My mom just called. My grandma is dead. I didn't expect to feel such pain inside. I'm sort of still in shock but there is a jagged edge tearing apart my lungs. My face is scrunched up with a sob; I sigh. I am sad. It wasn't a sudden shock, luckily. We knew it was coming. It just sucks to have to wait for someone to die. The waiting is now over. It's over, she's gone.
I just took a minute to let some toxic tears out of my eyes.
Death is a slap in the face. YOU'RE GOING TO DIE. Everyone, everywhere. Today, tonight, tomorrow, the next day, and so on for eternity. Death is inevitable.
Remembering that assuages my senses. I took a cleansing breath. I'm home alone. My parents are "taking care of the arrangements", my brother is at work. I am here, the unemployed. I have my bowl in front of me, it's packed and I'm smoking. I have a box of tissues at my side and a garbage can on the floor near my desk. I am alone, no one will be here for awhile. Alone and reflective.
I just wanted to share.