well hello

well hello

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Unforgiving

I'm supposed to be packing, because it's a few days before Christmas and I am expected at home, but I'm not. I'm sitting here, smoking and listening to good music. I'm sipping some tea and making a list. No food yet, it's already after noon.

Looks like I won't be seeing J. until after Christmas. I'm not upset. OK, yes I am. Of course I am. This feels all too familiar though. I read some old posts from right around this time last year, and I was pining for T. like I am currently obsessing over J. However with J., it's like a detached attachment. Does that make sense? Maybe I am just using him as a distraction for my ever-changing thoughts. I am focusing on him instead of focusing on my future. It's like I'm willing to sit back, contentedly, while my (future) husband brings in the bacon mucho dinero.

Really Sar? A housewife? That's your ambitious plan? HA! What a joke I am.

To be perfectly honest I've been feeling pretty down on myself lately. You wouldn't think so, what with college coming to a close and whatnot, but I really just have experienced so much self-loathing as of late.

Today, my neck is killing me. I slept on it wrong, that's what happens. It's a reminder that my body is in fact aging. Sick.

ENOUGH NEGATIVITY, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!

This post sucks. I don't suck. Nope! Haven't sucked anything in almost a freakin' year. What is WRONG with me? The only action I get is in my dreams. I guess I just push every possibility away.

The farthest J. and I have gone is kiss. A little tiny bit of dirty texting, but nothing more. It just PROVES that he is not as attracted to me as I am to him. Disappointing! I must remember that I can't change people. I must also get thinner! Because who doesn't like a skinny girl?

I must say I was looking great over the weekend, nice and thin. Bony even. However I've been eating a little more the past day (yesterday only) because I am about to leave this place for almost a week & I didn't want the produce to go to waste. I can see where it shows is my point.

The only way to be as skinny as I want to be is to not eat. It's so fucked up but eating anything causes me bloat! Even veggies! It's soo weird.

I'll leave you on that note. Think thin. I'll probably be updating regularly once I'm home because there will be constant food temptation there. I just need to be smart.


Peace
&thinness
are my
ReligiOn.

Xo ~ Sar

3 comments:

zette said...

i'm supposed to be packing, too. you're allowed to be upset about not seeing him. i hope your neck feels better. i hope you get back to looking your weekend best. stay strong, doll.
xoxo
zette

Skeleton Strong said...

One of my biggest problems is eating stuff simply because I don't want it to go to waste, too. I'm getting better about that though. I just try to think of it like this: I am still wasting the food by eating it. And I will actually get more FROM the food if I simply throw it away. That way, I "gain" a smaller waistline. Just imagine your stomach as a trash can. So you're throwing the food "away" whether you eat it or not. I hope you can smile soon. :)

Charlie said...

There have been so many times where I've just wanted to be housewife too. Or even better, a trophy wife!

Then instead of doing other stuff, I could just focus on making my body look better.