappointing! I must remember that I can't change people. I must also get thinner! Because who doesn't like a skinny girl?
I must say I was looking great over the weekend, nice and thin. Bony even. However I've been eating a little more the past day (yesterday only) because I am about to leave this place for almost a week & I didn't want the produce to go to waste. I can see where it shows is my point.
The only way to be as skinny as I want to be is to not eat. It's so fucked up but eating anything causes me bloat! Even veggies! It's soo weird.
I'll leave you on that note. Think thin. I'll probably be updating regularly once I'm home because there will be constant food temptation there. I just need to be smart.
Xo ~ Sar