I'm the other woman

Why is being thin the only thing that matters?

My hip bones are poking out and my stomach is empty and my head is spinning and I am falling falling falling down the rabbit hole, like Marya warned, and I'm scared.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
So so true that is.

I have been *successfully* restricting the past few days. On thanksgiving I piled little spoonfuls of all the side dishes on my plate and sampled them. I was so "full" I couldn't finish. I left all the food on my plate, I looked around our table of nine, and saw clear dishes. I had no dessert; I took a nap. I was the odd one out, the strong one, the vegetarian, the disciplined little brat who made everyone uncomfortable with her jutting collarbones and sallow complexion.

The best part of the week was Wednesday, the night before thanksgiving. I went out with my best friend and we got smashed. We ended up getting a ride back to her house with these guys (we knew them) and getting crazy in her living room, while her mom slept upstairs. No sex, just lots of making out..

I was hooking up with J. but he APPARENTLY has a girlfriend, who's going to school in Vermont. I stalked her on facebook and of course she's gorgeous, thin, and there were tons of pictures of the two of them. APPARENTLY they are not in love, though. Whatever, not my problem. Him and I have just been texting non stop and he's called me twice. I might see him tonight.

Oh god and I'm getting sick. My whole head hurts. My throat feels sore. My stomach feels funny. But I WILL BE THIN!

Because being thin is all that matters....



Think thin*

xo Sar

Insomnia

It's almost four in the morning and thundering. My empty stomach is growling and keeping me awake.

*think thin 


Much love to you lovely thin people.

xo ~ Sar

Ride of the Valkyries

I am SO mad. MaD. mAd.

Last night my goal was to get as fucked up as possible so I drank 3 glasses of wine and smoked copious amounts of marijuana. I even smoked a cigarette. Here's why:

Yesterday after work I went to Wal Mart. I was looking for mini scissors to trim my eyebrows with but ended up on a shopping spree of sorts. I got some pajama pants and hair gel and other assorted items. Hardly any food just an Amy's organic tv dinner and some yogurt. I bumped into 3 of T.'s best friends. I see them everywhere, and he's never with them. Yes T. the person who has got much space on this blog and time on my mind in the last year. Isn't that pathetic? I wanted to know exactly when I last had sex so I went searching through my words and posts over the months. It was February. Almost a year ago, jeez.

My point is that I am not over T. I guess. I saw his friends and awkwardly said hello. I looked for him and he wasn't with them. I texted him, stupidly. He did not answer, obviously.

Guys this is serious. I need to let him GO. I almost cried last night, after I saw them (T.'s friends) I got myself thinking about things and taking a familiar route towards thoughts of him and us. It is so DAMN STUPID. And the best part? Alllllll along, since him and I left each other in April, I've been seeing other men. He's been with his girlfriend and they're in "love". Fuck love.

So I wrote an emo fucking letter to T., which I'll never send. I smoked a little. I used el bano. I ate one yogurt (100 calories) and am feeling considerably thinner than yesterday. I went to bed hungry and woke up due to hunger. I hate hunger. I hate food.

I need serious help. I won't get it though, because it's like I am afraid of being okay. How strange to type that out. Why wouldn't I want to be okay? Probably because a troubled life is all I've known. So I'm used to getting the shaft in all situations.

The truth is that I have a lot to be grateful for and happy about. My parents are still alive and still together. No one in my immediate family is suffering from terminal illness (at the moment, knock on wood). I am not deformed or mentally handicapped. I am attending college in America. I am not living on welfare. I have a job (temporarily). I have a pet (which has it's benefits and disadvantages). I am not deaf or blind. I am not "ugly". I am not diseased. I am actually in a pretty good spot, it seems.

Maybe there's even more positives. I guess it's good to put myself in perspective. I am feeling so down today, it could be the gray skies and rain, it could just be my brain chemicals.

I am ready for another hair change. Right now it's highlighted. It's just growing so fast, and I think I'm ready to go dark. I will probably do that over Thanksgiving break, hopefully.


