Monday, May 16, 2011
After showering, I was combing my hair and kept bumping the comb into my collarbone, "knock", I could feel it inside and outside my body.
It's 2 in the afternoon and all I've had is some candy and coffee.
I'm high. Also, that last job offer fell through, so I'm back to being unemployed.
Tomorrow is my first day of "counseling". I'm shaking in my shoes, literally, I can't stop shaking. There's so much ground to cover, and so little time.
Think thin. I'm trying hard to motivate myself after last week's binge and purge. Oh, I didn't tell you about that...I ordered a (veggie) pizza, ate 5 out of 6 slices, and then puked it up. Sad and a waste of money. I'm gross. The next day I went out to eat and drink with my bff. We had 2 drinks before eating (me with a empty stomach), ate, and had another drink. As soon as we walked out to the car I had a cigarette. Then I become extremely light-headed and hot, opened her car door, and threw up everything. I was strangely relieved.
But that's two pukes in two days. A bit much, really, and I'm still beating myself up for eating like it's ok. It's not ok.
I hate food.
I hate being weak and yet I revel in it. It's the ultimate excuse.
My feet and arms are cut up. I've been a klutz lately. I have had this weird rash on my left arm for about a week and a half. I'm positive it came from my outside job. Luckily, it's not too noticeable. My forehead is breaking out again. My skin is freaking out. Skin is our largest organ; all these skin issues I'm having are directly related to my insides being torn apart with stress and anxiety. I need to chill, I need this therapy to do some good, I need to get out of my freakin' head.