well hello

well hello

Saturday, October 10, 2009


Spinning upside down through dark madness I carelessly let go and free fall to my fate.

My words are not processing into coherent sentences. So I will start this again, my world is small and I am solipsistic by nature. Ugh. I try and say, "Sar, you're the best" as if I could convince this Sar to be fucking normal and not so down in the dumps all the time.
Thank you Amy Winehouse- loving this first album. Her voice is soul and I love singing along. I have not ate since 11 pm last night and right now it is almost 8 pm. Ha I slept ALL day to not eat. I have not broken this unexpected fast yet. I am about to, but maybe if I forget about it I will be in the clear..
The bad news? Last night was a disgusting mess of a binge, and I had been doing well this week. What is it about the weekends that makes me freak out on food?? Well, I guess I already know...it is the opportunity to hole up in my apartment and hibernate and avoid phone calls and food if need be. The night before this is when I go a little crazy with junk food.
Ok, ready? This is unbelievable but I'm going to share:
I ate 5 pepperedge farm milk chocolate macadamia soft baked cookies. 5 fucking cookies are you kidding me?? Nope! It's a sad, sad truth. They are (I just got up to check and felt SO light headed) 160 calories each. [160 x 5 = 800] oh. em. gee.

It doesn't end there, oh no. Since I only ate sweets (those cookies & some apple cider) yesterday I was craving "real" food/ sustenance.. I wanted bread. I'm not going to lie I crave carbs like the freakin' dickens... (ha old school metaphor). Needless to say I ordered a veggie calzone. [Please slap my wrists via the internet..I'm going to do it quickly..there. Punishment for a fat idiot] It was good but I LUCKILY didn't finish it. At least there was a considerable amount of veggies but way to fucking much cheese. Never again is all I have to say about that.

The really, truly sad thing here is that when I looked in the mirror this evening I felt skinny. [It helps that I successfully released toxins through a healthy bm. No more laxies for me...def don't help.] I don't want to be fat. I am so fucking fat right now; it is disgusting how my clothes fit. I don't even know what I weigh because I am convinced my scale is broken.

Enough about me. How are you? How are you guys and gals dealing with everything? Instead of hiding from the world I would like to face it. <3

Peace & think thin.

1 comment:

Stick Thin said...

I really hope you get feeling better soon. I worry about you. you sound kind of like me sometimes. sigh. fell better!