well hello

well hello

Friday, May 20, 2011

You're never there

Mmm Friday. It's been a hell of a week. I managed to overeat every. single. day. Yesterday was promising until I went shopping and smoked in the parking lot afterward. I was feeling good, feeling great...the high of shopping is comparable to Ecstasy, in my humble opinion. I went to Victoria's Secret and got measured, finally. I've been meaning to do it for years. Turns out, I'm a D cup. How 'bout them apples?

I'm thin and tall with big breasts. I should love me. I should celebrate my body and not abuse it. I have a problem with the "shoulds" though. Fuck what I should do. Here's what I did: I binged on a frosted cinnamon roll, pretzels, and some candy. I calculated how many calories it all was and panicked. I decided to get moving, so I went to clean the cat's litter. Then I washed my hands in the bathroom, turned on the ceiling fan, started the shower, bent at the waist, and puked it all out. I threw up until I was weak and retching stomach acid. I felt temporary relief and then a deeply rooted self-loathing.

This is where I take a deep breath and apologize to myself.

Yeah right.

I'm not glad I did it, but it was something that had to be done. It was my punishment for such a hellish week of 2000+ calories each day. This happened last night, around 11:00. It is now the next afternoon and all I've had since puking is black coffee and water. I'm currently smoking a little. I feel thinnish.

That's a lie, actually. I feel fat. I almost hate admitting it, I'm wondering why I am choosing to focus so much attention and interest on my body. Well, it is my body...nothing wrong with keeping it good.

I hope.

I don't want to die, but I'm killing myself.
Slowly.

Smoking cigarettes and marijuana, binging like mad and then puking my guts out. Why?

There's no one reason, there's no easy answer.

On a lighter note, my two new bras are fabulous. They fit properly and make me look thinner! It's nice to wear something so classy and perfectly fitted underneath my clothes.

On a shittier note, I fucking made myself throw up last night. W.T.F. I'm a little scared. I've been bulimic for almost two years. Two years too long. How can I stop this for good??

Think thin...
...Xo
Sar

1 comment:

coffeeXandXcigarettes said...

Shopping when everything is going well and you are finding things that fit right is the best feeling ever. I got measured recently and after thinking I was a B for the last two years it turns out I'm a C, the girls just don't ever stop growing.