I made a huge mistake today. It pains my heart to type this, but I just discovered it, and I need to get these feelings out because they're toxic to my insides right now.
That last project I talked about in my last post, earlier this afternoon? I didn't do it. I also did not go to the exam period where we were supposed to turn them in. I emailed my teacher at 4:00, when I was supposed to be there, and asked if I could turn it in tonight. She just replied, saying no, it's too late. She'll pass me but "it won't be a grade I'll like".
Of course now, after getting it out and waiting a minute or two for this to process I feel this small golden sigh of relief. Now one exam stands in my way of graduating, and that is on Friday...so I have some time to chill and study. The pressure feels off but this is seriously quite the burden to bear.
I don't know what came over me. Actually I do, I was upset about J.
How could I let a boy affect me so much?
How could I let down this teacher, who I've looked up to for two years?
How could I blow off the exam?
The answer is I've done it before. I skipped final papers and just said to hell with it. I have no problem giving up. In fact, it's too easy to convince myself that it's a good idea,
I was just so tired, it would have been shit anyway.
So there's my big mistake, you heard from me before and after. What went wrong? I just went to sleep in between posts, so that's that. I chose to rest.
My soul needs rest. I must check off these stresses sitting on my mind. I must do something to pull out of this depression. The thing about depression is that sometimes you get comfortable with it, you tell yourself that skipping out on the world and living is fine. You sleep the problems away and have terrible, sexual, vivid dreams and wake up sweating, heart racing. You avoid conflict by shutting down and it's ok with you because, hey you're not dealing with anything.
Living shouldn't be a waste but I waste it.
Living should be enjoyable most of the time but I rarely smile.
I laugh when pretty little boys crack me up, like J. Only he's not pretty, he's a fucking god.
I managed to eat two burritos made with whole wheat fiber-filled wraps and organic refried beans with chilies and spices. I added a small amount of shredded cheese, lettuce, and salsa to each.
Total calories .
Then I had a "spinach souffle" , 3 "chik'n nuggets" (meatless) , and 4 peeps .
Total calories 
Total calories for the day 
And it's only seven at night
I feel like a heifer. J. still hasn't gotten back to me. My neck hurts in a weird way, it's like tingly or pinched or something. My back aches. I'm tired but this is a strange time to go to bed.
I guess I'll just do what I always do. Smoke & watch tv/surf the net.
It's all killing me.