Oh man, thanksgiving: a time of gluttony and feasting. Sick. I will do my best to fast the entire day until the meal. I will only eat vegetarian food stuffs and little portions; no one will be watching, they'll all be helping with the baby (my nephew!). Maybe I'll just fill up on wine and salad, no one will be the wiser. Yup. I've got a plan.

I am not afraid. I can do this. I need to stay thin and be thinner. It's a good way to not hate myself.

Today I am getting coffee with C. We'll see how that goes...

Think thin.
xo ~ Sar

:Title

Where were you this week? I DID fast the day of that last post, but no support, no comments, and I am pretty sure I eventually caved and ate something because I thought to myself, no one cares. Rightly so.

This has been the week from hell. On Monday, while I was working (with J.) a car fucking CRASHED into the building, leaving us all in shock. J. came over after work and we smoked a blunt and talked about the madness. On Tuesday, I bought a frozen pizza and ATE THE ENTIRE THING. On Thursday, I did the same thing...that is, bought ANOTHER frozen pizza, cooked it, and ATE THE ENTIRE THING IN ONE SITTING. Followed by laxatives, like a champ. Do you care to know the calories in one whole Freschetta Spinach and Mushroom pizza? 1230 calories. Times 2. (Yes I bought the same pizza twice). Plus all the other shit I ate this week? Luckily it was stretched over the days but bottom line, I NEEDED YOU and you were not here.

Story of my life.

Edit:
It's been three hours.
I did three loads of laundry. I ate one slice of toast with some peanut butter & banana slices [220] and drank some green tea. I have not showered but I have smoked. I was mad earlier, at myself, at "you", whoever that is; I am still angry, only just not so much. I spoke with my mom about various worries and anxieties (never food though, definitely don't talk about that with anyone) and it helped a little. We're all getting ready for a HUGE family get together.

Edit:
I just need to finish this post. It is now a *day* later. I am sitting here again, smoking, and about to take a shower before I go to work. I have not smoked a cigarette since Thursday. That's a good thing. I am craving one, but I really can't afford them and should not buy them.

Just now I stood up and walked around for a minute. I'm losing it. I have no attention span, and something is going on with my keyboard, or maybe it's my fingers, or maybe it's my computer. I don't know, either way something is wrong and it freaking blows.

You know what else blows? I have not been laid in MONTHS! Oh mygosh soooo long. The last person was T. I just took a second, looked away, and thought back to when we had sex. I am unsure exactly what month it was, but it was at the beginning of the year. It was so private and sensual. Sex really is huge. It is as close as two people can be. It is an invasion, and I am realizing that I really equate sex with love, because there needs to be some sort of trust. I feel sickened, dirty.

I need a shower. I hate myself for wanting sex but I am horny, damnit! It's been a long time, but there really isn't anyone I could do it with. C.? No. J.? No.

I'd obviously do it with T., but he's still with his girl. Living with her. Having emo pictures of him and his girl being taken and put on facebook. I hate him but I'd be with him again in a second.

Perhaps this is holding me back.

I hate admitting reality, I'd much rather live in Sar Land.. Too bad so sad. I have to PARTICIPATE IN LIFE but I don't, I just have not been. I've blown off every counseling session for at least a month now. I *was* rescheduling but the last time I just didn't bother. I don't want to sit there and talk. I want to be better by myself.

Some friends of mine from back home were supposed to come visit me here in College Town this weekend, but I canceled it. I just want to be alone with my e.d. It's so fucked....

And home alone, I've been. I am always alone. The cat's here but he's not a person. I talk to him sometimes but he doesn't talk back.

I skipped a bunch of classes last week, and every week. I didn't turn in a paper that was due on Friday, I just skipped and didn't email my professor and didn't bother writing it. I keep telling myself I will, but it's already Sunday and I'm going to work and I just don't feel like using my brain.

That's what this all comes down to. I am lazy as hell and it's killing me and making me fat. So fat. Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

I just stared at the screen as I was typing those three evil letters over and over with a space in between. It's like barring my soul, I guess.

I had so many dreams last night, all of them blurry. I can't remember them. I take it as a sign that I've been smoking far too much weed. Well what the fuck else can I do without my cigarettes? Oh Lord I crave them. Should I buy some?

