Goodbye 2013

Last post of the year. I'm feeling slightly better than yesterday. Still reflective as hell though. I have to be at work in two hours. Yes, I am stuck working New Year's Eve until 2AM. That's the biz, kid. It's interesting that I'll be making money instead of being out spending it. I have fears, of course. You know me. Always scared. My fear is that I will "mess up". Ohh boy. That'll be the end of the world, huh?

I kind of binged last night on m&ms. Feeling bad about it but refuse to give in. It happened, it's over. I'll be running around like crazy tonight so I won't be eating. Just had a salad and chugging coffee. I debated buying a mini bottle and keeping it in my apron but pretty sure that's a terrible idea. It's the idea of an alcoholic! I can wait to drink until I'm out. Unless my boss offers me champagne of something (VERY doubtful) which I would def take.

Well. I slept in today. Forgot I was out of creamer so I ran to the store. The countdown to the craziness is officially on. I haven't even showered yet. I honestly do not know what to expect tonight but if I can be truthful, it's kinda nice not to have to make plans and get people together and wonder about a kiss.

Although...one of the guys I've been talking to just texted me saying, "you should stop by for a pre new years kiss before work". But I told him no. No time. It's flying by.

Alright guys.....thanks so much for following my blog and reading and commenting. I really appreciate it! I know I can be a huge downer but I've got faith and hope in the future! I'm going to be just fine. So are you.

And yes I know I blog about Ednos. Staying thin. Weight. Binges. Purging. Drugs. I know these topics are not comfortable or polite, but they are such a part of my life, and maybe yours. I will defend staying thin until I die because I truly believe it's important to be in shape. It's more healthy.

I realize the boundaries are blurred and the tactics are impure at times. Society is struggling, women and girls everywhere identify with this plight. So it's hard, as a "writer", to know how much to confess, because I don't want to hurt anyone. But sometimes I do want to hurt myself.

It's mental. This is not so much an apology - more like a foot note. I think you understand, though. I love you for it.

Much peace. Have a great and safe New Year. I'll be downtown slinging drinks...but who knows how this night will end up. If you've been reading for awhile you know that my NYE normally tends towards the dramatic. Fingers crossed for much money and good moods all around.

LOVE/PEACE
xo
Sarah

Illusive

I get tired of being so cold. I was laying in my bed late last night, alone, thinking how isolated I've felt. It occurred to me that I've made it this way. I've kept people out, refused to let them in.

Remember all the guys I mentioned in my last post? Well I've somewhat successfully pushed them away, squashed their budding interest, painted a bleak picture of me...and for what? To preserve the self? To maintain icy composure? To allude myself into thinking that I've got control? BECAUSE I DON'T.

Here's what I have: a jaded and bitter personality, a frown, a headache, heartache, and a sense of loss that is encompassing. I am worried about me. I am concerned that it is too late for me. What's next? How do I fix this?

I've been so concerned with appearing aloof, cool, nonchalant, serious, smart, and better than everyone. I fear that I have lost my goofy giddiness. I used to be the girl who smiled all the time. People would say, "you sure smile a lot!". People would smile back.

The bottomline is that I hate myself. Still. After everything - quitting so many jobs for "better" ones, writing until my hands hurt, talking it out with friends, hours and hours in therapy, the beginning of a repaired relationship with my parents, the birth of my nephew and the love that I feel for him, moving out and away from my hometown, ending toxic friendships, getting a cat...I could go on but NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING helps. Seemingly.

Perhaps I am making strides, albeit slow ones. I'm talking SLOW. And this is a huge perhaps.

The one guy I *was* talking to (we hung out four times) told me that I "love to play games" and that I am "too illusive for him to keep up with". That hurt. Is he right? What the hell am I doing??

It's the end of the year and I'm feeling contemplative as usual. What's sad is that if you go back and reread my last posts from Dec. 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, and 2008 (I've been blogging a long time), you'll see no change. Or if there is change it's BRIEF AS FUCK. I've been ending the year on a sad note forever.

Will I be ok? Will I improve? Will I find love? I am 27 years old. This is my golden age! What scares me the most is what if I meet the man of my dreams (and it's possible that I already have) but push him away? I don't want to die alone. I want love. I'm just so scared. Of everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I keep dreaming about schools. I'm considering teaching as a life path. It would be a big decision but I need to keep trying. Never give up. On love or life.

2014 will be a better year.
Maybe it will be *my* year.
And your year.

Thx for reading all this.

Love ya,
XO
~S

Merry Christmas

Good morning and Merry Christmas. I'm sitting here in my apartment sipping coffee and listening to some music while my cat runs around chasing his new toy. I did all of my shopping last night, like a crazy person. It didn't go good but at least I won't show up empty handed.

I've still got to get ready, wrap gifts, stop at the store, and leave for my parent's house in just about an hour.

Too be honest I haven't been looking forward to this holiday but now that it's here I'm just going to try and make the best of it.

I'm going to (secretly) weigh myself at my parent's house today - they have a scale. I'll be curious to see how much weight I've lost.

Stay strong today, you guys. It's just dinner. Cookies are optional. When in doubt, take it to go and toss it.

In a day the madness will be over. I'm working New Year's Eve so the holiday season ends here.
Sending you love and peace. Can you send me some too?

Merry Christmas, loves.
XO
~Sarah

Hey, hey, what do you say?

I've been working my ASS off. Have never worked this much in my life. Also, I've been meeting a lot of men. This weekend alone I have had four guys ask me to hang out. I chose to hang with two of them, one on Friday, one last night. Needless to say, the extra attention makes this gal feel pretty damn good. No sex yet, but I could've easily got laid either night. I'm not willing to let anyone "in" just yet. Be sure to update if that happens, I know you guys like juicy details.

