well hello

well hello

Saturday, June 7, 2014


A familiar heartbreak I haven't felt in weeks. It's twofold this time. Here's why:

C. and I had been taking a break, not talking or hanging out, under the guise of "perspective". Last night after work I bought two beers and a pack of cigarettes. I decided I wanted to get messed up. The beers were 22oz. I drank one and then texted C. to see if he wanted to join me. I went over there and we were alone for the first time in awhile. He sat there in silence. I attempted intellectual conversation. He asked to smoke and I provided. He played music and I sang along while he sat in silence. Getting the pattern? He is boring. I was getting drunk so I made the executive decision to put the moves on him.

I slid closer to him on the couch, he didn't move. I faced him and began running my hands over his body and saying sultry things like, "wanna have some fun?". His reaction? A boner and "I don't want a commitment." Uh, me neither. I was trying to lighten the mood. I tried to kiss him he gave me the cheek. Mortified, I turned to leave. We texted after I was home. I was upset for awhile but seeing him last night was like the final act of our play.

I am no longer interested in the slightest. I RARELY make the first move. I tried because of our history, because the moment maybe called for it, and because I was drunk and felt like having an adventure. He essentially rejected me. So...if we're not friends, and we're not fuck buddies, then we're nothing. And I'm ok with it, finally. Last night I was bored by his company. Last night I was reminded of how toxic he is. The only thing he even talked about was tripping on mushrooms last weekend. He is a dead end.

I mentioned that my heartbreak is twofold. Partly because of C. And partly because of Jake. As I mentioned, him and I have been talking for the past few weeks. A lot. I thought things were progressing nicely. Until yesterday. He and I were texting about getting together. All of a sudden he was being really unclear, saying he wasn't sure what was going on because some friends were coming into town. So I said something back via text that he didn't like. I said, "I'll make it easy for you - forget it, I'll make other plans." It was a moment of defiance. I was getting ready for work and just wanted to know if we were hanging or not, like he said we were. And...I haven't heard anything back since. I even texted him again later last night apologizing if I offended him. Still nothing.

Which brings me to today. I'm hungover from drinking on an empty stomach. I have nothing here to eat except for some random canned goods. I had my last potato this morning, stir fried breakfast-style with a little olive oil and garlic powder. Served with hot sauce. Also coffee. Needless to say I'm so hungry it's making me tired. I will spend a few dollars tonight after work on something. I have to get something in this house. I'm just so damn broke. Maybe tortillas and frozen mixed vegetables. It shouldn't cost too much.

My bank account hasn't been this low in a long time. It's getting scary. I just paid $318 for a traffic ticket which realllyyy hurt me this month. I can't pay any bills at all for a few weeks and they're all coming up being due next week. FML. Probably asking my parents for some money again. *sigh*

I have to get ready for work. I'm not doing anything tonight. Peace.


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