I am going nuts.

Think thin. I am fasting today. I have been using this weekend to "repair" the damage of the pizzas. I have been restricting but I need to just fast today. It'll be easy because I'm going to work, and I never want to eat there. I'll be back later.

Oh yeah I lost two followers. I was surprisingly hurt. Fuck it. I don't need "followers" -- or do I?

Guess I'm not "pro-ana" enough. Well you know what. I am pro-nothing. I am a fucking lunatic and would not wish my current state of affairs on anyone. I wish I could eat normally. I know that I never will. I wish I didn't obsessively count fucking calories in my head, after everything. I wish I could keep food in the house, like a normal person. Ha! If it's there I want it. I hate it and I love it and it's so fucked fucked fucked and sometimes I just don't want to write about it! E.d. is already taking up enough space in my head, can't I use this place to clear my fucking thoughts?

I realize I have sounded somewhat harsh throughout this post, but it's okay because this is my little page on the web and I can say whatever I want, dammit. Thank you to the U.S. Constitution! Free speech babes!

Except this isn't speech is it? It's a fucking figment of your imagination. I don't exist.

Orange candle, never lit

and never will be, it's merely decoration. It's ten in the morning and I was woke at six by a text from C. This whole thing between us is pretty ridiculous. We both have feelings for each other, he is just very up front with it. I choose to hold back (because as you all know I've been hurt in the recent past by wearing my heart on my sleeve) and he tries to pull it out of me. Well the truth is that we just don't know each other that well, but it feels like we do, because we've "known each other" for about a year.

Enough about that. I made my bed. I smoked a little, I did the dishes, I emptied the garbages and cleaned the litter box. I can shower now. Except, I'm dying for a cigarette. I know it's a terrible habit and have been SORT OF trying to cut back. It's fucking hard though, there are just so many opportunities to smoke... I have daily traditions in place that I don't necessarily think of until I'm in the act. For example, smoking a cig on the way to class or work. I ALWAYS do this so when I don't, I feel like something is missing. Something IS missing but I just don't want to freaking get lung cancer or some shyt so I might as well try and QUIT! or, CUT BACK!

But I might go outside and have one real quick, before my shower so the smell is washed away.

I am fasting today as you might know if you read last night's frantic post. I was gross this weekend and MUST make it better! Ugh I can't blame my period, as much as I want to. I was just emotional this weekend, or something, who cares?

It's a new week and I've got tons of shit to do but at least I am starting it off with a clean apartment and a fast. I have class today and then work so I will be on the go. I'll be thinking of you, and C. who is supposed to call me tonight so we can YET AGAIN try to make things better, because the last two times we talked on the phone were a little tense. We are fine, it's just a matter of making some plans. He likes plans. He likes knowing he's going to see me. It's a little intense and I must continually tell myself, it's okay, nothing major is happening, this is fine, this is safe.

I am so neurotic.

Think thin today, or fast with me! I'd love to come home later tonight to some support so I can keep up the good work! My stomach is already grumbling, well whatever stomach! You ate enough this weekend it's time for a break!

Think thin*
Be Strong*

xo~ Sar

Crash

I binged this entire weekend. I'm a mess. C. and I are fighting because he asked me to hang out again and I said I don't know. I am so full from so much food. Help help help help help. I haven't showered since Friday. The presentation went okay but I was visibly shaking the whole time. I am stressed about the past, present, and future. C. was too easy to push away.

I won't give you today's calorie count, it's enough to make anyone vomit uncontrollably. Definitely over 2000. I hate myself, sitting here in my pajamas at 11:11 pm, my phone hasn't rang all day, I'm a loser, baby. So why don't you kill me?

I just watched a few movies today, actually just parts of movies. I am so easily distracted that I turn the channel with every commercial and inevitably end up missing parts.

I hate me, I hate this fat ass and this fat stomach and these tree trunk thighs. I am grotesque and undeserving of anything good. C. is a good guy who WAS genuinely into me, and I pushed him so far away I bet I'll never get him back. All because he asked me out to go get food. I'm so FUCKING AFRAID of eating in front of people I said no and he thinks it has something to do with him! Ha!