It must be true what they say about how keeping busy/doing "you"/not dwelling on men is the key to attracting several of them at once.

It is worth noting that last night I kissed this guy, we shall call him B. aaaand we work together. I will see him this afternoon. Hopefully it won't be awkward, but I was drinking rum on the rocks at his place and we smoked a blunt so I was feeling bold. I said, "if this continues being cool and you're not a total dick, maybe we can hook up at work, a fantasy of mine"...

Did I really say that last night? Yes, yes I did. Oh Sar.

I've got to hop in the shower and chug this coffee. Working a double today. Again tomorrow. And then it's Christmas. Still have to shop for my family. I will be a Christmas Eve shopper this year (again). Oh well, could be worse. #FirstWorldProblems.

Love ya'll.

XO
Sar

Back on track

Good morning.

Last time I checked in with you I was feeling FAT but I did great on thanksgiving! Lots of delicious salad filled my plate. No potatoes, turkey, stuffing, or gravy. (LOVE being a vegetarian). I even woke up the next day feeling quite thin!! But then my debit card was hacked so I was super sad and scared and proceeded to binge my weekend away. =(

Luckily, working two jobs and being broke equals me going down a size in a week. I'm not quite where I want to be, but I'm hell of a lot closer than I was.

The jobs are going alright. I'm fighting off sickness. Still haven't paid rent but I was actually in another car accident so I should be getting some money. That will help. I've been stressed. I've had zero appetite. Just so tired.

2013 is almost over. Crazy. Stay strong people, and keep your eyes on the prize! I'm thinking thin today, how about you?

ps I've fallen back in love with Lose It on my smart phone. It REALLY helps me see what I'm eating and it breaks down your day to show you the percentage of fat and carb grams. This is essential for weight loss. Prior to taking control back, my fat percentage was a tad...up. Now I'm keeping it low.

I can't wait to finally have spending money again. I'm buying a scale for sure.

Feeling thankful

Happy Thanksgiving, all!

My plan for dinner is to eat minimally my favorites, and no seconds. Then I'll be "way too full for dessert".

I've been doing a lot better with my intake. And plan to keep it that way. I'm going to lose about 10 pounds, and I'm already down 1. Baby steps.

Had a great time with C. last night.

=)

Stay Strong,
and have a nice holiday !!

Xx
~S

First Day

Good morning. Today is my first day of work. I am nervous and excited. I also feel enormous. I hate being so fat. I hate how soft my body is. I hate how out of shape and gross I am. I was looking in the mirror and almost puked at the sight of my fat stomach, fat arms, fat thighs, and fat ass. I'm fat. I just had to get these thoughts out. I need to get serious about working out. Time is not on my side anymore. Nobody told me that your late twenties are filled with fat days.

I reinstalled Lose It on my cell phone and I've been tracking my intake. I've been taking long walks. It's not enough. It's NEVER ENOUGH. I just want a slim, smooth body. No lumps or bumps under my clothes. I want to see more bones. I need to lose weight. I am grotesque.

Not sure why I woke up feeling especially huge. OK, I know exactly why. Yesterday I did not eat very healthy. And I slept like shit last night. Combined with getting dressed in "business casual" for the first time in a month and I am so ashamed to say that my size four black pants are tight. They fit but they're too tight. I have gained. I am so upset about this. So I sit here currently, wearing my size six black pants, feeling like a failure. A fat failure on her first day.

It's time to buy a scale and get with the program. What is happening to me? I'm sick of camouflaging my body, strategically wearing clothes to cover my blubber. God help me.

Think thin.

I'm off, peace.
xo
-S.

Progress

I got a job!!!!!!!
Finally!

I am thrilled, it is a part time position working as an academic mentor at the city elementary school! THIS is why I quit my last job. THIS is what I've been waiting for. A job with meaning! I will make a difference! I will work with inner city youth in math and english. THIS will be a learning experience and help me grow as a person and I'm just...happy!

Peace, Xo
-S

The blues

Happy veteran's day. I've been drinking today and currently feeling depressed, lonely, and bored. Should that be my facebook status? Dear World, I FUCKING HATE you.? No, keep the facade, believe the lie. It's all going to be fine. It's 7pm and I'm slurring my words. It's monday and it feels like the weekend. I put myself here and I'll get myself out. If only I didn't feel this way.

I hate loneliness. Listening to Pearl Jam. Drinking a beer. Had a fun time with my gf and now I'm alone in my apartment with my cat and texting whoever for a little bit of attention. Life is glorious.

And my hands are tired. And my heart is scared. "I guess that's why they call it the blues" by Elton John just came on Pandora. Fitting, I'd say.

I did this to myself. OWN UP, SAR! Deal. Just. fucking. deal.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amateur hour

Uninspired

It's five in the eve
I sit here alone
demotivated,
deconstructing my decision
to bleed my soul out
by way of prose or poem
tonight at the mic.

I don't even care anymore
what I do or where I'm going...
It's easy to lie to everyone.
It's tempting to display
a face of fearlessness,
a fake path lit up -by light-
in front of me!

Day after day
nothing changes,
what remains is
the constant hurt...
What doesn't change
is my mindset,
the black hole where
my thoughts go to die.

