well hello

well hello

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Dreams vs. Reality

I bought "Wintergirls"..I started reading it and can't put it down. But now I am online and about to do some homework (it's 1 AM). I just want to read more. I am convinced I will buckle down in the days to come, just while I am reading this. It is thin-spiring.

So T. asked me to watch a movie and then go out for drinks. I told him I had plans with friends but that I would like to see him out. I saw him briefly today and I know I blushed like crayz.
I am into him. But I need to stay away. I feel that I will corrupt him. If I keep this whole thing at arms length I should be okay.
I broke down into tears to my school advisor. :Sigh: . I was seriously depressed. I have been, it hasn't stopped. I am honestly just trying to get by without doing anything too drastic. My life is kind of a mess. I have definitely gained weight over these passed few days. I have been eating carelessly. I hate myself sometimes.

I like T. but I am too shy and too damn scared to do anything about it.
I don't want him to know the real me. He will hate me. Maybe he won't. But I do.

I just want to .... what???
I don't even know anymore.

My brain is so clogged from daily pot smoking and anxiety. I can't think. I can't spell. I can't put together a coherent sentence while speaking. I am a mess. Not a hot one, anymore.
Though I did go shopping today : )
I bought black corduroy pants, 2 long sleeved tops, 1 short sleeved top.
Good deals, too. I tried on some jeans, and wow did I feel fat. I neeeeed to start working out. I am getting older and I don't want to be flabby, I want to be fit and hot!

My body hurts. I have been staying up until at least 5 Am every day. Then getting up for a short while, then napping, then staying up super late, then getting up early, and then passing out, then getting up once again, chugging coffee and getting drunk and high.

What have I become? Who is this person typing these words? Why can't I gain some control?

I want it, damnit.
I want to own my body. I don't want my body to own me.
I want to be weightless. When T. someday touches my body I would like him to feel bone. I need to do this.

It's fucking time.

I leave you with a quote:
"I measure myself; I can't act or play soccer, and most of them have better grades than me. But I am the thinnest girl in the room, hands down."


Stick Thin said...

Why do you think he would hate you? Often people perceive us much differently than the way we see ourselves. I get pretty degenerate when I smoke too much, maybe try cutting back so you can let your head clear out. I know it helps me. but thats me..

you deserve some love. Get some sleep, get to the gym, get your body smokin hot so you feel like you should deserve it too!


Sar said...

Wow, thank you.
You are so sweet for commenting and honestly reading this gave me a chill, because you are right. I know he wouldn't hate me..I just think he would maybe be scared of my destructive ways and perhaps turned off? I need to NOT think for this dude..let him make up his own mind.
I just have to work on loving myself : /


Courtney said...

Just read wintergirls last week. :)
A little too spiritual for my taste, but the writing was intense. Not my first ana book...
I have my own blog and have been wanting to find support. Glad I found you. ;)