What a joke I am, what a joke my life has turned into. I am a sad sad soul, going nowhere, alone.

Think thin, please.

I am fasting tomorrow, obviously, to make up for my disgusting binging this weekend. I need to NOT hate myself so much, it just seems impossible.

Nerves

Tomorrow is the culmination of my senior seminar, I'm presenting in front of my classmates, various teachers, and the open public. I am nervous as fuck and not fully prepared. I am highly caffeinated though, and I have an outline. So I'll get to it. It's at one in the afternoon tomorrow and I plan to starve myself to ensure I look decent in front of the freakin' audience. I am not one for public speaking but I will be graded on this and wish to do great! I don't wish actually... I am envisioning success.


Wish me luck.

Think thin.

xo

Smoke and Mirrors

I woke up with a sore throat. I knew this cold weather would catch up to me. Last night was great.
I sent him a text saying we should meet somewhere neutral. He responded with a wonderful suggestion, drinks & a game at the bar. Not just any bar, this sweet bar that I rarely go to! We met up (he was 10 minutes late) (he's like me: a slave to time) and he bought his own drink and I bought my own. He has mentioned before that he used games to make me jealous or hurt me or something. Now that I'm recalling the events of the beginning of the evening, I'm realizing that his actions were most likely deliberate. It all makes so much sense.

Let me explain, we've been emailing a lot about some really personal things, and I let him know about J. and how I liked J. because he was kind of a dick. He said, accurately, that maybe the reason I liked him is because I don't like myself and wish to treat myself poorly. Spot on! Is this dude a psychologist?

No, he's not.
Anyway, we had a nice time playing "scattergories" at the first bar. I drank two beers. (He had three). He said, let's go to another bar. I said, sure! He put the game in his car and we walked a few blocks to the bar. (Burned some of those beer calories through the walk!) We had a beer. Then he asked what I'd like to do. I said, Idk, go home. He asked if I'd like to walk to another bar. I think he wanted to spend some time with me. So off to the third bar we walked. We "split" a beer. Oh God. I just remembered!

The bartender asked, do you want two straws with that beer? Hahaha. Implying that we were lovers! You know it's just an offhand comment but remembering that just now made me blush and smile.

So I barely drank any of it, three beers and I'm good. We walked back to our cars (in the cold, no wonder I feel sick today) and paused, awkwardly. That moment where you say goodbye is always so incredible. The tension is thick and both are thinking about kissing. Will it happen?
It didn't for us, we hugged. For awhile. It was nice to be hugged. He is strong. He squeezed me! I tried to squeeze back! Lol at us.

So, we parted ways, with sheepish grins and hopes for the future. I, being a fat ass, drove to McDonald's for french fries. I knew I wouldn't binge, I'm a vegetarian so they don't exactly cater to me. But I wanted salty. So I ordered fries and a water and drove home, eating the fries on the way. Eating? I mean stuffing them into my mouth as fast as possible while I drove through the dark wilderness. I live in the middle of nowhere so the commute is always through forest and fields.

Of course I texted C. when I got home, making sure he was safe. We texted a little, he said, "I'm really quite impressed with how much fun we have around each other. I love looking into your eyes." *swoon*

I just responded with, "I like the way you hug me."
He said, "I hope you have sweet dreams, Sarah. Good night."
I said nothing and went to sleep.

It was not a good sleep. You know when you fall asleep with all your jewelery on and it annoys you while you're actually asleep. It's really a lucid experience.

It's eleven in the morning and I'm smoking a pipe. Is that bad? Tell me honestly, is that really so bad? My throat hurts, hmm, I'll make some green tea.

Less than two hours to get to class and I'm stoned and haven't even showered. I hate to part ways with you, too, dear reader. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

I go back and forth with my feelings about C. That's okay. No decisions about him need to be made right now. I just need to let it be. Enjoy it. Don't rush it because that's how shit gets fucked up.

I've felt pretty emotional lately. I wonder if it shows in my writing.

Monday Thinspo (Be Strong Today):

 Don't smoke though. Just be thin.

I <3 Natalie Portman.

and you.