Existential crisis

Good morning, earthlings. I'm currently freaking the fuck out. I got about 12 hours of sleep last night because I slammed 2 beers at like 8pm and then passed the fuck out. I am officially bored and the self-loathing is leaking back in. Where will my new job be? I have applied so many places. I've been on 4 interviews. The temp agency is sending my resume out. NOTHING yet. Also, I finally went home to see my parents and got to hear from my dad how he really feels about the whole situation. Read: pissed.

And he's right. I'm reckless. I have financial responsibilities that will not take care of themselves. I can't fuck around in some part time position like I wish I could. I need full time, with benefits. End of story. Talk about pressure from the family. It could've led to a fight but I'm slowly learning to not give in to him. I did cry though.

Also, last time I blogged was on Halloween and I mentioned a fight with C. and how we're not going to be friends anymore. Well sure enough, we hooked up that night. I slept there. The next morning we kissed and hugged and cuddled in his bed until I hightailed it out of there, petrified and confused.

I am still confused. We even hung out briefly on monday, just had a cup of tea at his place and took a walk. I haven't heard from him since. So it's like...ok. Who the FUCK KNOWS. I need to JUST FOCUS on me.

So that's what I'm doing. I am groggy from sleeping so much so I chugged 2 cups of coffee. I have no clue what to do with this day. I think I'll take another walk. I walked a little over 3 miles last night. It felt good and I need to keep it up because I am FAT as FUCK.

I am disgusting. I hate my fat stomach. I need to RESTRICT my intake, and EXERCISE every day so I can stop being so goddamn FAT.

Lord help me!

xo
Sar

Happy Halloween

I just can't say no to the blow...last night C. and I had a fight of epic proportions (after I had three glasses of wine - cue the emotional release) and I ended up at my neighbor's house until 2AM, drinking more, smoking pot, and blowing lines. Classy.

Today, understandably, I've been tired and out of it. I did not sleep well last night and I've been hungry all day because I restricted hardcore yesterday. Today's damage: soup, an apple, tortilla chips and salsa, pizza bites, and a soft pretzel bites dipped in ranch. So about 1300 calories all together. I'm gross, I'm aware. I couldn't be bothered to throw it up either, sometimes keeping it in is punishment enough.

It is now after five on Halloween and I just made coffee. Yes, I'm dressing up and going out because why not? I do love this holiday. I've borrowed my friend's blue wig and I'm going to be Katy Perry. LoL. It's really just an excuse to wear a wig, love them! Plus a dress and some glitter, whatever.

Why were C. and I fighting you ask? Well to be brief, he and I have been friends since college. This year we have grown extremely close, we said I love you and declared ourselves best friends. Then after hooking up for like the tenth time everything changed. We haven't hung out in two weeks. Every text or phone call has been a fight. At this point the only thing we can agree on is to end the friendship. Of course it feels like the end of a relationship and as per usual, my heart is broken. Sucks, man.

The job search continues. I have applied so many places I can't keep track. I've been on a few interviews and have a couple more next week. No job offers yet but I'm getting closer... Keep your fingers crossed something comes soon. I'd like money to be flowing in again. I wouldn't mind the routine of a job and meeting new people as well. I need to keep myself busy so I don't get into trouble.

I'm not dressed yet (not even showered yet actually) otherwise I'd show you a pic of my costume. Maybe tomorrow. I'm not eating anything the rest of the day. I'll get the rest of my calories from alcohol.

Are you doing anything for Halloween?

Peace,
XO
Sar

Disorder (possible trigger)

I'm sitting here on a Sunday afternoon and sipping some coffee. I slept until like 12:30, even though I went to bed early. I have been sleeping a lot. I have also been throwing up. I know, it's no good. About four times in the past five days. It started last Tuesday, I went to my parent's house during the day to do laundry. I ate about fifteen tator tots with ketchup, two slices of rye toast with butter, and some halloween candy (mostly taffy). Gross right? Nothing healthy about any of it. Since their plumbing is excellent (in comparison to my city apartment) I made the executive decision to throw it all up. So I did. I forgot the high that comes, I lay on the couch for a good hour after that, zoning out on the television, feeling stoned off my ass but better, because I was empty.

I've also been smoking an excessive amount of pot. All day, every day. Cancelling some plans to smoke and rot. I've now had an entire week "off" - no work, unemployed, seeking a job, and I basically made zero progress. To be fair, I've applied to many, many jobs. I had an interview at a coffee shop on friday. I'm trying, just not as hard as I should be. It's getting to me. My bank account will not support me for much longer than the next week or two, and the pressure is on. I do well under pressure (usually) so I've still got the faith.

It just surprises me a little how I can slip back into old depressive habits like purging. It scares me. The worst part is I was reading some ana/mia tumblr the other day and left the tab open and of course my friend came over that night and went to play something on youtube when I was in the bathroom. I have a feeling she saw it. I was embarrassed and OF COURSE that night I drank way too much and ended up back in my bathroom, fingers scrapping my throat to release the poison, it happened so easily. The next morning (she had spent the night) she said her stomach felt like shit and I said, "yeah I got sick last night", and it opened the door to a convo which involved her confiding that she doesn't know how to make herself throw up. I was as nonchalant as possible and just hinted that you have to do what it takes to feel better. She went in the bathroom and I went to the kitchen to get us some water so I couldn't hear what was happening in there.

Fuck. Well it's now one in the afternoon and I should do the dishes. I'm craving pancakes (?) like immensely. I've been missing this blog hope I can write a bit more. Hope you're all doing alright. Stay strong. Think thin but be smart. Purging sucks and I cannot count on it as my saving grace when I feel too full. It's a bad habit. Which reminds me, one piece of good news, I haven't smoked a cigarette in over a week. Guess without the work stress I'm good. Also I can't afford them, but hey! I'll take any positivity I can get.

