well hello

well hello

March 31, 2014

Once.

Unprotected sex with an understudy. He was passing through town, on tour, and ended up in my section of the restaurant on Saturday. I waited on him, we flirted, he left his number and we met up after my shift. We clicked with an interesting rapport. A real mental connection. Of course my fragile heart got involved. We spent the night together in the hotel and even had breakfast. A first for me, usually I try to get out of an intimate situation as fast as I can.

He is already in another city. I texted him "bon voyage" this morning, he said "thank you" and that's it. I can't blow up his phone but I want to keep texting him. I want to hold on tight to the night we shared but for what reason?

I am not interested in a long distance relationship and he will be away for months. Plus he will probably renew his contract which would extend his tour until next year. Before we parted: he said I could travel to see him, that I'd have a place to stay. Did he mean it? Did I ask him? No. Our goodbye was quick. I erupted into tears as he strode away, purposefully.

What was it about him? Or is it just the fact that we had sex? I have been crying off and on for 24 hours. My bff is advising me to take the "plan b" pill, but I'm apprehensive. I've never taken it before. He pulled out. Stuff happens though, and some secret messed up part of me is imagining what if? I'll probably take the pill as a precautionary measure for my own peace of mind. Fifty bucks down the drain.

Deep breath. I am drinking a whiskey and iced tea. I am off tonight, thank god, because work is just going to remind me of him. God, it's so unfair. I finally meet a smart, sexy, kind, and generous man but he is the worst kind of unavailable!! It felt right! He propositioned me. He paid for me. He noticed things about me. He talked to me. He kissed me. I did nothing but be myself!

I got a taste of this...good feeling. He is someone I would want to be with, for real. I haven't felt this in so long. And yet...he's gone. I don't know how he REALLY feels. I'm not going to chase him. I suppose I have to accept what is. The ball is in his court.

The truth is, I could feel myself acting different around him the "morning after". I was self-conscious, shy, and being weird. I knew the inevitability of him leaving and I put a wall up. Looking back now, I should've been better, I should've lightened up a bit. I'm going to try and leave this all as an experience I'll never forget. He left an impact on me. If circumstances were different, we'd be in each other's lives. I will say...the sex was great.

My thoughts are all over the place right now. My will to write has been lacking. I need to try harder in so many areas of my life. I want love so bad. I have to love myself first. I have to be secure somehow.

I "miss" him but it's not miss. It's a kind of mourning...the loss of a potential friend or maybe more...the loss of the part of my heart that he took on a plane with him this morning, as he flew in a big silver bird across the country, away from here, away from me. With me and away from me and I'm without.

I'm hurting but I'll be ok. I don't know what's going to happen but I know that I will be alright.

xo
Sar


2 comments:

Miranda said...

Such a bummer! The two of you didn't really have a chance to see where it could go and that is always such a sad thing. Can you be FB friends at least? That way you could still interact randomly and he wouldn't be gone forever. I only say that it would be great to somehow keep in touch. Maybe the time wasn't right this time but you never know what the future holds. Taking Plan B is the smart choice.

Bella said...

I tend to cry a day or two after hookups sometimes too, especially when our hearts get involved but we don't quite know what's going to happen. There's a connection and we don't hightail it out of there the morning after, but there's still no clear answer for "Was that it? Or is this something more?". We get a taste of that good feeling but we don't know if it's real or not. It gets murky, emotionally, and it sucks.

Sometimes it's best to leave it as an experience you'll never forget, but I think it's worth poking around and seeing what his thoughts are first. Keep in touch with him on a friendly basis, see how things go. It doesn't need to be an immediate start to a relationship, and there was obviously more to that evening than just sex. Maybe you could even just ask him if he was serious about having a place to stay, and if so make tentative travel plans.

Also, I personally think the whole "you have to love yourself before others can love you" thing is a crock of shit. How can we truly love ourselves if we've haven't experienced love? I dunno. Maybe it's just me - I feel like I need to be shown I'm worth love before I could ever love myself.

You will be alright. Keep hanging in there. I hope you got the emergency contraception, because yeah, accidents do happen. If you think it's appropriate, it might be worth looking into the depo shot or contraceptive implant, just so you know you're always protected.

xx