Mmm Friday. It's been a hell of a week. I managed to overeat every. single. day. Yesterday was promising until I went shopping and smoked in the parking lot afterward. I was feeling good, feeling great...the high of shopping is comparable to Ecstasy, in my humble opinion. I went to Victoria's Secret and got measured, finally. I've been meaning to do it for years. Turns out, I'm a D cup. How 'bout them apples?
I'm thin and tall with big breasts. I should love me. I should celebrate my body and not abuse it. I have a problem with the "shoulds" though. Fuck what I should do. Here's what I did: I binged on a frosted cinnamon roll, pretzels, and some candy. I calculated how many calories it all was and panicked. I decided to get moving, so I went to clean the cat's litter. Then I washed my hands in the bathroom, turned on the ceiling fan, started the shower, bent at the waist, and puked it all out. I threw up until I was weak and retching stomach acid. I felt temporary relief and then a deeply rooted self-loathing.
This is where I take a deep breath and apologize to myself.
I'm not glad I did it, but it was something that had to be done. It was my punishment for such a hellish week of 2000+ calories each day. This happened last night, around 11:00. It is now the next afternoon and all I've had since puking is black coffee and water. I'm currently smoking a little. I feel thinnish.
That's a lie, actually. I feel fat. I almost hate admitting it, I'm wondering why I am choosing to focus so much attention and interest on my body. Well, it is my body...nothing wrong with keeping it good.
I don't want to die, but I'm killing myself.
Smoking cigarettes and marijuana, binging like mad and then puking my guts out. Why?
There's no one reason, there's no easy answer.
On a lighter note, my two new bras are fabulous. They fit properly and make me look thinner! It's nice to wear something so classy and perfectly fitted underneath my clothes.
On a shittier note, I fucking made myself throw up last night. W.T.F. I'm a little scared. I've been bulimic for almost two years. Two years too long. How can I stop this for good??