Peace,
Sar

Emotional

Well today was my last day at work in the office. The past two weeks have absolutely dragged and so did today, it all culminated to a very emotional goodbye. I breathe in ragged sobs, my heart dances across my chest, and my head spins on its axis. And yet...I know this is right. I still do not have another job but I will find one. I am not scared or even numb...just indifferent. It's sad saying see you later to nice people but I will not miss the industry.

What's next for me?

Where will I go from here?

Is it up to fate? Or do I have free will?

***

Loaded questions for a Friday. I think I'll do the dishes and get myself pretty because my friend is headed over and we're going to happy hour. The happiest most bittersweet hour.

Peace.
xo
Sar*

Calculated Impulse

I gave notice at my job today. It feels awesome. And scary. But right!
Who knows where I'll end up?

I enjoy adventure.

Treading water

Do you remember the first time you binged?
I recently realized where I was in life when it started...living with my ex in the city, 6-7 years ago.
I've been punishing myself for almost a decade.

What will it take to stop?

Last night was awful...actually the entire day was a fail. Coffee cake, candy, fettucini alfredo, pizza...and orange juice, grapes, and a banana. I am sick. I am weak.

What's it going to take?

Here's to fresh starts...I haven't screwed today up yet...granted it's only 8AM.

Stay Strong.

I called in "sick" today...AKA sick of work.

It's time to make a change.

27th year on earth

Tomorrow is my birthday. Actually in one and a half hours it is my birthday. I sit here alone, drinking a beer, at 10:30PM, waiting on my neighbor C. He is in a work meeting and and I'm ready to go out for a few and sing some karaoke!

How many times can I look at my phone? This is why I hate my birthday. Because I am sitting here waiting on someone to hang out with. I hate depending on people, I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate the fact that it's getting later by the minute and I'm still sitting here and I've got to wake mad early for work.

Yes, I'm working tomorrow though I am leaving early. Ugh, thank god for alcohol. My nerves are fucking shot.

In other news, this blog has started to nosedive. It's just not a priority for me to write lately (for like the past year). Writing used to calm me and inspire me. Now I don't even think of it. I don't bother basically because I don't believe in myself.

Pity party for one.
Well he just texted me,
looks like we're going.

Peace people. I love you all, even if I don't always love myself.

I feel like I'm gaining weight. It's freaking me out and I don't have a scale. I just look and feel a little soft and plump and it's disgusting. Help :(

I want this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVq7fm1oyok

I just want to get where I want to go!

Kinks

It's Saturday afternoon and I'm feeling alright.
I woke early to feed the cat then fell back into a fitful sleep.

I had a dream that started with me and C. kissing, then I was with him in his house, arguing, picking up food off the counters and throwing it to the floor...then screaming and crying, "does our friendship even matter to you?". Things went dark and light again and I was running down the crowded street behind him and we ended up in Mighty Taco about to order food, so casual.

I woke up, heart beating fast, and texted him to see if he wants to watch the meteor shower tonight. He does. We will see each tonight for the first time in almost a week - a record for us, as we have been hanging tons. We live super close since I've moved to the city.

I don't know what the dream meant other then the food symbolism spread throughout. That's pretty easy to decipher.

C. and I are good friends and I don't dream about him often. He is on my mind a lot and we text a lot, including last night before I went to sleep. He asked me to hang, I didn't get back to him. He said "very well. good night." I didn't respond.

I'm a game player when I want to be and I suppose I felt guilty last night, as I was laying there alone in bed with the knowledge of my silence. I think my dream reflected flying emotions and a physical proximity we literally haven't shared in a week.

My skin itches. Does your skin ever itch?? I use so much lotion, organic lotion even! Any homemade cures for itchy skin you can share?

I just was itching my thighs when I took a sip of water and spilled it everywhere.

Needless to say, I am high.

Is this all I do?

No, no. It has been a good summer. I have had some sweet experiences lately. Things I don't bother writing about because this blog is not a day to day life log.
It's strictly Sar feelings. And thoughts, words, paragraphs, complaints, sometimes pictures, etc. Whatever I see fit!

This space is undefined.
As am I.

The Kinks "Sunny Afternoon" just came on pandora. Fucking sweet, I love this song.

Peace, people.
xx
Sar

Well the pizza bloat has set in, combined with pms, and I feel fucking fat and disgusting. What, did I think there would be no repercussion? I'm a klutz today. A ditz. A drifter. Whoever the fuck cares.

Yay Tuesday!

Last night, hanging with a friend of mine. We're walking, talking. He says you're looking skinny. I smile inside and out.

Obsessed lately with shadows, specifically: mine. Does my shadow look thin? Especially in comparison to the person/shadow I'm with?

I did eat late yesterday. I got home all stoned and feeling good from the compliment. I ate a store bought spinach and mushroom pizza...the entire thing. 270 cal/serving times 5 servings equal a lot of fucking calories. Gross right? Despite the gluttony, I feel alright.

Drunk, just puked. I hear a ringing in my ear and pink floyd over pandora. Fuck.

You've crossed my mind today a time or two

Well the concert was absolutely freaking amazing. And last night C. and I went out and hooked up. Today I am numbing myself because I'm just feeling so much. so much. It's scary to want, it's scary to need. The memories I've made in the past two nights ignite my spirit in such a way that I could burst...with happiness? How foreign.

Last night was so hot. I am so into C. now, it's been a slow build up - four long years of no fucking just flirtation. And friendship.

But now...we are getting somewhere. We even held hands. I can envision my ass getting laid soon. I haven't got any since J. and we've been broken up since April.

