Thursday, November 6, 2008
I am a slacker.
To blog or not to blog, that is a question I haven't bothered to ask myself in months. I have been too "busy" getting high, experimenting with psychedelics, NOT working, NOT studying. When did my life lose meaning? When did my ambition drain like boiling water through a colander? Who the hell knows. At least I am wearing a cute outfit today. Sad but true. I dyed my hair black two days ago. The box said "natural dark brown" ha what a joke. It's black as night. It looks hot though. I definitely stand out a little more. I am obsessed with it. With looking good, presentable, hot, sexy, mature, pulled together, sane, skinny. The list goes on. My looks, up to this point, have defined me. How freaking sad. What will I do when I age and it all goes away? Or some nasty car wreck morphs my facial features to make me look unrecognizable? Back to my clothes. Dark denim skirt. Purple lacy tank top. Green and dark blue plaid short sleeved shirt over top. The color combination here is beautiful. I love it. How fun to know that nobody is even seeing it. I am totally skipping class right now. I don't have the 5 page paper that was due today. Oh well. I will get it handed in eventually, right? Or maybe I won't. Maybe I will just die. Or go to rehab. Give up on life like I seemingly already have. My good moods and good days are short lived. I am serious always. I don't remember laughing this week. I do remember having a melt down last Friday, Halloween, because of a bad trip on mushrooms. I need to grow up seriously. But it is hard in this college town!!! Everyone around me is 20 and just starting out, and has not really gone through shit. I have been around the block and back, been pushed around and stomped on, lived through poverty, cleaned others TOILETS, and so forth. I have paid for a child that was not mine. I have graduated from a community college. Blah Blah. My favorite two words lately, because they don't mean A THING. I just want something. something. something. To travel, to learn, to love, to be happy, to be free, to fly, to sail, to stare, to ponder, to just BE.