Chill out

Hey thanks for the encouraging, supportive comments on that last post. I thought I'd update because the binge was truly not commonplace, I mean, I've been being really strong and disciplined. Something happened that night though, it was like a flick of a switch.

The next day I woke feeling full, bloated, and fat. I didn't eat for a good 12-14 hours so then when I finally did, it was an apple. Then candy [350] and some chocolate almond milk [120]. This was yesterday. Doing good, doing great, and then my parents both went to bed (never at the same time though, I'm always waiting later for my dad to go upstairs). I busted out of this house and brushed so much snow off my car and left. I smoked while I drove, thinking I wanted food but then *panicking* hardcore about food, with the binge memory near and clear. I was shaking and couldn't drive right. The green could have something to do with this, but the thought of food was hatefully ripping my soul to pieces.

I compromised with myself, ended up at Wendy's, ordered a "value" fries and donated a dollar to Hunter's Hope so now I have these coupons for free fries and frosties from Wendy's. Wonderful.

So that little snack was 220 calories, but my gluttony does not stop there. I drove myself to that 24 hour coffee place and bought a donut at 250 calories. I was so hungry, I really was. I didn't eat anything else once I got home besides some gum [20]. Here's the thing, there is just not a lot of vegetarian food here. It's a good thing, for sure. It's just that my body starts craving sustenance. It sucks. I've lived here two weeks and a pattern might be forming. I don't eat much during the day because nothing here looks or sounds good, so I restrict. But later on, I start getting that feeling in my stomach of real emptiness. I should be embracing it but instead I'm panicking and thinking about food.

What the fuck.

So on a different note, I played wii for a bit today. Wii sports. Good workout! Especially the tennis and boxing :) I need to exercise more for sure, because just doing it gave me a little motivation. I threw a load of clothes in the washer. Some of them had been sitting in my hamper since before Christmas. I haven't done laundry or anything useful really. This has been a somewhat depressing start to the new year. My attitude is alright but my drive to succeed at life is slipping. My point is that exercise helped, even stubborn old me can admit that.

I can't stop listening to "Bridge over troubled water"...what a beautiful, uplifting song.

I keep having dreams about moving. I'm DONE moving...for awhile. I need a job then an apartment. That's the plan. Ok I have a freaking plan and my back hurts from 10 minutes of exercise and I'm sitting here smoking weed and blowing it out a crack in my childhood bedroom window. LOL. Life shouldn't be taken so damn seriously! I have been taking EVERYTHING so seriously lately and I want/need to chill.

It's snowing again. I need to hit up a store for some things for my cat. Take care everyone.

<33

Sar

Ps Think thin duhhh!!!!

(:

Strong-Willed

12:45 and I'm doing laundry and smoking; I changed my sheets and made my bed. I ate two organic waffles with some pure maple syrup (no high fructose corn syrup crap). I am sipping tea and procrastinating some online homework that was actually due last night.

Things have been weird and changing, my moods have shifted with the wind and my stomach is still a huge source of discontent. I am listening to K.T. Turnstall and my neck aches from holding up this heavy head. My heart is healing, I am basically over J. I did dream about him last night. Not *about* him but he was a "co-star". We traveled and must have been dating because in my dream my arm wrapped around his waist so naturally I am recoiling at the conscious thought of it.

It snowed last night; today I woke up to white sprinkles on the dead green grass. The sun was out briefly, which melted some of it, but now it's just gray and foreboding outside; I wish to stay in but I've got to work tonight.

Stretching feels so good and makes me yawn. 

5 weeks of college left. I can hardly believe it. I'm doing it, I'm going to do it, I'm going to graduate college with a bachelor's degree. I will be a Graduate.

But not yet.

I have so much work to do still. Here's what I'm doing:

Class 1: A presentation next friday and 15 page research paper.

Class 2: A PowerPoint & research paper project, plus 2 more blogs with sources (and comments).

Class 3: A debate, an exam, quizzes.

Class 4: 2 more exams, a research paper.

Good Lord. Plus regular work (outside of school), taking care of me and the cat, and planning for the near future (when my lease ends & I graduate- I'm moving AGAIN).

I can do this all. I will be successful. I am capable, intelligent, strong-willed, and on top of things. I am aware.

Stay strong, all. Think thin.

Today is a restricting day for me. I am fine with that and in control.

<333

xo~Sar

Touch the light to the tip of the pipe.

The shortest day of the year and I'm planning to write a paper? I was going to turn it in today but that is not possible. I am a fuck up, a failure. I am wavering on skipping it completely. But I can't CAN'T caN't fail this class. I seriously put effort into this class, but maybe not enough? I don't feel qualified to write this paper. These overbearing thoughts of abandon, grief, sadness, insanity are weighing me down, like Virginia Woolf who put rocks in her pockets and walked into the water. Never coming up for air. Am I living this life? The life of a true depressed person who struggles with every activity, who never lives fully enough to be truly happy, a druggie, a cigarette smoker who poisons others with her habits? Disgust.

Where did Sarah go?

I don't remember myself. I don't know what it is like to be normal. I don't feel normal. I feel anxiety-ridden; heart pounding in my painful, empty chest. Eyes burning and red, glaring a hole through your head with laser beam eyes. Hollow, yet focused. Green and brown and gray and yellow.

Today I met up with T. He was leaving to go home. We said our goodbyes. I am sad.

We slept together Fri. & Sat. night. We are "committed to one another". I miss him terribly; it's only been 2 hours since I've seen him; my heart aches for his presence; my body longs for his touch, for his body to be pressed against mine.

God just writing that hurts. What is this? When did this happen? Where did this need for T. come from? I have no idea if he feels like I do. I mean, yes to a certain extent, he enjoys my company. Whatever that means. Idk. Be still.

I am high again. I smoke a lot. I hope the new year brings me the strength to cut back. I need to, otherwise I am looking at getting booted out of school for failing everything.

Ohgodohgodohgodithurtsithurtsihurt.

Give me liberty or give me death!

Anyone listen to Andrew Bird? Sooo goood.

I walk slowly when I walk away from T.

Today was/is weird.
So was last night.
I am running out of energy to type.
My restless, distracted mind
stops running
changes direction
goes the other way
dragging me with it
whoever that is.

xo, think thin today,

~Sar~