I'm super high and jamming to music. Back to work tomorrow. Back to restriction, I feel that I've ate too much this weekend. PeAce PeopLe.

xOx

On the road/WIA

Hey there, I'm writing to you from a hotel room. I drove my ass to the capital city today four and a half hours away alone and it was easy! I am going to a concert tonight and I am SO excited. Omg. The unfortunate part is that it's another hour drive away. I chose this place as my stopping point. I love staying in hotels! I plan to take a swim in the morning and explore the city a little before heading back home!

I have to leave soon for the show...I have never gone to a concert alone before! I am a little nervous but hey, I've made it this far! I just know once I'm sitting in that theater and he is up there doing his thing I will truly be at peace.

WIA Today: Kind of a lot. For breakfast I had one slice of whole wheat bread folded in half with a small amount of cut up avocado and a sprinkle of oregano, garlic powder and black pepper. Also, some coffee with creamer. For lunch I had a sandwich that consisted of two slices of whole wheat bread with yellow mustard, a slice of american cheese, some cut up avocado, tomato and lettuce. Also, a banana, a few peanut m&ms and peanut butter crackers. When I got to the hotel I had another (identical) sandwich and some licorice for dinner. Calories total for the day: 1200 or less, the way to be!

That's it for the rest of the day, maybe a glass of wine at the concert. Looking back, it's not terrible...whole grains, protein, veggies. It seems like a lot of bread because it is a lot of bread. Five (80 calories per slice) slices in one day? I just haven't had much to eat the past few days and I think when I restrict I crave carbs. Well I haven't overdone it yet and I'm proud of myself, so whatever.

I'm here to have a good time! See you on the flip side! It's time to get ready!! 

Bon Voyage!

XO

S.

What it all means

Sunday night. It is getting late and I feel the hunger cues kick in. A pang in my stomach, almost a nausea. A headache. That weak feeling. I stand in the kitchen and stare at my microwave. I look over to my cupboard, the one that hold pantry items. I seriously consider making something to eat. But I don't. I don't eat anything. I have water.

I just took a walk (2.5 miles) with my neighbor/best friend/love interest C. I've mentioned him in this blog before, we met almost 4 years ago. We hang out a lot and started hooking up and then had a bunch of emotional conversations about what it all means. We walk a lot. Walking burns calories.

I'm still only drinking water because eating sucks and I don't need to do it tonight. I'm going to bed. I can't think straight.

S.

I have internet!

I'm back, bitches.

I coerced my landlord into letting me have wifi access for an extra $10 a month. WOOT!

Where to begin? As you've noticed my posts have been somewhat depressing in the past months, well that's because life has been all sorts of stressful. However, I've been making attempts to fix shit. My student loans are back under control. I'm in the process of settling the claim from the car accident which will equal me getting a check. Work is going well, we are extremely busy so the days basically fly by. I've been losing weight. Sometimes it surprises me how I look.

Don't get me wrong, my reflection in the mirror still taunts me and urges me to keep restricting. The heat helps kill my appetite, as do the cigarettes I've been smoking like they're going out of style. Also the thinspo at work helps curb my cravings.

It's almost sad, isn't it, just how many thin and thinner girls there are out there. We are all feeling the pressure. Society will not stop until we're all weak, invisible, and killing ourselves. I can only feel sorry to a certain extent, as I'm currently caught up in it all. I have been for years.

It just feels good to be thinner than people. You feel their jealous eyes on you. You eat in front of them (only to keep up appearances - and sometimes you don't bother and don't eat) and they watch with eagle vision how you eat, what you eat, if you throw half away, if you say, "damn that was good" with a confident smile. They watch.

I don't want them too, but it happens. Curiosity of the mentally insane is inevitable.

To switch topics blatantly and without warning, yes my dad is sick again and it's upsetting me. The stress and heartache make me not want to eat a damn thing. We are waiting on test results.

Ok now I gotta go. I'm headed homeward to chill with some old friends. Since moving to the city I have not seen them as much. I will be spending the night at my besties. It's going to be good night! (right?) (I hope).

There's always hope. Peace, loves.

XO
Sar

July

To sum up life lately: excessive drinking, smoking, eating, starving. Obsession with men tenfold. Car accident/chiropractic care/rental car/paperwork bullshit. I broke my toe one drunken night and have been hobbling around in excruciating pain like a cripple. Work is so busy it's draining my energy and I resent the job the people the Sar. I resent everything. Pity party. Poor me. It is what it is.

Still working on getting internet but I've been so broke nothing seems within reach (however I always find a couple bucks for alcohol, cigarettes, pot, and junk food). I'm still checking in on your blogs but cannot comment from my phone. I'm at my parents currently...dealing with the student loan nightmare/endless collection phone calls. Oh, and my Dad is sick again. My cat has a weird scab on his cheek. My friends are fading away and there is no love interest in sight. I will be ok, right?

How are you? Anyone out there still? Yesterday I bought a XS dress even though I feel huge. Who the fuck even knows anymore. I feel fat but maybe I'm not as fat as I feel it's just a feeling not reality, if so, what is reality? Am I real? Is this real? Are you real, reading this? I'm hot. Time to eat dinner, I'll choke down a baked potato to make my parent's smile during this tough time. I'll choke myself in my dreams tonight to make up for being so weak.

XO
Sar

Hey strangers

Hey strangers.

It's been two weeks. I am still hurting but it has lessened. We haven't spoke in a few days, thank God, because the talking and texting after the fact were delaying me moving the hell on. This morning I woke and he wasn't my first thought. That sounds like progress.