Peace.

Xo Sar

Bust your windows

Sunday's have this strange gloom cast over them. I feel ready and apprehensive at the same time. Today I am hanging out with C. We are meeting up after the football game. I am fearing this, I am scared of looking fat. We talked on the phone last night and he asked if I wanted to meet for a late breakfast today. Um, are you crazy? I don't eat in front of people. I just said, no I don't want to meet for breakfast, how about something else? Haha I was vague and I doubt he'll ask me about it, he's too polite.

Remember C.? Idk if I've wrote about him, probably have because about 50% of the blog is devoted to my boy-crazyness. We've been talking and emailing. I had been talking to some guys on the side the whole time (obviously because I'm pimpin') but it's been pretty consistent with him for awhile. I don't know what I think of him. I enjoy talking to him but to tell you the truth I am absolutely terrified to be alone with him. Isn't that weird?? 

I'm supposed to go to his house (the home his mother died in) and play a game and have a drink maybe. I just am sitting here, worrying. The worry engulfs my body if I let it. I guess that I'm just so self conscious I can't even be comfortable in front of men.

I guess I'll see if he'd be willing to meet me downtown for coffee. That's a neutral place, right?

I am petrified of getting to know him because I secretly know that we'd probably be a great couple. Why would I deny myself? Because I'm not ready. I don't wish to be tied down, and literally can't. I've got too much stuff to do for school.

I've also got thin objectives to look after. I need to stop eating so much. I hate myself when I binge, so I try to buy healthy foods. I eat celery and carrots dipped in hummus. That's a pretty healthy freakin' snack.

Wish me luck. I hope I suck it up and just go there and enjoy myself. I don't want to be nervous but this dude is intense. Take care, lovelies.

Today - Kashi bar [180] some O.J. [80]

Think thin.

Xo Sar

Strong-Willed

12:45 and I'm doing laundry and smoking; I changed my sheets and made my bed. I ate two organic waffles with some pure maple syrup (no high fructose corn syrup crap). I am sipping tea and procrastinating some online homework that was actually due last night.

Things have been weird and changing, my moods have shifted with the wind and my stomach is still a huge source of discontent. I am listening to K.T. Turnstall and my neck aches from holding up this heavy head. My heart is healing, I am basically over J. I did dream about him last night. Not *about* him but he was a "co-star". We traveled and must have been dating because in my dream my arm wrapped around his waist so naturally I am recoiling at the conscious thought of it.

It snowed last night; today I woke up to white sprinkles on the dead green grass. The sun was out briefly, which melted some of it, but now it's just gray and foreboding outside; I wish to stay in but I've got to work tonight.

Stretching feels so good and makes me yawn. 

5 weeks of college left. I can hardly believe it. I'm doing it, I'm going to do it, I'm going to graduate college with a bachelor's degree. I will be a Graduate.

But not yet.

I have so much work to do still. Here's what I'm doing:

Class 1: A presentation next friday and 15 page research paper.

Class 2: A PowerPoint & research paper project, plus 2 more blogs with sources (and comments).

Class 3: A debate, an exam, quizzes.

Class 4: 2 more exams, a research paper.

Good Lord. Plus regular work (outside of school), taking care of me and the cat, and planning for the near future (when my lease ends & I graduate- I'm moving AGAIN).

I can do this all. I will be successful. I am capable, intelligent, strong-willed, and on top of things. I am aware.

Stay strong, all. Think thin.

Today is a restricting day for me. I am fine with that and in control.

<333

xo~Sar

Pictures of Thin

My cat cried and danced around, implying "I WANT FOOD!" I cleaned his dish ever so carefully and filled it with a heaping 1/3 cup full of high-priced cat food. He devoured most of it in a flurry, and then? Puked. Twice. On my rug.

My cat is bulimic. 

He just went back for the rest of it, and is now chugging water. What the fuck? Cats can't learn such things, right?

I'd argue that cats really can't *learn* anything - they don't have the brain capacity. I just wanted to post that amusing little anecdote.

