well hello

well hello

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I have gourds on my desk.

Is this appropriate? I think so. It being November and all. I realize that decorative gourds being on my desk is very irrelevant, but I have never been good at introductions, so it is a good place to start! I find it hard to introduce people to each other. At times it is simply because I forget someone's name. Most of the time I am more concerned with my next adventure. That is me in a nutshell I guess: adventurous. I like doing things. I like going places. I like seeing sights. I contradict myself here, because above all, I need to feel warm, safe, and secure. Everywhere. If not, I am uncomfortable. Call this a fact finding mission.

Facts about me! I am discovering the land of the free! My mind is a sponge, I want to squeeze it. I want to understand what it consists of. I need to know what is there, what I have bothered to include in me. Random things, most likely. Like song lyrics, quotes, away messages, nutrition facts. A constant stream of blah blah blah in my ear. My multifaceted mind keeps me guessing! I never know which way my mood will go. When I wake up, I am either ready to start the day (rarely), or I refuse to get out of bed or think at all (most of the time). I like sleeping. I guess it coincides with the whole "me wanting to feel safe and warm" thing. But who gets places by staying in a bed all day? Not anyone that matters. Like it is up to me to decide what and who matters. I matter! Haha! I MATTER. I care. I matter to me. I matter to my mom. I matter to my dad. My brothers. My sister. I fucking matter, damnit. So start believing it!!!!!

If I matter so much, then there is a reason for my existence. I have a purpose. I am here for the long haul, hopefully. And that's true.. I can only hope. I want to be here, on this earth, alive, for a decent life span! I do, I truly do. I am so scared however, that I am going to stupidly cut my time short. I need to care about myself. I need to love myself. I love me! I love me!

And I am so sorry if anyone reading this is disgusted with my so called superficiality and this conceited sounding post I am typing, but if you knew me.... If you could see me, if you understood; there would be no judgment. I don't want to be disliked or judged, obviously it is going to happen. I am insecure a lot of the time. I am really nobody special and I know this. TRUST ME. I feel a sparkle of light down very deep, I don't see it, I feel it sometimes, but I know it is there. It is always there with me. This glimmer of shining serenity gets me through the hardest times. I allow this faith to creep slowly up around me, because I revel in the quiet joy while hesitating to believe it is even there.

I do not know if this makes any sense. I am hyped up on caffeine. McDonalds iced coffee is truly crack for someone as addicted to caffeine as me. (Probably 4 cups of black coffee per day). Back to my insecurities. I am trying to break free! I am somebody. I am a daughter. I am loved. I don't always feel it. It is there. I gotta have faith! Like the Limp Bizcut cover. Enough of this talking up, down, sideways. Time to do some homework. I will leave anyone that bothers to read this with three simple words:


*And to Bonnie* Thank you; you are an angel. I was drowning in self doubt, wallowing in depression, weighed down by a thousand boulders. Your comment meant the world to me. To know that someone randomly found my blog and felt a need to comment. Wow. I really can't show you my smile through words, I can't explain why I needed it, I can just say thank you. Thank you. God bless you.

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