I bought "Wintergirls"..I started reading it and can't put it down. But now I am online and about to do some homework (it's 1 AM). I just want to read more. I am convinced I will buckle down in the days to come, just while I am reading this. It is thin-spiring.
So T. asked me to watch a movie and then go out for drinks. I told him I had plans with friends but that I would like to see him out. I saw him briefly today and I know I blushed like crayz.
I am into him. But I need to stay away. I feel that I will corrupt him. If I keep this whole thing at arms length I should be okay.
I broke down into tears to my school advisor. :Sigh: . I was seriously depressed. I have been, it hasn't stopped. I am honestly just trying to get by without doing anything too drastic. My life is kind of a mess. I have definitely gained weight over these passed few days. I have been eating carelessly. I hate myself sometimes.
I like T. but I am too shy and too damn scared to do anything about it.
I don't want him to know the real me. He will hate me. Maybe he won't. But I do.
I just want to .... what???
I don't even know anymore.
My brain is so clogged from daily pot smoking and anxiety. I can't think. I can't spell. I can't put together a coherent sentence while speaking. I am a mess. Not a hot one, anymore.
Though I did go shopping today : )
I bought black corduroy pants, 2 long sleeved tops, 1 short sleeved top.
Good deals, too. I tried on some jeans, and wow did I feel fat. I neeeeed to start working out. I am getting older and I don't want to be flabby, I want to be fit and hot!
My body hurts. I have been staying up until at least 5 Am every day. Then getting up for a short while, then napping, then staying up super late, then getting up early, and then passing out, then getting up once again, chugging coffee and getting drunk and high.
What have I become? Who is this person typing these words? Why can't I gain some control?
I want it, damnit.
I want to own my body. I don't want my body to own me.
I want to be weightless. When T. someday touches my body I would like him to feel bone. I need to do this.
It's fucking time.
I leave you with a quote:
"I measure myself; I can't act or play soccer, and most of them have better grades than me. But I am the thinnest girl in the room, hands down."