He's seemingly fine now. I'm doing okay. Besides cleaning up cat puke, this morning is not horrible. I got some sleep last night, but with vivid, disturbing dreams as per usual. I am smoking a little morning bowl. I had an entire glass of water already. I've been drinking so much water. I <3 my Brita.

It's now 11:02 in the morning. I will shower and go to campus. I can do this. I will bring all my books and do research. Yup. It'll be good. It needs to happen and today is a good day to do it. 

Thanks for the comments last night, I know binges happen, I just really HATE when I give in. Today isn't looking so bad so hopefully I'll be real strong. I have to be strong.

Today (Wednesday) I will: Shower, Go to Campus, Attend Presentation, Do Research in Preparation for Tomorrow's Project, Do the Dishes, Do Laundry.

That's so typical of me, to take one thing and turn it into a list. I'm going to stick to it. Stay strong Sar. Stay strong Readers.

Thinspo ->

I feel a little stronger after viewing these pictures. If these bitche$ can do it so can I.

Peace, xo~Sar

Think thin*

Ache.

I'm feeling really depressed. If one more thing goes wrong I may just pop. I binged tonight and I hate myself for allowing binge foods in my apartment. I bought things like cookie dough and microwavable pizzas. I ate so much, and then I ate one laxative. I really should just puke but I don't have the energy.

I deserve to suffer with this fat stomach of mine. I deserve to hate myself all day tomorrow for tonight's recklessness. I am so behind in school. I am losing it.

Get me the fuck out of here, will you? I need change, I need help, I need guidance. I'm falling.

I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me.

Yell at me please. Hurt me with your words.

Halloweener

Were you good? I avoided candy all weekend until I got home last night. I binged on a few "mini" candies (mini snickers, mini skittles, mini starburst, mini whoppers). Yes, I know. Disgusting. Thank the good Lord it's over but ladies this is just the start of the Holidays. Goody.

My stomach is full and I am sure I will be using the bathroom shortly. I will be fasting today to make up for last night's candy binge. It's getting easier to go long periods of time without eating. I did it Friday. Friday I was so hungry I was shaking. I ended up going home for the weekend.We partied! Both nights! So I suppose my booze intake counts but I am mostly concerning myself with limiting "solid food stuffs".

It's a little before eleven in the morning and I am having a hard time waking up/putting together a clear thought. I took some Advil PM last night so I could sleep soundly. I slept ok, but with vivid dreams and I did wake up a few times, only to roll over and pass back out. But whatever. I don't exactly feel rested but I don't feel UNrested either. Ugh. This is a boring post.

Time for some smoke then.

I'm not going to push myself super hard today. I lost a lot of sleep over the weekend so today's goals are thus: Attend one and only class.
Unpack from the weekend/get organized.
Avoid food.
Clean up a little.

There, that's not bad. It's nice knowing the craziness won't start until tomorrow. Today is J.'s birthday. Maybe  I'll see him, maybe I won't. We hung out twice last week. That's enough about him. I am trying like hell to "forget him".

***************************************************

I think the reason I like blogger so much is because I feel literally connected to others (you). It gets lonely living alone. I like hearing from you. I miss having close friends. It was great seeing my girls this weekend but the distance really does wedge a hole between us. We're not as tight as we have been. But I understand my situation is temporary. Soon I will be back in the area. Soon. Six weeks and I'm a graduate. Sexy.

Of course there were pictures. My friend put some up on facebook from Friday. Haha I was a "school girl" and my legs look slim in the pictures. My arms and stomach need toning.

I am a work in progress. I have not been happy with my body in a long time. I was thinner a year and a half ago, before I started purging. Isn't that odd? I see the pictures and feel sure that I was thinner then. I am done comparing. It was me, I'm me today. I hate my body but doesn't everyone? I just want to be better/look better/feel better so I'm going to keep on keeping on.

I'm going to try to be thinner like really really TRY. I just need and want to stop hating myself. Once I look better I know that I'll end the sabotage I pound into my head through words. Once I am thinner everything will be better.

How cliche I am. What's happened to me?

Welcome to November.

Let's make this a good month.

Let's make this a good day.

Fasting is easy if you tell yourself how strong you are for staying in control.

Think thin*

xo~Sar