well hello

well hello

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Lessons learned

I made a huge mistake today. It pains my heart to type this, but I just discovered it, and I need to get these feelings out because they're toxic to my insides right now.

That last project I talked about in my last post, earlier this afternoon? I didn't do it. I also did not go to the exam period where we were supposed to turn them in. I emailed my teacher at 4:00, when I was supposed to be there, and asked if I could turn it in tonight. She just replied, saying no, it's too late. She'll pass me but "it won't be a grade I'll like".

Of course now, after getting it out and waiting a minute or two for this to process I feel this small golden sigh of relief. Now one exam stands in my way of graduating, and that is on Friday...so I have some time to chill and study. The pressure feels off but this is seriously quite the burden to bear.

I don't know what came over me. Actually I do, I was upset about J.
How could I let a boy affect me so much?
How could I let down this teacher, who I've looked up to for two years?
How could I blow off the exam?

The answer is I've done it before. I skipped final papers and just said to hell with it. I have no problem giving up. In fact, it's too easy to convince myself that it's a good idea,

I was just so tired, it would have been shit anyway.

So there's my big mistake, you heard from me before and after. What went wrong? I just went to sleep in between posts, so that's that. I chose to rest.

My soul needs rest. I must check off these stresses sitting on my mind. I must do something to pull out of this depression. The thing about depression is that sometimes you get comfortable with it, you tell yourself that skipping out on the world and living is fine. You sleep the problems away and have terrible, sexual, vivid dreams and wake up sweating, heart racing. You avoid conflict by shutting down and it's ok with you because, hey you're not dealing with anything.

Living shouldn't be a waste but I waste it.

Living should be enjoyable most of the time but I rarely smile.

I laugh when pretty little boys crack me up, like J. Only he's not pretty, he's a fucking god.

Fuck it.

I managed to eat two burritos made with whole wheat fiber-filled wraps and organic refried beans with chilies and spices. I added a small amount of shredded cheese, lettuce, and salsa to each.
Total calories [540].
Then I had a "spinach souffle" [175], 3 "chik'n nuggets" (meatless) [150], and 4 peeps [110].
Total calories [435]
Total calories for the day [975]

And it's only seven at night

I feel like a heifer. J. still hasn't gotten back to me. My neck hurts in a weird way, it's like tingly or pinched or something. My back aches. I'm tired but this is a strange time to go to bed.

I guess I'll just do what I always do. Smoke & watch tv/surf the net.
It's all killing me.

Think thin


Honor Regzig said...

Yea I've done that too. It's like I'm afraid of something. I've been working on the first bachelor degree for sooooo long. My med school buddy has spent less time in class.
You're not alone.

Thin_Envy said...

Im having the same kinda day:( stay strong and finish what you gotta finish. I know easier said than done blah

Anonymous said...

Have you gotten professional psychiatric help? Your eating disorder is just a manifestation of our mental illness. I'm sure you know this, but you are mentally ill. Stop medicating yourself with street drugs. Get in to see a psychiatrist, don't stop until youfind one you like. It really doesn't matter if you get school done or not, you need to get mentally healthy or all your striving will be for nothing. Please get help!!!!

Mich said...

I went through most of high school and a lot of college doing that--get all A's through most of the semester so I could crap out at the end and skip the final exams and papers. That way I always passed with C's.

Hope you feel better, hun. :-*


Anonymous said...

:( Sar, I am so sorry! I have done the same thing, too. And I'm an honors student! But this semester I really just scraped by. I definitely blame it on depression, as well. I'm on meds for anxiety/depression, but they don't always work . . . sometimes I think they make me feel worse.

And I am so familiar with "getting comfortable" with not being a part of the world, not living.
Some drugs and alcohol can really make it worse, too.

I disagree with others, though. I think that marijuana really helps. It does for me, anyway. I can even get my homework done (and make good grades on it) when I'm super stoned.

I think maybe you will feel a lot better after your graduate, but in the meantime you can do proactive things like:
-Clean your house. Living in a tidy environment usually encourages me to get things done. But when my house is cluttered, I feel like hiding in the mess.
-Take a hot bath with bath salts! I suggest eucalyptus/menthol to sharpen your mind.
-Set 3 non-Ana-related goals for yourself and write them down.
-Begin an exercise regimen that is motivated only by fixing your mind, such as doing mild yoga every day.
-Drink tea. It's magic in a cup!
-Make a list of all the GOOD things you have accomplished in school.

I hope you feel better and more part of the world again, soon. It's much better waking up each day when you are.