I hate how everyone in my family has an eating disorder. My mom binge eats, eats fast, eats out of the box, eats late at night. My dad only eats certain foods, mostly junk foods. He eats out of the box. He stops at the store a few times a week and comes back with chips or full size candy bars. I resent the hell out of both of them. My brother doesn't ever eat at home, he "eats out" all the time, he's skinny and slowly becoming a vegetarian. I'll hate myself forever if I influenced him negatively.
I hate myself for caring so much about my body. I hate myself for staring in the mirror so many times a day. I hate how I judge myself for eating. I hate how late at night I start developing these irrational plans to go out and order an entire pizza, to be eaten alone, in my car. I'm sick in the fucking head.
I hate how "family dinners" are a joke around here. The stupid fucking television HAS to be on, no one talks, my parents eat fast, my brother and I eat slow. It's ridiculous and I fucking hate sitting at that stupid fucking goddamn table.
I hate weighing myself. I hate that I was down 4 pounds yesterday and back up 3 today. I hate how many times a day I need to use the bathroom after drinking coffee. I hate my flabby arms and chunky thighs and stomach bulge and chin fat and disgusting ass.
I hate how my hair falls out. I hate how my skin is SO sensitive. I hate how my toenails need to be repainted. I hate myself for being such a desperate, pathetic, needy, loser. I hate myself for fucking shit up for myself. I hate the fact that I want to be in love but am too scared to try. I hate how I act out in public...talk about walls in place and boundaries constructed. I put on my mean face so no one looks at me or can touch me. They do anyways...they always look. I've been getting a lot of looks lately. Maybe because I'm getting thinner, maybe because others can sense my fear and self loathing.
Day 1 at my new job. As far as I know, it's just "paperwork"...but he said it would take 2 hours. Please don't let them drug test me. I smoked last night, I'll fail.
I'll fail again.