Unprotected sex with an understudy. He was passing through town, on tour, and ended up in my section of the restaurant on Saturday. I waited on him, we flirted, he left his number and we met up after my shift. We clicked with an interesting rapport. A real mental connection. Of course my fragile heart got involved. We spent the night together in the hotel and even had breakfast. A first for me, usually I try to get out of an intimate situation as fast as I can.
He is already in another city. I texted him "bon voyage" this morning, he said "thank you" and that's it. I can't blow up his phone but I want to keep texting him. I want to hold on tight to the night we shared but for what reason?
I am not interested in a long distance relationship and he will be away for months. Plus he will probably renew his contract which would extend his tour until next year. Before we parted: he said I could travel to see him, that I'd have a place to stay. Did he mean it? Did I ask him? No. Our goodbye was quick. I erupted into tears as he strode away, purposefully.
What was it about him? Or is it just the fact that we had sex? I have been crying off and on for 24 hours. My bff is advising me to take the "plan b" pill, but I'm apprehensive. I've never taken it before. He pulled out. Stuff happens though, and some secret messed up part of me is imagining what if? I'll probably take the pill as a precautionary measure for my own peace of mind. Fifty bucks down the drain.
Deep breath. I am drinking a whiskey and iced tea. I am off tonight, thank god, because work is just going to remind me of him. God, it's so unfair. I finally meet a smart, sexy, kind, and generous man but he is the worst kind of unavailable!! It felt right! He propositioned me. He paid for me. He noticed things about me. He talked to me. He kissed me. I did nothing but be myself!
I got a taste of this...good feeling. He is someone I would want to be with, for real. I haven't felt this in so long. And yet...he's gone. I don't know how he REALLY feels. I'm not going to chase him. I suppose I have to accept what is. The ball is in his court.
The truth is, I could feel myself acting different around him the "morning after". I was self-conscious, shy, and being weird. I knew the inevitability of him leaving and I put a wall up. Looking back now, I should've been better, I should've lightened up a bit. I'm going to try and leave this all as an experience I'll never forget. He left an impact on me. If circumstances were different, we'd be in each other's lives. I will say...the sex was great.
My thoughts are all over the place right now. My will to write has been lacking. I need to try harder in so many areas of my life. I want love so bad. I have to love myself first. I have to be secure somehow.
I "miss" him but it's not miss. It's a kind of mourning...the loss of a potential friend or maybe more...the loss of the part of my heart that he took on a plane with him this morning, as he flew in a big silver bird across the country, away from here, away from me. With me and away from me and I'm without.
I'm hurting but I'll be ok. I don't know what's going to happen but I know that I will be alright.