Speaking of progress, my weight is down again. Yay! Actually not yay because my clothes are too loose! I want to look good, not like a bag lady, and yet I have no patience to shop. Also no extra money.

So saggy bottoms it is, for now.

I just wanted to update. More later.

-S.

Well J. and I broke up. I haven't had any appetite all weekend. Guess I'm going to be losing more weight. It's all bittersweet.

RX

Today is my third day off work, I am sick as a dog. I have no health insurance, but I went to the Doctor and received a prescription for an antibiotic. It's time to take care of myself.

My bank account is dwindling but I won't give up. I just spent a ton of money on medicine, orange juice, kleenex, etc. And some new work shoes. I spend what I want when I want but realistically I need to save. Rent is not cheap. I can get through these tough times. A raise would help.

I love living on my own. My apartment is cute, but my forehead breakout is not. The stress of being sick lately has been a huge burden to bear and the physical effects (breaking out and not getting better after weeks) are enough to make me dream about death.

Things with J. go from being awesome to being so darn precarious. We both fight dirty. We are both still trying. I do love him, even if we haven't "said" it. I want to be with him forever but it will take work from us both. He helps me in so many ways, like bringing me a couch on Sunday. Or when he says "anything for you" and I think he means it.

~~~~~

I stopped at my parent's house (no one is home) to do some online bill paying. Figured I'd check in with you pretty people. Having the internet at my place is not out of reach, but it may not happen for another month (or two).

My weight is ok, perhaps not as low as last time. But still low. And clothes are baggy. I like being thin and will always strive to stay skinny. I just look better bony.

How are you? Anyone watch Mad Men? Is it warming up where you are? The weather has been COLD but we are slowly getting some Spring relief. Until next time...

XO
~Sar

I'm ok - still breathing, still smoking. Still seeing J.
Been binging like a bad girl though.
Wish I would stop self-sabotaging...







Xo
S.

I woke up and lit a cigarette

I've missed Blogger!!! I have my neighbor's internet for two seconds at a time so let's see if this post will save!

HOW ARE YOU?

I am doing good, I've lost so much weight in the past few weeks. All of my clothes are baggy. I'm wearing jeans that I bought after the fire - jeans so small because I lost a bunch of weight then. They look damn good on me too. I went shopping and a size four was way too big, so I'm a two. That's one size from zero and it's a little thrilling!

Besides the weight, I am liking my new place! It is super cute but small and sparsely furnished! It is great being back on my own and I can honestly say I don't even miss my family. Sometimes I feel lonely though, like right now.

Things with J. haven't been the best. The distance is a great deal of our problem (I am about 30 minutes away now) but I have been so damn insecure lately. So. Damn. Insecure. about our relationship. Last night he chose to go out with friends instead of come see me, granted I was drinking with my friend prior to the conversation..but STILL. I asked him to call me when he got home, did he call? Nope.

Needless to say I woke up with that stupid feeling in my stomach, that feeling of impending doom and super insecurity and the NEED for reassurance, but I just don't have it. We are texting a little and all he can say is "sorry, you should've came with us".

The problem is that I was stoned. My friend and I smoked so much on top of the wine, and I wasn't up for it. Stupid, huh? I want to call him, or text him back, but I just...can't.

I will wait for him to reach out again. He works this afternoon so we shall see. I should probably note that we almost broke up this week. Over my shit, I accused him of flirting with a friend and he hated it. I know rationally that he wasn't, but again, the combo of alcohol and weed makes me crazy.

Seeing a pattern here? I am hooked on substances and freaking the fuck out on him. I had therapy yesterday (thankfully) and discussed this. Not so much the substances part, but the fight. My therapist says I am immature. Interesting, right? Well I guess I am.

I'm only 26! And yet there is this huge part of me that wants to grow UP and get married and have kids but I suppose I won't be ready for that for awhile...

Work is going good, very busy. I miss internet access so much. I miss tv. But I have my freedom.

XO
~Sar

On the move

MOVING DAY is here. I'm running on no sleep and caffeine, and feeling mighty thin! Hope this goes smooth today! I will update as soon as possible! Thanks for the internet service advice loves! PEACE!

Let the Sunshine in

That glorious moment in the dressing room with a couple pairs of pants, sizes two and four. They both fit. I go with the four because the size twos remind me of leggings, they cling to my leg fat. Leg fat? Girl you fit in a size two. That's one size away from zero.

I weigh less and look thinner. I'm in my high school weight range. Interesting. The correlation between starting my job and losing the weight is somewhat clear, though I've been on this journey for awhile.

There are two women at my work. They are so unbelievably thin. They are thinspiration, so close, five days a week. I wonder if they notice me.

I'm moving in four days. I am about a quarter of the way packed. I'm SO excited!

I won't have internet for awhile, which seriously sucks. I have no idea how to get it, it's always been included with my rent in apartments prior. Any advice on this?

J. and I continue to see each other. Things are going good and I have hope that this could last. He visited me at work on my lunch break today and brought a single red rose. He asked me if I knew what it meant. I said no. It means true love. To me, it is just a flower. If you love me, J., tell me.

Thank you, Miranda, for the sweet comment about my big move. You and I could be kindred spirits.

It's almost midnight, and I have to wake at six. Good night.

XO

Sar

Trippy Music miX + Some Good News

Hello, I haven't properly updated this blog lately.

Edit - 10 min. later:
I'm sitting at my desk, high as a k i t e . . .

I had therapy to attend tonight after work (thankfully, I do depend on it once a month to keep my "sanity").
I left my house at 7:30AM, had a 45 minute commute, worked for 8 busy hours, drove about 50 minutes to my therapist's office, vented and cried a bit, drove 25 minutes home in the snow and watched my gas tank slowly empty. More money. Long day. Too much damn time in the car.

Work was stressful, with two meetings and some drama. We're a bunch of women, what could I expect? You can tell when one of us is on the rag, that's for damn sure.
I don't mean that in a negative way, it's just scientifically interesting to me.
And annoying, of course.

Especially when bitches be stunting!

...and they are such thin bitches. I absolutely aspire to have the one girl's body. She is my same age but taller and thinner. Her body is amazing. So. beautifully. thin. She looks fragile but strong, accomplished...

I'm thirsty for more water. But I don't want to leave this bedroom. 
Wow, almost forgot to tell you. I'm moving out next weekend!! Say whattt?!? I'm thrilled!
Told ya I'd make it happen! Thank the good Lord for tax$ money!

I'm moving to the city! In an up and coming "city village" area, with shops and restaurants and sweet parks! But there is crime in the surrounding areas so I'm going to get a bat!
I'm going to wear my brave face, don't want to be messed with in the streets!

Anyway, it's a little one bedroom, all wood floors and upstairs with some windows! Hellz yeah, stair climbing! Working those calves! INDEPENDENCE IS MINE!!

It's a little costly, approximately half of my monthly income, but I'm hoping for the best! I am decent with money and have made a budget! Everything should work out fine, I've done this before - I CAN do it again!

OMG I cannot wait to be out of my parent's house!

I haven't weighed myself in a week, if you can believe that! So I am not sure if I have continued to lose, but I'm going to say that yes I have! Feeling and thinking thin everyday!

PeAcE oUt*~

xo
Sar

Stay strong always for the health of it.

Oh, who am I kidding?

_

Do it for thin.

Control in the kitchen.

Control in the car.

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Happy Valentine's Day!!! Don't eat too much chocolate and I won't either! XO

Don't kill yourself

Another day, another death to find out about. The more people you know, the more loss you'll feel, the more sorrow. Another wake on Thursday and I need to be there, and my brother, and my friends...to celebrate the life of someone who commit suicide.

I say on here a lot of things. I say I hate life. I say I wish I was dead. I am reckless with drinking and drugs and driving. Sometimes I want to hurt myself or someone else.

But when it comes down to it...when shit really hits the fan, I know that I could never do it. I wouldn't want to. I fear death.

Rest in Peace Marty. What the fuck (as my eyes tear up again). WHY? A gunshot to the face at a party in front of people? I am mad and sad and horrified. I ache, especially for those closest to him.

