well hello

well hello

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Rage is relative, so is thinness

It's one in the morning and I'm high after a long day. As expected, things at home are...tense. My dad and I got in a fight today. He was off because of a dentist appointment and was not around when I woke, freezing, to a 60 F house. It was probably 20 F outside. So, like I've done many times, I turned the heat up to 66 or 67.

He came home, I went to the kitchen (a mistake in more ways than one) and he turned to me, angrily; he said, "did you turn the heat up?". His eyes conveyed such rage; my defenses rose instantly and I responded, "I did, I woke up and it was 60 in here." (A lie, it was maybe 62). Long story short, we started yelling at each other, he turned his back on me, putting a barrier and physical distance between us, and walked away. It was the first time I saw him this day and he didn't say hey or hello or good afternoon; he found a reason to pick a fight and victimize me, leaving me empty and longing for a different upbringing.

I started crying softly, and walked to my room and shut the door. I'd come out only twice while my parents were up. I read for awhile and then went to sleep around 8 pm and woke back up to seven texts from this one dude E. I've been talking to. That was around 11 pm.

I then left the house with the intention of getting food. All I ate today was a amy's light in sodium vegetable lasagna tv dinner [290 calories], homemade vegetable soup [150 cal] and 1 slice of bread [70]. I was craving something, but it wasn't food. I got in my car with a bowl and drove. I (luckily) got high and started thinking clearly about what I was doing. I didn't get food. At the last minute I turned into a 24 hour coffee place and got a small french vanilla cappucino [240] and came home. It's obviously after midnight and into tuesday so I'd say monday food-wise, was decent.

I am hurt by my dad and researching "daddy issues" and feeling a sense of deja vu when I read the descriptions. I am sick of this. I've been home almost 2 weeks and it's just so awkward and lifeless and straining and I'm just ready to leave all over again. I need a job though. I don't have one yet and I can't move until I have a source of income. I can tell my dad resents me for this. He just worked 7 days in a row so I can understand being tired, but is it really necessary to talk to me so roughly and condescendingly and with eyes of contempt? It's not. He doesn't really do it to my brother or my mom; he despises my presence here and it's sucking the life out of me.

And because of all that I am vowing to continue this restriction. I am vowing to keep shedding pounds because I am not thin enough.

I'm doing it again, I'm anxiously chewing on the insides of my lips as I write this.

I've got some stuff to take care of and I need to stay positive. I've been having some good times with my friends here. There are a few male prospects. I am not as fat as I was last month. Or the month before. I am losing weight slowly but surely. I will not binge. I will not wreck this.

I'm listening to the grateful dead and I'm high and I made a good choice tonight. I can get a job. I am flying south to see my sister and baby nephew at the end of the month! I have something to look forward to and that's that.

No offense on the fb delete, *Flushed* - I got paranoid.

Think thin, all. Stay strong every minute. Let the decision to over-indulge weigh heavily on your minds. It's not worth it.

Thinspiration -~-~-~~->

Xo Sar


Anonymous said...

Good luck finding a job. I'm sure you will feel much better once you get out on your own. Sounds like a pretty hostile environment.

Anonymous said...

I chew the inside of my lips, too. And the outside. And the insides of my cheeks. Be careful doing that, because it leads to other bad habits. (Okay, maybe just for freaks like me.) I have also been known to pull out my eyebrows, my hair, tweeze little invisible hairs for ours, and scratch my head until there are scabs on my scalp. It's disgusting. Smoking helps me not do those things, though.

FUCK. Your dad sounds like a grouch. But on the bright side, baby nephews always = happiness!