well hello

well hello

Monday, October 26, 2009

It hurts...and it kills.

It sucks to realize that I am not what my parents wanted.
My mom freely admitted to me that my Dad did not want any more kids. She did. My whole life has been her defending me to him, her helping my case, her loving me more, her spending bonding time with me. Dad just handed over the money. I just got in a nasty fight with her. Money is SUCH a fucking issue in my family and I hate it!! In fact, my main goal in life is to get by with less money than the norm. Of course I am nowhere near it, just the mindset.

I can't even talk about this. It is all so internal, so unexplainable, so hard to find the words to portray the hurt. There are no words for it. Family is a four letter word. I have so many memories of my mom defending my Dad to me, or me to my Dad. He used to pick on me so much. He was always "joking". I "never got it". I was "too sensitive". I was a "drama queen". I was never enough. My sense of "me" is tainted by black tar.

In other news, it is 7 at night and I am eating fruit snacks. First thing I ate all day. And doing laundry, which involves lots of stair climbing. Might do 4 loads : )

Besides wanting to slit my wrists right now, I am okay. I have pot. I have somewhat healthy snacks. I have breath in my lungs and a new cd!!! from T.
He is cute. We hung out last night and laughed and laughed. He is fun. He is kissable but it has not happened. Yet.

You will be the first to know.

Starve On.
Think Thin.

3 comments:

MyNameIsMellon said...

I'm sorry your dad is a jerk...but you always have fruit snacks and pot (and us of course!). Good job with the intake.<3

Stick Thin said...

that is no fun with the parents. Laundry is a lovely distraction, and all the moving around helps burn cals!

Flushed said...

Your mom wanted you and that's what matters. You are here now and even more people love you and want you around. I get that he's your dad and that sucks but unfortunately we don't get to choose our parents (I may have been Hilton if....nevermind) and let your mind think of fruit snacks and weeds and happy things :) Don't let him rain on your parade or whatever cuz whatever he did or didn't want OH WELL you are here to stay!! And we love you!

XO