~~~~~~

I binged on Sunday. I ate 2500 calories, haven't done that in ages. I've been averaging like 800 a day. But I woke yesterday in self destruct mode. I felt like crap, physically and mentally about it. Today was a fresh start though. I've ate healthily. No ice cream. No pizza. Yes, on Sunday I had both.

Don't get it twisted, I am determined to finish what I started here. I am going to continue to lose weight. I am going to continue working out, burning those calories at the gym and in the bedroom. ;-)

Tomorrow I am going to look at an apartment in the city (!). J. is coming with. Hope I like it. Because I want out.

Think thin loves.
Live life!
XO
Sar

Working with others like me

Happy Saturday!

I went to the gym the other night with J. and had a pretty great workout...basketball and the elliptical. I'm really enjoying this working out thing. It makes me feel damn good. I suppose there is some truth to what my mom has been telling me over the years...exercise DOES help...keep you thin.

All of my pants are so baggy. I need to find a good, reasonably priced tailor, I actually have soo much to get done today, but procrastinating for now. Not 100% surprising. I'm sitting here with my coffee and my list, and it's almost 1PM. Time to get moving Sar! But first, a little blogging...

Work is going well, I am finally "done" training and on my own at my desk! There is a lot to remember and I am really trying to do it right. I want my efforts to be noticed. I want to make more money and get ahead and the only way to do that is to step it up!!

My coworkers are cool, as I've mentioned before it is eating disorder central up in there. Two of the women are so beautifully thin, definitely thinner than me. They wear their tiny, fitted clothes. In comparison, with my height and baggy pants and sweaters, I feel like a giant fat ass. Almost every woman there talks about diets, food, and exercise on a daily basis.

'I contribute to the conversations now and have begun eating lunch at my desk, like everyone else, with a mini snack: a hemp seed granola bar and an apple. Water (duh) and coffee.

Needless to say I go to sleep hungry a lot more, and have been losing weight. To keep up with them, also to fulfill my personal agenda, which leads to a shrinking Sar.

J. and I are officially back together. Things are going very well. He is having a little party tonight, I'm pretty excited! Working out and spending time together has been awesome.

All in all, I cannot really complain. I do hate living at home with my crazy parents but I know in my gut that I will be out soon. PATIENCE SAR!!!

It won't kill me to save money for a few more weeks. Moving out weekend will be here before I know it. I can do it, I can make it happen...I just know it! First things first, FIND an apartment. Guess I'll add it to the list...

;)

Peace!
XO
~S

Energy

I've been on a weight loss kick! It feels great to lift my shirt everyday and see all of my rib bones and hips and my (surprisingly) flat belly. It feels empowering to wear loose clothes...ok that is a lie. I prefer fitted things so I must invest in a tailor! But you know what I mean!

Work is going well and keeping me VERY busy. The people I work with are very nice which helps a lot! I've been hanging with my friends every weekend and seeing J. several times a week. I'm getting used to waking up early. It is currently Sunday at 8AM and I have no reason to be up but I am! Wide awake!

