well hello

well hello

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Chill out

Hey thanks for the encouraging, supportive comments on that last post. I thought I'd update because the binge was truly not commonplace, I mean, I've been being really strong and disciplined. Something happened that night though, it was like a flick of a switch.

The next day I woke feeling full, bloated, and fat. I didn't eat for a good 12-14 hours so then when I finally did, it was an apple. Then candy [350] and some chocolate almond milk [120]. This was yesterday. Doing good, doing great, and then my parents both went to bed (never at the same time though, I'm always waiting later for my dad to go upstairs). I busted out of this house and brushed so much snow off my car and left. I smoked while I drove, thinking I wanted food but then *panicking* hardcore about food, with the binge memory near and clear. I was shaking and couldn't drive right. The green could have something to do with this, but the thought of food was hatefully ripping my soul to pieces.

I compromised with myself, ended up at Wendy's, ordered a "value" fries and donated a dollar to Hunter's Hope so now I have these coupons for free fries and frosties from Wendy's. Wonderful.

So that little snack was 220 calories, but my gluttony does not stop there. I drove myself to that 24 hour coffee place and bought a donut at 250 calories. I was so hungry, I really was. I didn't eat anything else once I got home besides some gum [20]. Here's the thing, there is just not a lot of vegetarian food here. It's a good thing, for sure. It's just that my body starts craving sustenance. It sucks. I've lived here two weeks and a pattern might be forming. I don't eat much during the day because nothing here looks or sounds good, so I restrict. But later on, I start getting that feeling in my stomach of real emptiness. I should be embracing it but instead I'm panicking and thinking about food.

What the fuck.

So on a different note, I played wii for a bit today. Wii sports. Good workout! Especially the tennis and boxing :) I need to exercise more for sure, because just doing it gave me a little motivation. I threw a load of clothes in the washer. Some of them had been sitting in my hamper since before Christmas. I haven't done laundry or anything useful really. This has been a somewhat depressing start to the new year. My attitude is alright but my drive to succeed at life is slipping. My point is that exercise helped, even stubborn old me can admit that.

I can't stop listening to "Bridge over troubled water"...what a beautiful, uplifting song.

I keep having dreams about moving. I'm DONE moving...for awhile. I need a job then an apartment. That's the plan. Ok I have a freaking plan and my back hurts from 10 minutes of exercise and I'm sitting here smoking weed and blowing it out a crack in my childhood bedroom window. LOL. Life shouldn't be taken so damn seriously! I have been taking EVERYTHING so seriously lately and I want/need to chill.

It's snowing again. I need to hit up a store for some things for my cat. Take care everyone.



Ps Think thin duhhh!!!!


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