The shortest day of the year and I'm planning to write a paper? I was going to turn it in today but that is not possible. I am a fuck up, a failure. I am wavering on skipping it completely. But I can't CAN'T caN't fail this class. I seriously put effort into this class, but maybe not enough? I don't feel qualified to write this paper. These overbearing thoughts of abandon, grief, sadness, insanity are weighing me down, like Virginia Woolf who put rocks in her pockets and walked into the water. Never coming up for air. Am I living this life? The life of a true depressed person who struggles with every activity, who never lives fully enough to be truly happy, a druggie, a cigarette smoker who poisons others with her habits? Disgust.
Where did Sarah go?
I don't remember myself. I don't know what it is like to be normal. I don't feel normal. I feel anxiety-ridden; heart pounding in my painful, empty chest. Eyes burning and red, glaring a hole through your head with laser beam eyes. Hollow, yet focused. Green and brown and gray and yellow.
Today I met up with T. He was leaving to go home. We said our goodbyes. I am sad.
We slept together Fri. & Sat. night. We are "committed to one another". I miss him terribly; it's only been 2 hours since I've seen him; my heart aches for his presence; my body longs for his touch, for his body to be pressed against mine.
God just writing that hurts. What is this? When did this happen? Where did this need for T. come from? I have no idea if he feels like I do. I mean, yes to a certain extent, he enjoys my company. Whatever that means. Idk. Be still.
I am high again. I smoke a lot. I hope the new year brings me the strength to cut back. I need to, otherwise I am looking at getting booted out of school for failing everything.
Give me liberty or give me death!
Anyone listen to Andrew Bird? Sooo goood.
I walk slowly when I walk away from T.
Today was/is weird.
So was last night.
I am running out of energy to type.
My restless, distracted mind
goes the other way
dragging me with it
whoever that is.
xo, think thin today,