I have to get up at 6AM m-f for work which means I need to get to sleep at a decent time...which means NO MORE NIGHT TIME BINGING! wOo!

That is exactly why I'm dropping the pounds, combined with restriction and all of the hours at the gym I've been clocking in recent weeks. It's J. and I's new thing...we work out together! Endorphins, baby!

The only dark cloud on the horizon is, of course, living at home with my crazy family. I am getting veryyy serious about moving out on my own and am striving for patience. I need to be smart about this. I know exactly what I'm looking for but just have to find it! I am thinking March 1 is a good day to move, let's see if I can make it happen!

Peace, happy Sunday.

XO
Sar

Dinner

J. cooked me dinner last night, lasagna. With bread and salad. It was delicious but it was the most I have ate in one sitting in quite awhile. I haven't binged at all lately, which is great, but eating that much last night is making me feel tubby this morning.

Wasn't that sweet of him?

Maybe I'll stop punishing myself for now and just go to work. Peace people!

I will survive

These tears keep trailing down my cheeks like Lewis and Clark blazing through overgrown meadows and rocky precipices all those years ago.

I have been an emotional wreck for days. This house is GODDAMN TOXIC.

I know what I have to do but I'm scared and lack patience. I need to collect some more paychecks and Move.The.Fuck.Out.

I literally cannot wait until my therapist appointment this week. I called him at 7:55AM, begging to be squeezed in sooner. I am going Thursday, I need to vent about my Mother. Fucking cunt.

I don't like this! I don't like hating her! But her behavior the past couple weeks has been UNACCEPTABLE! She is acting SO distant, completely unsupportive and uninterested in me and my life and my new job. She is spacing out and it's not like her, and yet she's fine around my dad and brother? Which (naturally) leads me to believe it's ME. Which leads me to believe that this subtle emotional manipulation has been happening my entire LIFE.

I am freaking out and angry, torn and crying...racing heart, tense shoulders, pain behind my eyes...it's heartbreak. Pure and simple. My dad, OF ALL PEOPLE, has seemed nice and angelic in comparison...which is UNREAL.

The only answer is to start packing my shit up in boxes. The only answer is to find an apartment and move the hell out, no matter how much I struggle, no matter how broke I am.

I don't need to eat. I don't need cable. I can survive.

**Ok too weird, "Survivor" just came on Pandora.**

Coincidence? I think not.

Look, all I want is for her to apologize and start acting normal again! Is that too much? Am I fucking delusional?

Mornings

Counting down the minutes until I can leave this mad house. My anger and annoyance with my parents and younger brother have reached a boiling point. I wake at 6AM, enraged and ready to rip their stupid faces off.

It's early Monday and my mood is nasty. Thank God I have J. and my future apartment to daydream about. Thank God work will keep me busy.

Oh, and I did two lines of blow this past weekend while I was out. It's possible this is contributing to the hatred emanating from my every cell.

I'm down five pounds from when I first started tracking in my phone app. It feels good, I look thin.


*Trying not to lose it*
XO
Sar

ED

In other news, it's eating disorder central at my new work place. I'm going to get so thin being around these girls.

This love

The weekend is always sweeter when you work hard during the days leading up to it. I can honestly say that my new job is off to a good start. I have my own desk, phone, computer, printer...it feels important, which is wonderful for my self esteem. A job is really only a means to an end. This job will allow me to make money, an imperative step in my goals.

I've lost 3 pounds in just over a month, thanks to my discipline and calorie counting in Lose it. I'm currently happy with my body. As we all know this changes on a daily basis, but for now I'm ok with it. There is absolutely always room for improvement though.

J. stopped over last night. We lay on my bed on top of the covers and talked, heads close, staring into each other's eyes. I think I love him. He's been acting sweet and more considerate lately. I have to keep staying strong and going slow, taking things with us a day at a time. We can't mess this up again, we need each other.

My throat is feeling a little dry and scratchy, the lack of sleep this week has caught up to me. I am doing my best to rest but I was out with friends last night and probably again tonight. Note to self: ease up on the ciggies, they burn my throat.

I hope to see J. again tonight, there is a chance we will all end up together at our friend's house later. Until then, I'll be with the girls watching old party videos and drinking wine (and limiting my snacking), and he will be with the boys, out. My heart flutters under my skin, my breathing quickens.

I'm going to straighten my hair today. I usually wear it naturally (wavy/curly) but feel like changing it up a little. I just started a new novel, called "Stuck in Downward Dog" by Chantel Simmons. It's pretty good and easy to relate to, a must for me lately.

Thanks for the guitar tips comment, Aye Ell! Think thin, all!

Peace, and until next time...
XO
Sar

First Day

New Year, New Me!

It's currently 7AM and I'm dressed, drinking coffee, and eating two potato pancakes for breakfast. I'll leave for my new job in about 40 minutes. I'm nervous as fuck but also excited! I like new things, I enjoy a challenge...I will EXCEL!

New Years Eve was a really fun night! No midnight kiss for me but celebrating with my closet friends was pretty great! The bands sounded amazing, the champagne was flowing, and I looked super sexy and slim, so you know I was feeling confident!

As for J...we don't know where we stand necessarily, but it felt good to let him know I still care. I know he does too! We shall see what happens, but I am feeling positive that this year will be lucky! The possibilities are literally endless!!

Wish me luck, I've had a lot of first days lately but I think this one will work out! It's a hefty commute (30 minutes - maybe more, in traffic) so I'll end this now to finish getting ready, lots of love to you!

XO
Sar